Ten Celebrity Parents That Make Us Mortal Moms Look Like The Real Rock Stars

For this Monday Listicle over at Sasha’s blog, The Good Life, the topic is 10 Reasons Celebrities Are Just Like Us…or not.

Ellen- I think we are going to go with the “or not.”

Erin- Nannies, drivers, massage therapists on-call, chefs, and shoppers, oh my!

Ellen- I’m going to stop her there, because she is turning a wee bit green. And by wee bit, I mean that you might mistake her for a leprechaun right now. But I am happy that celebs aren’t like me. It makes me feel scads better about myself. You heard me!

Erin- Don’t go throwing Cameron Diaz’s perfect body in her face. NOT a very Sisterhood thing to do.

Ellen- Grocery shopping mommas know what I’m talking about.

Erin-While waiting to spend a fortune on groceries, what’s a girl to do except flip through the tabloids?

Ellen-Remember that both of my kids are in school, so the defend-the-candy-from-the-toddler-days are over. And nothing makes me feel better about myself than the guess-who-has-the-cottage-cheese-stomach-hanging-over-of-the-bikini photo.

Erin- But the piece de resistance is the bad, bad parenting moves.

Ellen- Yes, they definitely take the edge off of your guilt for losing your mind on your little angel. Hollering ’til your hoarse because your 6 year old took a Sharpie to your walls pales in comparison to their ego/multi-million dollar fueled antics.  So without further ado…

Ten Celebrity Parents That Make Us Mortal Moms Look Like The Real Rock Stars

(BTW, we know Alicia Silverstone immediately comes to mind, but it felt like too much of a lay up. Plus we couldn’t top the  parody video by The Bearded Iris. It is spit-chewed-food-into-your-baby’s-mouth funny.)

1. Michael Jackson (God bless his tortured soul).

Do you remember this gem of him dangling his baby over the balcony with a towel over his head to protect his IDENTITY? He needed more than a towel for protection. WTF? Heck, The King of Pop would have made this list for naming the kid Blanket.

 

2. All Celebrities Who Name Their Kids Like They Threw Scrabble Tiles In The Air

someecards.com - What's harder than being the child of Nicolas Cage, Jason Lee, or Sylvester Stallone? Being named Kal-El, Pilot Inspektor, or Sage Moonblood. They deserve trust funds.

(BTW, our kids may have weird blog aliases, but we swear they have normal names.)

 

3. Britney Spears Driving With Her Baby On Her Lap

If you are paraded out on tv like a trick pony from the time you are 9, you might have a skewed view of how mothers operate. But where was the staff to stop THIS!?!

 

4. Britney AGAIN

Oops, she did it again! On probation for the above little error in judgment, she ran a red light with her kids in the car at a major intersection in LA.  Oh, and the court-appointed monitor can be seen hiding in the front seat. And that’s a cellphone she might be using while driving too. OY! We are practically pinning Mother of the Year pins on our shirts as we write this!! Thanks, Britney!

 

5. Kate Gosselin  Enough said.

Hee Haw! Put that pizza down you little brats! No pizza for you! It's for my bodyguard/lover/boytoy!

 

6. January Jones

 In the most recent People magazine, January Jones said that she saved her placenta and had it made into pills that she takes whenever she is feeling a little tired or blue.

Yes, Miss Jones, most mammals do eat their placentas, but we have opposable thumbs, bigger brains, and cellphones.

Maybe it does really help—she does look prettying amazing post-baby—but it makes me feel better that I didn’t eat my own organ. And I can extol that virtue to my kin. Win-win.

 

 

7. Courtney Love

Poor Frances Bean Cobain. Dad is a tortured genius who commits suicide, and Mom is a fruitcake. At the tender age of 19, Frances seems to have a good head on her shoulders though, and lives a quiet life estranged from her mom. Now her mom is causing trouble even from the sidelines. On her personal Twitter account, Courtney Love accused 43 year old Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl (who she has personally had a feud with since Cobain’s death in 1994) of hitting on and then sleeping with her daughter. Both Grohl and Bean adamantly deny this rumor, and Frances replied with a very well-thought out statement that ended with “Twitter should ban my mother.” Poor Bean. But her loss is our gain. Courtney makes us feel like we might need crowns and a boa to go with our Mother-of-the-Year pins.

 

8. Ryan O’Neal

He may have been the smart, dreamy sweetheart in “Love Story”, but he makes me happy every day that my kids don’t have a dad like this. He shared his drug addiction with his son to the point that they were arrested TOGETHER (talk about family bondage—did you see what we did there?). Then, at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, he hit on his daughter. “I had just put the casket in the hearse, and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blond woman comes up and embraces me,” Ryan told Vanity Fair in an interview featured in the magazine’s August issue. “I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me — Tatum!’

 

9. Octomom 

Time period referenced: from the moment she shoehorned a litter of embryos into her uterus to riiiiiiiight…now.

Ho, Ho, Ho


10. Bing Crosby

If a last century parenting reference is good enough for The Family Guy, it’s good enough for us. They’ve won Emmys you know. No one is above judgment for child abuse and anti-child abuse messages come in many forms. Satire can most definitely drive home that CHILD ABUSE IS NEVER EXCUSABLE. Treating an adult like this gets you a charge of assault. Or the broken nose you deserve.

 

Ellen – No matter how much money you make or how many people stroke your ego, parenting is one of the most important jobs on the planet and you shouldn’t be allowed to carelessly eff it up. Not to sound like a jingle, but our children are our planet’s future. ( You don’t have to ridicule me, I’m picturing rounds of Kumbaya and lighters waving in the air right now, too).

But we all make mistakes, so I hope this list gave you a laugh, made you think, and allowed you to give yourself a little slack for forgetting to put the pudding pack in junior’s lunch. But you only get slack if junior is NOT named Orangejello. (Pronounced or-ON-jel-o, as the French do.)

Erin- But really, no judgment.

 ∞

This month is Child Abuse Awareness Month.  Blogger extraordinaire Sperk has written a virtual directory of information as well as shared her own story.  Do yourself a favor and click on over.

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31 thoughts on “Ten Celebrity Parents That Make Us Mortal Moms Look Like The Real Rock Stars

  1. Kimberly S. (Sperk*)

    I love your interpretation of the list and especially like the insightful statement near its end: “No matter how much money you make or how many people stroke your ego, parenting is one of the most important jobs on the planet and you shouldn’t be allowed to carelessly eff it up.” Well done, ladies.
    Kimberly S. (Sperk*) recently posted..10 Reasons Celebrities Are Like UsMy Profile

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  2. Stasha

    Sometimes I wonder if all the nanies and hired help is freeing too much time up for celebrities to come up with this deeply disturbing stuff.
    Love your spin on the list, you two are dream team. Dream TEAM.
    Stasha recently posted..Monday ListiclesMy Profile

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  3. Delilah

    Haha! I’m feeling so much better about the 19 month old sitting at my feet drinking milk…out of bottle still, and chopping on some fruit loops. I’m feeling downright proud of that in fact! Great list ladies!
    Delilah recently posted..Dinners for DollarsMy Profile

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  4. Jen West

    Funny! And sad! Definitely makes me feel like a GREAT mom who screws up a little sometimes.

    I posted this great little gem on facebook just the other day…. Dance like no one is watching, but parent like Child Protective Services is hiding behind every tree.

    I guess these celebrities don’t have a CPS agent on staff (or anyone else for that matter) to help them with parenting judgement calls. Maybe they should.

    Reply
  5. Susan

    ho ho ho, INDEED. THAT WOMAN MAKES ME STABBY. etc.

    so are you saying i shouldn’t be driving my child around my lap with a full bottle of undiluted juice and a handful of cheetohs while texting and playing words with friends at the same time? damn, i thought i was just a really, really good multitasker. sigh.
    Susan recently posted..Because it’s Monday, and I CanMy Profile

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  6. Recovering Supermom

    Oh, my. So much dysfunction in one list! I think I do feel better about my skills. Or at least the probability that my kids won’t need QUITE as much therapy as the kids who have the celebrity parents on your list.

    Reply
  7. heidi

    This is freakin’ awesome and I do not use that ‘freakin’ lightly.

    Seriously, seriously funny. I feel so much better about myself and my parenting abilities.
    heidi recently posted..firstsMy Profile

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