Don’t Have All of Your Friends in One Basket
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Tribes are a big part of Planet Teen © . Your friends, your buds, your posse—If you are a teen, this core group can make or break your day. Most of the time, things are peaceful, sometimes less so. Here’s our take on maintaining your sanity when the tribe is rocky.
Ellen- If you have a teen or a tween, it feels like “PEER PRESSURE!” screams from every poster, magazine, and After School Special. Oh wait, After School Specials were my generation.
Erin-All of us of a certain age remember them—we had five channels and no remote. If you were a kid allowed to watch TV, you were tuning into such gems as My Mom’s Having A Baby—live birth and everything (should have probably taken notes or something) and Rookie of the Year (girls are great at sports too–who knew?)
Ellen- Remember “Schoolboy Father,” where Rob Lowe lobbies to have custody of his baby even though he’s 16?
Erin- What’s not to love? Anyway, these specials didn’t just aim to entertain, they had loftier goals—they wanted to educate us on some of the dangers of adolescence.
Peer pressure figured in a lot of them. Apparently, friends were the real wolves in the forest. The ones with their sheep’s clothing sliding off in their not-so-subtle attempts to ruin your life.
Ellen- But in a rare turn, I’m going to look at the brighter side of things. Peer is not the bad word here. Peers can also provide wonderful support and encouragement.
Erin- Unfortunately, there is no way to order a “well-adjusted-fun-sweet-tempered-best-bud-for-your-kid” on the internet.
Ellen- Yet.
Erin- But you really are looking for more than “Hey, I’m a kid, you’re a kid” when trying to find a peer group that works for your kids.
Ellen- Now don’t get crazy ideas in your head about interviews and DNA samples. Your child has always got to have freedom in choosing his or her own friends.
Erin- But you know what they don’t have a choice over? Their birth year. For no other reason than when they were popped out into this world, they are stuck with their birth cohort at school. In some schools, this group could be together for their entire K -12 lives.
Ellen- For some this could be the most comfortable fit in the world.
Erin – For others, the fit could be as awkward as OJ trying to squeeze his meaty paw into that glove.
Ellen- But while choosing your child’s friends is not something you should try to do or face dire consequences, what if you gave them more choices?
I have a phrase that I have coined, “Don’t Have All of Your Friends in One Basket.” Get it? A play off of the idiom, “Don’t Place All Your Eggs in One Basket.” I know, not a huge stretch, but focus on the wisdom of it, not my creativity.
Thanks to Jellybean for crafting these friends
Erin- If I had any useful “Little House on the Prairie” skills, I would cross-stitch that sucker onto a dishtowel—that’s how genius this is! When kids are hanging together all the time, like in an elementary school classroom, nerves are bound to be frayed and cliques are bound to be formed. And you pray it won’t happen, but at some point your child might end up odd man out—kicked out of the basket.
Ellen- You know how you temper the angst? Move those kids around. Shake it up and create different baskets to land in. Through the grace of Lady Luck, I have nurtured and encouraged various circles of friends for my girls.
Erin- It’s like dosey-doe-ing your way through the square dance of life—switching partners just when things start to get a little ugly. I have nurtured such dance moves in my own crew, and we are all much happier for it.
Ellen- Sometimes it is better to be lucky than good. We didn’t start out with this strategy—it just kind of grew. But when Middle School reared its ugly head, we realized what a special thing our kids had.
Erin- Sixth grade was an ugly beast for Biddie. Dear sweet girls who had been close friends morphed into something else entirely. Our perfect fit was off, and school became a painful, ugly place.
You heard us.
Biddie was ready to cut the girls out. But we have a small school, it really did just look like hormones run amok (I never for one minute thought the girls were intentionally hurting her), and now was the time to learn how to deal with difficult people. Ellen shared her “Don’t Poop In Your Own Den” maxim, and we took it to heart. We also took a break.
Ellen – In case you are just joining us, “Don’t Poop In Your Own Den,” means not to cause a stink in a place where you have to stay. Just like Ross and Rachel you can take a break without both sides knowing, but unlike in “Friends,” it can be a good thing—the best thing even.
Erin – I asked Biddie, “Listen, who is not involved with the drama?” She told me about studious, quiet Abby who read during lunch.
“Well, girlie, Abby just became your new best friend.”
Biddie took a break from the school girl drama with a series of great books (Highly recommend The Penderwick books and The Lightning Thief series), and a quiet non-drama buddy to sit with at lunch. She focused her middle school friend energy (which is limitless) on her neighborhood friends, Ellen’s girls and their associated posse, and her track buddies.
No more sleepovers with school friends for a whole semester. No more afterschool time with them either. I keep hearing Ross from Friends voice, “WE WERE ON A BREAK.”
And you know what? After a spring and a summer laying low, by the time we reconvened for 7th grade in the fall, all had settled and life has been drama-free. We know we were lucky. We are also pretty darn happy.
Ellen- So I guess we would like to help you tweak your luck. If you have young kids, you are primed for this advice.
Erin- And even if you have older kids, it’s really never too late to put this in action. Even if these “baskets” start when the kids are young, they are constantly morphing and shifting.
Ellen- One of the most important groups in our lives is the “Baby Friends.” These are a group of kids from our original playgroup. And I use the term “original” loosely. If the Bacholerette is a 5 on the pickiness scale of 10 (being so generous with this), then I am probably a 15.
Erin- I know not of this scale you speak of. I have zero radar and am not picky in the least. This brings its own issues sometimes, but I’ll try to stay focused.
Ellen- The playgroup members shifted around quite a bit in the beginning until the moms found a good fit.
Yes, we based it more on the moms than the kids. The kids were two—they didn’t care who they were snatching the toy from.
It all started with MOMS Club. You can see if they have a local chapter near you. It might be a good fit.
Erin- Fast forward 11 years and Ellen’s Labor Day party was a showcase for this group in action. Many of the people there were from the original MOMS Club group, but many were new friends who had fallen into the bunch. We Mom friends live in all the corners of our rural county, so the kids don’t get to see each other much anymore. But they fell in together like their days in the sandbox were yesterday.
Ellen- I think the giant inflatable water slide helped.
This wasn't even half of the kids there
Erin- Now don’t despair if playgroup days have passed you by. Playgroup for elementary school is spelled like this: extracurricular activities.
That’s right. Once your kids are wiping their own noses and tying their own shoes, that sandbox looks like a soccer field, a Boy Scout or Girl Scout meeting, a dance studio, or a Destination ImagiNation team practice.
Ellen – It looks like a church youth group, a theater stage, or a Lego League. There is a fit for every personality type, so start googling now. Look at your local Parks and Recreation, community college, or library website for activities that make your child feel happy and comfortable. Service groups are a good warm and fuzzy fit, too, because they are already made up of kids who are willing to work for the good of the community.
Erin- So when that snit of a mole hill becomes a mountain of frenemy warfare, a nice safe basket will be ready and waiting for your babies to jump into until the storm passes.
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski
I loved this. It’s like sitting at a kitchen table having a coffee getting some sage advice from other moms. (-:
Love the “tween playgroup” advice about extra-curricular activities.
Ado recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Sisters
Thank you, Ado! You do not even know how much your comment means to us because that is exactly the effect we are going for. We really are aiming to recreate the Sisterhood in our lives online. Ellen
Got to agree with Ado here. I also feel like for each read, I should have a pad & pen and take notes for when my girls get older. So wise, so wise!
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Well you just make a girl feel all warm and fuzzy! Thank you! Ellen
I really feel bad for the “tween” kiddos. It’s such a tough times when friends change and the pressure to fit in is so prominent. Great post!
jenn @ so this is love recently posted..Heavenly Day
Thank you. It is a comfort when one friend turns her back, to have others to hang with. Ellen
Love you saying “all in one basket!” i have a variety of friends, all showcasing a different layer of my personality; i tell my kids how important it is to be friends with all different people; i m never bored n learn new things all of the time!
