“Mom, I threw up”
These words drag me from the disorienting sludge of shortened slumber. As I crack the surface of 4 AM consciousness, my dread is joined by horror as I remember…
WE ARE HAVING A SLEEPOVER.
Ellen: There I was tip-toeing through a quagmire of adolescent bodies to the far corner of the basement with my 11 year old daughter solemnly guiding my footfalls as if we were traversing rope bridges on our way to golden treasure.
Erin: Wake up, Sister, because that seems awfully poetic for what actually went down.
Ellen: Okay, so I was stomping on fingers and crushing toes, crinkling my plastic grocery bags all the way, stumbling to get to the pile of chunder. There may have been some muttered swearing.
Erin: May have been?
Ellen: Whatever. While I deserve pity, you can hold onto it. As I’m dislodging dripping blankets and cleaning vomit off a foot attached to a miraculously still sleeping child, all by the glow of a dying flashlight, I had time to reflect that…
THIS WASN’T EVEN MY WORSE SLEEPOVER EXPERIENCE!
Erin: Get out!
Sleepwalking Authenticity Tip: Don’t Hold Your Arms Out!
Ellen: That prize belongs to the Sleepover of 2009 with the fake sleepwalking event.
Erin: Oh. My. Blessed. Psychopaths.
Ellen: Once again I am dragged from sleep, this time with the awful words “Clementine hurt herself.”
Erin: That is one bad wake-up.
Ellen: I know! I fly down the stairs to find Clementine on the floor twitching. Ten pairs of hysterical eyes turn towards me as I’m blasted with a cacophony of hysteria that blew my hair back.
Erin: Was she having a seizure!?!
Ellen: Just wait. Story was that Clementine was sleepwalking and then fell down on the ground twitching.
Erin: Holy crap! Were you freaking out?
Ellen: No, because I was in the presence of the most artfully laid out “passed out seizing person” I had ever seen. And her “seizures” were dissynchronous flailing.
Erin: In English, please.
Ellen: She wasn’t doing it right. She hadn’t even been asleep long enough to be in the stage of sleep for sleepwalking.
Erin: Score one for the MD.
My skating was bad because of the shoelace! You can see the truth in my Maybelline spackled eyes.
Ellen: Um, no. My quick diagnosis was my undoing. I should have called her bluff and called her mom to pick her up, but all I could hear was the Siren song of my bed. So I went to peel her eyelid back, prompting her to spring higher than a June bug on a hot griddle, and proclaimed her a faker.
Erin: She was having a serious Tonya Harding moment.
Ellen: You got the picture right. But Clementine stuck to her story, the girls were freaked out, and many thought I was a bit of a slacker mom. Months later she came clean, but to this day I can’t understand why she would take a practical joke so far as to get me involved. She knew me well. She knew I did not suffer fools.
Erin: When I was a kid, we did everything in our power to keep the parents out of our business.
Ellen: I know. Crazy.
Erin: Well, I see your Münchausen Maestra and raise you some Male Melodrama. We still refer to the Guitar-Hero-Head-Bashing-Daniel-San-Channeling-Mommy-Tattling-Cluedog-Erin-Cell-Phone-Debacle of 2010 as the Mother of all Mishaps.
Why you gotta hate on llamas?
Ellen: Oh my. So drama is not only for girls and llamas?
Erin: Noooo! Less than TWO hours into my then 14 year old son’s sleepover birthday party, I receive not one but two phone calls from mothers.
Ellen: Come again?
Erin: It seems that in the ten minutes it took for me to set up the trough to feed the herd, Boregard allegedly kicked Bubba in the head while he was playing Guitar Hero.
Can’t you tell by his face that it was an accident?
Ellen: Well, I do understand the tendency to rock out whole-body-style during Guitar Hero, but . . .
Erin: Just wait. This gets better. So not only was there alleged physical violence, but both boys immediately called their Mommies UNBEKNOWNST TO ME who proceeded to then call me. At the same time. Yes, call-waiting was involved.
Ellen: At this point, were you checking for spy-cams?
Erin: I had a disorienting Twilight Zone moment for sure. The whole situation broke me. I now think, without any trace of irony, that we should relegate sleepovers to the status of renewing your license—once every four years.
Ellen: Awww, come on. There are ways to put lipstick on this pig.
Erin: Confiscate cellphones with the fervor of a TSA agent when confronted with 4 ounces of shampoo?
Ellen: No. Put your rubber gloves away, but you might want to have your plan in place for how you are going to handle technology before the guests bust down the door. Really it can all be summed up in one Sisterhood Secret . . .
Erin: Right! Always remind your child (before and during the party) that if things are getting out of hand, they can quietly slip away and get you to be the heavy without any indication that ratting out took place. A little reminder of the rules makes for an excellent escape hatch.
Ellen: In addition to that epic piece of advice that is good for more than just sleepovers, we’ll leave you with one more–Stock up on some ear plugs.
Hahhaa sounds like sleepovers are NOT worth it. But as a kid, they were just so so sooooo much fun! The cell phone thing is weird. Brings tattling to a whole new level.
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So funny! Oh how I wish I were the one sleeping over again. It is no fun tip toeing through drooling and drama… sigh
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I totally agree. The sleepover part is the best. . .when you are the attendee. Erin
Oh I love this. It brought back some delightful memories of my own annual slumber parties when I was growing up, and gave me a little insight into what my parents must have gone through each and every January, when they were crazy enough to let me have 15 of my “closest” friends come over to celebrate my birthday by laying sleeping bags in the living room. I love the alternating voices, and the picture you paint of tiptoeing (or not) through all the kids. Very well done.
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You’ve made me feel a little better. Our largest sleepover to date has been 20 guests. Oy. Ellen
Hosted a sleepover last month with 4 pre-adolescent boys….they must have been too naive!!!
Loved this post!!! Thanks for making me laugh hysterically!!!
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I think your limited guest list might have been a factor. You are a wise woman and we should follow your lead. 🙂 Ellen
Ooh, I guess I’ve been lucky so far with my teen’s (boy) basement sleepovers. Sure, I get wet towels all over the floor, candy wrappers, soda cans and other various forms of garbage–or sometimes a half-eaten cake mixed with male teen odor. But never have I had parents call or vomit or fake sleepwalking, at least not yet…
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You know you just jinxed yourself, right? Ellen
Oh, how stupid was that?!
Stacie @ Snaps and Bits recently posted..Honestly, Ma’am
Please tell me how to avoid this in the future. I never want to deal with them. This was hilarious and your pictures were perfect. Ya’ll are great. I love how you play off each other. Well done. Great post.
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Limiting the guest list and having the attendees and their mothers fill out background check forms might help. Might. Ellen
I must confess that I have never had a sleepover for my 7 year old daughter, and I may not ever after reading this!! 🙂
Seriously, I wish sleepovers just didn’t exist. I just don’t want to deal with other people’s kids for that long of a time. My limit, at this point, is a two hour playdate. I’m mean, I know. You guys are hilarious. Thanks for the laugh today!
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Seven is really young. The longer you can wait, the better. I was not so wise and began sleepovers when my oldest turned 8. When they were that young, though, I think I made pick-up time somewhere around 9:30. Get your things and get out. 🙂 Ellen
Well, this post ensures that I will never want to host a sleepover. This sleepover business sounds like a traumatic event and if one of the kids faked a seizure (I am not a doctor) there would be ambulances all over that shiznit.
Maybe I will make my house a sleepover free zone!
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Our work here is done. 🙂 Ellen
That is the badge of two good moms — sleepover hosts. My 11 year old had one for her birthday this year. Luckily the girl that always wants to go home in the middle of the night – went ahead and asked to be taken to her home while we were driving home after dinner. That would not have been fun. I appreciate a sleepover guest who knows her limitations.
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I am jealous. Ellen
I don’t think I even enjoyed sleepovers when I was a kid. They’re nightmares. Social engagements where the guests *will not leave* and *stick around for breakfast*. I shouldn’t complain, though, ’cause at least mine never involved fake seizures or Guitar Hero violence. (Well, ok, Guitar Hero violence was never in the cards when I was a kid, so…no Nintendo controller violence?)
Bless you for surviving these trials. Thank you for making the funny for our reading pleasure.
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Aw, thank you. We have MANY more to go. I’m praying that none of them supply me with further blog fodder. Ellen
I think moms who have homes that have sleepovers should get trophies or something. I really do. Great post. (-:
We had our first sleepover last year for the 10th bday and a little girl wanted to go home and so in the middle of the night her mom drove the 40 mins to get to us and by the time she arrived the little girl had gone back to sleep and the mom left – that’s love isn’t it? (-:
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The very definition of it. 🙂 Ellen
One of the moms last year had ALL TEN third grade girls over for an end of the year sleepover. We brought her wine. Great story. Genre’s horror, right? 🙂
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Stephen King has nothing on us.
BTW, my maximum guest list to date has been 20 girls. Why yes, I am gunning to win a non-existent pissing contest. 🙂 Ellen
Sleeplessovers, I call ’em. And the mothers CALLED YOU? I mean, they weren’t somewhere, phoneless and dancing around that they’d palmed their kid off on someone else for the night? Sheesh. Thus far (knock wood), I’ve avoided mass sleep-ins and vomit. But my kids are young… I tremble with the thought of what’s to come.
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As Erin said, we kept the parents out of our business at my sleepovers. And most all I remember is trying to conjure spirits and levitating. Good times.
Yes, “Light as a feather, stiff as a board.” They still do that. I just wish they would keep me out of it. 🙂 Ellen
Oh, man! I am *not* looking forward to this phase of parenting. When I was 13 we snuck out of the house and T.P.’d the whole neighborhood. Someone called the cops. How do I counteract this karma?
You might be a wee bit, how shall I say this, “in for it.” Buckle up. 🙂 Ellen
Oh, jesus. Hosting sleepovers sounds miserable. Or maybe kids are more tattle-tale-y these days? I barely remember interacting with any parents at sleepovers- they dropped a few pizzas in the middle of us and went to their room.
That right there! That’s what I want. Minimal interaction. And sleep. Ellen
I feel your pain. We discontinued the practice of large sleepovers after the last two. One girl tried to walk through our sliding glass doors (blood was involved) and the last a girl who didn’t know how to swim (at the age of 13) fell in the pool. We are done. Two friends at the most. That’s it.
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You are right there with us with the battle scars. Oy. I didn’t even go into all of the things that have been broken during these things. One of our guests went through the screen door. Only casualty, the door. Now I count myself lucky. Ellen
Suckalicious indeed. I helped my sister with a birthday sleepover for my niece – once. Raucous adventure, and I was wiped out for two days, but it went well. It’s a brave thing to do, I think, a rite of passage. So good for you. As always I enjoyed your humor, and you gotta love your alternating voices, at least I do.
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Thank you because since you’ve hung with us for a while, you know the alternating voices is really our core style. It’s us.
And you deserve a medal for assisting! I’m serious! I’ve never had anyone offer to help. You are Aunt of the Year. Ellen
Oh, great, so THIS is what I get to look forward to when Edem is older! Thanks for the warning. Fun presentation style with this one!
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Hey, send them to sleepaway camp. Biggest sleepover ever. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll break them from ever asking for one at your house.
P.S.- I would be VERY interested to know if THAT suggestion actually works. lol Ellen
This is hysterical! I don’t remember sleepovers being so much of work for my mum 😛 Must make a mental note to never speak of sleepover to kids these days LOL
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I am so happy that sleepovers are a thing of the past for me. I don’t even know why they are called sleep overs. No one, including us as the parents, ever got any sleep.
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They do wreck the entire weekend. For. Sure. Ellen
I am a bit of a hard-ass about sleepovers. We do them for birthdays and every so often for other special occasions. But. That. Is. It. So not worth the drama and sleep deprivation.
This was hilarious! I cannot believe the fake sleepwalking/seizure episode. Unreal!
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Yeah, I couldn’t make that stuff up. Big ol’ sleepovers are definitely special occasion in my house, too. I’m not a sadist. 🙂 Ellen
Oh, lord… vomit at a sleepover? That would be my worst nightmare. I come unglued over vomit. Oy!
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Apparently so does Erin. 🙂 But it happened to me and at least it was my own child. Ellen
I think I’d punish my kid if he called me from a sleepover to tattle on someone else who was at the sleepover!
Great advice on the reminder to slip away – I love that idea.
Funny, as always!!
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Appropriate response! And THAT is why you are one of our faves! Ellen
You have officially scared me away from sleepovers. Poor little Ruby will have to live without.
Haha, oh God I remember the sleepovers we used to have as kids, and why my kids will never ever ever have them.
Sorry for the vomit and crazed child, but at least you got a great story out of it!
Haha.
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This cracked me up. With 3 kids, we host a sleepover a week. Have not yet had the sleepwalker or the vomiting kid yet. Can’t wait! We have had the kid who overflowed the toilet with too much poop and toilet paper. That was a hoot. And the kid that wakes everyone up at 5am because he’s wide awake. That was joyful too.
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Strange that the kids would get you involved in the Clementine prank. The best part of a sleepover is not having parents around.
That being said, I was so annoyed with the kids at my 10th birthday party/sleepover that I went upstairs and slept in my bed, leaving them in the basement to fend for themselves.
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Oh man I was already dreading the time when my kids are old enough to have their messy little friends stay the night but now you’re telling me I might have to deal with Tonya Harding types? And llamas?
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I cannot stop laughing. This post KILLS ME!!!
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You had me at the Tonya Harding pic. Laughed so, so hard…with you, not at you. What horrors! Note to self: sleepovers are da debil! 🙂
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I love this! I’m gonna go ahead and say that I hate sleepovers, particularly those involving more than one kid. Nothing good happens with those higher numbers. The way we did my 11-year-old’s birthday was the best option, if the sleepover has to happen – we went to a hotel. At least it meant no mess at home, and a definite start and end time because one of the other things I hate about a sleepover is the kid who never leaves!
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You and Ellen are both brilliant. She had her daughter’s party in a hotel too. Pure genius. I mean, if you have to have a sleepover, having staff to clean it up is pretty smart. Erin
Hilarious, though I’m not sure you thought so at the time. My boys are still little but I imagine there will be a plethora of drama as they get bigger and request sleepovers. Yikes!!! Visiting from Finding The Funny! 🙂
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After all of that, as much as I want to comment about the horrors of sleepovers gone bad (even when they’re kinda funny), I can’t stop giggling at the Tonya Harding reference because now I’m hearing Nancy Kerrigan scream “whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”.
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