Picture This

It was as beautiful a spring morning as ever was. A ray of sun filtered through Erin’s kitchen window spotlighting the telephone handset resting on the table. The two friends were uncharacteristically quiet as they sipped their coffee and the cat curled up on Ellen’s lap.

The phone rings and time seems to slow down as Ellen grabs Erin’s hand. “Well, answer it. You know your voicemail is full and they won’t be able to leave a message,” Ellen says.

Erin punches the button and lifts it to her ear. Even so, Ellen can hear, “Congratulations, your loan has been approved.” The radiant smile on Erin’s face confirms what she overheard. Ellen leaps to her feet, unceremoniously tipping the cat to the floor, to give her friend a hug.

Ellen proclaims, “Halleluiah, the kids can their get school pictures taken!”

ErinWell at least that is how it feels. I have FIVE kids. Five kids, people. And my father who adores school pictures. I take beautiful shots of my kids at the beach and the park. They are natural and expressive photographs and he likes them, but he LOVES the pictures taken by “professionals” in front of official backgrounds. 

Ellen– You mean the lapis lazuli vomit swirl background? Really?

ErinSomething about the official-ness of it must speak to his judicially ordered heart. And we get the full package for him: the 8 x10 for the homestead stairwell and the 5 x7 for the courthouse office.

Ellen – Well, at least someone likes them. I swear I spend a fortune every year, and they just sit in my china cabinet undistributed because they just aren’t a good product. (And, honestly, I let some things slip through the cracks.) I just feel so guilty if I don’t purchase them for some reason, like I’m making some larger public statement about how much I love and value my kids.

ErinI got your guilt. This, from Eddie’s preschool teacher, who nunned me up real good: “Just because he is the fifth child doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy the picture package.”  

Ellen – Ouch!

ErinOh, it gets better. I caved and paid for the pictures.  Then. . .

Sister Mary Tarnish-My-Tiara says, “Everyone had wonderful pictures! You are going to be so excited to see them.” Long pause. “Except for Eddie. We had to take his picture 35 times, and the entire class was late to library because of it.”

Ellen– Did you get the bonus didn’t-want-to-make-eye-contact-staring-awkwardly-and-silently-at-the-ground pantomime from the rest of the moms because you were being scolded? By a nun.

Erin– But the end result was just as I predicted: a sourpuss picture of a disgruntled preschooler. I can get that any day of the week  just by telling him no. I don’t need it staring out of a frame at me.

Ellen –  I know that look. He seems to get it when we mention blogging, too. Poor tortured 4 year old.

Erin  But the real subliminal message to the world that we might not have our shizz together comes when the third grader wears his sports goggles in the class picture. That’s right. My sons, the future Rhodes Scholars, decided to play war THE NIGHT BEFORE class pictures, and, as any parent with 15 minutes of experience could tell you, things got ugly. And fast.

Luckily, the only casualties were Deacon’s glasses and my patience.

Ellen– Luckily, really!?! That seems to be an understatement, Pollyanna.

ErinOkay, we weren’t really lucky. Deacon’s eyes cross without his corrective eyewear, so a pic without glasses was never an option. I called the optometrist! But, denied! I can still hear them chuckling at the ridiculousness of my emergency request of making super special prescription glasses in 30 minutes. That’s right. I could hear THEM sharing the can-you-believe-what-this-crazy-mom-just-asked laugh—it was worthy of a group giggle.

My last resort without time or luck on our side were his sports goggles. His big, black, thick goggles complete with strap around the back. While I may cherish this picture and the fond, fond memories it brings, the other moms definitely looked askance at me afterward. And offered up fashion advice. Lots of it.

Erin models the goggles. Saying, “Not tonight honey,” without saying a word.

 

Ellen – The pressure of the class picture can make you crack. And you just keep telling yourself that message is subliminal. Those bad boys shout out, “This family is really just a steaming ball of hot mess.” Those pictures can’t be hidden in the china closet. They are up for worldwide distribution.

ErinNo one is feeling you more than me right now, Sister. 

Ellen– There is the whole what to wear thing EVEN when there is no vanity involved.  I’m not talking prissy girls throwing tantrums because they don’t have a shirt to perfectly match the blue of their eyes. I’m talking school-wants-to-make-everything-a-pain-in-my tuckus -because-no-one can-crosscheck-a-calendar.

School Admins: Ruining Mornings Since Little House on the Prairie

ErinI’m just gonna say it OUT LOUD: Jostens and Lifetouch are the cartels, but the schools are the Dr. Evil kingpins pulling the strings and making us dance.

EllenFor real! For the spring round of pictures, Jellybean (11) got the form for the April 13th pictures on April 10th. After coming off of spring break, this did not jump to the top of my priority list.

Flash to the morning of pictures and Jellybean comes down dressed like a hobo ready to clean out the garage.

“Honey, today is picture day. Why are you wearing old sweat pants?”

Jellybean-“Because it is the fitness test today in gym.”

Seriously, I’m shelling out $30 for pictures (cheapest substantial package) and the school scheduled the fitness test on the same day?

“Honey, they are taking the CLASS picture today. We can’t have you distributed to multiple households looking like a refugee. Or like one of Erin’s offspring. What about that cute dress you wore on vacation?”

Jellybean- (possibly a little tearful from me calling her a refugee) “But we have to do push-ups, pull-ups, and sit-ups. I can’t wear a skirt!”

Ellen- “So what time is gym?”

Jellybean – “First period.”

Of course it is. (In elementary school, they don’t get to change for gym.)

Ellen- “So you’re telling me that no matter what you wear, you’ll be a hot mess anyway by the time pictures roll around?”

Oy.

Ellen– So tick tock goes the clock, we go upstairs and settle on a embellished tank with a sweater, jeans, and Converse. Whatever, I surrender. The kicker? The gym teacher was absent so the fitness test was cancelled. Winner? The school for messing up my morning for no reason except its own evil entertainment.

Erin –  Seriously, we have 7 kids between us so the complaints reminiscing could go on forever. Let’s not forget that school pictures cornered you into highlighting Coco’s hair. But you do have to love the comedy in school pictures, too.

Ellen – I’m glad you can laugh. What about the tragedy of it all??

ErinOh wait a minute. WHAT ABOUT WHAT WE OVERCAME!

Ellen – That’s what I’m saying!

ErinI modeled the sports goggles. My pride is not an issue for this post.

Erin

 

Ellen – One of the first things Erin said when she handed me this picture? “Can you believe they didn’t even straighten my necklace?” Yes, that was exactly the first thing I was incredulous about.

ErinWhatever. Your turn.

Ellen – I’m actually proud about how far I have come.

ErinYou should be.

 

Ellen’s 7th Grade Picture. Believe me, the resolution is good enough.

 

Ellen – So clearly Erin is classier than me. I chose the group picture because I was not going down alone. We will close with Josten’s Mission Statement because, really, I would like for the whole blogosphere to tell them to suck it.

Jostens’ Mission Statement

Supporting your mission is our mission.

We take great care in passionately helping people:

Express themselves

Celebrate experiences and traditions

Recognize achievements

Share their stories

ErinJust one more thing I would like to add: Creating images that will cause your offspring to roll on the floor laughing at you with glee in their eyes. Have at them, Blogosphere!

 

-Ellen and Erin

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Share it real good . . .
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponShare on RedditEmail this to someonePrint this page

Comments

comments

62 thoughts on “Picture This

  1. Mary

    I’m with Steve – I LOVE the school picture! I love it so much that as a homeschooling mom I drag my kid to Walmart and purposely choose a background that reminds me of the school picture. Now in full disclosure – I make the photographer take a ton until I’m satisfied and then can crop to my content and I’m only spending $7.99 on a gazillion pics. However, no matter what, it still has that look of a mutant school pic (something with the studio light, the “professional” photographer, and the background.) And I LOVE it. I love the dorkiness of kids and watching them through their school pics turn into beautiful swans – inside and out. With digital camera these days we only keep the great pics and delete all the rest. On FB we only post the good pics but the school picture is the one place left where we are forced to buy bad pics of our adorable dorky kids and in a way it shows the true essence of that stage (aka – Deacans’ pic without glasses, Eddie’s intolerance of camera’s, and Ellen’s pics – where we truly understand why she shouldn’t have short hair).

