Picture This
It was as beautiful a spring morning as ever was. A ray of sun filtered through Erin’s kitchen window spotlighting the telephone handset resting on the table. The two friends were uncharacteristically quiet as they sipped their coffee and the cat curled up on Ellen’s lap.
The phone rings and time seems to slow down as Ellen grabs Erin’s hand. “Well, answer it. You know your voicemail is full and they won’t be able to leave a message,” Ellen says.
Erin punches the button and lifts it to her ear. Even so, Ellen can hear, “Congratulations, your loan has been approved.” The radiant smile on Erin’s face confirms what she overheard. Ellen leaps to her feet, unceremoniously tipping the cat to the floor, to give her friend a hug.
Ellen proclaims, “Halleluiah, the kids can their get school pictures taken!”
Erin- Well at least that is how it feels. I have FIVE kids. Five kids, people. And my father who adores school pictures. I take beautiful shots of my kids at the beach and the park. They are natural and expressive photographs and he likes them, but he LOVES the pictures taken by “professionals” in front of official backgrounds.
Ellen- You mean the lapis lazuli vomit swirl background? Really?
Erin- Something about the official-ness of it must speak to his judicially ordered heart. And we get the full package for him: the 8 x10 for the homestead stairwell and the 5 x7 for the courthouse office.
Ellen – Well, at least someone likes them. I swear I spend a fortune every year, and they just sit in my china cabinet undistributed because they just aren’t a good product. (And, honestly, I let some things slip through the cracks.) I just feel so guilty if I don’t purchase them for some reason, like I’m making some larger public statement about how much I love and value my kids.
Erin- I got your guilt. This, from Eddie’s preschool teacher, who nunned me up real good: “Just because he is the fifth child doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy the picture package.”
Ellen – Ouch!
Erin- Oh, it gets better. I caved and paid for the pictures. Then. . .
Sister Mary Tarnish-My-Tiara says, “Everyone had wonderful pictures! You are going to be so excited to see them.” Long pause. “Except for Eddie. We had to take his picture 35 times, and the entire class was late to library because of it.”
Ellen- Did you get the bonus didn’t-want-to-make-eye-contact-staring-awkwardly-and-silently-at-the-ground pantomime from the rest of the moms because you were being scolded? By a nun.
Erin- But the end result was just as I predicted: a sourpuss picture of a disgruntled preschooler. I can get that any day of the week just by telling him no. I don’t need it staring out of a frame at me.
Ellen - I know that look. He seems to get it when we mention blogging, too. Poor tortured 4 year old.
Erin – But the real subliminal message to the world that we might not have our shizz together comes when the third grader wears his sports goggles in the class picture. That’s right. My sons, the future Rhodes Scholars, decided to play war THE NIGHT BEFORE class pictures, and, as any parent with 15 minutes of experience could tell you, things got ugly. And fast.
Luckily, the only casualties were Deacon’s glasses and my patience.
Ellen- Luckily, really!?! That seems to be an understatement, Pollyanna.
Erin- Okay, we weren’t really lucky. Deacon’s eyes cross without his corrective eyewear, so a pic without glasses was never an option. I called the optometrist! But, denied! I can still hear them chuckling at the ridiculousness of my emergency request of making super special prescription glasses in 30 minutes. That’s right. I could hear THEM sharing the can-you-believe-what-this-crazy-mom-just-asked laugh—it was worthy of a group giggle.
My last resort without time or luck on our side were his sports goggles. His big, black, thick goggles complete with strap around the back. While I may cherish this picture and the fond, fond memories it brings, the other moms definitely looked askance at me afterward. And offered up fashion advice. Lots of it.
Erin models the goggles. Saying, "Not tonight honey," without saying a word.
Ellen – The pressure of the class picture can make you crack. And you just keep telling yourself that message is subliminal. Those bad boys shout out, “This family is really just a steaming ball of hot mess.” Those pictures can’t be hidden in the china closet. They are up for worldwide distribution.
Erin- No one is feeling you more than me right now, Sister.
Ellen- There is the whole what to wear thing EVEN when there is no vanity involved. I’m not talking prissy girls throwing tantrums because they don’t have a shirt to perfectly match the blue of their eyes. I’m talking school-wants-to-make-everything-a-pain-in-my tuckus -because-no-one can-crosscheck-a-calendar.
School Admins: Ruining Mornings Since Little House on the Prairie
Erin – I’m just gonna say it OUT LOUD: Jostens and Lifetouch are the cartels, but the schools are the Dr. Evil kingpins pulling the strings and making us dance.
Ellen – For real! For the spring round of pictures, Jellybean (11) got the form for the April 13th pictures on April 10th. After coming off of spring break, this did not jump to the top of my priority list.
Flash to the morning of pictures and Jellybean comes down dressed like a hobo ready to clean out the garage.
“Honey, today is picture day. Why are you wearing old sweat pants?”
Jellybean-“Because it is the fitness test today in gym.”
Seriously, I’m shelling out $30 for pictures (cheapest substantial package) and the school scheduled the fitness test on the same day?
“Honey, they are taking the CLASS picture today. We can’t have you distributed to multiple households looking like a refugee. Or like one of Erin’s offspring. What about that cute dress you wore on vacation?”
Jellybean- (possibly a little tearful from me calling her a refugee) “But we have to do push-ups, pull-ups, and sit-ups. I can’t wear a skirt!”
Ellen- “So what time is gym?”
Jellybean – “First period.”
Of course it is. (In elementary school, they don’t get to change for gym.)
Ellen- “So you’re telling me that no matter what you wear, you’ll be a hot mess anyway by the time pictures roll around?”
Oy.
Ellen- So tick tock goes the clock, we go upstairs and settle on a embellished tank with a sweater, jeans, and Converse. Whatever, I surrender. The kicker? The gym teacher was absent so the fitness test was cancelled. Winner? The school for messing up my morning for no reason except its own evil entertainment.
Erin – Seriously, we have 7 kids between us so the complaints reminiscing could go on forever. Let’s not forget that school pictures cornered you into highlighting Coco’s hair. But you do have to love the comedy in school pictures, too.
Check out Captain America, known in his school picture days simply as Chris Evans on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.
Ellen – Okay, WOW! I’m not the biggest fan of watching videos on blogs that are over 40 seconds long, but that is some good stuff right there: a rebellious laser beam background, a beaded necklace, and a bowl cut. And if Captain America overcame THAT, I’m impressed.
Erin – Oh wait a minute. WHAT ABOUT WHAT WE OVERCAME!
Ellen – Are we really doing this?
Erin – I modeled the sports goggles. My pride is not an issue for this post.
Erin
Ellen – One of the first things Erin said when she handed me this picture? “Can you believe they didn’t even straighten my necklace?” Yes, that was exactly the first thing I was incredulous about.
Erin – Whatever. Your turn.
Ellen – I’m actually proud about how far I have come.
Erin – You should be.
Ellen's 7th Grade Picture. Believe me, the resolution is good enough.
Ellen – So clearly Erin is classier than me. I chose the group picture because I was not going down alone. We will close with Josten’s Mission Statement because, really, I would like for the whole blogosphere to tell them to suck it.
Jostens’ Mission Statement
Supporting your mission is our mission.
We take great care in passionately helping people:
Express themselves
Celebrate experiences and traditions
Recognize achievements
Share their stories
Erin – Just one more thing I would like to add: Creating images that will cause your offspring to roll on the floor laughing at you with glee in their eyes. Have at them, Blogosphere!
As Erica M, the curator of Yeah Write Me, has said before, her site is like the water cooler of the blogosphere. It’s where solid writers go to hang out and share their stories. Click on the badge to come and visit the gang. Or if you are in time, you can link up your own story.