Oooo, I love how you summed up one of the benefits of having different groups of friends is that they highlight different layers of your personality. I have definitely found that to be true with myself and my 13 year old. My daughter definitely has more personality than one group could handle. Ellen
This is such great advice, for little kids all the way up to adults. Those middle school years are some of the toughest and I can see that this is a great way to handle them. Wish my mom had read this when I was 11!
Such a sweet thing to say. I kinda wish my mom had too. Erin
Tweens! Not there yet thank goodness with my boys. Visiting from writer’s ese hop.
Thanks!
Things I love: Little House on the Prairie skillset. The Lightning Thief books. How much middle school sucked. Basing playgroups on moms instead of kids (which describes my current social group to a tee). And most especially: FRIENDS. Because I learned most everything about how to behave like an adult from Friends. Also, as my husband will verify, I am FREAKISHLY STRONG.
Thanks for the smile!
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Do you also know how to PIVOT, PIVOT? Ellen
We’re not even half way to the teens and I’m already dreading it. This is a great idea!
andie recently posted..You never know
Then the bright side is you have plenty of time to put this into play.
Ellen
Great advice! And so true. It’s already a relief to have neighborhood friends and church friends and school friends for my 7yo.
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I know it seems kind of basic, but we didn’t realize we were constructing the “baskets” when we were doing it. And we have definitely had friends who have had problems when things get dicey for their kids at school. Seemed to be worth a post. Ellen
What? There are no longer after school specials!?!? Where do kids get their dose of life lessons and wisdom? There’s gotta be a youtube series or something kids can get behind…
Anyhoo… I think this is AWESOME advice. But probably a lot easier to acheive as adults. I know clicks in the teen/tween years tend to be pretty solid and hard to penetrate or leave. At least that’s how I remember it.
Kim@Mamamzungu recently posted..Searching for Mama’s Eyes
Oh heck, yes, you can see them on youtube or you can purchase a box set for your old school viewing pleasure.
Certain tween/teen social groups are very tight, in particular the school ones. So when things get dicey in the school group, it’s a relief to have other groups of friends who are not all wrapped up in the drama. It is much easier to stand up under the drama if you know this is not the only place where you have people to hang with and not be alone.
And this advice does count for adults, too! Ellen
can I let out a secret? the idea of playdates and matching up my kids to potential friends makes my introverted hands just start to sweat. My oldest is just now in kindergarten, but oh, this will be a lesson for me to open up to other mamas too. Thanks for your sweet guidance through it all… Lord knows I need it!
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Nice piece of advice there! My kids are still preschool age but with the constant barrage of articles and books on bullying I’ve already got anxiety about them going to school (#1 starts in the fall). But your point about creating a diversified stream of friends to better weather rough waters is a great one!
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Thanks. Just thought we would pass along some things we have learned. Erin
Interesting. I was told by someone who runs many parenting groups about the importance of at least one best friend for kids even from the age 2 or 3. She advocated having young kids have one consistent best friend over at least once or twice a week for play dates.
The at least one best friend becomes even more important when kids reach their teens and their is so much pressure.
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I think kids tend toward this one best friend situation without much help from adults (adults do too), but having other friend circles and other close relationships seems key to my relationships with my friends as well as my kids. Even so, the “best friends” usually function within a larger friend circle (at least that is how it was for me and is how it is for my kids too). Nurturing relationships outside of one peer group is not only a good thing, it is almost inevitable if your child does anything other than go to school. It is also extremely helpful whenever there is trouble in the pack. Thank you for your thoughtful response, Erin
I am going to copy and paste the post for future reference. Great, wonderful advice and perspective. Am I allowed to wish mine would stay little a little while more??
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Thank you. You can wish it, but if you find a secret formula for making time stand still, I want in. Ellen
I loved this! Loved it! I have always encouraged my kids to have friend groups. They have school friends, church friends, neighborhood friends and friends that only friends because their mothers are friends. Ha! I wish my mom had encouraged that when I was a kid, it would have saved me a lot of heartache and drama during the tween years!
Delilah recently posted..So What?
I wish I had this in my tween years, too. Fifth through 8th grades might have been a little less painful.
Ellen
Great advice! When one friend group blows up (as it inevitably will), you have other sources left…
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How true! I should learn to keep in touch more often
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Oh Amen, Amen, Amen! I have always tried to keep my son mixing in different circles. This is a little easier for me since he’s homeschooled, and yes, I can admit it, I still subtly arrange some of his friendships and even limit others. I’m not under any obligations to allow my son to spend time with destructive peers just because he happened to be born the same year they were.
Great post!
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Thank you so much! Ellen
Having a 9 year-old-this post was priceless. Yet also, having a 5 and a 2 year old I found one other really priceless piece of advice that I have never heard anyone say before:
Playgroup for elementary school is spelled like this: extracurricular activities.
I realized that this is not what the majority of the post was about
but…
THANK YOU. Someone really needed to tell me that
I guess I sensed that, but sometimes I feel bad because with extra curricular activities the kids don’t have as much time as they used to, to have “friends over.” And I kept struggling with this in my mind. I am certain it is something I would have eventually concluded… but the way Erin said it just put my feelings perfectly in words.
So besides giving me a heads up on the whole Jr. High thing (SO not looking forward to that!) thanks for this other tidbit.
Kate F. (@katefineske) recently posted..Maintaining Friendships as a Mother
One of the most gratifying things about writing is seeing which nugget is going to strike a chord with people. I’m glad we had a nugget in here for you.
Ellen
And believe me, getting kids to their activities is such a chore I often forget that THEY are having fun.
I’m glad that my daughter seems to have this done right naturally. I think part of it is that in our school here the kids get “shuffled” every year and whole new classes are made up, it’s not always the same kids together… This way both my kids have many layers of friendships and right now I’m really grateful about it, since some friends my daughter has make bad choices (drinking, smoking…. – at 14, for crying out loud!) and she hangs out with the other friends now.
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Erin’s kids go to a small school and classes don’t shuffle much at my kids’ schools. You are lucky your school does that. It is SO important to have other friends to turn to when the stakes are so high, like with risky (and illegal) behaviors. Ellen
What great advice! I’ll have to click on that Lego League link because that sounds intriguing. I went to a small middle school, all of my friends were in one basket and it was so ridiculously, painfully obvious when you had to find alternate friends because you were ousted from your group. I would hate to see that for my son. Didn’t think about cultivating a different path for him though.
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Yes, check the Lego League out, especially for younger kids, it is a little less intense. As they get toward 5th grade, they start adding in robotics. I think it is easier for the kids if they have a gradual build-up to that level. My kids did not do it but we have friends who have coached. They found it very rewarding and fun. Ellen
I’ve never thought about it, but kids really are stuck with the people from their birth year throughout their school days. And it can make them miserable if the fit is not quite right…believe me, I know. Some great tips here, and I do love the “don’t put your friends in one basket” wisdom.
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I hear you! I was stuck with evil in plaid jumpers for about 5 years! Ellen
I’m bookmarking this for the next few years
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The future of mothering tweens is scaring me (thank goodness for blogs like yours!).
That’s sweet of you. We don’t mean to terrify, but it’s best to know from which direction the tornado is coming. Erin
Wait. Where are you guys? Let’s organize a play date for our tweens/teens. The best friendships I have are the ones I created when the girls were little–within playgroups organized through a mom’s club. Even though we are now miles apart, Facebook keeps us connected and I don’t even hide their updates (unlike those friends in my high school friend basket). But regarding the kids, this is good insight and advice and I hope it is widely read. It’s intelligent without the stuffy, I’m a psychologist feel. Thank you for being here. (ps Am I the only one who needs the calculator app when submitting a comment?…my math skills are horrible)
Sperk* (Kimberly S.) recently posted..Wednesday’s Woman: Impacting Families
Oooh, that would be so fun. I would love to see your daughter in her next off off Broadway production. ; ) Erin
Woah, woah, woah. Girls are good at sports too? My head just exploded.
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I remember distinctly my feeling of “duh!”. Erin
Love your site. Glad I happened upon you.
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Thanks! Erin