    And what fun is it to only bring out gorgeous pics of yourself from childhood. I say let the school pic reign and show them off with pride!!

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Best comment ever, Mary! I will embrace the school pictures that are spilling out of my china cabinet now! I do throw my middle school pics around like a badge of honor. Ellen

      Reply
  2. Stasha

    Oh i hear you!!!!! I am a photographer and I pay $20 twice a year for a 4×6 times two for my kids grumpy preK swirly background photos. Finally this autum she said she will do a class picture and I though all right, that is something I can’t do and a memory he will keep forever. But she just made a collage of all the kids individual photos…
    Have I told you Thant I have over 10000 photos of my son? Yeah.
    And that gym before photo. That is the most absurd thing I read this month. Including that mad Alicia Silverstone thing you girls all listed on Monday.
    Stasha recently posted..Inside Big M’s headMy Profile

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Thank you Stasha for your support on the gym/picture scheduling thing! Because why do we really blog, but to get affirmation that we are justified in getting peeved by the ridiculous things in our lives? 🙂 You’re a true sister!

      So, could you possibly volunteer to take class pictures?? Your work is beautiful! And glad to hear that your son is well on his way to reaching the 1 million photo mark by the time he graduates. Ellen

      Reply
  3. Jennifer

    That picture of Erin is so familiar. I think we had the same haircut.

    We usually go in for the school pic, but the kids always almost always look seriously, well, special. And yet, the grandparents still love to frame those hideous shots.

    This made me snort: “Eddie’s preschool teacher, who nunned me up real good”

    You two make me laugh! Do you record your conversations & then transcribe them?
    Jennifer recently posted..Adventures with Cancer Part 1My Profile

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Oh, you flatter us. To think what comes out of our mouths could be transcribed and be discernible to anyone is laughable and would be three times longer than what we actually write…I Know Right! Usually a conversation between us yields about 3 blog subjects: Tangents R’Us. At one point we weren’t even sure if we were going to be able recreate what we have in person on paper (or rather computer screen). I think it is working out and we are having a good time.

      BTW: Thank you for the props for “nunned me up real good.” Erin coined it, but she wanted to edit it out. I went to the mat for that phrase because it made me snort too. Thanks for having my editing back. 😉 Ellen

      Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Hello, yearbook sister! I do the yearbook at my daughter’s elementary school. I think this was my five year, but ala,s it was my last year since Jellybean is moving onto Middle School.

      I just turned it in on the deadline last week. Maybe that is why a school picture topic was bursting to get out of my brain. Hmmmm… Ellen

      Reply
  4. Laura

    My worst school picture was third grade, I cut my bangs off about 2 months before picture day. But I still love my kids pictures that come from school. Great blog, You in the goggles made me lol.

    Reply
  5. Ninja Mom

    I think Erin’s pic is pretty adorable. I will have to upload my 6th grade pic. What a nightmare! If I can find it . . . (might have been burned).

    Ellen, girl, that’s a lot of hair. But, really, isn’t that the kind of thing we are thankful for once we tame it?

    I hate school pics. Now pics I just buy the class pics for the kids to have and order the photo cd. I order prints at Walgreens as needed. Suck it Jostens.
    Ninja Mom recently posted..My mother’s apron: It’s not what you think it is.My Profile

    Reply
  6. January

    Oh the laser beams! Such unflattering light for everyone. I got suckered in for my eldest pre-school picture and I’ll admit – it’s pretty darn adorable…but he’s a bit of a ham.

    As for Ellen’s 7th grade picture…well. Thank you for sharing that. Other than that…there really are no other words for that one…except maybe…HOLY HAIR BATMAN! 😉
    January recently posted..Huggles and Ham SandwichesMy Profile

    Reply
  7. Kim@Mamamzungu

    We take these kind of pics too mainly for the grandmas. Which makes me wonder if we are all going to pivot and suddenly like hokey studio portraits when we have grandkids. Do we age into this behavior?

