Erin: The world is fresh, the air is clear, and the days are long. I hear Andy Williams singing in my head, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!”
Ellen: I haven’t even finished putting away my Christmas decorations…
Erin: No, it’s not THAT time of year! Put away your Christmas lists! It’s time to pay homage to the Gods of Green Grass! Any mom worth her weight in soccer balls will tell you: Spring IS sports.
Ellen: More happy than ever that we swim. One more thing on the calendar this month might break me.
Erin: If your kid plays a sport with a ball on a field, you are feeling me right now. We Moms have worn out those second homes also known as our minivans, filled countless water bottles, and developed a serious case of tennis elbow from scrubbing the knees of baseball uniforms.
Is she talking about us?
Well, Providence has smiled upon us and there is an end in sight! So walk off that hamstring pull you developed from crouching in awkward positions on the sidelines. Erase the memories of frost bite from that all day soccer tourney and. . .
Ellen: Forget about that lovely lower back condition from sitting your middle age butt on cold, unforgiving bleachers?? Not gonna happen. Why doesn’t the extra padding help??
Erin: N’er you mind! It’s time to put those ailments literally and figuratively on ice, because we have reached the finish line!
Now it is TIME for The Sports Banquets and End-of-Season Parties! Woo-Hoo!
Ellen: I was a sorority girl. I know parties. These are no parties.
Erin: Don’t be a hater. We <ahem> , I mean, the kids have earned these! These parties warm my heart and put a little gold star on top of my mommy chauffeur report card. But you know what would blow them over the top?
Ellen: A keg.
Erin: No! Well, yes, but I’m talking about honoring our sideline sitters as well. Let’s fire up a BBQ and roast, I mean, toast our parents.
Ellen: Still going with a keg, but I like a good roast or BBQ or . . . what are we talking about?
Erin: Get on board. Without further ado, we bring you. . .
The Double EE’s Awards for Sports Parents
Ellen: Where are our kazoos?? Well, imagine us playing them here. . . Doo-doo-dle-do!
The Olympic Hopefuls
Me Wants Some My Precious!
Erin: These parents were double-dosed with a powerful case of “my kid is the best.” Every crap their little darling takes is solid gold.
Ellen: Gross, but accurate. They act like they have their sights set on actual gold. . . medals, that is.
Erin: These parents Stress. Me. Out. There. I said it. Their earnest talk of the best sports camps, trainers, travel teams, and coaches—it all leaves me reaching for an oxygen mask…or a whiskey.
Ellen: The real bugger is that their kid is usually really good. It’s not like they are looking at a dandelion picker or a bench warmer and spinning tales of Rio 2016.
But the truth is that we have a small pond here. Even if their kid can backstroke in the bigger ocean of talent out in the Big Wide World, the odds aren’ t great for seeing Junior standing on that podium–about 700, 000 to 1. These are roughly the same odds as drowning in a bathtub.
Erin: Glug. Glug. We just wish they could tone it down a little. Take it all in. RE-LAX.
Ellen: But not too much while in the bathtub. This is not the place to beat the odds.
The Glory Dazed
Erin: These parents were the bomb in their day!
Ellen: They ruled the field, the track, the court, the diamond, or the pool.
Erin: They are usually very respectful of the coaches, know the rules, and love to help the kids learn to love the game.
Ellen: The problem once again is their myopic vision. If they are trying to work out some shortcoming in their own sports career through their kids, their focus can be laser-like and oppressive. For those of us on the sidelines, it can be hard to watch.Where’s that whiskey?
Erin: Their more intense, less educated cousins are the parents who were picked last in gym. These parents are also trying for a do-over through their kids, but their lack of understanding of the sport creates unrealistic expectations and impossible demands.
If you have to watch this scenario play out, treat yourself to a double-shot.
Ellen: Okay, THAT is the hardest to watch. It’s Toddlers and Tiaras on turf. Think about it.
The Jersey Collector
Erin: These parents are those kids you remember from high school who had bios yards long because they were on every team: varsity and intramural. Well, those kids are all grown up now, and they are spreading their disease to the next generation.
Ellen: Their kids are totally over-scheduled and burdened: figuratively and literally. They are toting around so many multiple sacks of gear that it is a miracle they are wearing a helmet in their lacrosse game instead of a swim cap.
Erin: The poor kids miss half their games too. Calendars can only be stretched so far. Without some divine intervention. Or a clone.
The Vuvuzela Parent
What’s that? News flash, she can’t hear you!! But I can. Oy.
Erin: These parents are LOUD. Period. They are enthusiastic supporters of their kids and that is GREAT, but give a girl prone to headaches a break. Pass the Tylenol.
Ellen: You know what? Positive support is like Tylenol: even though it is a good thing, you can overdose on it. Take a breath, think of what a sane parent would do, dial it back a little more (just in case you have an unrealistic idea of what constitutes sane), and THEN show your support.
Also, it is O-KAY to only cheer during the spectacular parts. Just saying.
Besides, my kids swim. They can’t hear me anyway.
The Assistant Coach/Ref
Stand back, parents. We have real work to do!
