Ellen: The first thing that comes to my mind is to thank My Higher Power that Pinterest was not in existence.
Erin: I know! That mess really raises the bar.
Ellen: And what about the reality shows on TLC that turn your wedding into a competition? Have you seen Four Weddings?? Your wedding is judged by three other snarky bridezillas. On a score card. Didn’t TLC use to stand for “The Learning Channel”?
Erin: I guess they are now schooling us in nervous breakdowns. But I guess in comparison, Pinterest isn’t so bad. It’s just pretty things and good ideas, right? What’s the harm in that? There’s no actual judging.
Ellen: Oh, I think there’s judging, but maybe it would have made wedding planning easier. Alright, let’s embrace it and share with future brides how to…
Pin Your Way to Wedding Perfection in 10 Easy Steps
1. It all starts with the RING. How do you know that your man loves you if he doesn’t go into major debt right out of the gate. I mean, it won’t affect you until you want to buy silly things like a house or a car. Credit scores can be fixed like carbon footprints, right?
2. Next you have to find a date. But that depends on when your desired VENUE is available. An extravagant venue is a must, so whatever date is open, grab it! Even if it is Election Tuesday in November. Hey, people might already be off from work, right?
3. Well, your wedding is an important day. It should be a priority in all of your guests’ lives. So get those SAVE THE DATE CARDS out now! Before people do silly things like get pregnant or develop appendicitis. This card will lock your guests in! By all means, involve a professional photographer because it’ll be worth it. More guests = More gifts!
4. But saving the date is not enough! You must have the perfect INVITATION calligraphied by hand on the finest English parchment. People are going to cherish these. There is no way they will be used as coloring material by a toddler or chewed up by a dog. This is an important document. Money must
not be spared in its creation. And if you could add feathers or confetti, it would just put it over the top. People love to open envelopes and have trash fall out on their floors.
5. And while you’re on a tree killing spree (remember you can pay to have your carbon footprint fixed), get those PROGRAMS made. The more elaborate and time consuming to make, the better! In fact, make them by hand. Just think, if you’re getting married outdoors, they can stand-in as fly swatters. Double duty!
And while you’re getting those printed, spent an hour or 23 on making some FAVORS! Remember the top three criteria guests are looking for in a favor: 1) fragility 2) actual loose dirt 3) the tantalizing chance of killing it.
6. And we haven’t even gotten to the DRESS. If you don’t have the perfect dress, your wedding, nay, your life will be ruined. By all means, travel somewhere to purchase it where the trip alone costs $1000. And if a loan has to be involved to buy it, you know you are doing it right. This is important stuff. You’re going to wear it for 10 hours of your life. And if part of it is see-through, you will make your grandpappy proud.
7. And you aren’t the only one who needs to look fancy. BRIDESMAID DRESSES will make or break your wedding. By all means, drag all eleven girls over three states in the course of four months to find that delightful creation in the perfect shade of floral. Three car payments is not too much to spend. They love you and besides, they’ll be able to wear it again.
8. FLOWERS! Your flowers must be perfect. If the orchid that exactly matches the salon highlights in your hair only grows in the Amazon in a pygmy hummingbird nest, a villager can find it and ship it to you. Express! And if they can’t … well that is unthinkable.
And when you have perfect flowers, you must have the perfect CAKE. Think of it as art that gets coronated to the porcelain throne 8 hours later. Why yes, those gold flakes accenting the icing flourishes would be a good investment.
9. And this all must be recorded for posterity. Make sure you get at least 5 references for your PHOTOGRAPHER and if he is really any good, he will let you crash his other clients’ wedding so you can see him in action. And make sure his settings are avant garde, difficult to access, and far away from your reception venue because 4 hours is not too long to make your guests wait to eat. And your pictures need to be better than your cousin Betty’s. Because Betty is a biotch.
10. Wake Up! We didn’t embrace this list, we strangled it. This is all PINTERSHIT. It is the marriage that is important, not the wedding. Do what makes you happy, but do it within your means. Celebrate, but don’t go insane. You’re going to look gorgeous even if your dress doesn’t cost 10 grand. Do not max your credit card out on favors. They end up in the trash. Yes, even those precious love song CDs. It’s 2012, no one listens to CDs anymore. Sheesh. Just stick to a budget and focus on your relationship.
If couples spent half as much time discussing their values and goals with each other as they did pouring over the reception menus, maybe the divorce rates would not be so high.
Don’t be this girl.
Follow our lead instead.
Erin and Steve, 16 Years
Note from Ellen: I literally had to take a picture of Erin’s album to get her wedding picture on this post. “Scanner not hooked up … don’t have a lot of pictures because the photographer went bankrupt … blah, blah, blah.” I purposely did not crop my feet out in protest of Erin’s pain-in-the-rearness.
Ellen and Frank, 19 Years
If you are lucky enough to live in the Pacific Northwest near the fabulous Stasha, pin her, reserve her, hire her as your photographer. She is totally worth it. And sane. View her work at Stash B. Photography.
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski