10 Children’s Books We Wanna Throat Punch
We Love Stasha and Her Listicle Ways
So for this Monday Listicles, it is all about books. We thought we were going to be like kids in a candy store, unable to focus on what sort of list we would want to make because books are, well, like candy to us. But like the assassins we have been tagged to be, our only real choice was to list children’s books we would love to assassinate or, at the very least, throat punch.
Confused and mildly worried blog reader say, “What?”
We are talking, of course, about The Character Assassination Carousel hosted by the hilarious and industrious Nicole Leigh Shaw over at Ninja Mom Blog. Each month a guest blogger steps up to roast a different children’s book. I can see you going, “Oh, now I know what they are babbling about.” For those of you in the back, still in the dark, click on the badge to get the full scoop. And do it quickly because you’re blowing our cover.
Ten Children’s Books We Wanna Throat Punch
1. Babar—We begin here by giving props to the most recent Character Assassination executed by Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures where she puts Babar firmly in her cross hairs. Her fractured tale, Babar Gets Poached, sarcasto-blasts passive-aggressive parenting and mutant pedophiles. Quite honestly, if she had not taken the big guy down, we would have, because ooh-la-la, this series of French books about an elephant king and his wacky brood makes you wonder if something was lost in translation. If politically and morally offensive yarns are your cup of tea (and, no, Bill Maher does not count), then these lovely tales of imperialism are for you. Add some questionable family values (he marries his cousin–Hello, West Virginia!!)–and you’ve got one humdinger of a family storytime.
2. The Giving Tree– We cannot continue with this list without mentioning the Jason Bourne of Assassins herself, Ninja Mom. The Giving Tree has always made Ellen feel all give-the-boy-a-throat-punch. How self-centered can one kiddie lit character be? He is at the very least a diagnosable narcissist. Ninja Mom gives the tree her moment to vent. Boo-yah!
Now allow us to branch out on our own for some target practice pot shots.
3. Franklin– Poor little turtle is toting a world of problems in that shell, so you almost feel bad for him. Unfortunately, he’s more needy than a Kardashian with a maxed AmEx. When he’s afraid of the dark, he doesn’t just buy a nightlight like everybody else, he’s that friend who wants to talk it out. A LOT. “Hey, I am afraid of the dark, what are you afraid of duck and fox and bear and beaver and raccoon and the whole freaking forest. Oh, and he is so virtuous and wholesome, and daggum nice, that he could be the mayor of Mayberry. Warning: This book could give you cavities . . .or a migraine or migraines because of cavities.
4. Margaret Wise Brown—Classic kiddy lit is not that different from classic adult lit—someone told you that it’s good for you, but you have no idea why. In this case, all the world of kiddy lit LOVES this lady, and this lady is well, a little nuts. Rhyme schemes come and go, sentence structures fall apart, and the laws of good grammar are suspended. It’s enough to make adults reach for a little something to help this go down.
5. Olivia — This line, “You wear me out but I love you anyway,” from Olivia’s mother is your warning. Between singing at the top of her lungs, painting things she shouldn’t, and scaring the bejeesus out of her brother, Olivia is the kind of pig known an a “negative influence”. She is a rollicking good time (if you are on the pathway to juvenile delinquency), so kids LOVE her, but if you have your own spirited little Olivia, this might be another book worth passing on.
6. The Thomas the Train books– How could such an adorable premise like talking trains lead to such creepy books and an even creepier show? These books really do make your skin crawl. The fact that their merchandising is taking over the world seems to us the fruition of their evil plan.
7. Sheep on a Ship-–Had a long day? Are you a little tired? Under the influence of any 
medications or numbed to mental mush by a day spent with your offspring? DO NOT PICK UP THIS BOOK. We are channeling Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars here to shout, “It’s a trap.” For your tongue that is. Unless you have your full wits about you, this book will expose your babies to a whole new world of language that is probably best left to the locker room. Just trust us on this one.
8. No, David!– The good news: This is the whole book. This phrase, every page. Shwoo. Easy read. The bad news: It is chock full of bad ideas. The ugly: Kids lap this book up like it’s their manifesto. It’s basically a primer on how to send your parents to the edge, and since all children are just waiting for an excuse and some resources to bring the house down, you have been warned.
9. The Berenstain Bears–AKA The Boringstain Bears. Saccharin sweet adventures make us yawn anyway, but these books are a double-dose of Ambien… or Ipecac. Donate these to that new mommy you might not be the best of friends with. Über-competent Mama Bear, with her Cracker Jack Box psychology, will give her such great parenting ideas. But on the truly helpful side, clueless Papa will justify all of the semi-homicidal feelings she has been having towards her hubby during her all night breastfeeding marathons.
10. Our Target–Stay tuned, it will all be revealed on May 10th. Until then, watch your back Tooth Fairy because we are sick and tired of you forgetting to visit our houses.
Think our pot shots are funny? Do yourself a favor and check out the whole list of full length lampoons over at Ninja Mom Blog.
And check out all the other Book Listicles on Stasha’s The Good Life.
Darn, we’ve given you so many reading assignments, when are you going to have time to pick up a book?
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski
Tee-hee…Olivia really is naughty! I thought I was the only one who thought Margaret Wise Brown didn’t make any freakin’ sense!!! I’m heading off to bed with a new sense of validation. Thanks, Ladies!
Jennifer Worrell recently posted..Goldilocks Adds Three Cents to 50 Shades of Gray Commentary
My son loves The Big Red Barn, but it makes me nutty trying to read it so that it sounds pretty. Same deal with her Diggers book. Dig, dig, dig, dig a hole and put me in it, already!
And don’t get me started on Thomas. Mind-numbingly boring books to read. My son was not interested in them for long. I guess he can stay.
Cookie’s Mom recently posted..Ten Books You Should Read
Love what you say about Frankln! Also damn tooth fairy is like a week over due to visit our house!
Robbie recently posted..Changes
Hi-lar-i-ous.
I can’t wait to hear what your target will be May 10!
PS: I can’t stand the Giving Tree. It depresses the shit out of me.
Ado recently posted..15 Books
We got one of Franklin’s books in Wendy’s kids meal. It had a picture of a fly pie. Enough said!
You two are hilarious.
Stasha recently posted..Monday Listicles
Your list cracks me up. Thanks for a fun read tonight.
I checked the No David book out from the library once. And it is exactly a manifesto. I won’t make that mistake againg. But the giving tree? I love that book!
Can we add the curious george books? Have you reread them recently? George is happy to be captured and taken from “africa.” They are uncomfortable. Doubly true for the tin tin series, but you don’t see much of that in the US…
Kim@Mamamzungu recently posted..Caleb cracks me up. The end.
Yes, Curious George was a contender! Agreed! But we wanted to keep the list to ten so that we didn’t sound like we were on a crazy rant.
Ellen
This is HILARIOUS! We have no fewer than three books in the No David series, and although the text on the pages is minimal (No David, Cut it out David, I’m going to disown you David) they take forever to read, because each page requires a lecture about how my kids better never expect to get away with any of that. Plus at the end he’s always being forgiven, which my kids should know by now is totally unrealistic.
Also, THANK YOU for the post review!!! I can promise you, without a doubt, that my new favorite term, “sarcasto-blast,” will be worked into every promo for my blog from here on out!
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Mommy Math
What’s wrong with marrying your cousin? LOL
Great take on this weeks prompt Ninja Assassin Moms.
I wrote an essay on The Giving Tree for one of my ECE lit classes and can’t find it…was going to pull something clever from it to share. Must be on a different drive. Love the list. I hadn’t heard of the Ninja Mom blog and will definitely be checking it out. We need to compile a teen book list like this. Every book seems to be about losing virginity or about paranormal characters losing their virginity….ughhh….if you have a list of goodies, share when you get the time.
Here’s to a great week!
Kimberly S. (Sperk*) recently posted..Name 10 Books
I would LOVE to see that essay! Ellen
Can I add an early reader to this list – Junie B. Jones. Those books drive me crazy! The bad grammar and sentence structure grates on my every nerve (and I am no where close to a grammar guru – so shows you how bad they are). Plus Junie is a bratty kid that calls other kids stupid, dumb, etc… and everyone just thinks she is cute and there no repercussions to her outrageiously bad behavior.
