10 Things We Would Do Now As New Moms
So a really crappy thing happened to the Sisterhood this weekend: Ellen had to have urgent surgery for what they thought was a twisted ovary, but turned out to be appendicitis. Besides being in severe pain, she was also not around to make our List together—something we really love doing every week (Thanks, Stasha!).
This was the list we had decided upon before they put her on heavy doses of pain meds. Out of respect to my dear fallen friend, I am honoring the list, but obviously without the full input (we really do talk about this stuff) of my blogging buddy and tempered by a heavy dose of sentimentality.
We both have our oldest “babies” in high school now, so time has marched on, taught us a few things, and even had its way with us. Time has also dealt us a healthy dose of perspective and if we were to go back in time and meet our younger selves, these are the . . .
10 Things We Would Do Now as New Moms
1. Chill out. Looking back at how worked up I could get about certain things (milestone meeting, potty-training, and early school stuff), I cringe for my younger me. Time has taught me that babies who walked at 8 months don’t look any different than those who first walked at 15 months when they are entering kindergarten. I could have used a nice telephoto lens into the future back then. . . or a back rub and a glass of wine.
2. Trust the Momma instincts. I second-guessed myself a lot back then. Time has proven to me that my gut instincts where my kids are concerned are dead on. I truly didn’t learn this lesson until my 4th child was born. Something was just “off” with him, and I was worried—that deep, sick-in-my-stomach, can-barely-say-the-words-aloud kind of scared—about what could be wrong.
I burst into the doctor’s office at his one year check-up, held my head up, and laid out my case. And, wonder of wonders, this beautiful doctor did not dismiss any of my concerns. As it turned out, Deacon had really, really poor eyesight correctable with glasses. From the moment that baby held my face in his hands when he finally saw me through his new glasses, I have been a new mom. I would love to hug the younger me and tell her just how smart and capable she was.
3. Read Mom Blogs. My first baby was born in 1997. We barely did email back then. The online support and verification that my kids were NOT, despite all the evidence I was amassing, the spawn of Satan would have been extremely helpful and comforting. The lovely network of mothers supporting and encouraging one another through this big adventure would have been oh so welcome. . .
4. Find a Flock. . . . As was the very real, very supportive network we found in our local MOMS Club. Finding another mom that is right with you on the road is so important—birds of a feather and all that. You can all muddle through this parent thing together. And misery DOES love company.
6. Play, Play, Play. I played a lot with my kids, but this easy time with toys and silliness is over way too soon. Savor every minute.
7. Get a Decent Haircut. I couldawouldashoulda have taken a little more time for me from the very beginning. I had 3 kids in 3 years, and my needs were deadlast in every equation. Looking back, this was a mistake in every respect. I let my family consume me, and it showed. Once I decided to take some time for me and scheduled some time for that decent haircut, I also developed the confidence that I was on the right track.
8. Write Down All the Funny Things My Kids Said. I have always been a fairly decent recorder of our lives. I even tried scrapbooking for awhile until Baby #4 came along. But I wish, wish, WISH that I had kept a notebook with me at all times and gotten every last scrap of adorable and funny. Kids get big and beautiful and strong and competent, but they definitely lose their cute factor and you miss it when it’s gone. It would be nice to have every last morsel to savor when those days are behind you.
9. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! I had a honeymoon baby nine months after I moved to Maine. I had a few people I knew from work, but no real support network AT ALL. This is something I would definitely insist upon doing now.
I would definitely take Ellen’s advice to get a babysitter at least twice a month so my husband and I could have a break simultaneously. As Ellen said, “Without the drudgery of the kids strangling you both, you can remember why you brought them into this world and discover that you do still like each other. This is a suggestion that usually draws a lot of protest from new moms, but I can’t stress its importance enough. Maybe I could convince everyone that it is easier than a mental breakdown?” Amen, Sister!
10. Appreciate the moment. It seems silly to explain this one, but I would ssssssllllllloooooowwwww down. I would breathe in their little baby smells until I couldn’t NOT smell them. I would just really, really look at them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Ellen once said that mothering infants and toddlers was the hardest thing she ever did, and she did time in a trauma center. Stay strong, Sisters.
Thank you again to Stasha for her Monday Listicles—our favorite way to start our week. And a big thanks to Christine at Random Reflectionz for her prompt. Head on over and check out her lovely blog with her “musings on life, love, and humanity.”
And a really, really, really big thank you to the blogging community and our friends who have been so supportive of Ellen during this health crisis. We appreciate all the thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes. Erin and Ellen
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski
Sending Ellen speedy recovery vibes! I’ve done the appendicitis thing and it ain’t pretty! i will go on record as saying the pain was worse than labor.
Enjoyed your list.
Robbie recently posted..Spreading Sunshine
Thanks, Robbie. We are hoping she is up to half-speed soon. Ellen’s half-speed is like most people’s normal. ; ) Erin
Great list! I was a very young mom when I had my first child. At just 18, I had no idea what in the world I was doing, and boy did I make a ton of mistakes. I always joke with people that my first 3 children (now ages 17, 14, & 12) were my experiments, as I was literally flying by the seat of my pants for quite a long time! The mom I was then, is not the same mom I am now to my 2 youngest (ages 5 & 23 months). The mom that I am now is more relaxed, confident, and parents based on the needs of herself and her children. I also pay less attention to other people’s opinions on how I should be raising my kids. I’ve learned that focusing too much on getting it right, sometimes has the opposite affect!
Flawed Mommy recently posted..Weekend Clutter Challenge: Embarrassing Myself Into Action (Who’s With Me?)
Well said. I love that last line. EXACTLY what I have learned too. Erin
I am so glad Ellen is on the mend. That must have been a huge shock!! Thinking of you Ellen!!
Great list girls. I could not agree more. I am actually still guilty of a couple of these (hello #9 ) but acceptance is a first step to getting better
Stasha recently posted..Monday Listicles
Thanks, Stasha. I still think #9 is hard too even with not one but two built-in babysitters. Erin
Love your lists and your friendship, both – I mean, the friendship that the two of you share with each other and with us, “your reading public.” Best wishes to Ellen as she recovers…bring her some juicy novels and maybe some candy corn (it’s easy to digest b/c it’s just high fructose corn syrup in an orange suspension).
deborah l quinn recently posted..Saturday’s Snapshot (surat al-sabat): لقطة السبت
Thanks! I think candy corn is exactly the sort of first meal Ellen has in mind. ; ) Erin
Sending healing vibes to you, Ellen!
Wonderful advice – mothering toddlers and infants IS hard. But I’ve learned with #1 to not worry about milestones (as long as they get there!) and all the other stuff parenting books tell you. With #2, I’m really enjoying the baby-ness. All of it.
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured – October Link Up!
I think #1 is probably the most important one. Honestly. Glad you are enjoying the babyness. It really is a special time. Erin
get well soon, Ellen
I think our generation not only has learned from the mistakes our parents and grandparents made, but have brought the alcoholism out in the open, for laughs.
seriously, the most important thing is put your kids’ health, safety and happiness first, but keep yours close by.
Lance recently posted..We Got The Beat
Seriously, Lance, LOVE that last line. Can I get a rewrite?? That is EXACTLY what I was trying to say. Thanks, Erin
I feel life forwarding this list to just about every mom I know. We can all benefit from your perspective, wisdom and insight (not to mention humor). Knowing my baby is my last – this alone – makes me stop and smell the “baby smell” a lot more than I did with the first. And given the parade of parenting advice it’s easy to forget to trust your instincts. I need to put this list on the fridge so I don’t forget any of it.
Sending Ellen lots of love and healing energy.
Kim at Mama Mzungu recently posted..Letting myself go.
Thanks, Kim, I think the trust your instincts one was the hardest for me too. Ellen is on the mend and will be up and slaying us with her humor again in no time. Erin
First of all, hope Ellen is feeling better…or at least on the really good drugs if she is not!
-Ashley
Secondly, this is a GREAT list! Amen to everything on it. Helpful to me, since my girls are still little enough that I can do some of this stuff before it is too late. Thank you!
thedoseofreality recently posted..Just Shoot Me!
HeeHee. I think the only good part of it for Ellen will be the chance to hang out and watch some crappy TV, but good drugs could also be a big plus.Glad you liked the list! Erin
Sending lots of positive thoughts Ellen’s way! Your list really resonated with me in many ways – my first baby was born in 1996. I wish I’d had a blog back then! Also, the writing things down. I actually thought of it and meant to do it but failed miserably. I’m sad about that still.
Stacie @ Snaps and Bits recently posted..10 Ways That My Life Is Different In NJ
I probably couldn’t have handled being a new mom AND a new blogger—I truly don’t know how some of the moms do it and I really, really wish I had every last morsel of kid awesome. Erin
I thank God for the wiser older mom I knew who told me to “put the book down!” it’s a hands on job and you learn on the job. because yeah, like you’ll remember at 3 am while the baby is screaming, your hubby is snoring and your toddler is trying to climb into your lap while your nursing What The Book Said.
If I only I could have turned off all that vocal unsolicited advice as easily!
Rorybore recently posted..The More Things Change….
I truly think you need to have a mom ahead of you on the road to show you the way. I would have found mine sooner for sure. Erin
Oh no! Feel better really soon, Ellen! Great list! I love your take on it this week. After 5 kids, the oldest now being 12, I can think of so many things I would do differently as a new mom. Most of them are on your list! Haha!
Delilah recently posted..Honoring Strength for Breast Cancer Awareness Month
Thanks, Delilah. Mothering is truly such a learn-as-you-go job. Erin
Oh wow, being a new mom sounds like a lot of work! I don’t know how you guys manage all of that ! =)
Anja recently posted..Ten Ways In Which I’m Still A Teenager
Duh! Published comment too soon. What I wanted to add: Hope Ellen gets well soon!
Anja recently posted..Ten Ways In Which I’m Still A Teenager
It IS work, but also play and well, when it’s your turn to do it, it’s something you really want to do. Erin
Sending healing thoughts to Ellen, hope she feels better soon.
Love your list – such wonderful points! I was nodding along the whole time!
