Ellen– I might be climbing on a soapbox, but not every female maturation milestone is a Hallmark-confetti-cannon-scrapbooking-buy-a-charm-for-the-bracelet moment. Some things can just unfold and happen.
Erin– First words, first steps, first birthdays–celebrate away.
Ellen– First bra, first heels, first bottle of foundation—why make a big deal about it?
Erin – Trips to the American Girl Store, those over-the-top birthday parties, even the elaborate preschool graduation ceremonies have upped the ante for us all. We get it! You’re so used to celebrating, commemorating, and shutterflying it all for posterity that you are a little unclear as to what exactly you SHOULD be celebrating.
And all this fascination with “My baby is growing up!” milestones has led to a parenting landmine: arbitrarily deciding WHEN they should occur.
Ellen– Let’s start with make-up. I realize that the acceptable age to start wearing make-up elicits a permanent eyeliner drawn in the sand response from a lot of mothers, but why?
Erin– Random hard and fast rules do exactly one thing really well: Establish the battle lines. Other than that, they are completely useless as guiding principles. When confrontation or acquiescence are the only choices, nothing is assured but a bloody battle ahead.
They Will Never Take Our Eyeliner!
Ellen– Now, we all MAY be able to agree that 9 is too young to be be-dazzled.
Erin– But we are here to tell you that the water gets really murky after that. And don’t be delusional enough to think you can control the tide. Ever consider your daughter can go into the bathroom upon arrival at school, put on the make-up and wash it off before she comes home?
Ellen– Yes, even YOUR angel is capable of that.
Erin– Wanting to feel comfortable with yourself is a powerful thing. Is this really the battle you want to wage? Do you want to set up a scenario for dishonesty?
Ellen– As with all arguments, it’s about defining terms. When my daughter began wearing make-up in 6th grade, we were talking about mascara and lip gloss—not full-on-pole-dancing-kohl-rimmed-eye-with-glitter-thrown-in-for-good-measure.
When I noticed Coco’s interest and saw where the rest of the girls in her class were, I just bought her the mascara and lipstick from Walgreens. I presented it to her one day and asked if this was something that she was interested in.
We had a mother-daughter moment without fanfare. By giving her those things, I acknowledged I was paying attention to what was going on in her life. No girls’ weekend to the flagship MAC store in NYC was needed.
She progressed to smudgy brown eyeliner and subtle shadows from there, but I have always monitored their use and stepped in with guidance as needed. Liquid black eyeliner gets calmly replaced on the shelf without drama because shopping for cosmetics hasn’t been set up to be a big deal.
Erin– I can feel hackles raising. I felt the same way. I did not wear make-up until after the birth of my second child, so it was not my thing. At. All.
But then my pale-lashed, redheaded Biddie confided to me in one of our mother-daughter pillow talks that she felt self-conscious about having HER school picture taken:“Nobody can see my lashes, Mom, it makes me feel weird.”
Now, we have had the talks about inner beauty, looks not being important, etc. but I remember middle school perhaps a little too keenly. One tube of medium-brown mascara gave my girl one less thing to worry about.
Ellen– Okay, so if you are not judging us yet, let’s see if I can push you to the edge.
Erin– Wait for it…
Ellen– My 13 year old daughter has her hair highlighted.
Erin– Stop! Don’t leave this post to go Google ‘Toddler and Tiaras.’ Ellen and Coco were not contestants.
Ellen– If you had asked me when Coco was 8 what I thought about tweens getting their hair colored, there would have been a lot of sputtering about skin-deep beauty, oppression of women, and maybe even a “Hellz No!”
Erin– Ah, but arbitrary pre-judgment will bite you every time.
Ellen– My Coco was born in July and she is a full-on summer girl. Come 80 degree weather and she transforms – golden tan through her layers of SPF 50, light brown hair streaked with blonde.