Erin: These are oh-so-helpful parents to have around. They KNOW the sport and they LOVE to help the coach and the ref make sure they get it right.
Ellen: But they generally don’t like the ACTUAL commitment of being the coach or ref. And they often forget that the coaches and refs are volunteers.
Erin: These parents don’t really grasp the concept of the sideline and are constantly stepping over boundaries…
Ellen: . . . right onto the field and everyone’s toes.
Erin: The REAL coaches are not of a pay grade that entitles anyone to provide them with a running critique. If they are doing their best to be fair, they deserve a little respect with a side of parental restraint.
Too much!?! But I haven’t even painted my face yet!
The SuperFan
Erin: These parents don’t just love their kids—they love their kids’ teams.
Ellen: They are harmless, but hapless.
Erin: And easy to spot! They are bedecked in team gear. . . for their 8 year old’s team. From head to toe. To each his own.
Ellen: Erin might be endorsing this award because if she bought gear for every one of her 4 kids’ teams (yes, she gets bonus points for not having her 4 year old on a team) she might not be able to afford gas to get them the heck there.
I’m okay with it—as long as they leave their customized vuvuzelas in their SUVs.
The Holier-Than-Thou Superfits
Erin: My friend Nicole once told me that nothing stresses her out more than “Healthiness One-Upping”.
You know the parents I am talking about. “I just brought homemade granola and hand-squeezed OJ for snack.”
Or: “We run a 5k every night together, have eliminated all unrefined sugars from our family meals, and are currently lobbying to have all junk food taxed.”
Ellen: It is enough to make you want to crawl under the bleachers with a Kit Kat bar. But for the love of high fructose corn syrup: FRUIT SNACKS ARE CANDY, NOT FRUIT!
Erin: Hmmm, I’m getting a feel for which category Ellen falls into. But I am getting up on MY soapbox: END THE SNACK!! For the love of all that is good, kill this tradition. Give it the swift death it richly deserves! How ’bout this instead? EVERY kid brings his own snack. EVERY time.
Ellen: You have floored me with your brilliance.
The SMILFS
Erin: This term usually applies to soccer moms, but you can find these parents in all sports. These are the Moms working it on the sidelines at 8am looking like they stepped out of a salon. Ladies, maybe you didn’t get the memo, but we don’t do pretty before a decent cup of coffee.
Ellen: And a blowout to stand in the rain forest humidity of the indoor pool? Puh-leez!
Erin: You win! We are not worthy.
Come here, kids! You are gonna want to hear this!
Ellen: And last, but not least, the best award ever. . .
Erin: For real, with no traces of snark…
The Sports Parent Extraordinaire
Erin: These parents GET IT!! These parents support without suffocating and guide without getting carried away.
Ellen: These parents have put sports in its proper and important place as part of the myriad of experiences that help kids grow and develop.
SLAMDUNK! These parents are the real superstars!
Erin: These parents don’t need gold stars, championship cups, or bridge loans for four star summer sports camps.
Ellen: They are the rational, loving, SENSIBLE parents we ALL should aim to be!
Erin: Now excuse us before the rest of these parents roast us with a flamethrower.
Ellen: Or, at the very least, blast us with a vuvuzela.
Here is a link to a great article about why sports are great for kids.
I got mentioned! Hoo woo! You have taken my craptastic day (week) and turned it on it’s ear! Or maybe it’s the glass of Pinot I’m sipping….hmmm….either way, I feel special!
Love you, Nicole! That conversation stuck with me for sure! And you are special! And Pinot does work wonders for a craptastic week! Erin
Let’s see what kind of parents Eric and I are. Eric is probably the Assistant Coach/Ref guy. It is really hard for him to stand on the sidelines without interjecting (did you catch that last Sunday Erin?)
I guess I am the Glory Dazed parents – watching my daughter repeat my half ass glory daze on the J.V. soccer team. Fond, fond memories that my daughter is destined to repeat – lol!
Will comment in a couple of years as Gabe gets more on the scene to see what kind of parents we become then – but I am aiming for “the smiles” mom. A girl can dream can’t she?
love this too 🙂 … after just sitting for two hours … in the rain … I had to change my underwear because I was that soaked (with rain lol) … watching my daughter play two innings of softball … this had absolutely perfect timing 🙂
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I totally agree with your snack soapbox. Our youngest was on a team last fall and they were still bringing snacks – and the kids were 12-13-14 years old (with games ending around lunch time). They can wait to get food at home (which was only 3-4 miles away). (Different story when away all day at tournament with several games per day.) My soapbox – skip the trophies for being on a team. Save them for the champions. It will mean more to the kids.