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..I’ve Changed – 10 Things That Are Different About Me
Yay, the head nod in solidarity, that’s like the fist bump for girls. Erin
I love this list. Gawd, I was a psychopath when Taryn & John were little. I’m lucky I got another shot by having the second set ten years later -I’m wiser and lazier now.
I hope Ellen is back on her feet soon!
Bridget recently posted..Monday Listicles
Wiser and lazier usually means happier. Rock on. Erin
I love reading this list before I’m a mom – taking notes!
Angela Shelton recently posted..My Favorite Time of Year ~ Wordless Wednesdays
Thanks! Hope it helps. Erin
I often wish to have another child just because I now know and understand so much more. This list is bordering perfection!
Sperk* (Kimberly Speranza) recently posted..Five Ways I Am The Same, Five Ways I Am Different
Aww, you are too sweet. Erin
Such great and practical advice that I wish I had when the boys were little.
Hope Ellen is on the road to recovery! Diane
Diane recently posted..The Same or Different than My Younger Self… #Monday Listicles
Thanks. It is definitely advice we wish we had way back when. Erin
I do believe the only reason I still have my sanity as a mom is because of the relationships I have formed via the web. (Message boards especially!) I’m hoping with this third kid I have learned enough to relax and enjoy the ride of infancy as it does go by way too fast!
Feel better Ellen!
Jackie recently posted..What’s changed?
Thanks. By all means, enjoy the ride. Erin
Such a great list and I agree with every item. I so wish I had written things down, I cannot tell you. I kept a book by my bed but like you, three kids in four years, I never managed to put much in it as I fell asleep instantly. I would have loved to have read other mother’s wisdom about parenting as I was far from home and everyone I knew at the time. Great, great, great post!
Grown and Flown recently posted..Surviving High School, It Begins in Sixth Grade
Sounds like our early mothering years were very similar. Glad you liked the post! Erin
Amen about a hundred times over!! I wish I could go back and start again with everything I know now. Ok. Not really, but you know what I mean. And my current toddler is giving me gray hairs. That kid is going to kill me, I’m quite certain. I hope Ellen is on her way to recovery!
Thanks. Starting over sounds great for about five seconds until I realize that I am 15 years older. Erin
So sorry to hear about Ellen. I loved your list as usual. Isn’t it fascinating the way we develop more confidence the more kids we have and the older we get?
I remember reading What to Eat When You’re Expecting and giving up sugar…for about two weeks, when I decided that it was just not worth it! Same with all the parenting books. Some can be helpful, but they can also make you doubt your own instincts.
Marie recently posted..Some things change, and some things stay the same (Monday Listicles)
Thanks. Parenting books are really great for makeshift booster seats though. ; ) Erin
#5 is still really hard for me!
I hope Ellen feels better soon, that must have been a real scare! Hugs to you all.
Thanks! It WAS a surprise, but she is on the mend. Erin
#8 Definitely. I thought I’d never forget, but I have.
Ginger Kay recently posted..What Elwood taught me
Great, great list. Especially #10. I seem to realize how fast time moves so much more with our last one. She was born 5 years after our middle daughter and seeing that difference and how fast they change really made me appreciate all the little things more and savor the sweet moments just a bit longer. Hope Ellen feels better…
Susi recently posted..The same, yet different…
Sometimes I think all those parenting books do is turn us into bigger train wrecks. I had to learn the hard way to walk away from them! And the chilling out thing is SO hard, but SO necessary. It’s no wonder 2nd kids are way more chill–we’ve hopefully relaxed a bit more by then!
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Monday Listicles & A Whoops
Sending my love and wishes for a speedy recovery to Ellen!
And sending my love to you, Erin, for this post. Very insightful and I agree with every bit of it. Oh, the second-guessing…
heidi recently posted..reflection
I hope Ellen feels better soon! I love love love your list. And I really need to follow your advice! Seriously what is a date night?! And a haircut? say what?! Thank you for the reminders
Audrey recently posted..Birthday and Wine Tasting
Sending get well wishes to your partner! Loved this list. I am trying to soak in all those moments with my two daughters, while balancing me time (including watching some brainless TV). I am great at the scrapbooking part, but terrible at the writing stuff down (ironic, considering I love to write). I am now going to make a conscious effort. Thank you. One suggestion that ties into maybe #2 and #3 is to not worry about what other people think. If you’ve been in your sweats for two days, or you forgot deodorant – who cares! This is such a short window of time. I hold my little ones close and stare at their little faces…
Clearly Kristal recently posted..Poetic Moments
Really enjoyed your list! I agree with many of your mom experiences… and I always appreciate visiting your blog with such well-written and FUNNY posts! P.S. Glad the hospital trip was a success… and Kudos to being dedicated blogger moms and taking hospital bed pics to share! That rocks!
Lisa Nolan recently posted..Am I the Same 20-Something I Was? Or Am I Much More Awesome at 50?! {Monday Listicles}
I got one photo . . . after I was finally dosed with enough pain meds. The funny thing is, my husband said he knew how much pain I was in because I did not TOUCH my phone for about 10 hours.
Thank yo for the very kind compliments, too. Ellen