Ellen: One of the best parts about blogging is the opportunity for self-reflection…
Erin: …with an audience and a spotlight.
Ellen: So let it be known that these Sensible Moms recognize the irony…
With cameras this pretty, can you blame us for getting a little snap-happy?
Erin: …or, at the very least, the contradiction that while we have a “Love Our Nikons” category in our sidebar, the gorgeous pictures of our kids stay safely nestled on our hard drives.
Ellen: We could give you a little song and dance about the reasons why, but it’s summer—who has the time? And precious really does make us gag. The simple reason why our kids’ names are changed and their faces are veiled? They asked us to do it.
Erin: This decision to keep the kids anonymous definitely sparks some eye rolls and brings on some “tsk, tsk-ing” from those we know in our real lives as well as those we know on the interwebz.
There seems to be two camps on this issue of privacy. In one camp, there are the completely transparent, totally honest bloggers. You get it all and prettier pictures too. In the other camp, there are the rest of us, who think we are presenting it “real enough”. You can just thank us now for setting up camp where we did because if Ellen and I were in the first camp, you would be reading actual transcripts of our conversations.
Ellen: And trust us, you don’t want that.
"Thank you, Ellen and Erin! You have successfully negotiated world peace!"
Ellen: We are not so naive as to think that someone couldn’t find us if they had enough gumption to execute five mouse clicks, but dang it, our blog is not going to pop up when future employers Google our kids’ names.
We’re just not going to lay out SEO terms for them; they’re going to have to work for it.
Erin: This decision for anonymity also stems from the fact that we didn’t start our blog until many of our peeps were fully formed people (albeit small people) with ideas of their own (Oh, the joy of the self-actualized child!!). We didn’t have to imagine what it would be like for them to have opinions about what we wrote, because they gave it to us. By the bucketfuls.
Ellen: Quite frankly, their mothers could have taught them to use a little more tact, but we get it. Some of our kids already have their own Facebook pages and therefore their own online identities. We are dancing, if not in the same ballroom, in the same hotel.
Erin: One of our parenting principles is to respect our kids by respecting their boundaries. Our job is to guide ’em and grow ’em, not take their mess viral. Occasionally, they even thank us for this!
Ellen: It stems from the understanding that our kids, while ours, don’t really belong to us and that includes their identities and their stories. They are people first and blog material second.
I still wince when I remember what I overheard my mom share about my life over the phone. I thank the Guardian Angels of Adolescence that she did not have access to the internet.
Erin: Dooce, the “Queen of Mommy Bloggers”, who makes millions, gets 100,000 hits a day, and has been blogging since 2002 said this to her family:
“I will never write anything that I wouldn’t say to your face, with 50 people watching.”
Ellen: Um, ditto. If it’s good enough for Dooce, then it’s good enough for us. She had to learn the hard way. We’re going to learn from her missteps.
Erin: The only thing I would add in regards to our kids is this: “I will never tell your story without your approval.” The people who know us best aren’t fooled by our thin aliases. They know EXACTLY who we are offering up on a platter.
Please don't tell them they have this much power. They're already hard to live with.
Ellen: The veto stamp has already altered our writing. We wrote an article about setting boundaries with your kids and how “No” is your friend. It had great balance between the girl and boy perspective.
Erin: But in the end, my son Ace (15), just didn’t want us to share his anecdote.
Ellen: It was an anecdote that complemented the story I shared about Coco (13), but since he didn’t want it told, we cut it.
Erin: And it changed the flavor of the post. People still responded to the piece in the ways we had hoped they would, but it missed out in one big way: we lost the point that these issues affect boys too.
Ellen: So now some poor souls are wandering around thinking they are off the drama hook, because they only have sons.
Erin: I almost feel guilty.
Ellen: We may have done the blogosphere a disservice with that one, but we did our kids a righteous.
Erin: Another big reason we don’t show our kids’ faces is that although we are moms who blog—our blog itself is not primarily about our children. It is, at its heart, about the great human experience of parenting, about friendship as the salve that makes this experience a whole lot easier, and even a little about being a woman in the world today.
Ellen: So I MIGHT have just felt my gag reflex tickled, but really, it’s true.
Erin: Whatever. We sensible girls really dig trying to find the humor in the mundane and familiar. Fourteen years at home with your kids will really do that to you.
Ellen: In fact, when we came up with our idea to start a blog, we batted around a couple of different ideas, but they all boiled down to this one: the idea that funny and sensible are not mutually exclusive.
Erin: So our goal is to share our sensibility and to entertain with our humor. We crack each other up constantly. It’s time the rest of you got in on the fun. We are just not going to do it at the expense of our kids.
Ellen: Or our relationships with them. We can always decide to share more, but we can never erase what is released. Because even more so than diamonds, the internet is forever.
How 'bout this for real? We took pictures of the backs of our kids' heads before we started blogging. They are gorgeous from all angles.
Y’all rock. For serious. I started writing before my kids got a vote. Sadly, now they try to have one from time to time. The four year-old more than the eight year-old ironically. It is a balance and one that I will continue to face as someone who has not hidden their identities or faces.
I really enjoy everything you say and the way you say it. 🙂
thedoseofreality recently posted..Wh(Y) Chromosomes?—Causing Trouble Since 2011
Right back at ya! I find myself looking forward to my “dose of reality”—we are kindred souls, for sure! Thanks, Erin
I agree. While I share pictures of my kids, I chose to use their nicknames instead of their full names and I never ever disclose our last name. I don’t want them to be google-able later on to employers and such. Plus we had the added issue of dealing with birth parents. I know it’s still a risk but I try to minimize it as best I can. I try to do the same as you, never post anything about them without their approval. With the smaller ones, it’s not really an issue. But the 11 year old doesn’t want me telling potty training stories about him. Haha! It’s a balance that has to be maintained. I refrain from telling stories that aren’t mine to tell as much as possible. Sometimes it’s hard though, especially when I have a really juicy tidbit just begging to be blogged. Sigh.
Delilah recently posted..He Said, She Said: True Stories
I so related to the part where you had a great anecdote but were vetoed by the kid who said it. I hate when that happens!! Lol! I do use my children’s names but we do have a veto policy, also my husband edits my posts so there have been a few times where I wrote something and it felt really important to the piece but my editor cut it out!! I also would never print anything that i would not want my kids to read today, tomorrow or 30 years from now. Thanks for a great piece!!
Kathy Radigan recently posted..Kathy & The Dishwasher’s Excellent Adventure
Funny enough, I have a similar post sitting in my box as yet unpublished. I started with all my stuff out there and then had a small scare that made me change all the names. It’s interesting to hear why bloggers make the choices they do. Thanks for sharing!
Agree! Like! Yes! I write so much more about parenting than I do about my kids day-to-day lives. And I hope, when they are older, they’ll let me know if I’ve overstepped. But I try hard not to.
In the meantime, at least poop stories are told under aliases.
Ninja Mom recently posted..I See What You Did There, Line Cutter.
I write less about the 11 yr old than I used to. He’s not as cute, for one thing because now he’s just like a…a person rather than fodder. Dang it. The 7 yr old is still sort of fair-ish game, but I’m also aware that more people know who I am – my thin laughable attempt at an alias has fallen sort of wayside-ish – and so writing about my kids seems less fair b/c I’m not sure they’d like all our friends and neighbors to know all about them. Of course, I use their real names. So I don’t have a clear line of reasoning on this one. Anne Lamott’s advice – which has come at me from two directions in the last three days, interestingly – is that if you’re going to write, you write your own story & if others don’t like how they’re portrayed, well, they shouldn’t have misbehaved. Mostly that’s true – except maybe a little bit less true for kids, who misbehave b/c they are supposed to, more or less.
deborah l quinn recently posted..nuns on a bus
Well, I think you ladies know I abandoned my old blog and started Honest Mom because I got uncomfortable with people in my town judging me and my kids. I use aliases and never post my girls’ pictures. In fact, I just changed their names again on my blog because a Nosy McNosekins lady in my town started asking questions and I think she’s trying to figure out if I’m still blogging!
Everyone has a different opinion on the topic of blogging anonymously and whether it’s a copout or smart. I have an intensely private husband, a very sensitive 6yo daughter, and a
crazy, love bug 3yo whose personality is still developing. I live in a small, gossipy town. Blogging anonymously is right for me and my family. So that’s that. 🙂
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..Things I’m Afraid to Tell You
I don’t think there is anything wrong with the way you handle the blog-family relationship. And you said it – you are a parent first, a blogger second.
I would never post anything about my kids without their consent – and they DO have their opinions, believe me!
My kids are part of my blog, but they are not “everything” on there. I share about them and about myself and like to have a balance… I think that as they grow up, there might be less on them on my blog and they start their own (they actually already have, but don’t want to do “public” yet ;))
Kerstin recently posted..Memories Captured in July
I try to post with the idea that I’m writing for my kids to read this blog as they become parents someday (a long, long, long time from now). I have a friend who adores her kids, but writes about them in such a way that I worry that they will hate her when they read it in the future. She pokes fun at them all for the sake of a few laughs.
I write funny stuff, but am always the butt of my own jokes. And, though I didn’t know Dooce’s rule, mine is the same — I won’t write it if I wouldn’t say it to you in a room full of people.
IASoupMama recently posted..My Selfish Fear
This was a great read. Man, you two are just so… sensible! 😉
I love Dooce’s rule. I’m really glad that you shared this post!
Dawn Beronilla recently posted..Don’t Worry, I’ll Never Forget.
I know both camps too well. I have blogging friends that live in both camps and I love and adore each of them equally. I live in both camps. Loving my own anonymity and dipping my toes into sharing more. Another blogger, I think it was Peanut Butter in My Hair wrote in her about me (something like) the this is her story to tell. Her children can tell theirs when they are ready. That really spoke to me and so did you words. I could not agree more with the quote you also used. I follow that rule as well. If I could tell someone what I’m writing with you I won’t write it. I never write anything that I would be ashamed of telling someone. Additionally I have had my husband read a couple of my posts before biting the publish button. It’s always important to make sure everyone is on board when we are sharing. Loved the post. I enjoy the dialogue between you two. Regardless if bloggers agree or disagree with your perspective it is such a great talking point! -LV
I agree there is no right/wrong way. I have kept it to first names. I blog about a wide variety of topics, only some of which are kids. My 8yo shows up a lot more than the teen (although he does not read my blog). Also, my last name is different. So, if they figure me out, they don’t necessarily get to my kids right away (might take more clicks).
Love it! I keep my husband private for this very reason too and as we venture into baby land, I will probably only share bits and pieces – approved by the whole family. Love this reminder!
Angela Shelton recently posted..Do You Have Healthy Sex – Plugged or Unplugged?
I’ve obviously taken a different path with my blog, but I certainly understand and can’t argue with your choice.
Joe (from Kellie’s World) recently posted..Auntie Linda