This was just a natural cycle for her until she began competitive swimming when she was 9. Natural blonding plus hours submersed in the swamp of public pool chemicals led to VERY BLONDE.
Erin– Come October, this led to trashy Jerry-Springer-worthy roots.
Ellen– So I would take her to my salon to get it “fixed” back to her winter color. Until this year when she said, “My blonde hair feels more me. I don’t want it to go away.”
Ugh, really? I needed to think about that. Well, while I was thinking about it and formulating my eloquent speech about her inner beauty shining brighter than any blonde beacon on her head (see, the speech still needs work), picture day arrived. When I say arrived, I mean Coco remembered to give me the form at 7:30 pm—the night before. Bam. That is how Coco rolls.
Erin – I’m seeing a trend here. Maybe the real problem is picture day.
Ellen – Her roots were bad, people, BAD! I can’t stand roots. Makes me feel creepy, especially for my adolescent because it made her look like I condoned her coloring her hair AND we didn’t keep up with it. Double judgement! And I definitely wasn’t putting out the cost of a tank of gas for pictures with roots.
Erin– This is where I get to say “HELLZ NO!” School pictures are expensive!
Ellen– So I played my own little inner game of Worst Case Scenario School Pictures Edition: Trashy Roots vs. Drugstore Hair Color. L’Oreal won. To sum it up: the roots were fixed, my daughter was impressed, the pictures were classy, and Coco was riding on the hair coloring highway.
Erin– Lest you all still feel like judging Ellen, or Coco for that matter, I go camping and outdoor adventuring with them twice a summer. Coco doesn’t bring make-up or a hair dryer with us. She is a trooper, and her make-up-wearing, highlighting ways haven’t seemed to curb her flair for the hanging-out-in-the-woods variety of fun. She hikes, bikes and kayaks without an ounce of vanity.
Ellen– See? Hair color does not define a woman. No need to draw a line. Besides, it’s easier to see the ticks in her blonde locks. Hey, that might be my new explanation for the highlighting: preventive medicine.
Erin– Nice spin.
Ellen– But seriously, I made the choice that supported my daughter and made her feel relaxed and content in her own skin. I listened to her.
Erin– And the Sisterhood learned to never say never. Not everything deserves a battle. Not everything deserves a party. Sometimes you can just let things happen.
Ellen– So, I’m begging you to just follow your daughter’s lead and consider what makes her comfortable. This even goes for leg shaving. There is no magic age for wielding a razor, just consider what is right for your daughter, not what makes you feel like you still have a little girl.
And for the love of little boobies, please just bring the first bras home, let her try them on, return what doesn’t fit and move on from there. Once you get past the first bra stage, your girl will feel fine with shopping for bras.
Erin– And you know why? Because you didn’t make her feel all “My girl is becoming a WOOOMMAAN!”
Ellen– But for all of you saying, “Sisterhood, you just don’t know how to celebrate this womanhood stuff, we’re not listening to you on this one,” we’re going to make one final plea. Just please don’t throw a party for her first period.
Erin– Just because there is a company that makes menarche tableware and “Pin the Ovary on the Uterus” games does NOT make it a good idea. If you’re putting tampons in a favor bag, it’s time to take a step back.
Ellen– We are not making this up. Menarche Parties R’Us is for real. Yes, you read the name correctly.
Erin– So if you’re in our camp, you’ll be peeing your pants laughing over this.
Ellen– And if you disagree with us, you’ve got yourself a supplier for throwing one humdinger of a “Girlhood to Womanhood” party.
Erin – The only winner? Mortification.
Ellen– Cue the confetti!
Oh, you ladies are a hoot. I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to have those hard and fast lines drawn. Knowing our kids helps gauge how we should be. Glad the hair dye saved the picture day. You weren’t going for trailer baby, I know. 🙂
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Yes, the school pictures that I never seem to remember to distribute turned out beautifully. 🙂 I have hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of school pictures tucked in the china cabinet waiting for the next great photo recession. I’ll be prepared! Ellen
menarche parties!!!! BAHAHAHAH!
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With games. And party favors. Ellen
You mean my first tampon should be removed from my baby book? Damn. It has aged so well!
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I might have just thrown up a little in my mouth. But THAT would be confetti cannon worthy! Ellen
I, too, suffer from sun highlighted summer blonde gone bad come winter. Kudos to you for the highlights, mom!
Thank you, Kyla! I’m going to try to stick to the salon, though. 🙂 Ellen
I read this because I have 3 daughters, one is 16,.
I’m just shaking my head, in agreement and in disbelief.
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We must band together in the trenches. Glad it sounded true to you too, Erin
I couldn’t agree more about letting things roll as they come, without pre-planning every move, coming up with arbitrary inflexible rules, OR throwing a party for every boob measurement or (gaaaaagggggg) first period. Great post!
However, I still have no idea how to apply makeup (unless Chapstick counts) and the salon I go to for hair cuts (once a year) charges $12 for a trim. So I guess what I’m saying is, PLEASE teach me how to be a girl!!!! (Don’t worry, I do have the period thing down, at least.)
Oh, Robyn, you are going to need Ellen for that—I am girl-lite, a total tomboy until about 25 years old. But glad you liked it! Erin
I adore this post and agree that having a predetermined age selected for the appropriate time for firsts is unrealistic and possibly the easy way out. When we say, “not until you’re 13,” we can go skipping about denying the changes our daughters are experiencing in blissful ignorance. Yes it’s terrifying to see them grow and waiting it out can seem comfortable, but parenting isn’t designed for comfort.
Sophia started shaving her legs in 6th grade because she adorned what she called “a layer of black fur” and it made her feel self-conscious. Her sister is now in 6th and could care less so that’s one less pack of $20 blades I have to pick up…make-up, though, I struggle with. I allow medicated cover-up for zits and that’s it. You are aware of my plight against the oversexualization of women and I am applying my lashes as I type. Conundrum? Paradox. Hypocrisy? Yes. Great post.
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Thanks, Sperk. I like that you said that having set “first”s could be the easy out. Erin
HA!! From this line “I might be climbing on a soapbox, but not every maturation milestone is a Hallmark-confetti-cannon-scrapbooking-buy-a-charm-for-the-bracelet moment. Some things can just unfold and happen.” to the Braveheart reference you had me rolling!! Wow, I feel a little more cheery suddenly, thank you for the laugh!!
My mom let me get highlights at 12 and she was VERY overprotective so it’s cool 🙂
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Making you cheery is a great compliment—thanks! Erin
Thank you for this! It was really hilarious. I have a 7 yo girl and I can just see what is coming my way. Thanks also to Erin who stopped by my blog and commented on my boy’s new archery set. I really love your sensibility.
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You are welcome. I think our blogs can “play” together happily. Look forward to reading more, Erin
I just want to say – I have sons. Let the confetti remain canned 🙂
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I too like the spin on the highlights. HAHAHAHAHA! Awesome post. You two are a hoot.
Mel at According to Mags recently posted..THE TRUTH BEHIND CRAMPS
I’m with Alison. No confetti round here. Well, ok, there might have been some when he pooped in the potty this morning.
An really? A “celebration of womanhood” party? And they had to make the favors RED? Geeeez.
Bringing bras home for your daughter to try on is the best advice ever! Maybe I can transition that to jock straps? Is that embarrassing for boys? I don’t even know! Great post, as always, ladies!
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Ticks are totally easier to spot with blonde hair. Why else do I have it? To enhance my appearance? Hell no. To spot ticks.
You girls are great. Love this.
You guys are so funny. I only have a little boy, so I won’t have to deal with this. Thankfully. Raising girls sounds scary. How did my parents do it? Sounds like you guys are both doing a great job.