Okay got that off my chest – great list and I agree with Sperk – a teenage/preteen book review would be awesome!
Mary- I agree! Junie B. Jones kills me!
Hate me now Erin & Ellen but I love Olivia & the David Books!
Will I lose my mommy cred here now?
I do agree. Each time I read the Giving Tree I want to smack that kid and tell him to wise up, use some manners, and stop being so selfish!
Jackie recently posted..Hanging in the Kiddie Section
No hate ever. We like what we like, but David has those creepy pictures too—I just don’t get that one (AND MY KIDS LOVE BOTH OF THEM!). Thanks for being honest, Erin
Haha…No, David is one I definitely felt that way about with my oldest. I’m just annoyed that I now have the “Hey, it’s Franklin” song stuck in my head
Katie E recently posted..Monday Listicles: 10 Authors Whose Work I Will (Almost) Always Read
And now I have that song stuck in my head, too.
Ellen
You know…I never thought of Franklin that way. Maybe that’s why he bugs me so much.
We do however LOVE Olivia! I love her imagination and exploration and really don’t mind when my Lil Duck explores those areas either. And maybe that’s because she mostly focuses on dressing up and pretending to be grand figures in life, dancing, playing instruments, building ice rinks in the back yard. I doubt we’d ever take a turkey to school or bring one home as a pet but it is fun to imagine what that would be like. I might feel differently if my Lil Duck decided to try painting her bedroom wall though. :O)
Ducky recently posted..Top 10 Reads – by Lil Duck
Yeah, that painting might be a deal breaker! Funny, Erin
Love your list!!
:) The worst part about some of these…like Thomas and Franklin is that were turned into shows later that make us want to stab our eyes out…I have to confess I loved the Bernstein bears as a kid and my son loves the show now lol
sara recently posted..Whatcha Been Reading?
I loved the Berenstain Bears as kids too—especially the Messy Room, but I didn’t know any better. Ha! Erin
But…but…I LOVE David. Seriously, sincerely love. Probably because I’ve taught David every year for the past 10 years, and you have to laugh or else you’ll cry. Ha!
Stephanie recently posted..T is for Tarantulas (and Other Large Spiders)
Haha. I do love the Giving Tree, however. But the Bernstein Bears? Not only are they boring but they are SO FREAKIN’ LONG. you know, for kids books.
jenn @ so this is love recently posted..10 Reasons Why I Shouldn’t Be Left Unattended
YES, OMG YES. The first time I saw an episode of Thomas I was like, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? THIS is what kids are so jazzed about?! The worst animation ever…with this bizarre animated village?!”. I have one of those books on my list as well, on the “to be burned” list.
I LOVE The Giving Tree, though. It makes me want to sob every time I read it, but I think it’s lovely.
Thomas the Train books might be the worst books ever written, if you can even call that writing. Followed closely by the Franklin books. I would add to this list, the Treehouse books where two siblings have to…you don’t want to know. They are truly that boring.
And ‘throat punch’? That is awesome.
heidi recently posted..lost and found
Oh my goodness, yes, the Treehouse books. This list really could be endless. Ellen
I swear the Berenstein Bears changed – were they moralizing didacta-tales when I was a kid? shudder. And babar? can I get a wootwoot for imperialist dogma, indeed: yes, it’s MUCH better to live in a city adn drive a car instead of living in a jungle (can we add curious george to this particular pile?) And Thomas “facisti” Train with his Fat Conductor (as he’s called in the UK versions)… And thank you, THANK YOU for whacking the kid in the giving tree. that book utterly and completely creeps me out. Can’t wait to see what you throat-punch cuz this list is a great beginning.
deborah l quinn recently posted..Comment on vacation? family trip? yes. by Stasha
Uh oh, now I’m feeling like we set up some high expectations. I do know our angle is fresh on our book that is very creepers. Ellen
He he he. You said it not me!!!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who wants to throw up reading some of these. And if the books aren’t bad enough… having to watch this stuff animated makes me want to run from the room at times.
Susi recently posted..Getting Tagged
If the book is mildly annoying, the animated version is NEVER an improvement that is for sure. Ellen
Yes! Thanks for the highlight! I cannot wait to see what you come up with. It’s going to be bloody, isn’t it?
I have a Margaret Wise Brown book, The Sailor Dog. It’s probably the greatest specimen of the come-and-go rhyme schizophrenia of Ms. Wise Brown. Terrible!
Here’s a link to the Wiki on the book. Wowzers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scuppers_The_Sailor_Dog
Ninja Mom recently posted..My mother’s apron: It’s not what you think it is.
The Giving Tree was definitely my first choice. I would have been disappointed that it was taken, if it wasn’t for the fact you so brilliantly nailed it. Ellen
Hilarious!!!! Thanks for the incredibly witty and accurate banned book list!!!
Erin M Threlfall recently posted..The Stories We Share
Franklin and Big Red Barn were on my son’s favorite-reads list when he was young. I remember wanting to hide them, along with some others. LOL
Ally recently posted..Is This Just Change For The Sake Of Change?!
oh great ! I really love that post
WOW and HAHAHA Great points that I bet a lot don’t have the bloggy mom big pants to come out and say it.
BUT now I want to send you my books to see if you love them.
Yes, selfish children’s book author thinking! I know, I know! But now I’m on a mission for you to read my books and get you to go ooooo ahhhh love Tilda Pinkerton!
Thanks for posting this! I want to share it.
Angela Shelton recently posted..What Scares You the Most?
I think your mission would be easy with us. I’ve been eying the books in your header. In fact, when I get the Yeah Write Me reading completed I will be perusing your whole blog. I need more of your message in my life.
And this is all in fun.
I read many of these to my kids and they loved them. But after reading them 500 times, they can be a little much for an adult to take. But I LOVE Skippyjon Jones, so go figure. Ellen P.S. – We would always happily accept books, despite our lampoon, books are like air to us. In fact, making a list of ones that we loved seemed impossible because it would be miles long. Ones that make us twitchy was a pretty short list. 
Awwww, that just made me all gushy. I’m trying to catch up on Yeah Write posts too! Oh my lordie, it’s like reading a book a week.
And peruse my whole blog? Careful there cowgirl, there are rabbit holes to fall down! It’s one of the reasons I started MagicalHatShop.com to talk about my children’s books there. My site is my all around site, now updated to moving from Malibu to Maybury.
Angela Shelton recently posted..Community ~ Unity ~ U and 50 bucks
I’m so glad that we can admit that just because the books are published and just because they’re for kids doesn’t mean they can get away with being bad, creepy, or just plain boring. Growing up, I HATED the Berenstain Bears. Boring doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Glad that you both have such a wonderful sense of humor. Sorry that not everyone can appreciate it.
Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..The "I’m Sorry" Jar
Thank you, Katie! Ellen
I used to love the damn Bears but I admit that I’d be quite pleased to see a hunter visit them. Enough of them and their happy go lucky ways.
Jack@TheJackB recently posted..How To Become a Better Writer In Three Easy Steps
Well, I don’t know if I would want to see Mama and her polka dot kerchief hanging over the mantle, but that made me giggle. I used to love them too. Maybe the fifth time round this tree just broke me a little or let me read it all a little more clearly. Erin
I hate Thomas, and have a 2 year old that loves him. The show is awful. Thomas is really a pain in the ass. And the books are terrible, too. Looking forward to growing out of this phase…
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Two-Line Tuesday: King of the Slide
Feeling your pain. Glad to have a brother in the trenches. Erin
Oh gosh, I understand about Olivia. We have several Olivia books and I want to hide some of them.
This was too funny. We are avid book readers here and there are certain books I hide under the mattress during bedtime routine and then later go back and discard. Some due to the number of times I’ve had to read it. Others when I realize the message or annoyance. I totally agree with you! Same goes for cartoons.
Tricia @ Take 10 recently posted..What’s A Mom To Do?
If you read a lot, you are inevitably gonna find some stinkers or even just get darn sick of some books. That’s the nature of the beast. Erin