Virus Part III: The Full Menace

Erin In horror movies, the music rises, the lighting changes, and you know that evil and untoward things are coming. Our story is not like that. No warning, no ominous downbeat, but this foul thing landed in our household and when it unleashed its unholy wrath, we were defenseless.  Skewing this a bit towards the melodramatic, you say? Well, buckle up. It’s a bumpy ride.

Looking back on our innocence on Friday, I actually tear up a little. At 3pm, young Eddie, who is only 4 and not yet the master of the graceful upchuck, booted all over the bathroom. Not a big deal. Five kids. Spit and the other thing happen—a lot.

Eddie proceeded to spew like a geyser for the NEXT SIX HOURS. I was considering getting him an X-ray to make sure he doesn’t have 4 stomachs like a cow.

Ellen– Good lord, woman, are you drinking enough fluids? Delirium is setting in.

ErinAnyway, I washed my sick puppy, put him to bed, and cloroxed the bathroom. Crisis over. Oh, silly Erin, had I not learned how quickly things can go from kinda-bad to serious-sh%#-going-down to flat-out-apocalyptic mayhem?   

Ellen – Can you say Pollyanna? Erin has 5 kids. This is not her first turn down Dysentery Drive. Let’s ask her brother-in-law whose family they nearly killed 2 years ago with The Great Pittsburgh Easter Virus. I’m pretty sure he is still holding a grudge for turning the family celebration into a CDC point source investigation.

Erin Anyway, I might have heard that the preschool had a class-A-bigtime-stinky-virus, but that wasn’t what we had. A Sisterhood Secret is not to put much stock in rumors. I felt free to dispatch two of the boys to overnight sleepovers the next day. Umm, yeah, you can see where this is going. We were now THAT family. 

Ellen– Yes, Erin sent biological bombs into not one, but TWO, separate sleepovers. What is that scratching noise you hear? That is Erin’s name being added to the top of every Black List in the county.

Erin The phone calls started at 10pm.  Kids were dropping like flies, and I was working hard to keep up, but at 12am, Mom was down too.  I have almost zero recollection of the next few hours as our viral marauders had their way with me. Aliens could have landed, I dunno. . . Anyway, as I was completely sacked out on the couch or taking up residence in the bathroom, I had no time to think about how much worse this could get.

But apparently, it could get a lot worse. Steve took Ace to his soccer game, but exclaimed as Ace(14) opened the door, “You are going to have to find your own way home, because the plague is taking me down. Starting now.”

Ellen– Steve is not that kind of parent. This just shows how awful this thing was. And are you keeping score? Erin has just spread this crud to a whole new pool of victims.

Erin I can only imagine what the parents who gave my child a ride home thought of us. But I was beyond caring. Being wrapped around a toilet does that to a woman.

And now Steve was out too. We were Night of the Walking Dead, except that the best we could do was kind of groan and crawl. The healthy were forced into medic duty with full exposure to The Menace. Good times.  

And have I fully conveyed the virulence of this thing? By dawn, the Evil Viral Menace had claimed Biddie(13). I was a desperate woman now, begging for people to acknowledge my pain and suffering. I posted a pathetically transparent plea for sympathy on Facebook. People stroked my fragile ego and made me feel a little better, except for my brother-in-law. He did bring up the Easter thing.

Ellen– I told you there was a grudge. But she didn’t get to wallow in her little Facebook pity party for long.

ErinAce wanders over and says he STILL has a headache and blurry vision. Still? Huh? He wasn’t sick yet. I shook my head a little as if that would settle the information more coherently in my brain.

Ellen– Yes, Ace, with the unrefined information filter of a teenage boy, decided not to tell his parents that he got knocked in the head during the soccer game. He didn’t want to bother the sick parents. Kinda sweet.

ErinSo phone call to Ellen.

Ellen– Yes, it sounded like he had a concussion, but they were way too sick to go to the ER.

ErinYeah, the ER might have done us in. Our immunocompromised selves would either be further assaulted or end up killing some poor sick little old lady–not the best way to redeem our reputation as the Point Source for this mess in my hometown.

As the proud patient of the World’s Greatest Doctor, I was able to secure a private assessment of Ace’s concussion away from the ER with the caveat that we must wear masks so as not to infect the office. And we had to come in the back door. We were one step away from being quarantined.

Good news: concussion was mild and Ace was not in danger.

Bad news: two hours later, Ace fell victim to The Menace, too. That’s right, folks! 7/7. Seven in one nasty, viral blow!!

In my weakened state, I almost violated my tenant that motherhood is not a pissing contest. I nearly snarkasticly replied to my friend Nicole’s Facebook post: “And we are 5/5 with the stomach virus. Yay! We’re so nerdy that we even have to get 100 percent when it comes to illness percentages!” I was feeling a little competitive. What is 5/5 compared to 7/7? I refrained from posting, but perhaps mentioning her post here is equally snarkastic and competitive.

Ellen– Especially when you kind of stole her idea for the 7/7.  And by the way, MY family was sick, too, albeit it with a much more civilized virus. No love coming my way. Just sayin’.

ErinPerhaps both of you will take pity on me as the Viral Menace has beaten me down and blurred the lines of decency for me. I mean Nicole even sounded downright chipper in her post. I am not chipper. I am not happy. Clearly we had a different strain at our house.

 This thing crushed even my inner Pollyanna. Perhaps some musical cue or lighting shift could have signaled to me that the darkness was about to descend. It would have given me time to invest in Saltines and Seagram’s Ginger Ale. Or, at the very least, to hang a crucifix in the window or some garlic on the hearth.

Ellen– Erin’s birthday is coming up and I’m getting her a whole house fumigation. What’s that? A call just came in from the Health Department. They are honoring me with a medal for community service.

Want to read what came before? Check out Part I and Part II.

Noteworthy: Erin started this blog while still fighting the virus and Ellen did final edit while in the pediatrician’s office with her youngest. We’re hardcore like that.

 

 

 

 

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30 thoughts on “Virus Part III: The Full Menace

  1. Nicole

    Snark away…. “It” got me again last night and I’m too suck to care right now. HOwever, did I tell you THIS tasty little fact? Miss N, being the optiomie of 2-year-old toughness, laid in a pool of her own vomit for an undetermined amount of time before we found her in the morning. Then she tried to blame the puke all over her bed on her biggest brother. And Nicole wins Mother of the Year for not hearing her baby girl puking! I think that, given your biggest’s concussion, you win. &:) and I think we can all agree that preschool is just a very special level of Hell right now.

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Oh, Nicole, I can now laugh–a little–about the insanity of it all. And you are a Trooper! This could almost be another chapter of the blog. -Erin

      Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      I think your autocorrect was feeling you. That is baaaaaaaaaaadd stuff. And if you are managing to hang in there, you get my vote for Mother and Trooper of the Year. In fact, awards all around, because as your autocorrect pointed out, this thing sucks. –Ellen

      Reply
  2. Laura

    Love the post! Erin, to add to this, I think we gave you the Easter virus two years ago. But still healthy here. Hoping this does not come our way.

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Thanks! Invest in hand sanitizer now! And hand soap! And maybe avoid all contact with humans until April!

      Reply
  3. Mary Ann

    Wow, what a bummer. One year when we had all our friends and their kids over to our house to watch the Super Bowl, the next day my son came down with the stomach flu. Very many people were upset with us after, but we were not aware that he was passing on germs.

    Sometimes we share stuff that we don’t want to share.

    Good thing you have your sense of humor to get you through:)

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Ooo, it is such bad luck to be a silent carrier, isn’t it? People act as if you had a vendetta like the Spaniards delivering small pox infested blankets.

      Laughter is the best medicine, right?

      Reply
  4. JD @ Honest Mom

    Oh my lord, this brings back memories. Sounds like rotavirus. Which is the plague that has struck us a few times. Including one time when not only were we deathly ill and miserable, but Hubs and I had to give up amazing John Mayer tickets that he gave me for my birthday. I still pout about that.

    On a related note, my hands are so dry from washing them a bazillion times a day, I think I’m missing a layer of skin. But I’m healthy, so there’s that. 😉

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Oh no! A missed concert is just adding insult to injury. Enough to induce nausea all over again. And I know what you mean about the hand washing. My cuticles are out of control.

      Reply
  5. Eric Storch

    Yikes! We have 8 people in the house and luckily, we have never been all ill at the same time. (I rarely get anything – I have the immune system of a freakin superhero).

    I feel for ya though. Upchucking is no fun for anybody.

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Can you share your super-immuno qualities? I am rarely covetous, but right now I definitely am—more than a little. Thanks for feeling our pain. It was ugly and now we can laugh about it—sort of.

      Reply
  6. Lenore Diane

    Gracious – I get it, you do what you gotta do ,, when you gotta do it … Yeah, yeah, whatever. Still, that’s awful!! A vomiter (new word) in the house is tough – more than one vomiter (still a new word) is tougher – more than two vomiters (word) and well… to quote the guy from Aliens, “Game over, Man! Game over!”

    So glad you gals are hardcore like that and shared this with us. I have one more thing to include on my thankful list. And, should the menace invade our house, I’m coming to you two for support. Though I only have two kids, so yeah – I doubt you’ll bat an eye. (smile)

    I hope all are feeling better now!

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      We are all about support. We also stand firm that mommyhood is not a competition (well, at least when we aren’t hugging toilets). Erin is the one with five kids (yes, she is the master). I have two. But we stand firm that we are both equally entitled to our pity parties, as is all of the Sisterhood.

      Glad you stopped by. We are feeling better now. -Ellen

      Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      I firmly believe that it would not be overreacting to put each child in his or her own bubble. Just sayin’. -Ellen

      Reply
  7. Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy

    Hilarious! I mean it was obviously horrible while happening, but your telling it of it had me in stitches. Stomach viruses are the worst, aren’t they? I’d rather have a cold ANY day! Hope the virus has long since cleared out and left your home happy and healthy 🙂

    Thanks for linking up with The Lightning and the Lightning Bug!
    Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..The Case of the Missing OvaryMy Profile

    Reply
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