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski
I’m with Steve – I LOVE the school picture! I love it so much that as a homeschooling mom I drag my kid to Walmart and purposely choose a background that reminds me of the school picture. Now in full disclosure – I make the photographer take a ton until I’m satisfied and then can crop to my content and I’m only spending $7.99 on a gazillion pics. However, no matter what, it still has that look of a mutant school pic (something with the studio light, the “professional” photographer, and the background.) And I LOVE it. I love the dorkiness of kids and watching them through their school pics turn into beautiful swans – inside and out. With digital camera these days we only keep the great pics and delete all the rest. On FB we only post the good pics but the school picture is the one place left where we are forced to buy bad pics of our adorable dorky kids and in a way it shows the true essence of that stage (aka – Deacans’ pic without glasses, Eddie’s intolerance of camera’s, and Ellen’s pics – where we truly understand why she shouldn’t have short hair).
And what fun is it to only bring out gorgeous pics of yourself from childhood. I say let the school pic reign and show them off with pride!!
Best comment ever, Mary! I will embrace the school pictures that are spilling out of my china cabinet now! I do throw my middle school pics around like a badge of honor. Ellen
Oh i hear you!!!!! I am a photographer and I pay $20 twice a year for a 4×6 times two for my kids grumpy preK swirly background photos. Finally this autum she said she will do a class picture and I though all right, that is something I can’t do and a memory he will keep forever. But she just made a collage of all the kids individual photos…
Have I told you Thant I have over 10000 photos of my son? Yeah.
And that gym before photo. That is the most absurd thing I read this month. Including that mad Alicia Silverstone thing you girls all listed on Monday.
Stasha recently posted..Inside Big M’s head
Thank you Stasha for your support on the gym/picture scheduling thing! Because why do we really blog, but to get affirmation that we are justified in getting peeved by the ridiculous things in our lives?
You’re a true sister!
So, could you possibly volunteer to take class pictures?? Your work is beautiful! And glad to hear that your son is well on his way to reaching the 1 million photo mark by the time he graduates. Ellen
That picture of Erin is so familiar. I think we had the same haircut.
We usually go in for the school pic, but the kids always almost always look seriously, well, special. And yet, the grandparents still love to frame those hideous shots.
This made me snort: “Eddie’s preschool teacher, who nunned me up real good”
You two make me laugh! Do you record your conversations & then transcribe them?
Jennifer recently posted..Adventures with Cancer Part 1
Oh, you flatter us. To think what comes out of our mouths could be transcribed and be discernible to anyone is laughable and would be three times longer than what we actually write…I Know Right! Usually a conversation between us yields about 3 blog subjects: Tangents R’Us. At one point we weren’t even sure if we were going to be able recreate what we have in person on paper (or rather computer screen). I think it is working out and we are having a good time.
BTW: Thank you for the props for “nunned me up real good.” Erin coined it, but she wanted to edit it out. I went to the mat for that phrase because it made me snort too. Thanks for having my editing back.
Ellen
My fifth grade picture makes me want to vomit. In fact, most of my school pictures do. Now that I teach and help with the school yearbook, the dorky pics swirl around me for the better part of 180 days. I feel so sorry for parents when they open certain school pic envelopes. GAWD!
Jennifer Worrell recently posted..PETA Called–They Want Their Gerbil Back
Hello, yearbook sister! I do the yearbook at my daughter’s elementary school. I think this was my five year, but ala,s it was my last year since Jellybean is moving onto Middle School.
I just turned it in on the deadline last week. Maybe that is why a school picture topic was bursting to get out of my brain. Hmmmm… Ellen
My worst school picture was third grade, I cut my bangs off about 2 months before picture day. But I still love my kids pictures that come from school. Great blog, You in the goggles made me lol.
My poor beautiful daughter is NOT photogenic and begs us to buy her school pictures anyway. That’s just throwing away good money if you ask me. Thanks for sharing your bad grade school pics!
just keep swimming recently posted..Whispering Chocolate and Joke Telescopes
We are not vain enough to know better! Glad you liked it! Erin
I think Erin’s pic is pretty adorable. I will have to upload my 6th grade pic. What a nightmare! If I can find it . . . (might have been burned).
Ellen, girl, that’s a lot of hair. But, really, isn’t that the kind of thing we are thankful for once we tame it?
I hate school pics. Now pics I just buy the class pics for the kids to have and order the photo cd. I order prints at Walgreens as needed. Suck it Jostens.
Ninja Mom recently posted..My mother’s apron: It’s not what you think it is.
I just laughed at your last line. We feel the same way. And thanks for seeing the cute in the obvious hot mess. ; ) Erin
1983- I am 14 years old and angry that I can’t grow long hair. Damn Jewfro won’t do it, but I try anyway. Mom begs me to get it cut, tells me that 9th grade pictures will follow me.
I ignore her. Dammit, that woman was right. I still get crap about it from my friends. Those bastards.
Jack@TheJackB recently posted..Why Your Post Sucks and Everyone Hates Your Blog
Oh the laser beams! Such unflattering light for everyone. I got suckered in for my eldest pre-school picture and I’ll admit – it’s pretty darn adorable…but he’s a bit of a ham.
As for Ellen’s 7th grade picture…well. Thank you for sharing that. Other than that…there really are no other words for that one…except maybe…HOLY HAIR BATMAN!
January recently posted..Huggles and Ham Sandwiches
Ha!! I think you just invented a new superhero or power or both!! Erin
The hair was a diversionary tactic. It kept the focus off of my teeth, glasses, and bad clothes. And I see it still works.
Ellen
We take these kind of pics too mainly for the grandmas. Which makes me wonder if we are all going to pivot and suddenly like hokey studio portraits when we have grandkids. Do we age into this behavior?
And speaking of schools’ poor scheduling: One year we had all of HS yearbook candids taken during spirit week’s “clash day.” This was a day which most of the student body showed up in paisley shirts and striped pants and the like. (This was the very early 90s, so it got pretty ugly.) So we are immortalized in the yearbook looking like a bunch of visually challenged kids who insist on dressing themselves. And we shelled out an ungodly $50 for the book.
Kim@Mamamzungu recently posted..Caleb cracks me up. The end.
I would love, love, love to see a copy of that yearbook. And $50 was a lot for back then! Ellen
At the time, they’re awful, but it is SO fun to look back on them and remember picking out that special smurf necklace to wear. (I swear that was only Kindergarten.) My sons go to a Montessori school and one of the moms is a professional photographer. She did all their photos outside and let us choose between 4 proofs. It was much more like a modern family photo shoot and I love the way they turned out, but there is something special about those traditional school photos, for sure.
Stacey recently posted..Letter to My Son
I know what you mean. My best friend growing up wore a Jaws shirt in her 3rd grade picture. It is legendary. Ellen
oh how often i tried to be sick on school picture day…
christina recently posted..Sunshine
I was dying at this “lapis lazuli vomit swirl background”. That is the most perfect description of those backgrounds ever! I totally get what you’re saying about the guilt of not ordering them, so I do. And then they sit in our ‘homework box’ for ages.
What an awesome post, you guys. And your pictures? Are just precious. I have a serious case of the bowl cut in many, many school photos.
heidi recently posted..lost and found
You must be my sister-once-removed. What was up with the Dorothy Hamill haircuts from hell?? Glad you thought we were cute. Not feeling that, but I will choose to believe you, Erin
Ok, so I would ask – what do the schools get out of these photos? Do they get a kickback from Jostens? Why do they guilt you into buying the package? Loved the “nunned me up” and “Sister-mary-tarnish-my-tiara” ! I grew up with nuns. I know you think more highly of them than I do, and I’m sure they’ve mellowed since my experience. But nice to see that humor – because that was hilarious! Funny post, as always!
stephanie recently posted..Amish on Parade
I do love the sisters who run our school, but funny is funny! Glad you liked it! Erin
Early in my bloghood, I wrote a SERIES of posts about how much I hate Lifetouch, because my disdain couldn’t be contained in a single post. I remember when I was a kid we exchanged photos with our friends, so it made sense to get the 800 wallet-size package (even though I only had 4 friends). My kids don’t do that, so I never ordered pictures – until THIS year, when they announced you can’t get a yearbook without getting a picture package. Probably the only way they can sell their dumb pictures anymore. Ohhhh, I hate them so.
