For this Monday Listicle over at Sasha’s blog, The Good Life, the topic is 10 Reasons Celebrities Are Just Like Us…or not.
Ellen- I think we are going to go with the “or not.”
Erin- Nannies, drivers, massage therapists on-call, chefs, and shoppers, oh my!
Ellen- I’m going to stop her there, because she is turning a wee bit green. And by wee bit, I mean that you might mistake her for a leprechaun right now. But I am happy that celebs aren’t like me. It makes me feel scads better about myself. You heard me!
Erin- Don’t go throwing Cameron Diaz’s perfect body in her face. NOT a very Sisterhood thing to do.
Ellen- Grocery shopping mommas know what I’m talking about.
Erin-While waiting to spend a fortune on groceries, what’s a girl to do except flip through the tabloids?
Ellen-Remember that both of my kids are in school, so the defend-the-candy-from-the-toddler-days are over. And nothing makes me feel better about myself than the guess-who-has-the-cottage-cheese-stomach-hanging-over-of-the-bikini photo.
Erin- But the piece de resistance is the bad, bad parenting moves.
Ellen- Yes, they definitely take the edge off of your guilt for losing your mind on your little angel. Hollering ’til your hoarse because your 6 year old took a Sharpie to your walls pales in comparison to their ego/multi-million dollar fueled antics. So without further ado…
Ten Celebrity Parents That Make Us Mortal Moms Look Like The Real Rock Stars
(BTW, we know Alicia Silverstone immediately comes to mind, but it felt like too much of a lay up. Plus we couldn’t top the parody video by The Bearded Iris. It is spit-chewed-food-into-your-baby’s-mouth funny.)
1. Michael Jackson (God bless his tortured soul).
Do you remember this gem of him dangling his baby over the balcony with a towel over his head to protect his IDENTITY? He needed more than a towel for protection. WTF? Heck, The King of Pop would have made this list for naming the kid Blanket.
2. All Celebrities Who Name Their Kids Like They Threw Scrabble Tiles In The Air
(BTW, our kids may have weird blog aliases, but we swear they have normal names.)
3. Britney Spears Driving With Her Baby On Her Lap
4. Britney AGAIN
Oops, she did it again! On probation for the above little error in judgment, she ran a red light with her kids in the car at a major intersection in LA. Oh, and the court-appointed monitor can be seen hiding in the front seat. And that’s a cellphone she might be using while driving too. OY! We are practically pinning Mother of the Year pins on our shirts as we write this!! Thanks, Britney!
5. Kate Gosselin Enough said.
6. January Jones
Yes, Miss Jones, most mammals do eat their placentas, but we have opposable thumbs, bigger brains, and cellphones.
Maybe it does really help—she does look prettying amazing post-baby—but it makes me feel better that I didn’t eat my own organ. And I can extol that virtue to my kin. Win-win.
7. Courtney Love
Poor Frances Bean Cobain. Dad is a tortured genius who commits suicide, and Mom is a fruitcake. At the tender age of 19, Frances seems to have a good head on her shoulders though, and lives a quiet life estranged from her mom. Now her mom is causing trouble even from the sidelines. On her personal Twitter account, Courtney Love accused 43 year old Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl (who she has personally had a feud with since Cobain’s death in 1994) of hitting on and then sleeping with her daughter. Both Grohl and Bean adamantly deny this rumor, and Frances replied with a very well-thought out statement that ended with “Twitter should ban my mother.” Poor Bean. But her loss is our gain. Courtney makes us feel like we might need crowns and a boa to go with our Mother-of-the-Year pins.
8. Ryan O’Neal
He may have been the smart, dreamy sweetheart in “Love Story”, but he makes me happy every day that my kids don’t have a dad like this. He shared his drug addiction with his son to the point that they were arrested TOGETHER (talk about family bondage—did you see what we did there?). Then, at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, he hit on his daughter. ”I had just put the casket in the hearse, and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blond woman comes up and embraces me,” Ryan told Vanity Fair in an interview featured in the magazine’s August issue. “I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me — Tatum!’
Time period referenced: from the moment she shoehorned a litter of embryos into her uterus to riiiiiiiight…now.
10. Bing Crosby
If a last century parenting reference is good enough for The Family Guy, it’s good enough for us. They’ve won Emmys you know. No one is above judgment for child abuse and anti-child abuse messages come in many forms. Satire can most definitely drive home that CHILD ABUSE IS NEVER EXCUSABLE. Treating an adult like this gets you a charge of assault. Or the broken nose you deserve.
Ellen – No matter how much money you make or how many people stroke your ego, parenting is one of the most important jobs on the planet and you shouldn’t be allowed to carelessly eff it up. Not to sound like a jingle, but our children are our planet’s future. ( You don’t have to ridicule me, I’m picturing rounds of Kumbaya and lighters waving in the air right now, too).
But we all make mistakes, so I hope this list gave you a laugh, made you think, and allowed you to give yourself a little slack for forgetting to put the pudding pack in junior’s lunch. But you only get slack if junior is NOT named Orangejello. (Pronounced or-ON-jel-o, as the French do.)
Erin- But really, no judgment.
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski