It’s Monday, but not just any Monday—it’s the Monday after Mother’s Day. Hopefully, you were treated like a queen, but if you weren’t (and let’s face it, there’s a 50/50 chance some of you were washing dishes or doing laundry yesterday), you deserve something sweet. And what is sweeter than revenge?
Our weekly dues to the Cool Kids’ Club over at Stasha’s Monday Listicles this week are 10 Things We Want to Delete. These movies sprang to our minds immediately because it was a crime against humanity that they were released. Sweet vengeance will be ours.
We usually like to talk movies, but these movies are sooooo bad they deserve nothing better than being gutted, filleted, and served up at their expense for your enjoyment. In retribution for sucking minutes of our life or life from our souls, we are taking this crew downtown and showing them no mercy. We split the list down the middle: Erin’s picks are italicized, Ellen’s are not.
If you saw them, sorry. If you haven’t, thank your lucky stars. If you actually LOVE these films, we are at a loss for words.
1. Showgirls—Forget the really bad casting decision to have the cute cheerleader from Saved by the Bell as one of the leads (Poor Elizabeth Berkley). Forget that the movie poster alone could serve as soft porn. But do not forget that this movie is so awful that even some gratuitous nudity couldn’t save it.
This movie is zero-fun where it had some chances to be and just pretty darn uncomfortable in other places. It’s so mock-worthy, but then you have to feel bad for mocking. Really, why the heck pay money for this? The poor girls at the heart of this movie aren’t sophisticated or privileged or even in on the mean-spirited jokes at the heart of this film, so you just feel kind of uncomfortable and icky watching the scenes unfold.
After Nomi, the character played by our hapless gal Liz, climbs her way to the top for her one moment of glory as a Vegas dancer, she says, “I just hope I am as good as the show.” Well, in THIS case, you certainly are.
2. Pirates of the Caribbean at World’s End— Poor Johnny Depp. When you are so beautiful and talented, you apparently forget that you are also human and make mistakes. Now, I can concede that the first in this series of movies was a bit of a romp and good fun. I can even agree that the second, while worse than than the first, still had some enjoyable moments. But THIS movie I cannot forgive, because you are Johnny Depp—you are deep and artistic and full of integrity and MONEY. And THIS movie is what happens when you have too much money and no brains. Steve likes to say, “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” Sorry, Johnny, we all love you, but this one’s a stinker and even your infinite charms can’t keep it afloat.
3. Beverly Hills Cop 3—This is a really old movie, but I remember it breaking my heart a little back then. The first two BHC movies were funny, campy, and just good old-fashioned movie FUN. Some might even argue that the first two movies are the stars in the crown of Murphy, but this soulless, joyless piece of drivel even seemed to break Eddie Murphy a little. Has he ever looked so spectacularly uncomfortable anywhere? The other movies were comedies with a little action, but this one was an action movie with a little comedy. They dropped the formula and thus rendered it nearly unwatchable. Eddie Murphy was never the same after this film and, for that, we all lose.
4. Glitter—When I told Ellen this was one of my picks, she said, “It has Mariah Carey, and it is called “Glitter”, what did you expect?” I should have known better. Truly. But it was kind of like a train wreck, I had to see just how bad it was. It’s abysmal. Three things pop immediately to mind: The chemistry between the leads would not power a lightbulb, the writers never met a movie cliche they didn’t like, and Mariah was incomprehensible unless she was singing. My main memory was hiding in my popcorn bowl every time the least hip man on earth said things like “you got no food in yo crib”. At least the popcorn was yummy.
5. Deadringers-— Okay this was billed as a psychological thriller, but it was just psycho in the worst possible way. It didn’ t make you think, “How clever!” It made you desire brain ajax to scrub the memories away. I usually purge the details of movies as soon as I see them or else I would never remember crucial things like my shoe size or where I stashed the chocolate. This movie was released decades ago, but it is burned into my neurons. I’ll share the trailer playing in my head: twin gynos (creepers) obsess over a woman, one goes off the reservation and starts mutilating woman (where’s the medical board!?!), he convinces his brother to go under his knife (WTF), disembowels him with a homemade torture chamber retractor (WTF!!), and then inexplicable curls up in the excavated corpse ‘s arms and dies. Yeah. 116 minutes of my life I would like back, please.
6. The Crying Game—I don’t dislike this film, because of the infamous reveal. My opening weekend seat in the front row, with my neck cricked back at a 90 degree angle, DID give that scene a whole level of intimacy I could have done without, but that is not the point. I felt punked, because the IRA action film I THOUGHT I was watching in the beginning dissolved into a lot of angst and, well, crying. I kept waiting for the action to return and it. just. never. did.
7. District 9— This movie stunk like the pile of bug guts that littered its landscape. It started out with such promise: the mockumentary was intense. And then. . . it just fizzled. Social commentary faded away. While the Crying Game could have done with a little less reveal, this film needed one. Big time. This thing might have been passable as a video game, but my popcorn didn’t come with a controller. If only it had come with a can of Raid.
8. Boxing Helena–I hate myself for even seeing this film, because I was warned in the title. I went into this movie with the idea that it was a romantic drama. Oh HELL no. This movie is romantic in the same way having pink eye is sexy: NOT AT ALL. Kim Bassinger had to pay over $3 million to renege on her contract and not star in this film. Best money spent. Ever.
I’ll cut to the meat (pun intended): Crazy doctor with mommy issues quadruple amputates a woman so annoying and nasty you don’t even feel sorry for her. And get this! Turns out it was all a dream. No pithiness. No resolution. The directors must have realized this movie was so twisted nothing could mitigate it, so they just obliterated it. And thus, more minutes of my life stolen.
9. Vanilla Sky—What is this movie about? I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!! I could not remember the exact plot of this film, just that I hated it. A lot. So being the responsible blogger that I am, I looked up a synopsis. Yeah, I still don’t know what the movie was about, but I found this quote from the film that just about sums it up.
Exactly.
10. Twilight—I might be bringing a whole world of hurt down upon my head, but I am just going to say it out loud: This is a BAD movie. I know it caused teens and Moms alike to lose their ever-loving minds. I saw the t-shirts (Go Team Jacob!), I heard the soundtrack, I read the book. I get the appeal. I understand the fervor. This is just a bad movie, and I won’t pretend otherwise. Most of the main characters’ movie acting consists of looking hot and gazing angstily (it may not be a word, but it fits perfectly) at each other. And don’t even get me started on the special effects. When I am reading, I am willing to suspend my disbelief—it’s part of the writer/reader contract—but when I am seeing it on film, it’s a whole new ballgame. In this case, the ballgame especially brings into crystal-clear and sparkly focus just how unbelievable it all is. And don’t even get me started on the sequels.
But we have a little sweet surprise for you. There is a cure for that which ails bad movies, and that, my dear bloggy friends, is Rifftrax. I was already a big fan of my BIL Dan and my sister Karen before they introduced us to Rifftrax. After we sat through our inaugural movie night in which the team from Rifftrax brought down the classic “Jaws”, Karen and Dan skyrocketed to the top of our Christmas list (you see the way to our hearts!) Now, Steve and I are true believers. Rifftrax’s tagline is “we don’t make movies, we make movies funny”, and they deliver BIG TIME. You can follow the link to check it all out, rent a riff, and even the DVD you want to mock.
So here is our Mother’s Day gift—a little Rifftrax preview takedown of “Twilight”.
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Happy Mother’s Year! Let’s make it the best one yet!
“I would rather sit through Ricky Bobby every day for a month, than sit through any of these for 15 minutes.” Ellen
I laughed through the majority of Twilight. I kept asking my friend, “PEOPLE AREN’T CARING OR NOTICING HOW BAD THIS IS? ARE WE IN CRAZY TOWN?”
Most of the others would make my list too, but that one takes the prize. Totally.
Yay! And shwooo! I was worried that the ground was going to open up and swallow me whole to suggest such a thing! Erin
Oh, I LOVE Rifftrax!! You have to get the one they did for Titanic, if you haven’t already.
Kathy Kramer recently posted..Monday Listicles-Ten Things I Miss
Unfortunately, I’ve seen almost all of these movies and I agree – except for District 9, I really liked that movie and it’s message about fear, discrimination and the treatment of refugees.
Dead Ringer and Boxing Helena were SO bad, I had not thought about those in years! Very twisted movies. Never did see Vanilla Sky, sounds like I need to stay away from that one anyway! haha – great list!
Anna recently posted..Why I Love You
I think you nailed my disappointment with the film, Anna. It started out with such a strong, important social message, it could have been a GREAT film. But then it just spiraled downward into bad B-movie-dom. I felt punked that this movie did not deliver its promise. Instead of just broaching the subject, it could have nailed it. It would have benefited form a little less attention to the bug goo and a little more attention to the message. Ellen
The only one I saw was Vanilla Sky but lucky for me it was a rubbish copy I got for a buck in a back alley in Bangkok so I gave up watching it half way through. Live your theist on the prompt. It was what I had in mind when I called the topic! Happy Mother’s day ladies. And yes I did dishes and laundry today 🙂
Stasha recently posted..Monday Listicles
Seriously spell check?!?! I meant love not live and twist not theist. Sorry!
Stasha recently posted..Monday Listicles
I think “Live your Theist” could be one of those weird bumper stickers!! Erin
THAT sounds like an interesting story! I would feel worse for you about the dishes and laundry if I hadn’t been stalking you on Twitter and checking out your great pics of of you and your boy hiking yesterday. Hope it was as lovely a day as it looked! Erin
I count myself lucky that I haven’t seen most of those movies! Phew! Great list!
Stacey recently posted..Mother’s Day
oh dear god BOXING HELENA!!!! why oh why? 😀
um. twilight makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a spoon. which means i am abotu as culturally relevant as a turnip, i know, but… yes.
also, WHY, JOHNNY, WHY?
that is all. except, hahahahahahaha rifftrax and happy late mother’s day!
Susan recently posted..Why, Hello!
I disagree with 6 & 7 and would like to add The Shadow, which is the only movie I’ve ever walked out.
Alex@LateEnough recently posted..An Insomnia Update Because You Care
Feeling exceptionally lucky that I missed The Shadow. Ellen
Though I’ve heard of all these I can only say I’ve seen Beverly Hills Cop 3 — and remember nothing of it. I tried Twilight but gave up. So I’m with you. Just don’t get the mania. Thanks for the list. I’ll know what to stay far from.
southmainmuse recently posted..Wielding a heavy hammer and nine other things I learned from Mom.
I have to agree with pretty much your entire list. I didn’t mind District Nine.
I have never partaken in any of the Twilight madness. I outright refused to read it, and then with the God awful acting of Kristen Stewart, I knew “NO THANK YOU!”
Jackie recently posted..Mother Knows Best
GGAAAAAHHHH! This is the third time I try to comment. Captcha keeps eating it. Last chance: I liked District Nine. Breaking Dawn was SO STINKING BAD (Twilight times a million). OK, about to submit comment. Wish me luck.
Stephanie recently posted..Purveyors of Awesome
Thank you for your persistence. 🙂 We were getting spamm bombed. By turning it back on it looks like we broke the cycle. Commenting during yeah write should be fine. wink wink. Ellen
Ok, so other than Twilight, I haven’t seen any of the movies or have any interest in seeing them. Since I’m a big Twihard… yes, I’m one of those!!! :)… I won’t watch the little video clip and stay happy that way.
Susi recently posted..Mother’s Day… a recap
Shhh, don’t tell Erin, but despite the painful staring, I’m okay with Twilight. The first movie was the worse, but they got better after that. Ellen
*laughing* I haven’t seen all these movies, but the ones I have are big duds. I can’t stand Vanilla Sky. I was so MAD I saw that in the theater!
Yoli recently posted..If Only I Could Erase….
Yes-Boxing Helena! Wtf! You must have been the other person who saw it.
Ha! You would think so by the box office gross. 🙂 Ellen
I’m happy to say I’ve only seen two of these! (Beverly Hills Cop and Crying Game). The rest are permanently going on my do not watch list. 🙂 Thanks for the tips. I actually had the third Pirates on my netflix list, but will go remove now… I mean, I keep pushing it down the list anyway, so I must have known it wasn’t going to be good.
Ally recently posted..Monday Listicles – Pride
Great List! I have to admit I really liked District 9 and Vanilla Sky lol. I may to make a list of deleteable movies too, I LOVE y’alls idea :):)
sara recently posted..5 Things Mom and 10 Things Deleteable
I have to admit that I watched Twilight and the rest…now waiting for the last installment. I read the whole book.
Wait! Don’t throw me out with the wolves! (pun intended)
I agree it’s all garbage, but I’m the kind where if I start something (book or movie series) I just have to finish it to see what happens. Really. Plus, how else can I make fun of it as much if I don’t know what’s in it? Eh?
Great list. 😉
Janice recently posted..Remember Me
Thanks for this! Guess I can cross off Glitter and Vanilla Sky from my list now. Baahaahaa. Actually haven’t seen any of these…phew! 😀
Totally agree about Vanilla Sky… saw it with two “geniuses” (seriously, they have genius level IQs… wish I was joking, it’d be less depressing for me…) and they didn’t get it, so I don’t feel too bad that I was all like “huh, whhhaaaat?”.
I’m a big Twihard and it’s actually the 1st movie that got me hooked, so………. Although, I’ll agree that K.S as Bella was a horrible choice but LOVE R.P as Edward (Go Team Edward!).
Karine recently posted..Mommy’s First!
Haha…this is great! I’m kind of happy I’ve only seen two of them – Twilight (which I agree is terrible) and The Crying Game (which I barely remember). Great take on the listicle!
Katie E recently posted..Monday Listicles: 10 Things Mother’s Day
I don’t think I’ve seen many of those movies, which I guess is a really good thing. I did see Vanilla Sky though and I also had no clue what was going on.
Jen {at} take2mommy recently posted..Mother’s Day is all about me. Mostly.
ROFL, I live your theist on the prompt too. I’ve seen every movie on your list. It never crossed my mind to do it this way. I have only seen Dead Ringers and The Crying Game in theatres, the rest rentals or TMN.
Rifftrax, hilarious. You two rule.
paul recently posted..Turning Points
DO I get some kind of award for not having seen ANY of those movies?
Robbie recently posted..Ten Things about Motherhood
I think NOT seeing any of them is the greatest reward there is. 🙂 Ellen
just brilliant. and yes, delete them all! I swear trying to figure out Vanilla Sky has kept me awake on more than one occasion.
love the Twilght mockery. I couldn’t get through it – there WAS a lot of angst.
RoryBore recently posted..Monday Listicles: 86 That, Will ya?
Yep, I’ve seen most of these. Unfortunately. Agree with all! I enjoyed Twilight but it didn’t live up to the hype. The books were much much better. Kristen Stewart’s acting was…..well, just bad. Great list ladies!
Delilah recently posted..The Mother that She Deserved
Thanks for sparing me since I haven’t seen most of them. I did see Vanilla Sky which reminded me of the worst movie ever – Eyes Wide Shut with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman – ugh!!
Oh gosh, I forgot (thankfully) about Eyes Wide Shut. Was that the beginning of the end of their marriage? Ellen
Funny!
Grease 2 should definitely be added to the list. It is so bad I don’t think I ever even finished watching it.
Jennifer recently posted..Our First Review!
YES, YES, YES! I haven’t seen them all, but the ones I’ve seen on that list were awful!
Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted..SUMMER BEAUTY TRENDS
You forgot to put “I am Legend” on your list as well as the 1985 movie “Legend” starring the inconsistent Tom Cruise, or even “The Legend of Bagger Vance”! I will venture to say that if the movie title include the word “Legend” then its a must miss.
Also, how about two of those movie star the “Fresh Prince”!
I have to admit, very insightful. Ellen