I’m more than a little bit against participation trophies. Waste of money, waste of space, bad message. Ellen
We have to return to the movie “The Incredibles,” which is totally about being a parent – but that’s a post for another day. In that movie, remember, the villain wants to manufacture super powers b/c “if everyone is super then NO ONE is super.” This nonsense of giving everyone a trophy, once the kids are past the age of about 5 is ridiculous & even the kids know it: they know who is good, who is really good, and who is there b/c her dad was a baseball star in college dammit and she will love that sport or die trying (and perhaps find a good therapist when she’s in her twenties). Screw the trophies, screw the team snack. I would say that there is the sports team parent, related to your last category, who can be found on the sidelines snapping the occasional photo, cheering her kid’s team, and sipping her adult beverage, cleverly concealed in her thermos cup. (Adult beverages only for afternoon & late afternoon games. I mean, it’s not like she has a PROBLEM or anything). go team go & pass the sauvignon blanc.
deborah l quinn recently posted..monday’s listicle: a list for husbands
Can I get a ” He** Yeah” , Parents please provide
Snack for your own child. Maybe perhaps feed them
Prior, pack a lunch , and for heaven sake have you
Ever heard of water? Oh but that’s right … It’s fruit snacks
And juice boxes or my kid is humiliated by my healthy snacks ( fruit, veggies and water). I’m thinking a cooler of red bull fit kids( only because it helps them focus and run like a banchee down
The field and a cooler of vodka tonics for parents!
I sooo miss these days. Really I do !
Finally, something I care about winning—that last one!
My kids played soccer for the first time this year and my girls cheered for junior football last year. I would have to say I agree with your parental analysis. I feel I fall into the last category and so do MOST of the parents I have encountered, fortunately. But there are always a few around that just make me shake my head and make faces with the other normal parents!
I wondered about the snack thing myself. We are only there an hour and surely the kids are not starving to death in that time! Glad to know I am not the only one!
Our Soccerroo coach printed certificates for the team rather than giving them trophies, which I thought was really cool and the kids loved!
Cannot wait to see which one I turn out to be. The chess mom that takes photos of my kids chackmates….
You two are funny. Fact!
Stasha recently posted..Scavenger hunt
Oh, man, I hated when it was our turn to bring the snack. Ban the snack! Well said.
kgwaite recently posted..Parade
Ha ha so true. Love all the commentary on the different sports parents.
Vivian recently posted..You might be a redneck if…
Um, how do you describe a parent who tries to avoid being any of the above but want her kid to play some kind of sport? The Avoiding Parent?
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..There Is Light
I think “Perfect” was the word you were looking for. 🙂 Ellen
I love your posts even though I’m not a parent. You are not afraid to tell it like it is. I observe these parents when I accompany my sisters, and I recognize them in your descriptions. Good post, as always.
My kids aren’t old enough for sports teams yet but his father has big dreams about hockey next year. I think baseball is more along my sons skill set. My husband says he can do both since they are in different seasons. I guess that depends on my son though and what he’d prefer. lol. I’m sure he’ll have fun either way!
Great post!
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My son showed cattle with his grandparents and for 4-H. There were some of these types of people there in the livestock showing world, too.
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I’ve been there and seen that too. 🙂 Ellen
Kellie in I don’t fit into any of your categories. We love our daughter to death, but soccer was not her sport, and we’re relieved that she’s an honors student. We would go to her games and sit apart from the other parents. We didn’t want them to see us laughing hysterically as our child muffed kicks and ran in wrong direction. Our daughter had no illusions about her soccer skills; she understood what meant to receive the “Most Improved” award every year.
Great taxonomy 🙂
I’ve met all of these parents at some point or another in my travels. Makes me want to opt out of organized activities with my kids completely.
Shannon recently posted..Safer Lives When We Played With Knives
My husband and I are definitely more uh, science camp-y and less sports-y.
But since my stepson started playing soccer this year we’ve been tossed into quite a few games, and I learned enough that I was able to “get” your post.
Guess that’ll earn me one less wedgie. 😉
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Any day you can avoid a wedgie, is a good day. Ellen
Hhahah I was about to ask “which one are you guys?!” before I got to the last, of course…
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Muwahahahaha! 😉 Ellen
I intend to be a different one every season. Just to confuse the hell out of my kids.
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Now THAT might be the most entertaining category of parent! Ellen
I refuse to be anything other than the last one. Both Husband and I were high school and college athletes and our parents were the last type. I refuse to be a psycho sports parent. Ever. The mere thought gives me a twitch.
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Don’t be twitchy…except to “accidentally” knock the vuvuzela from someone’s hands. It sounds like you are all good. 🙂 Ellen
Ya’ll got it right! Also thanks for reminding me why I am glad my kids aren’t into sports….
Robbie recently posted..There’s No Crying at the Park
So looking forward to seeing what kind of sports my kid will like… and what kind of parent I will be!
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What about parents who push their little kids into playing, even though the kids are obviously disinterested and would much rather be painting? These kids can usually be found in left field.
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Two-Line Tuesday: Mini Horse Race
Very well summed up. I cannot wait for summer so I can not talk to anyone in town until September!!!!!
I’ve hung out with too many of these type of parents. How about the ones who are helicopter parents and just sit there and ramble all about their kids teachers and how they are infuriated with them for giving their child an A minus in one of their AP classes.
UGH. BLEH. ACK. and. YACK.
That is a whole post in and of itself! Ellen
I love the picture of the boys with their heads caught in the net. Hee Hee
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Loved this, ladies! Very accurate descriptions of parents we all know and love…or love to hate. I especially love those slam dunk parents, but who doesn’t? 🙂
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