It was a lovely Girls Night Out. Good restaurant, good libations, and great friends… until someone brought IT up.
Ellen: The conversation was bubbling along. Everyone was laughing. News was being exchanged. Then someone said, “Did you know Andy Griffith passed away last week?” And YOU said. . .
Erin: ”I can’t stand Andy Griffith.”
Ellen: And then there was silence.
Erin: For about HALF a second. Before everyone lost their ever-loving minds on me. It was as if I had said “Why, yes, those jeans really do make you look fat”. I would never say that by the way, but the reaction might have been less hysterical if I did.
Ellen: But peacemaker that you are, you DID proclaim Opie to be a stupid name as a follow-up statement.
Erin: That MAY have dumped gasoline on the fire. Listen people, it rhymes with Dopey! It can’t just be me.
Who knew that Andy Griffith was gonna be the guy who turned me into a social pariah? I can’t believe this was the second group of people to lose their minds on me about our buddy from Mayberry.
Ellen: I CAN’T BELIEVE you brought it up again after you nearly reduced your friend’s July 4th party to an emotional maelstrom of rending garments and gnashing teeth.
Erin: It was like I had spit on the flag and apple pie.
Ellen: Just to clarify she did NOT spit on the flag OR apple pie. Focus your hate mail on the topic at hand: The Andy Griffith Show.
Erin: I MAY have pushed everyone to the brink when I said, “If he wasn’t already dead, I would shoot him myself.”
Ellen: What in the name of Goober is WRONG with you?
Erin: You know how when a Great White Shark senses blood in the water and just starts snapping its jaws at everything. The group outrage frenzy might have made me react a little more strongly than I would have liked. Or it could have been the Whiskey Sour Slushes.
Ellen: This analogy might be more accurate if the shark actually bites its own butt. You shot yourself in the foot not once, but TWICE with Barney Fife’s revolver. This is really hard to do considering he had only one bullet.
But on this night, I had your back. I agreed with you because I always found the whole show, well, patronizing.
Erin: Exactly! We both grew up in small podunk towns. Heck, when I was a little girl I lost my chicken in the grocery store and we barely got home before the phone was ringing with a helpful townsfolk wanting to return it.
Ellen: Wait. Are we talking about a real chicken or pre-packaged?
Erin: Neither. It was a stuffed animal lovey.
Ellen: Okay, because if you had lost a live chicken in a public store and had a neighbor call to return it, we could just end this discussion right here. You would have total rights to bust on Mayberry until the cows come home.
Erin: But since that is not the case, we decided to do a little research to see if our disdain is misplaced. It has been decades since either one of us was force-fed an episode. We’re stirring pots based solely on the aftertaste this silly show left in our mouths before we were even able to drive down Main Street.
Ellen: So we did the Sensible thing: we set a soccer ball in motion to occupy the kids, looked up this episode on You Tube at random…
Erin: And quite frankly waited in anticipation to be proven correct.
Erin: The conclusion? I have been outcast because people can’t handle the truth!
Ellen: Golllll-y, I hope y’all didn’t actually watch that video because it was just as sexist, podunk, and patronizing as we remembered.
Erin: In the episode, a traveling British valet…
Ellen: On a bike no less..
Erin: ...bumbles into Mayberry and causes a vehicular accident.
Ellen: Translated—The Brit’s wrong-side-of-the-road cycling causes a beater truck to smash into empty crates. At 5 mph. Causing “damage” to the primer paint job.
Erin: He does not have the cash to pay for the damage, so Andy has him come to his home to work off the debt.
Ellen: What is more American apple pie than making someone your INDENTURED SERVANT!?! Ever heard of due process, Matlock?
Erin: So blundering misunderstandings ensue and the indentured servant overhears Barney and Andy talking about him…
Ellen: Like 12 year old girls. Wait, that is insulting to 12 year old girls.
Erin: Well, it’s definitely not icon worthy behavior.
Ellen: The Englishman skulks off, Andy chases him down, and, I swear, talks to him like he is one pancake short of a stack to convince him to come on back to his house.
Erin: This is a man he left Dopey home alone with for two entire days.
Ellen: It’s Opie. Listen, Ron Howard lost his childhood to this show. I feel uncomfortable busting on him.
Erin: I think he’s okay. He’s had some achievements since then.
Ellen: True. Well, one positive revelation we had is that Don Knotts is freakin’ hilarious.
Erin: Maybe he’s the reason we didn’t puke on our TV trays when we were forced to watch this malarkey.
Ellen: So, I’m just going to say it, and I’m probably going to regret it: Erin was right.
Erin: We are standing firm that The Andy Griffith Show is not sacred and is fair game to be ridiculed.
Legal Department: The views expressed in this post are solely those of Ellen and Erin and not those of the entire Sisterhood. There is full expectation that the Girls’ Night Out dog pile will continue in the comment section. Carry on.
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski