Helicopter Parents: Your Time Is Up

Ellen – Helicopter Parenting.

ErinIs Helicopter Parenting still even a topic? I feel like we were talking about this when our high schoolers were PRE-schoolers.

Ellen – Oh, the Helicopters are out in force, kicking up debris and whipping my bun past the point of stylishly messy. The problem is no one thinks they are THAT parent.

Hovering is not just limited to hiding in the bushes outside of your darling’s classroom.

ErinThe REAL problem is that middle and high schoolers are still being managed like five year olds, and those helicopter parents have transformed into “jet-powered turbo attack models.”

Ellen– We get that it is hard as a parent to pull back and realize your role as a parent is shifting.

ErinSideline sitting when you are used to being right in the action is hard for everyone. But the truth is that your child’s esteem is built in the small moments. It may seem easier to remove every obstacle in your child’s way and hover over the minutiae of their lives, but that loses sight of the end game.  

Ellen – Every time you solve a small potatoes problem for your child, you rob your child of the chance to learn from their failures. You rob them of developing resilience.

ErinFurthermore, you are sending the message loud and clear: You can’t handle this. I don’t trust you. You need me to fix this for you.

Ellen – So assuming that most parents don’t even realize they are swooping, let’s shine a spotlight on . . .

The Stealth Helicopter Parent

FLIGHT PATTERN 1

The Perception:

I don’t hover. My middle schooler is allowed to pick out her own clothes and even choose what goes into her lunch.

 The Reality:

You are allowing your child to make choices, but are you letting your child make decisions to solve problems?

The Example:

Ellen – I chaperoned for my daughter’s sixth grade overnight environmental camp. My group of girls was lucky enough to have a fabulous educator who not only taught the girls about the Chesapeake Bay, but showed them they had the power to figure things out. On their own.

Right after introductions, she asked the girls to count off. There were about eighteen of them, and they all just shouted out random numbers in unison.

The other chaperones around me twitched and started to jump in. But the educator was prepared for this, because she just held up her hands and firmly declared, “They can do this.”

Before succeeding, they made two more failed attempts, prompting a mother next to me to mutter, “This is ridiculous.”

I replied, “How so?”

“I just don’t have the patience for this. Just count them off and get on with the lesson,” she replied,clearly agitated.

I replied, “This IS the lesson.”

The Problem:

When you don’t let kids work through tasks and proceed through their failed attempts, you end up with kids that can’t even make simple decisions without checking in.

“Miss Ellen, where should I put my clothes while I take a shower?” Really??

FLIGHT PATTERN 2

The Perception:

I don’t do everything for my kids. My 12 year old has a chore chart. He must check off every box or he doesn’t get his allowance. He earns his gold stars.

The Reality:

Chore charts are great for teaching young children what needs to be done. They are wonderful at BUILDING competence, but at some point a child should know what his responsibilities are and be able to follow through when there is no box to be checked and no adult to please.

The Example:

ErinRecently, as chair of a school fundraising dinner, I had not one, but two, different adults come over to commend me on my fabulous hard-working middle-schooler. What earned him his 5 star review? He refilled the napkins and the silverware BY HIMSELF. WITHOUT being asked or directed by an adult. Many of the other kids just stopped setting places when the napkin and silverware bins were empty.

The Problem:

Really, this just makes us sad. How far we have fallen that the concept of an 11 year old displaying simple competence warrants such high praise? We need to expect more and stop accepting less. At some point, kids should not be working for gold stars but for the pleasure of a job well-done. Kids should be empowered to analyze what needs to be done, and then DO IT.

FLIGHT PATTERN 3

The Perception:

Well, it’s not like I’m writing my fourth grader’s essays for him.

The Reality:

But how much of a crutch are you for him in his schoolwork? Really?

The Example:

ErinI just let my 4th grader fail a science test, because he didn’t bring home his book to study.  The big problem was that he didn’t care that he forgot it. When I voiced my concerns, he blew me off with a simple “I’ll be fine, Mom.”  Did I drive him back to school to retrieve the book? Did we call a friend to ask for notes? Did we troll the internet for study guides? Nope, and while it was hard to watch his heart break when he showed us the big red “F” on his test, he was rocked by the experience. He has taken the reins and been charting his own course for success ever since.

The Problem:

Swooping in to solve a problem that a child doesn’t even care about just perpetuates the notion that he doesn’t HAVE to care, you’ll fix it for him. Caring takes effort. Letting a child experience how crappy failure feels SHOWS them that the effort to succeed is worth it. Elementary school is also a great place to not just learn school lessons, but life lessons as well. The stakes are low here, so failure is a perfectly acceptable option AS LONG AS you LEARN from it.

FLIGHT PATTERN 4

The Defense:

When we have a test, I have to make sure my middle schooler studies. There is nothing wrong with that.

The Reality:

“WE” have a test? Give your child the tools to succeed, but then turn them loose to use them at their discretion.

The Example:

Ellen – Last year, my eighth grader decided that despite all she had been taught and shown, she was going to study for her Geometry test by flipping through proofs on the computer instead of working out problems.

I said, “This is not how you have been taught to study. This is not going to work, but I am now going to walk away and let you make your own decision.”

I painfully tore myself away. And she received a D . . . plus. But from that point forward, she started to be a true believer in proper study habits. I now have a freshman who is succeeding under her own steam with the permanent transcript recording away.

The Problem:

Taking responsibility for your child’s wins and losses takes away two things: 1) The opportunity to learn when she fails and 2) The opportunity to celebrate when she wins. Think of yourself as the water boy instead of the quarterback. Give the field back to your kid.

Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” If you’re not going to let them find even ONE way to fail, then your kids are never going to get their light bulb moments.

 ErinSo here is OUR big “Ah-Ha moment”. . .

Ellen – When you accept that you are prepping human beings for life on their own and not crafting reflections of yourself, it makes it a whole lot easier to get out of that pilot seat you may not have even known you were in.

ErinSelf-realization is a beautiful thing. So move on over and out and get your fannies over to air traffic control. Your job isn’t over, but your child’s needs have shifted. They need you to provide safe skies where they can fly on their own, but they have GOT this.

Ellen – So hand over those controls. The best parents work themselves out of a job.

But if you want to keep the conversation going about Helicopter Parenting, what it is doing to our kids, and how you can avoid the “flight plans”, we recommend Elizabeth Kolbert’s wonderful essay from The New Yorker, “Why do Kids Rule the Roost?”. We look forward to reading Madeline Levine’s new book, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success.

 

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43 thoughts on “Helicopter Parents: Your Time Is Up

  1. Laura venters

    Nice blog post ladies. There r some things I’m very good about letting go, but school work is really hard for me but I’m a work in progress

    Reply
  2. Netty

    Nice article, and I must say I have come a long was since last year. At this point I havent checked any homeowrk or grades online even! I have faith the kids are doing what they need to do and if they dont they will [and we will] see it in the results. Plus I havent interfered at all in their social stuff since last year. Its a relief to them Im sure! and me. 😉 gotta let them live and learn, and if they need me Im here, and they know that.

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Netty, like we said, self-actualization is a beautiful thing. That’s one of the reasons we wrote the piece. Nobody thinks they do it, but it’s such an easy habit to fall into. Good for you and your kids. You have a great family and they know where you are if they need you. See you at the game, Erin

      Reply
  3. Maria

    This is so so very true! I have gotten such crazy looks from other parents and even teachers this year because we’ve let our son take control of all of his allergy medications, all of his homework assignments (we’re not even checking it anymore). He has permission to self-carry his meds (he is a fifth grader). Apparently not many parents get this permission for their elementary kids. I want him to practice this in elementary so that when he heads on to Middle, he’s ready to manage his own stuff! Even with kids that have special needs, allergies, disabilities or whatever — the ultimate goal is to take away the parental support so that they can manage on their own!!! 🙂 Yes, life is hard — but if we never let them have any control, how will they ever learn???

    Reply
  4. Chuck from Kentucky

    I know this is for the sensible mom’s out there, but some of us dad’s read this too and this one is really great. We have been navigating the world of a teenager and although my tendancy is to let “Soldier Dad” take over like he was one of my troops — we are trying to teach him responsibity and to let him navigate his way….(even if it means we have to deal with his room smelling like an Abercrombie and Fitch store….)

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Oh no, we are the “sensible moms” (hopefully, well, at least we try) but we are for everyone. That is why we said “parents.” And thank you for the compliment.

      And a lot of times, helicoptering doesn’t come from a controlling place so much as we just want to see things get done quickly and we just want our kids to succeed. It is much easier in the short term to just do things ourselves. Failure and learning can be messy and time-consuming businesses.

      And for the unholy love of Axe, please tell me his room is not as dark as a cave and thumping with techno music, too. 🙂 Ellen

      Reply
  5. Sorry kid, your mom doesn't play well with others

    Yes!!! I am more of a non parent when the kids get bigger, they have stuff to do I give them A reminder and if it’s not done its THEIR problem as in it will be done before anything fun can happen. My kids are self sufficient because I am their parent not their left hand. Teachers hate me because I don’t make them do their homework or study, after the teacher tells them it has to be done they do it on their own accord. I don’t make their lunches or pick out and make them wear weather appropriate clothes, they understand they will suffer and generally it only happens once or twice. If kids are taught right they wont need a gold medal for being a decent person, they will just do it. If you give your kids gold stars for everything they SHOULD be doing then real life will kick them real hard in the seat as an adult…and may be why so many teens are depressed.

    Reply
  6. deborah l quinn

    A good teacher, i was once told (by a VERY good teacher) ultimately should make herself obsolete. You give your students the tools & eventually they start teaching themselves. Parenting, ditto. We all had those adorable dimply babies and then…they turn into…people. With whom we & everyone else has to live. So help them be people who you wouldn’t mind living with. With apologies for ending that sentence with a preposition. My mother taught me to know better…but I’m making my own choices here, and to heck with the rules, I say!
    (great post. please glue it on every bulletin board in every school & send it to all the PTA people you know in the entire world).
    deborah l quinn recently posted..Character Assassin’s Carousel or, why not to EVER give a pig a pancakeMy Profile

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  7. thedoseofreality

    This is probably one of my favorite posts of yours ever. Wish I could stand up and applaud you for this. The principal at my girls’ school said something 4 years ago that still resonates with me today. She told all of us who were there for Parent’s Night that as parents “your job is to prepare your child for the path, NOT prepare the path for your child”. While I certainly think I am more of a hover mother than other people, I definitely think about these words all the time. And I do my part to empower my girls to think for themselves.
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  8. QueenMomJen

    So true and something parents really need to keep in mind. With 3 children and 1 more on the way I can’t helicopter them. We are a team who gets done what needs to be done as a family and for ourselves personally as well. Helicoptering although attractive really doesn’t help children grow and mature in the ways that are most important.
    QueenMomJen recently posted..Easy Princess CraftsMy Profile

    Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      I think the very nature of larger families makes it harder to hover, but not impossible. It’s a trap that is so easy to fall into, hence our need to write the piece. Glad you liked it, Erin

      Reply
  9. Farrah

    My mother is a perfect example of a hovering helicopter. Moreso with my younger brother (12 years my junior) than with my sister or I. I was just irate when I saw her doing his reports and projects in school. I was in college trying to get my teacher certification and told her constantly that she was doing him a disservice. Anyhow. So today he is mid 20’s, just moved out, can’t make the payments on his truck or car insurance- and I’m not sure how successful he is at keeping a job. It makes me very sad because he is such a sweet person- but he wasn’t taught any responsibility growing up at all.

    Reply
  10. Momsnewstage

    This was such a great post. Such is why our kids are so spoiled and at the same time so incompetent. As a teacher I have seen the effects of this in kids whose parents are about 10-15 years older than me, and I worry that our generation is producing kids that will be even worse.

    Just for a laugh, check out my quiz on Parent Society.
    http://www.parentsociety.com/parenting/parenting-strategies/7-ways-to-evaluate-your-status-as-a-helicopter-parent/
    Momsnewstage recently posted..Behavior Chart RealityMy Profile

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  11. Teri

    I had my own A-HA moment last month when, at long last, I refused to drive my sophomore in HS to school when she missed the bus. Every other time she missed, I drove her. I put my foot down and said no, and went for a run instead. She ended up missed that day. Made the bus the next two days. The next week she DID miss the bus but called a friend to drive her. Made her own backup plan and carried through. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, not giving in and helping her out but she needed to learn the lesson. I truly hope she has.

    Teri
    Snarkfest
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  12. Roshni

    Great points!! In my son’s afterschool program, they have a homework hour. The parents can decide whether their kid should do homework the whole hour, or let the kid decide. I signed up for the latter. My kid goofed off the first two weeks. Then he realized that if he actually did homework then, he would get time to relax at home. QED!! :))
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  13. Pingback: 5 Reasons You Should Take a Break From Your Kids. Bye Mom Guilt! | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

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