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Mom’s In Her Non-Mom-Jean Jeans
My kids don’t do the exchanges either! Why don’t they do the exchanges anymore!?!
We use to wipe the corners with spit and use a ballpoint pen to “engrave” our names on them. Or maybe my school was just classy? Ellen
I’m in love with this post. You’ve released mountains of guilt from me for not ordering every picture that comes home in my little girls backpack. Spring pics, fall pics, basketball pics, “hey, its Thursday” pics. Thank you so much.
Those “hey, it’s Thursday” pics are hard to resist!! Ha! Erin
‘Saying “Not tonight honey,” without saying a word.’ HAHA. Great post!
kristin @mondayswithmac recently posted..20 Years Later
I have so many bad school photos BURNED into my brain, it’s no wonder I still hate getting my picture taken. Great post!
Donna B. McNicol [@donnabmcnicol] recently posted..Urgent – A to Z Blog Hop
Hahhaha. I think school pictures are totally overrated. But yes, as a parent you absolutely have to get them. It’s tough.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Sometimes, I Get the Feeling Boyfriend Doesn’t Want Me to Go to the Hardware Store with Him aka the “Helping” Post.
We should totally move in together!!! Picture day is Friday! I am totally scared of my memory chest. If they bonus girls find my old school pics………..
These are what memories are made of for sure. My fourth grade picture, I had a long stray piece of bang my mother forgot to cut right in front of my face. How did they miss that? Seriously? It’s because they were all caught up in handing out their combs!
Mel at According to Mags recently posted..MORE MAC AND CHEESE, PLEASE!
I can’t believe we forgot to talk about the combs!! Darn it! Erin
HAHAHA! Oh, my gosh, I have tears in my eyes after reading this. You ladies crack me up. Seriously, if the post wasn’t funny enough, your captions were hilarious. Especially the captions for the sports goggles picture and Ellen’s class pictures. I can’t stop giggling. This may need to be read aloud to the hubby…which is really the best compliment I can pay a blog post.
And I loved the Jimmy Fallon video, too! I had that laser background in one of my school photos, but mine was multi-colored lasers…which is infinitely cooler.
Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..The "I’m Sorry" Jar
You guys kill me!! We just went through picture day and my child screamed bloody murder that I was making him wear a button down and vest – for the picture only! Tshirt until the photo. Schools clearly have no concept that we might have other things to do besides get our kids ready for school. I have one who is only in pre-school. How you ladies have 7 between you and are this sane is beyond me.
Michelle Longo recently posted..Pumpernickel.
And what I meant to say is that the pics in this post were priceless!!
Michelle Longo recently posted..Pumpernickel.
You definitely have our sympathy and thank YOU for the love! Ellen
I would kill for some vomit swirls – I wasn’t paying attention this year when I picked out the photos so I got some odd “hearts and flower” background. Luckily my kids thought it was on purpose.
And don’t even get me started on *my* childhood school pictures!
anna recently posted..If You’re Fighting in the Mommy Wars: You’ve Already Won
I loved this! And you guys have inspired me to dig out my old photos so my 6 year old can laugh at me. Poor guy – his fall pictures were a hot mess – it was like they ran their fingers through his hair to make it stick up as much as possible. Then he ends up looking like a supermodel in the spring photos. Needless to say, the fall photos are at the bottom of a suitcase (where I store junk) and the spring photos will be displayed once I get around to buying frames…nails…hammering them up…
Jennifer recently posted..Anxiety at the Airport
I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you. So with that said- hahahahahahahahaha! My school pictures were so bad y’all. So tragically bad. I look back and wonder what in the world my mother was thinking allowing me to get my hair permed and then cut short so I looked like I stuck my fingers in a light socket. Gah.
