Ellen – “No” is the Brussels sprouts of the world of language. But it’s not them, it’s you. People don’t know how to cook them!
My mommy doesn’t know how to cook Brussels sprouts
And people don’t know how to use the word “No.”
Erin – We are here to tell you to embrace Brussels sprouts.
Ellen – Ok, Green Grocer, what we are really here to tell people is to embrace the word “No.”
Erin – “No” is the ultimate negative word. When you see that on a sign, you know to put the brakes on.
Ellen – Like when you see a “No Alcohol Served Here” sign?
Erin – Yes! You know to walk the other way. But now who needs to focus?
Ellen – Ok, I’m talking about the word “No” in your mommy arsenal, because a “No” has to have firepower behind it to work. Sometimes this means getting off the couch to discipline after you’ve said “No” for the fifth time. Sometimes it means picking your battles wisely.
Erin – Picking your battles is important. You can’t waste all of your bullets during a skirmish, because you won’t have any left for the real war. Strap on your helmet and pick up your gear, because we have a mission objective.
Ellen – We are just trying to raise human beings who can function and play with others safely in society.
Erin– Sometimes it is easier said than done. In a tale of woe from the front lines, I violated these tenets. I was lobbing grenades when I should have been using my energy to whittle down my laundry pile.
Ellen- You brought a world o’ hurt raining down on your head that you didn’t need. All over a doll.
Is this tarted up battle line worth it?
Erin – Bratz dolls were all the rage when Biddie was in early elementary school. To say that these toys irked me is soft-selling my real issue with them. They looked like Fun-Sized Streetwalkers to me—there was no way that my girl was going to be playing with those totems to anti-feminism.
Ellen – Yikes. You should have given that Bratz doll a heaping dose of the cold shoulder. Instead, you shoved that hussy front and center, giving her the spotlight.
Erin–It was a rookie mistake that blew up in my face. When I said, “You will never play with Bratz dolls,” what was interpreted by my seven year old’s brain was…
Ellen– “This is what I want to fight with you about for the next four years.”
Erin – That “No” catapulted those “Poster Dolls of Woman Hatred” to the status of forbidden fruit. And the battle lines were drawn.
Ellen– I am not going to say I told you so.
Erin- And you didn’t then. But your raised eyebrows, nail nibbling, and shuffle-step backward to avoid the shrapnel spoke volumes.
Ellen– I was concerned about your stand, because you did not control the battlefield. You just can’t dictate what is given to your child at birthdays. ((Please don’t be one of those mothers who has a birthday gift registry.)
Erin- When Biddie opened that package at her seventh birthday party, she gave me a look that said, “The gauntlet has been thrown down.” I cringed.
Ellen– You couldn’t win. If you let her keep the doll, you were going back on your principles, in essence branding yourself a big fat liar. But by taking it away, you were forced to be the villain.
Erin– If I had just ignored them like the Sisterhood told me to, Biddie would have played with the thing for about five minutes, chopped the doll’s hair off, and left her naked in the bottom of a toy bin, ripe to be whisked into the garbage can. I wouldn’t even escort THAT streetwalker to Goodwill.
Ellen- They only had about 15 minutes of fame in my house.
Erin– I get it. The rigid oak tree snaps while the willow tree bends.
Ellen– O-kay, Sensei.
Erin– But there are times when the issue is worth it. In those moments, you have to stand your ground.
Ellen– And you have to start young. There are a million times a day with toddlers when you have to say no and mean it. “No, you can’t shave the cat.” “No, you can’t have mommy’s special juice.” ” No, you can’t draw a Sharpie mustache on your brother.”
Erin– Life is hard in the trenches–wet, smelly, and monotonous. We get it! Who do you think is beside you in that foxhole? But if the “No” is worthy, you just can’t give in because you’re tired or they flash you those baby blues.
Ellen– Your “No” is not just an expression of negativity. Your “No” shows love, because it gives them the sense of safety they crave. No one is going to let them careen over the edge of that cliff–metaphorical or real. You are there to pull them back.
We frown on helicopter parenting too, but maybe Wile E.’s mommy could have supervised him a little better.
Erin– No man gets left behind. They need that built into their brains. They are going to push. Boys, girls, toddlers, tweens, teens—they are all just looking for gaps in the fence line EVERY DAY. Boundaries are tough to maintain, but they actually make kids feel safe and empower them to spread their wings.
Ellen– You really are laying the foundation for your future on Planet Teen.
Erin– Bottom line: Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Ellen– All of this hit home when Coco threw her tantrum. I’m not talking about when she was 2 years old, but those were indeed nuclear. I’m talking about the one she threw a couple of months ago at the ripe ol’ age of 13.
Coco had to pay the piper for her actions by being grounded. This grounding would make her miss a prime social situation. Coco thought that if she righted her wrongs, she would be able to go to the prime social situation.
Erin – Coco, that’s a negatory. Have you met your Mom?
Ellen – The meltdown she had when it sunk in that her penance was not going to shorten her term was epic.
I swear it felt like I was being pulled through one of those swirling time travel tunnels to the day my abundantly pregnant self had to abandon my grocery cart, awkwardly grab 2 year old Coco by her heel, and drag her out of the store. My ginormous self could not get a grip on her flailing body any other way.
Erin –Don’t worry. She was also abundantly judged by every gawker in that store.
Ellen – But you know what else happened on that embarrassing day? I mortared a brick into the foundation of my parenting platform. When I said “No”, there was nothing she could do that would force me off of it.
And I was so glad for the precedent of consistency I had set when I faced her toddler meltdowns. The stakes only get higher. The issues only get weightier
Erin – Do you see? Even though Coco was pushing, Ellen had some very firm legs to stand on.
Ellen – So, the Sisterhood Secret? Strong boundaries make strong kids.
Erin – Boundaries are what children crave and need to feel safe. It is scary for them to think they run the show.
Ellen – And for the love of all that is good, don’t throw down over stupid stuff. Leave yourself some wiggle room, so that if your child presents a reasonable case, you can acknowledge their argument and compromise.
Erin– Pick your battles wisely or you are going to be too exhausted for the real issues.
Ellen – And here is the bonus Sisterhood Secret: Roast your Brussels sprouts!
Boundaries. They’re not just for coyotes.
Wise, wise women!
Thanks, Kyla! Ellen
Genius! Brilliant advice. Picking your battles makes parenting a lot less stressful. Could not agree more. I love the way you two banter back & forth. Go sisterhood or go home.
Jennifer recently posted..Ah, Nature!
Thank you! And by the way, we have been waiting for someone to say, “Go Sisterhood or Go Home.” Ellen
Roasted Brussels Sprouts are indeed the way to go even if your mother turns her nose up at them at Christmas time. But I digress…
Picking my battles is the hardest, that and following through when I have chosen a batle. Parenting was a lot easier before I had kids!
just keep swimming recently posted..Sleepy Preschooler Apology
You hit the nail on the head! Parenting WAS a lot easier before I had kids! Ellen
Great advice for every part of your life!
This reminds me when I decided not to pick the battle with the Junie B. Jones books. I can’t stand them (poor grammar, horrible main character, the list goes on and on) however, my daughter loved them! When I saw how determined she was to learn to read them I decided to buy them for her againt every sane bone in body. But within a copy of months after she mastered reading them she completely forgot about them and moved onto much worthier literature.
However, I have picked my battle with my 6 yr old son’s electronic addition and it is a hard battle. But I am determined that he will not be some pale teenage boy spending all day in the basement playing video games. We have had some huge drawn out temper tamtrums over here but it is worth it (right???)
Kudos ladies on some great sisterhood support!!
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Mary! I never liked Junie B. either. She was a hot mess and not in a good way.
Be strong with your youngest! Ellen
Love this. “Bottom line: Say what you mean and mean what you say.”
This is great advice. I can throw out those ‘no’s’ without thought or follow-through and it’s so important to have the thought and follow-through.
My son is a terrible listener. He is a thoughtful, sensitive kid but lives in his own bubble on a distant planet and he doesn’t ‘hear’ me. The other day he wasn’t listening and continued the behavior I asked him to stop. Instead of telling him off (so to speak) I placed him on the step, gave him a time-out and slowed him down to think about his why he was there. And, you know what, it worked. For that day anyway. 🙂
heidi recently posted..stuck
Thank you, Heidi! Parenting is a day by day prospect, isn’t it? And just when you master one thing, it all changes! 🙂 Ellen
So wise, so very wise Erin & Ellen!
This line alone, “Boundaries are what children crave and need to feel safe. It is scary for them to think they run the show.”- AMEN!
I do have to add, when you roast brussel sprouts and add bacon, they’re even more delish!
Jackie recently posted..Perspective
Thanks for picking up on that line, Jackie. It is one of my favorite (and hardest to follow) tenets of parenting. Ellen
P.S. – I’ve said it before, but it bares repeating, bacon makes everything better.
Great piece, Every so often you did to remind yourself to pick your battles. That is very hard for me
It is hard for us all, Laura! We just keep trying to do our best everyday. 🙂 Ellen
Where were you smart ladies when I was raising my little ones?
Now I am 70 and it is too late.
Hmmm, well I was the littlest one. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by Aunt Karo! Ellen
Come to think of it–I NEVER liked Brussels Sprouts.
Guess I will have to bake them—–who knew.
What a great conversation! And full of good advice: Bratz dolls? **shudder** I’d be really tempted to pick that battle, too! I’ll remember though, to the bottom of the toy box and out without a word. Thanks! 🙂
Emily recently posted..Before Deployment
The “bottom of the toy box and out the door without a word” move should be patented. The only thing better is if they forget it under the car seat. Cuts out a step. 🙂 Ellen
So true! As a mom of two teen boys, I find it just gets harder and harder both to set limits and know when to let them have more breathing room. When they do get a consequence, I think it’s tougher on me than on them. (I do find the urge to cave in!) And we all love roasted Brussels sprouts.
Marcy recently posted..Just Do It Backwards
Oh, I think that is how you know you are doing it right, when It is harder on you than them. 🙂
Limiting setting with boys is a race against the clock, too. One minute you are bending down to buttons their coats and the next minute they are 6 inches taller than you.
Long live Brussels sprouts!
Ellen
This is great! Love how you wove in Brussel Sprouts! (I like them, OK! But I never had them roasted! But I will!) I wish my husband learned this tough, life-raising-kids lesson: pick your battles, don’t let them pick you! I am happy to say I have a boy so, so, wait, it’s OK to let him have a doll, never mind. Still, I think I’d not fight that battle-of the-slutty doll, instead, the “Hold my hand across the street or else!” battle!
I pinned you here: http://pinterest.com/zina/the-parent-water-cooler/
Join in the conversation!
Lisa Nolan recently posted..How Not to Write Every Day
Thanks for stopping by Lisa. And thank you for introducing us to The Parent Water Cooler board! I did not know that existed. How did I not know?? Seriously cool. Ellen
Try roasting Brussels sprouts with apples and bacon. Oh. My. We also like them steamed with lemon and garlic butter. Love the article. We also forbade the Bratz dolls. I try to be consistent with the “No.” Dad is NOT consistent and has no consequences other than handing them over to me. sigh
I have left a full cart at Target and dragged two toddlers out of there while pregnant. Fun times! We recently had the tweener tantrum when she couldn’t go to a social event due to poor behavior/incompletion of chores and school work. So sad but also rather funny. 😉
Mmmmmmmm…roasted apples. I have never done that and here I thought I had roasted everything!
And thank you for your Target story. Pregnant Sisters Pummeled by Toddler Hysteria in a Big Box Store Unite! PSPTHBBSU!?! Ellen
Boundaries are a beautiful thing! Try setting them when you’re the step parent–villain? Yeah, that’s me. However, I think they all respect me. “No” means NO. That’s it. Great post!
Jennifer Worrell recently posted..Road Trippin’ in the Nude
You are the real hero. No villain. Erin
I realise this isn’t the point, but aren’t those birthday gift registries the WORST! I can’t even imagine taking my kids around to “select” their own gifts for their upcoming birthdays. What a completely idiotic and magic-stealing idea.
And yes. Great post. I could really learn to pick my battles in every part of life better, not just in saying “no” to the kids (looking sorrowfully at the overflowing toy/craft area which is now bigger than any other area in our living space).
Jade recently posted..Pop/Flash/Chop
I don’t know about Ellen, but I hate birthday parties. They make ME stabby! Erin
yes! i was just making roasted brussel sprouts with my daughter last night 🙂 what a great tie in, as she is my child i need to remember to pick battles with and also to stand firm on the “no”s, she’s emotional. i’m not overly, so it throws me every time she has an outburst, and every time she says sorry with such ferver, even if i know it’s just to stay out of trouble… these are learning times for me to be sure. i’ll keep your words with me 🙂
tara pohlkotte recently posted..Birthing Warrioress
I think we are all given a kid like that! Erin
Smart, smart women. Especially about the roasting brussel sprouts. Preferably with balsamic vinegar and parsnips.
kristin recently posted..Slow and Fast. Good and Better.
Hahhah this definitely sounds like solid advice to me!
Mayor Gia recently posted..Food Hangover: UGGGGHHHHHHH
Bravo, girls! Well said. Pick your battles…or as my husband says, “That’s not a hill to die on”. 😛
Mel at According to Mags recently posted..CHARIOTS OF FIRE
Love that!! Erin
“That’s not a hill to die on” is becoming a part of my lexicon. Now. Ellen
I suck at saying No.
I hate Brussel Sprouts.
I vehemently dislike Bratz and all they stand for.
I might get better at saying No, but that’s all I can promise.
WG
WilyGuy recently posted..The Lesson of the Reef Tank
I don’t say “no” almost as much as I DO say “I’m sorry.” Probably a good thing I don’t have kids. My “boundaries” wouldn’t be very firm.
But I couldn’t agree more with your advice here. And those Bratz dolls are AWFUL. Why would they make those for little girls?! WTF?!
Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..I Was There
I love how two different people wrote this but it reads like one. Your style of writing blends so beautifully that at first I believed I was reading a conversation between two halves of the same self. One spoken outloud and the other was the internal voice.
I think this is beautiful and unique. And I completely agree that balance is the key to successful parenting and that boundaries are essential.
nicely done.
Carrie recently posted..Insecurity in Marriage
I am “blessed” with very strong willed children. The battles in this household are epic. But I learned early on, never give in and never show weakness. These kids, they divide and conquer! We have 5 of them, we are seriously outnumbered. Great post!
Delilah recently posted..So What?
I’ve never had them grilled…interesting. I like them cooked and served in chicken broth…
I have so much love for this post, not just for bringing brussel sprouts front and center. “No” is a powerful word and we don’t use it enough, with kids, with coworkers…I think you have described a good balance of limit setting and picking your battles (self-limit setting? That needs a better name…)
Shiftless Mommie recently posted..Motherbored.
Love this post! Of course, I love brussels sprouts too.
I learned the lesson of choosing your battles when I was a child. Me, being very strong willed, would view the word “no” as a challenge. Sometimes, I still do. But I always chose my battles with my son because I knew exactly what a no-win situation it is when you don’t. Plus, he takes after me in personality and I know how I would react. 🙂
Kathy Kramer recently posted..Mental Health Awareness: Suicide-My Story
LOVE it – both for the message to say no and mean it, but only do it when it really matters. And for what it’s worth – Bratz dolls weren’t allowed in my house either 🙂
Melissa Cohen recently posted..Two years olds are my favorite
This works for the man in your life, too. Pick your battles. My sister is blessed with a great kid who doesn’t try to push too many buttons. But, that said, I’ve heard her say that, pick your battles, and I say to her, but I never see you pick any. She scowls. I love this post as some of the parents I know don’t set any boundaries. Maybe you can be a friend and parent, but first you are a parent. Though I don’t have kids this is refreshing. I don’t see enough of those boundaries. And roasted Brussels Sprouts is definitely the way to go. Toss in some slightly toasted pine nuts and shaved parmesan when you take them out of the oven. Heaven.
stephanie recently posted..There’s Something Happening Here…
Thank you Stephanie for your thoughtful comment. I run on the theory that I act like a parent now, to raise human beings that I want to be friends with later. Ellen
Picking your battles is so important. I struggle with letting things go one day, and caring about the same thing the next. I can’t figure out which battles to pick!
Adrienne recently posted..How can I get my child to eat healthy?
“wet, smelly, and monotonous”–> that pretty much sums it up.
Great advice, though I hate brussell sprouts.
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..We Are All Wild Things
I think one of the things I love most about what you both write is that I feel like it’s a glimpse of what I need to know for the future. I really appreciate that – more than you know. So true about the boundaries. And I love that you point out how even when you swear you hate a certain toy, you can’t control the gifts. Although I wish I could…
Michelle Longo recently posted..Blankie.
Thank you Michelle! This means a lot. Ellen
No man gets left behind 🙂 haha!!
My dad was excellent with boundaries when every other parent is coddling their child or trying to let them figure out what their own boundaries were stuff – the boundaries are firm – not insane like my mothers, but firm. And as such, his second batch of children have very little anxiety and a shit-ton of self esteem.
Wonderful!
Pish Posh recently posted..The Interviews
brussel sprouts roasted and tossed with bacon are deeevine. I’m not sure how to work bacon into your “no” metaphor, though. Spoonful of bacon makes the medicine go down? Nah, that doesn’t work. The follow-through on NO is key, though, because if you can’t walk the walk, you’re toast when your kids are too big to be carried out bodily from the store (for future reference: my mom simply left me screaming on the store floor and took refuge three aisles over, when confronted with the too-pregnant-to-lift-the-toddler problem). Wise words, ladies, wise words.
deborah l quinn recently posted..How Much Tuition is Ten Toes?
You guys need a point/counterpoint type of tv show 😉
Tracy @ Scribblesaurus Me recently posted..Listen up Spouses! Don’t be Late!
Yes!!
I hate those bratz dolls. I always thought they were just trash. Sending completely the wrong message…as opposed to Barbie, of course 🙂
Jennifer recently posted..Momentum
Of course, Barbie is a role model. I mean who wouldn’t want to be a stewardess, a vet, and a hair stylist. Erin
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