Oh, the B-word, how the thought of you does things to me! I had seen garden variety bullying up close and personal when I taught middle school. The gibes and sneers, the petty grievances and snotty snubs, even the cold shoulders, were ugly but ever-present parts of the landscape. Now, as a mom to tweens and teens, I am helping sidestep those land mines daily.
But something really terrible happened. A sixth-grader with autism was bullied at the bus-stop in our town. This was a horse of a different color. The incident was so heart-breaking and outrageous that it made national news.
There are a lot of conversations right now in my ‘hood about what the schools can do, what the parents should have done, and what kids can do to prevent bullying. I know our community is still reeling, but coulda-woulda-shoulda is the least helpful sort of conversation.
With little control over school policy and no control over other parents’ households, I am still powerful. I can control the conversations that I have with my kids and their friends about the B-word and what I expect and what they can do.
So here is what we talk about when we talk about bullying. We keep talking and talking. You should too.
- Click on this badge to go to our Pinterest board and repin it for yourself to spread this positive message against bullying.
Ways to Banish the B Word:
1. You don’t have to be friends WITH everybody, but you have to be A Friend TO everybody. Let this sink in. This is the Big Kahuna. If this is the only concept we impress on our kids, then we have all won: treat ALL kids kindly and with respect. As Robert Fulghum famously wrote, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Even Kindergarteners know that friends play fair, talk nice, share, and take turns. Your child is a long way from eating paste and writing with crayons. Encourage them to act like it. They may have great arguments for why you just don’t get it (or maybe that’s just my kids—the great future litigators). That is why there is point #2.
2. Somebody might not be your flavor, but there is nothing wrong with Mint Chocolate Chip. Here’s the thing your kids need to know right now and remember always. They are not going to like everybody (and vice versa). Some people may grate on their last nerve and drive them crazy, but who cares? You may hate mint chocolate chip ice cream. It may make your nose wrinkle, your stomach curl, and make you say unkind things to the person who just served it to you. You know what? I love it. It’s my favorite. People are just like that. Some are just the right flavor for you. Some aren’t. It doesn’t matter. Your job is to teach your kids to recognize that Baskins Robbins has over 1000 flavors because there is beauty in diversity and choice and differences. And that they too are still lovable and worthwhile—even if they always choose vanilla.
3. Size Matters. We all want our kids to be exceptional and special, and they are. These differences among them mean that kids come in all shapes, sizes, and personality types. We need to teach our kids that if they are bigger, stronger, more athletic, smarter, anything -er than the kids around them, they have a great responsibility to be gentler, sweeter, more patient, and more kind. They need to own who they are and what they are bringing to the table. Exceptionally kind is just as important and noteworthy as exceptionally smart or athletic. There might not be a medal for it, but make sure they know you think there should be.
4. Momma was right. It isn’t what you say it’s how you say it. If size matters, then words really do. As bombs or salves, words charge the atmosphere of the classroom and the playground. “Nice shoes” is a perfectly fine thing to say to someone unless you don’t mean it. Sarcasm is nastiness’ sneaky friend. If they invite Sarcasm to play, they are being mean. Period. Teach them to be sincere or be quiet.
5. Saying nothing says something. This is hard to teach, but this is the most important thing for most kids. Most kids aren’t doing the picking, but they aren’t stopping it either. As the mom, you need to acknowledge this in your discussion: “I know that you didn’t call him names or push him down or hurt his feelings. But you were there. And you were silent.” Great men have said great things about this. Consider Edmund Burke who said that “Evil prevails when good men are silent.” That’s a little deep for recess, but you get my point. Teach your kids: Speak up, Be simple, and Be clear. “This is uncool. I am not standing for it.”
6. Choose the Best Version of Yourself. Every day we see our kids making important decisions about how to wear their hair, what clothes to put on, what shows to watch, what apps to download. They are trying on different hats to see which fits the real them. They will have opportunities EVERY SINGLE DAY to wear a white hat or a black hat. Teach your kids to Be the Hero or at least the person who can sleep with a worry-free conscience at night. Say out loud to them if necessary, “This is isn’t my favorite version of you. You can do better.” They want desperately to get it right. Let them know in no uncertain terms when they are getting it all wrong.
We Moms are powerful creatures in this universe called home. Bullying at its deep ugly heart is just another word for cruelty, and we won’t have that in our schools, on our computers, in our homes, or on our playgrounds. This is the way we Moms take a stand. This is what we do. This is the way we banish the B Word. One Conversation At A Time.
–Erin
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Love this, so well said. It makes me proud to be your friend!
Thank you, Kyla. Hoping that someday kids says the word bullying with the same confused expression they reserve for cassette player or phonograph. Until then, this is the best we can do.
I like this article. Sometimes the “bullies” can be kids we all really like, who we have known forever, and they are allowed to treat people badly b/c they are the good kids, and it flies under the radar. .Bullies dont necessarily wear bully badges. It can be sneaky and subtle. Ive recently learned to tell my kids to walk away AND stand up for themselves. And be nice to everyone, but that doesnt guarentee you get it in return.
That is a very important piece that you added: “And be nice to everyone, but that doesn’t guarantee you get it in return.” I tell my kids all of the time the only reactions and actions THEY can control are their own; but that it is a very powerful thing. We all have the power to alter a situation just by how we respond. -Ellen
That’s very true
Very well said. My 11 year old daughter and I were talking about this very topic last night. I was telling her how effective it was when I saw a bully picking on a weaker person and I said to the bully, very sarcastically of course, “Ooh, I’m so impressed!” Then, not sarcastically, I followed up with “I will be a lot more impressed when you pick on someone who can defend himself!”
Because I didn’t just silently stand by, something changed in his thinking and something good happened. The kid who was doing the bullying that day eventually became a friend and defender of my younger brother, who is developmentally delayed and therefore was a constant target for bullying.
If we silently stand there and watch, we are the audience the bully performs for. If we let them know we don’t like the show, they change it.
Wow, I just got chills. Powerful stuff: “If we silently stand there and watch, we are the audience the bully performs for. If we let them know we don’t like the show, they change it.”
Thanks for being this kind of parent. -Ellen
Great suggestions Erin. I plan to share with my kids. I love your writings (and mint chocolate chip is my favorite too.)
I’m going to print this out and put it up with our house rules. I’ve got a 12 year old stepdaughter who is awesome most of the time, but whenever she gets together with her 12 year old cousin, they start bullying the younger kids. Maybe I can get through to them by showing them this.
Hope it helps. Spreading the word to just one other person starts a ripple effect that leads to change.
Well said. Interesting and informative read. Also, didn’t Yoda also say, “with great gift comes great responsilbilty”?
See that is how wise this is, even Yoda thinks along the same lines. What bigger endorsement is there than that?
Maybe Chewbacca or Count Chocula?
Not to dislodge Yoda or Lord of the Rings – two icons I truly respect but Jesus deserves the credit.
…From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. Luke 12:48
Great article! Definitely one to save for the ages…and generate some good conversation.
Truth be heard, Mary. -Ellen
I thought of something while out and about and realized when I returned to this article the title of it had inspired this thought… “Bully, the other five-letter B word.” Not as nice and inspiring as the other thoughts expressed here, I know!
But true! Goes with the title.
When I first saw the title of the article, it never occurred to me it would be about bullying but rather the other B-word.
Great post. We are our children’s first teachers and can never over emphasis the importance of not participating in bullying. It can be crushing, is serious, and doesn’t just go away after one is out of school. This is one of the greatest life lessons.
Thank you. Parents always need to realize that no matter how it seems, we do have the most influences over our kids. Every thoughtful conversation is a good one. -Ellen
Wonderful post, ladies. Lessons always start at home.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Letter to My Son: Part Deux
Great post. Bullying is not a fun practice. I lived it at home and at school, from classmates. I also witnessed school teachers bullying as a ‘method’ of education. So sad – I did not know better. But I will make sure to educate my little one.
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Isn’t it the truth that all great lessons should come from home. Our kids really do listen even when it appears they are not. Ellen
I love this. We need to keep talking and talking about this. Well said. My favorite is your number 5. We need our young ones to speak up not stand mute. Terrible things happen when we are quiet in the face of injustice. Great post!
stephanie recently posted..Springtime in the Vineyard
Thank you. Erin and I were both brought up that watching an evil take place is the same as participating. Ellen
I love this. So concise!
WG
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This makes me laugh. I have a kind of reputation for wordsplat. Framing this comment to show Ellen, Erin
Someone isn’t remembering the hours I spent editing for you. 🙂 Ellen
I totally remember. I want to frame it for you like a great report card. Ha! erin
OH. MY. GOODNESS. You crack me up. And you might be a bit needy after my absence during my vacay. And now we are going to stop talking to each other through the comment section of our blog. You’re welcome blogosphere. Ellen
great list.
i, for one, am a big proponent to treating others the way i want to be treated. be it in bloggersville, at work, at the park, with my kid, without. i hope to really ingrain that into Lovie’s mind, too. and talk about Bullying, of course, too.
christina recently posted..Easter
So well said and such an important message!
This is so perfect. I’m saving it and will read it to my kids when appropriate. I’m absolutely terrified of my kids being bullied and just talked with my husband yesterday about the possibility of moving if our kids were ever bullied (only half kidding). I can’t even fathom the landscape of bullying now that kids can cyber bully and make humiliation that much more public. Would that everyone imparts the lessons you outline to their kids and none of us would have to worry about it. Great post!
Kim@Mamamzungu recently posted..Poop post
This whole post is great, but here’s the best thing I’ve read in a long while:
Choose the Best Version of Yourself.
So simple, so true. I don’t know any of us who don’t need to follow that one, and I’ll be reminding myself of that in regard to my own attitude. Loved this post!
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Oh S—, My Kids Know the S Word!
Ellen and I actually talk about this a lot when we are discussing our teens. Glad it worked for you too. Thanks, Erin
True – it always begins at home, doesn’t it?
PS: Love the tricky title.
Ado recently posted..The Road Less Traveled
I was a victim of bullying when I was in High school… it was actually my whole group of friends that decided to “turn” on me when we had a difference of opinion. Like in every relationship, I had my faults too and I contributed to the whole fiasco. The problem was that I was the only one publicly alienated. I didn’t have a single friend left and couldn’t walk the hallways at school without being called names. I’m from a small town so our school was very small and even some teachers joined the hate-Karine bandwagon. I was utterly alone and stopped going to school all together (it was my last year and I was 18 y/o). Eventually, things got so bad that I even attempted suicide. Thankfully, I didn’t succeed. Things got better and I even graduated. Please remind your kids that they won’t always agree with their friends and sometimes said friends might even say hurtful things to them. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s okay to unite with others in order to make this person’s life miserable, regardless of what was or wasn’t said. Words and actions have consequences… serious, serious consequences.
Thanks for a great post, bullying is a very real problem. Every parent has a duty to educate their kids on the subject so that they don’t become the bullies or the bullied.
Karine recently posted..If It’s Not Lethal, Then It’s Acceptable
Karine, thank you so much for sharing your story. Absolutely, definitely an important piece to add—don’t gang up on someone. So sorry that happened to you, Erin
I especially love number 6. Bullying is such a hot topic right now, as it should be. It is so important to start teaching these lessons at home.
Julia recently posted..Get Over It
Bravo. Bullying is something that I feel strongly about, and this is excellent, excellent advice for parents and just regular people alike. We can all take a page from these six simple recommendations and use them in our day to day lives.
Nicely written and compiled!
Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..Before It Slips Away
Thanks, Katie. It would be great if adults followed these too. Erin
Aww I agree – great advice/lessons.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend’s Back!
Oh man, this was one heck of a post ladies. I absolutely could not have said this better myself which is why I read it word for word to both Ty and Maia. The things you wrote so eloquently are values that I’ve tried to instill in my children. Being able to read this post to them was a powerful tool in my parenting arsenal. Thank you.
Delilah recently posted..So What?
Wow, the highest compliment. Thank you, Erin
“Bullying at its deep ugly heart is just another word for cruelty” Brilliant. This is a smart list, I’m going to share it with my teens. I hope they already know this stuff, but it doesn’t hurt to reinforce.
Bridget recently posted..WTF Wednesday
You hit the nail exactly on the head. This post is perfect. I worry about my kid gettin to kindegarten in the fall and all that comes with it. This is my tool. Thank you for making it just so simple (because, really, being a good person shouldn’t be so hard).