    And speaking of schools’ poor scheduling: One year we had all of HS yearbook candids taken during spirit week’s “clash day.” This was a day which most of the student body showed up in paisley shirts and striped pants and the like. (This was the very early 90s, so it got pretty ugly.) So we are immortalized in the yearbook looking like a bunch of visually challenged kids who insist on dressing themselves. And we shelled out an ungodly $50 for the book.
    Kim@Mamamzungu recently posted..Caleb cracks me up. The end.My Profile

    Reply
  8. Stacey

    At the time, they’re awful, but it is SO fun to look back on them and remember picking out that special smurf necklace to wear. (I swear that was only Kindergarten.) My sons go to a Montessori school and one of the moms is a professional photographer. She did all their photos outside and let us choose between 4 proofs. It was much more like a modern family photo shoot and I love the way they turned out, but there is something special about those traditional school photos, for sure.
    Stacey recently posted..Letter to My SonMy Profile

    Reply
  9. heidi

    I was dying at this “lapis lazuli vomit swirl background”. That is the most perfect description of those backgrounds ever! I totally get what you’re saying about the guilt of not ordering them, so I do. And then they sit in our ‘homework box’ for ages.

    What an awesome post, you guys. And your pictures? Are just precious. I have a serious case of the bowl cut in many, many school photos.
    heidi recently posted..lost and foundMy Profile

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      You must be my sister-once-removed. What was up with the Dorothy Hamill haircuts from hell?? Glad you thought we were cute. Not feeling that, but I will choose to believe you, Erin

      Reply
  10. stephanie

    Ok, so I would ask – what do the schools get out of these photos? Do they get a kickback from Jostens? Why do they guilt you into buying the package? Loved the “nunned me up” and “Sister-mary-tarnish-my-tiara” ! I grew up with nuns. I know you think more highly of them than I do, and I’m sure they’ve mellowed since my experience. But nice to see that humor – because that was hilarious! Funny post, as always!
    stephanie recently posted..Amish on ParadeMy Profile

    Reply
  11. hollow tree ventures

    Early in my bloghood, I wrote a SERIES of posts about how much I hate Lifetouch, because my disdain couldn’t be contained in a single post. I remember when I was a kid we exchanged photos with our friends, so it made sense to get the 800 wallet-size package (even though I only had 4 friends). My kids don’t do that, so I never ordered pictures – until THIS year, when they announced you can’t get a yearbook without getting a picture package. Probably the only way they can sell their dumb pictures anymore. Ohhhh, I hate them so.
    hollow tree ventures recently posted..Mom’s In Her Non-Mom-Jean JeansMy Profile

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      My kids don’t do the exchanges either! Why don’t they do the exchanges anymore!?!

      We use to wipe the corners with spit and use a ballpoint pen to “engrave” our names on them. Or maybe my school was just classy? Ellen

      Reply
  12. Susannah

    I’m in love with this post. You’ve released mountains of guilt from me for not ordering every picture that comes home in my little girls backpack. Spring pics, fall pics, basketball pics, “hey, its Thursday” pics. Thank you so much.

    Reply
  13. Missy olive

    We should totally move in together!!! Picture day is Friday! I am totally scared of my memory chest. If they bonus girls find my old school pics………..

    Reply
  14. Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy

    HAHAHA! Oh, my gosh, I have tears in my eyes after reading this. You ladies crack me up. Seriously, if the post wasn’t funny enough, your captions were hilarious. Especially the captions for the sports goggles picture and Ellen’s class pictures. I can’t stop giggling. This may need to be read aloud to the hubby…which is really the best compliment I can pay a blog post.

    And I loved the Jimmy Fallon video, too! I had that laser background in one of my school photos, but mine was multi-colored lasers…which is infinitely cooler.
    Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..The "I’m Sorry" JarMy Profile

    Reply
  15. Michelle Longo

    You guys kill me!! We just went through picture day and my child screamed bloody murder that I was making him wear a button down and vest – for the picture only! Tshirt until the photo. Schools clearly have no concept that we might have other things to do besides get our kids ready for school. I have one who is only in pre-school. How you ladies have 7 between you and are this sane is beyond me.
    Michelle Longo recently posted..Pumpernickel.My Profile