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I knew there was a reason I never had kids. As I have rarely worn makeup at any time in my life I wouldn’t have a friggin clue what to do if I had a daughter chomping at the bit to get her hands on it. I have a niece who is now 21 but she has been wearing makeup since she was in 6th or 7th grade. I have to admit at the time I was slightly appalled at her mother, though I kept that to myself. No harm has come to her and she is a down to earth hard working young lady. I also have a 10 yr old niece who is not at all a girly girl so we will see in what direction she heads. Great post. I love to ponder these weighty issues. And I am not being facetious. The self esteem of our young girls is worth pondering.
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Ha! I don’t blame ya for highlighting her hair. Being that age is rough – if doing something relatively harmless makes you feel a bit better…
Menarche parties are so weird, I can’t take it.
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A period party? Talk about scarring your child for life.
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I was not allowed to wear makeup until I could pluck my eyebrows or elect to have them waxed. i still love this and will definitely use it for my girls. I was always allowed to ‘play’ with my hair with drugstore highlights… my Mom was a cosmetologist in her former life and knew that hair would grow.
You keep following your gut, no judges here!
Jamie recently posted..my first night
I definitely think that “letting things happen” is the way to go. That’s how my mom treated me and my sister about these things, and because of her not making a huge deal out of things like makeup and hair coloring and tanning, they just weren’t a huge deal to us period. We didn’t have her hard and fast rules to rebel against, so we didn’t. Worked out pretty well.
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WOW! You girls sure know how to have fun! 😉
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I have to admit that I have googled confetti cannons. There are those (rare) occasions where you just want to use one. Like at the END of swim season. 🙂 Ellen
Before meeting my wonderful friend and hair stylist, I did my own hair. I created some interesting colors. My hair was turning gray and gray has its own way of accepting color. Then deciding to become a blonde after years of being brunette was a bit of a Fail but I kept for a while. Loved reading this.
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I can’t relate since I don’t have a daughter, but I am a daughter. It never, ever occurred to me what my mother was thinking about my make up and hair coloring. Mascara, eyeliner and lipgloss (pretty slutty, I might add) at 13, hair color at 14.
Agree with you on the not everything needs a celebration, but I do intend to full on sob after my kid’s pre-k graduation. I’ve only gotten misty to this point 😉
Since you’re both sensible, I can’t imagine any of your children would be anything less than respectable.
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I am in shock that there is a market for those type of party supplies. Really? A party? Does throwing a party not equal instant and lifelong mortification?!
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It is disturbing and I definitely upped my mom cred when I showed it to my daughter. “See, I’m not so bad. I could be THIS mom.” Ellen
i have less than fond memories of middle school and blond eyebrows and eyelashes – if i ever have a girl, there will be cosmetics. oh yes. and i’m embarrassed to say it, but until we cut dane’s hair, we’re using product to keep it in place on special occasions. god gave us aveda for a REASON.
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Hair product rules for all of the sexes. 😉 Ellen
We haven’t gotten to the menarche yet….a party, dear something or other. But she does hound me relentlessly to buy padded bras, highlight her hair, and double or more pierce her ears. It’s crazy these days. Funny post — but makes me a bit terrified too.
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As mama to two boys this is all foreign to me, but I enjoyed it tremendously — thanks for showing me what I’m missing!
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Oh man, you had me rolling with this one ladies. My 7 year old is already asking to wear lipstick. Shoot me dead now. My mom was super strict and I had to sneak make up to school in my bookbag and apply it in a dimply lit bathroom. To this day I feel urge to put on blush and eyeshadow when I enter a public restroom.
Delilah recently posted..I’d Call Her Van Gogh but She Has 2 Ears
oh, I love this. yes. let them lead on matters that are not critical for a parent’s lead. and talk, talk, talk. don’t just say “no” but talk about no, or yes. great job, mamas. you’re great.
tara pohlkotte recently posted..Dreams Born Under a Patchwork Sky
my daughters are 8 and 6 – so i am on my way to all of this, just not quite yet.
in the meantime, their little brother seems the most interested in mommy’s make-up, but that’s a story for another day…
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Ha! Made me giggle. Ellen
“lines in the sand, and bottom line proclamations. They do exactly one thing really well: Establish the battle lines.” Sums it up perfectly! Your approach seems exceedingly reasonable to me but it’s clear you’re bracing yourself for judgment. Makes me glad I have boys!
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haha, I love your conversations! I don’t wear makeup, so if we ever have kids, especially a daughter, this will be an interesting road for me!
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Awesome post! I’m going through the same issues with the bonus child. I’m praying that she has her first period when she’s at her mom’s house. I had to do the birds and the bees. She can help with tampons or pads!
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May the menarche goddesses be on your side. Ellen
LOL. Loving the duel dialogue here on your blog. I don’t have any children, so it’s hard for me to even begin to know when it’s ok for girls to start wearing makeup. I worry, though, that because I’ve waited for a kid for so long, that if I’m ever blessed with one, I’ll be one of those scrap-booking, picture-taking, confetti cannon Moms.
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What does a Welcome to Womanhood party put in the goody bags? The obvious tampon sampler, or is it more subtle, like the Midol brownie batch?
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Now I want a Midol brownie. That is genius. You should market it to Menarche R’Us! Ellen
This whole post made me laugh out loud, until I got to the Period Party Supplies and then I was like, ok, this just got too real.
My oldest is 2 1/2 and she watched me put on make-up and then wants, “Pretty eyes” so I pretend to put mascara on her and then tell her she has pretty eyes, but “you had pretty eyes before, too.” I don’t know how much it helps. I wore make-up from 4th grade on and started dyeing my hair in 6th grade. It didn’t make me more vain; I was vain before I started.
I love your posts!
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menarche parties – isn’t that like an ancient custom wherein the newly “woman” girl is marched aroudn the village,smeared with mud, and maybe has to go live in a separate hut for a while? Or, conversely, it is announced to the village that now she’s ready to be married? yikes.
I was a “good girl” (for a while) and yes, walked make-up free into my middle school…directly to the bathroom where I smeared some sort of goldy-greeny stuff on my eyelids and “kissing potion” on (read: gooey lip-gloss in dreadful flavors)… I doubt my mom was fooled, but as a non-make-up-wearing mom, she had a hard time hearing what I wanted…she could’ve used this post, way back in the day! And now? I am the mother of sons and my idea of getting gussied up is putting on mascara. And maybe some tinted burt’s bees lipbalm. woowoo!
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Yikes is right. The Menarche Party is not why we wrote the piece, but sweet serendipity presented it to as as we were writing it and we knew it had to be included. I think Menarche R’Us should sell a confetti/tampon cannon. I mean, why not? Ellen
While I am a party planning whore and I have two daughters, I do think I can refrain from this celebration.
Great post!
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Whew! That saves us from sending intervention. Ellen
I know I am replying to this a year after it was written, but I just found it from your “We hate baby shower games” post. BTW – I agree that baby shower games are just awful. I have to share my SIL’s story about the period party she hosted two weeks ago. My niece is 13. My SIL covered most all of the period details when they watched ‘the movie’ at school a couple years ago.
However, my niece has a friend through her dance/cheer competition group. The friend’s mom begged my SIL to do the period talk as a group with her daughter. Apparently the mom was too uncomfortable to broach the subject all alone. Her mom had never talked with her about it, yada yada yada. The first time my SIL told me about the request, I was left speechless. REALLY? was what I kept thinking.
My SIL is a lot of fun and a good friend, so she hosted the period party: four moms, four daughters and lots of tampon talk. She actually found a way to make it honest, open, fun, funny and not uncomfortable. I had to share this story with you after I read your post. You ladies are wonderful and always lighten my day! Thanks!
We love to hear great mom moment stories. Thanks for reading and sharing! Erin and Ellen