I established a firm rule 6 years ago when Ty started Kindergarten. No school pictures. Our school does 3 individual portraits per year plus class pictures plus yearbooks plus end of grade pictures. Good gravy, I’d be broke and homeless if I bought all of them. We buy the yearbook and the class pictures. If it’s a special year (ie- Kindergarten or 5th grade) we buy the end of year graduation pictures. That is IT! I take enough humiliating pictures of them at home to use as blackmail material later on, I don’t need the school ones for that. Haha!
Delilah recently posted..It’s a BABY BASH!
oh, these picture day. get this – at my son’s school, now they have a SPRING picture day too. As if one were not enough!!
tara pohlkotte recently posted..Sisters of the Rising Moon
Do you know how hard I’m getting this? My school does the same thing!!! And they get me double. I do the yearbook for my daughter’s elementary school. They don’t take the class picture until spring, AFTER the yearbook deadline. So for me to get class pictures into the yearbooks, I have to take them myself! Ellen
The Little Dude doesn’t go to school yet, but I assumed that the pictures would be better these days because of digital cameras. Do kids still get stuck with crappy pics, or just kids who won’t smile?
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Two-Line Tuesday: King of the Slide
Beyond all logic, the pictures can still turn out badly. I think the key to this mystery is the air quotes around the word’ photographer.’ Ellen
If I wore those goggles I reckon I would qualify for a grant. Brilliant. I went to an all boys school and once a year we would have the photo taken of everyone in our year. The camera went so slowly that you could stand at one end then run round the back and get on the other end, thus pretending you were a twin. If you managed it you were a legend.
OMG, that’s hilarious!! Soooo, did you manage it? Shall we call you The Legend??? Erin
No all I managed was a photograph of 179 students facing the front and me running away at one end, with nothing at the other. My parents were furious (but privately Dad said he was pleased I tried. He had attempted the same thing in the early 60s).
@poorlybee recently posted..It’s an Oslopening!
Good for you!! Ha! Erin
Oh, I love school pictures. They capture our innocence and youth and they bring back sweet memories
jamieywrites recently posted..Two To Tango
Haha!! Why, oh WHY, must school pictures be so dang expensive?? The goggles, oh yes….they suit you, my dear. Snort!
Greta recently posted..I’m Not A Hairstylist, But I Play One On TV.
Hilarious! I dont remember my school pics being that important or stressful. Probably cuz I didnt care much about them. My parents never bought the packages. I was safe. Thank. God.
Janice recently posted..Fearless
My mother said, of my senior high school picture, “you look like a nice Italian girl with a lot of makeup on.” Thanks mom. (There isn’t an Italian in my family tree anywhere) I look like Im wearing 85 pounds of blush because pictures were scheduled at the EXACT same time as track practice. So in the picture I am wearing a cowlneck picture and a lot of hair (it was 1982, people; I’m old), but what you can see is that I’m also wearing track shorts, tube socks, and running shoes. Nicely organized, school. The crackerjack photogs who shoot these thngs (and granted, that’s a job that ranks down there with pediatric dentristry) must really hate their work – my beautiful younger son – a seriously beautiful kid – consistently has looked like Sam Donaldson in every single picture. Something do to with the weird side-ways hairbrushing they do pre-picture.
Your post made me laugh &laugh. thank you
deborah l quinn recently posted..Monday Listicles: A booklist mashup
that’s hilarious….
Kimberly S. (Sperk*) recently posted..Scrumplet
What’s with this twice a year picture shit? Isn’t once a year enough?
I do admit, the school I formerly worked had a small company come in and do pictures. I honestly do not think one kid had a bad picture. We were outside, on a sunny day with our school garden in the background.
Jackie recently posted..A Little Baby Talk
My daughter has one tardy on the record for this year. It was the morning of school pictures. I HAD to straighten her hair. Even the back. Luckily, her eye wear was intact. Same daughter just glanced at the computer screen and wondered why I’m in Ellen’s class photo–the girl left of the lucky sign holder. I’ll have to dig out my old class photo…the resemblance is weird.
We are gonna need to see that photo. Erin
Oh. My. Goodness! I am dying. You know I scrolled up! Ellen
Ah, school photos.
idiosyncratic eye recently posted..Freaky Beasts