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And yet some people really struggle. Glad you liked it. ; ) Erin
Awesome guys. Thanks for contributing to the solution.
so great! standing with you mamas! thank you for the solution voice, let’s keep this discussion going.
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Thanks. We all need to stand together. Ellen
Awesome post! I think all of the efforts in schools and communities cannot compare to the most important factor–what the kids are taught at home. Period.
Janice recently posted..Saint in a Wheelchair
well. the smarts. the good momminess. the quote: “evil prevails when good men are silent.” i don’t really know where to start witht the fabulosity here. i think my favorite part, though, is the idea of teaching your children about choices, because in the end, that’s what it comes down to, to me – choices and personal responsibility. awesomesauce, ladies. thanks.
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LOVE this! Totally awesome! 🙂
Beth Zimmerman recently posted..Job
Thanks, Beth!
All of this is fantastic! So important because indeed these conversations start at home with us and our minis. As you know I am a mama of a special needs babe and my worst fear is her future and how the B word may play out in her life. Being reminded that we can start these conversations in the earliest days through these steps is amazing and I hope many folks will infact read and share them! I am going to now on Twitter! Thank you:)
Shannon Pruitt from ‘Mynewfavoriteday’ recently posted..Expectations, Butterflies and Holland.
This is awesome. I’ve talked about a lot of this with my kids, but there’s definitely more I can take away from this great, great list. Especially, the very first one.
Thank you so much!!
heidi recently posted..firsts
“If they invite Sarcasm to play, they are being mean. Period. Teach them to be sincere or be quiet.”
This is true and hard to teach tweens and teens. Meanness just becomes an arms-race with casualties.
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Oooh, I like “Meanness becomes an arms race with casualties.” Erin
The decision to stay silent is a decision to be part of the problem. I’ve been talking to my girls lately about this, and it absolutely k.i.l.l.s. me that they are afraid to speak up…well, that doesn’t mean they are not speaking up…we have been role playing scenarios…and I hope they can be part of the solution, as you, the Sisterhood, are modeling so well.
Additionally, I am grateful you linked this to yeah write 52 because it is timely for us. The school is seeing the movie “Bully” and I need some augmenting material…augmentative?
Much gratitude to you, always. 😉
Kimberly S. (Sperk*) recently posted..Wednesday’s Woman: A New Generation of Widows
I hope it helps. I think I want to see that movie. You are going to have to give a review, Erin
Fantastic piece, Erin. I love how you’ve laid out the steps to teaching our kids (and ourselves) to be better people. Off to share this on FB.
Stacey recently posted..First Sight
Oh, thanks so much, Stacy! It does work for adults too. Erin
Great post Ladies!
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Thanks! Erin
This is such a great post on a very important topic. It’s sometimes easy to forget the power that we have as moms to end things like bullying – just by shaping our children and teaching them how to act towards others. Thank you so much for this list.
I think it’s probably one of our most important calls as parents. Thanks! Erin
Aw thank you for writing this. I have this big sweet kid in my college class and he wrote a paper about how badly he was bullied all through school. His parents and teachers and counselors all told him to come talk about it, but he said he didn’t want to because why should he have to talk about it? There was nothing wrong with him – the bullies should have to come talk about it. Anyway he shared such pain I’m surprised he survived. He said he wanted to kill himself when he was in 3rd grade.
Doesn’t that just make you furious and sad? He’s such a nice, gentle guy too. I’m glad he survived.
Pish Posh recently posted..K is for Kazoo and Week 6 of the Get Fit! Challenge
Those kids always break my heart. They are the true winners in the big picture of life, but sometimes other kids don’t get them. Had a boy scout last night tell me during his board of review that he has no idea how to talk to kids. Made my heart hurt. We need to all give a little extra to these special souls. Erin
I think that even being a friend to someone who is bullied is such a badass thing for a kid to do. Especially when it is done publicly and immediately after the bullying occurs. Especially for kids who are at the age of physical bullying, where they are afraid that standing up to the mean kid could mean physical harm.
I always think back to Billy Madison when the kid pees his pants and the kids are making fun of him, so Adam Sandler splashes water on his pants to join him. So badass.
Youngman Brown recently posted..The Time A Ghost Touched Me
Oh, and I forgot to mention that this post rocked. And is super important for people to read.
Finally got around to reading this. It’s excellent!
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#5. Especially now.
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