    Reply
  16. Jennifer

    I loved this! And you guys have inspired me to dig out my old photos so my 6 year old can laugh at me. Poor guy – his fall pictures were a hot mess – it was like they ran their fingers through his hair to make it stick up as much as possible. Then he ends up looking like a supermodel in the spring photos. Needless to say, the fall photos are at the bottom of a suitcase (where I store junk) and the spring photos will be displayed once I get around to buying frames…nails…hammering them up…
    Jennifer recently posted..Anxiety at the AirportMy Profile

    Reply
  17. Delilah

    I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you. So with that said- hahahahahahahahaha! My school pictures were so bad y’all. So tragically bad. I look back and wonder what in the world my mother was thinking allowing me to get my hair permed and then cut short so I looked like I stuck my fingers in a light socket. Gah.

    I established a firm rule 6 years ago when Ty started Kindergarten. No school pictures. Our school does 3 individual portraits per year plus class pictures plus yearbooks plus end of grade pictures. Good gravy, I’d be broke and homeless if I bought all of them. We buy the yearbook and the class pictures. If it’s a special year (ie- Kindergarten or 5th grade) we buy the end of year graduation pictures. That is IT! I take enough humiliating pictures of them at home to use as blackmail material later on, I don’t need the school ones for that. Haha!
    Delilah recently posted..It’s a BABY BASH!My Profile

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Do you know how hard I’m getting this? My school does the same thing!!! And they get me double. I do the yearbook for my daughter’s elementary school. They don’t take the class picture until spring, AFTER the yearbook deadline. So for me to get class pictures into the yearbooks, I have to take them myself! Ellen

      Reply
  18. @poorlybee

    If I wore those goggles I reckon I would qualify for a grant. Brilliant. I went to an all boys school and once a year we would have the photo taken of everyone in our year. The camera went so slowly that you could stand at one end then run round the back and get on the other end, thus pretending you were a twin. If you managed it you were a legend.

    Reply
      1. @poorlybee

        No all I managed was a photograph of 179 students facing the front and me running away at one end, with nothing at the other. My parents were furious (but privately Dad said he was pleased I tried. He had attempted the same thing in the early 60s).
        @poorlybee recently posted..It’s an Oslopening!My Profile

        Reply
  19. Janice

    Hilarious! I dont remember my school pics being that important or stressful. Probably cuz I didnt care much about them. My parents never bought the packages. I was safe. Thank. God.
    Janice recently posted..FearlessMy Profile

    Reply
  20. deborah l quinn

    My mother said, of my senior high school picture, “you look like a nice Italian girl with a lot of makeup on.” Thanks mom. (There isn’t an Italian in my family tree anywhere) I look like Im wearing 85 pounds of blush because pictures were scheduled at the EXACT same time as track practice. So in the picture I am wearing a cowlneck picture and a lot of hair (it was 1982, people; I’m old), but what you can see is that I’m also wearing track shorts, tube socks, and running shoes. Nicely organized, school. The crackerjack photogs who shoot these thngs (and granted, that’s a job that ranks down there with pediatric dentristry) must really hate their work – my beautiful younger son – a seriously beautiful kid – consistently has looked like Sam Donaldson in every single picture. Something do to with the weird side-ways hairbrushing they do pre-picture.
    Your post made me laugh &laugh. thank you
    deborah l quinn recently posted..Monday Listicles: A booklist mashupMy Profile

    Reply
  21. Jackie

    What’s with this twice a year picture shit? Isn’t once a year enough?
    I do admit, the school I formerly worked had a small company come in and do pictures. I honestly do not think one kid had a bad picture. We were outside, on a sunny day with our school garden in the background.
    Jackie recently posted..A Little Baby TalkMy Profile

    Reply
  22. Kimberly S. (Sperk*)

    My daughter has one tardy on the record for this year. It was the morning of school pictures. I HAD to straighten her hair. Even the back. Luckily, her eye wear was intact. Same daughter just glanced at the computer screen and wondered why I’m in Ellen’s class photo–the girl left of the lucky sign holder. I’ll have to dig out my old class photo…the resemblance is weird.

    Reply
  23. Pingback: Step Away From The Confetti Cannon | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge