This weekend in eastern Maryland was a pumpkin patch strolling, nature hike taking, fire pit gathering, corn maze avoiding gift of perfect autumn weather. See?
All fall fun depicted in this photo is a lie
Yeah. None of that happened for me because at exactly 8:10AM on Saturday I was zinged with the worst pain of my life right after dropping my tween off for her babysitting class car pool. Luckily, when I arrived back home, my husband still hadn’t left for work.
In fact, when he came out of our bathroom, he immediately sensed something was wrong.
“Sweetheart, why are you curled on the bedroom floor in child’s pose sobbing?”
I joke. He doesn’t know what child’s pose is. And he might have been a bit more alarmed, but he wasn’t panicked either. I have my M.D. and while I’m not practicing, my family is pretty confident I know what to do when things start to spiral and all they need to do is listen to me.
Unfortunately in this case, in my agonized state, I let my inner “the worst of woman” throw in her two cents. You know, the voice who says, “Don’t be a bother. Going to the Emergency Department seems awfully dramatic.”
Despite the fact the differential diagnosis in my head was ectopic pregnancy, ovarian cyst, kidney stone, or appendicitis, the words that came out of my mouth were, “Take me to the urgent care center.”
And thus, I tortured myself with a detour through medical incompetence. Long story short, I was seen by a non-physician care provider in-training. She and her supervisor where distracted by my history of kidney stones and never considered it could be anything else. I was actually writhing in pain in front of them, but their plan was to send me home with antibiotics to treat a urinary tract infection even though my urine was normal.
Public Service Announcement – It is nearly impossible to be in that much pain from a kidney stone and NOT have red blood cells in your urine. Apparently, they missed that class, so you the public should be aware. I really don’t know how non-medical lay people ever get the correct care.
She did throw in a cover-her-assets,“You could also go to the Emergency Department.” Duh. My inner dumbass had already stroked out from the pain, so no arguments there. She did give me two Tylenol3 which were as helpful as pissing on a wildfire.
Thirty minutes later we were at the ED. Apparently, the term “Triage” was just a catch phrase for them, not a concept they rallied around in practice since nothing about my obvious distress or vital signs moved me up in line. My blood pressure was 178/98. In layman’s terms: Not quite “holy shit,” but definitely in the arena of “yikes.” If that elevation wasn’t caused by pain, they might have wanted to entertain the thought that I was having a vascular event. Just sayin’.
To their credit, they were probably thinking pain since I finally got some IV morphine . . . but only in a dosage equivalent to throwing a bucket on my wildfire. Apparently my husband, in his professional work attire, and me, in my 5K souvenir sweatshirt, were poster children for drug seeking junkies. I was still writhing with pain, but my moaning ceased and that’s all they really want in the ER – for you to shut the hell up.
My ER doctor obviously paid some attention in med school because he dismissed the notion of kidney stones, moved me from the “She Might Be A Faker” section of the ED to the “Better Treat Or Face A Lawsuit” area, and ordered an ultrasound to check for ovarian cysts.
The tech performed a very rigorous vaginal ultrasound –and by rigorous, I mean she was gunning to be the first person to view tonsils via the Hoo Haa Highway. Despite her enthusiasm, she was unable to find the blood flow to my right ovary, indicating it might be twisted. This, in retrospect, should have been taken with a grain of salt since she couldn’t really find my left ovary either. At all. Why was the grain of salt needed? Because an ovary usually doesn’t twist unless there is a tumor in it.
A good ol’ fashioned freak-out would have been appropriate here. However, radiologic evidence of pain had finally cleared me from being a manipulating crack head, so I was awarded with a dosage of pain meds equivalent to spraying my wildfire with a fire hose.
But that’s not all I won! In addition to a good buzz, I received a looping vertigo-inducing ride to Labor and Delivery through two miles of the bumpiest, gut-jarring corridors this side of Calcutta for an audience with an overworked-on-call-for-the-weekend OB/GYN! Complimentary exploratory laparoscopy included!
De plane, De plane!
God bless L&D nurses because I was welcomed like a guest on Fantasy Island with a cocktail of Phenergan and morphine that finally dampened my pain like a fire-fighting plane come to save the day by dumping sky jell-o.
So let’s talk about this pain. I’m a lady who has gone through both childbirth and kidney stones, but this pain was obnoxiously worse. Not the worst pain in the world, but in a street fight it kicked the snot out of labor contractions and stones . . . and took their wallets. It was a sledgehammer slammed inside of my hip coupled with a steady level 9 mushroom cloud of pain that radiated to my groin and back that just NEVER LET UP for ten hours. At least contractions come in waves. And you get a baby.
I was wheeled to Pre-Op, in relief, thinking I would be operated on by 6PM. That time came and went. I understood because my surgeon was also the OB on call. Babies are unpredictable. I get it. You know who DID NOT understand? The anesthesiologist cooling his jets for my case. He was angry and I was his punching bag. Literally. His replacement of my IV, if not quite assault, at least would have earned him a trip to the principal’s office. He SMACKED my old painful IV and my new, equally painful IV — he inserted it over my wrist joint – FOUR times.
Don’t worry, I’m writing the letter. At the time I told him he was hurting me, but I checked my outrage. He was “putting me to sleep” after all. I was banking on him controlling his tantrum enough to not kill me because that is A LOT of paperwork. Hey, even without me scolding him, he scraped the bejeezus out of the side of my throat when he intubated me. Good thing I have lots of practice talking to hospital administration.
But sweet blessings balanced out for me when I finally met my surgeon. Even though she never witnessed my full-out distress, she believed my story. So when my ovaries proved to be the models of fit fecundity, she called in GI to vanquish my appendix and restore my right lower quadrant to a happy place fit for rainbows and unicorns once more.
Also an ouchie. This is the trocar they shoved through my belly button to allow admittance for the paparazzi, I mean, surgical camera.
Despite my relief, I still had the surgical discomfort of a thousand sit-ups to make me squirm. I had undergone a laproscopic two-for-one: my uterus whipped around like a joystick to view my ovaries AND my bowel “run” like a toddler pulling a cat’s tail. But this was minor compared to the pain from which I had been delivered. It was my party favor from the anesthesiologist – that half-assed IV he rammed into my wrist – that kept me up all through the wee morning hours. My IV alarm sounded EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES.
Perhaps Dr. ImportantPants will one day experience his very own Circle of Hell — one where he is stuck in a never-ending DMV line while being serenaded by an eternal low-battery smoke alarm chirp while simultaneously being smacked and jabbed by a sadistic boar. I know it will be devoid of the fabulous nursing care that I received from women who attended to my comfort, kept my care on track, laughed with me after I took out my own IV, and got me the hell out of there early the next morning.
To these angels and my surgeons, I say “Bless You!” To that slimy worm of a vestigial organ I say an edited-for-G-rating, “Good Riddance!” You know I’m talking about the appendix and not the anesthesiologist, right? On second thought, if the shoe fits . . .
–Ellen
Well, thank GOD you were okay. And I honestly believe that there is no doubt the pain was clouding your ability to reason if you headed off to the Urgent Care instead of the ER. Keep resting and hang in there! And Phenergan is really just the greatest! 😉
thedoseofreality recently posted..It Is Now the Time…
It definitely was not my clearest moment. 🙂 Ellen
“I really don’t know how non-medical lay people ever get the correct care.”
I doubt we do.
Glad you are feeling well enough to write, that the offending organ was identified and removed, and that your sense of humor is intact.
Ginger Kay recently posted..Teen body image issues? This I know. Or thought I did.
Thank you!
Yikes! That does not sound like as much fun as a day at the Pumpkin Patch. Glad they (finally) figured out what the issue was. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Jay – The Dude of the House recently posted..What Are You Up To This Weekend?
Thank you! I can’t wait to read your post, the title is intriguing. 🙂 Ellen
🙁 Hugs! What a crappy weekend…to say the least. I’m so sorry! Glad you are home, don’t eat too many brownies 🙂
Thank you for all of the goodies. Did you make the brownies, the banana bread, AND the cookies?? They are all so good!! Ellen
The banana bread was from scratch…the brownies and cookies were from a mix. The fancy plates made them extra yummy 🙂
The plates did make them extra yummy and Jellybean was impressed! She was also much more enthusiastic about the banana bread than I would have imagined. She is usually a brownie girl. She has discerning tastes. I like them all. Ellen
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but by god woman, you tell a good story. 🙂
I thought appendicitis is run-of-the-mill in ER, why did they have to er, examine you so vigorously for other things?
And OMG I hate IVs. Both my labor experiences required them, particularly the first one. I had to have an iron transfusion due to blood loss, and they tried 3 times to stick my hand with that ….. thing. And failed. FAILED. Labor was easier.
Alison recently posted..Are You Judging Me?
Alison, it was almost worth going through this to have YOU tell me that I tell a good story. Swoon.
Actually lady parts vs. appendix is a common diagnostic problem so that was understandable.
And IVs are evil.
Ellen
Urgent Care, really? So glad you were ok but boy did you have to wait longer in pain than you should have! It made a great blog post though.
Stacie @ Snaps and Bits recently posted..A Small Price
Well, I wouldn’t have let anyone I love go to Urgent Care, so does that redeem me?
Ellen
I guess the only way things could have gone worse was if it happened in July at a teaching hospital.
I hope the recovery is good, and the drugs better!
Jackie recently posted..What’s changed?
Hmm, October in a teaching hospital is not that much sharper. 😉 Ellen
Hoo haa highway! Hoo haa highway! Sorry, distracted by laughter…
…okay, better,now.
It’s frustrating to hear how many wrong wrong bad things were doing or suggested over this, and that it was your experience in medicine – and not theirs! – that got you to the right place. I hope you beat the hell out of that anesthesiologist through hospital administration. Beat him down for the rest of us non-meds who don’t know when we should complain.
Recover, heal, eat delicious-but-bad-for-you foods!
Eric Sipple recently posted..Writing Contests, Etc.
Thank you for appreciating my alliteration. Others have told me it’s a flaw. 😉
Noshing on homemade ciabatta bread as we speak. Thank you for the well wishes!
Ellen
The Sisterhood recently posted..It Was A Beautiful Weekend For . . . A Trip To The Hospital
What an ordeal! And yet, so funny. Sorry, momma. Not the pain or the pain-in-the-ass anesthesiologist. But the re-telling? Hi-larious.
Ninja Mom recently posted..If you can’t stand the heat, get into the bedroom
I have to admit, I was surprised at the end of writing it that it came off as funny as it did. Maybe it was the Vicodin? Ellen
Ooohh, heavens. You had me laughing so many times.
Sorry about the circle of hell though!
Internal bleeding is farking awful, and yes, no waves, just constantly horrific. Blech.
Lady Estrogen recently posted..Scratch is for suckers!
I was banking on that laughter really was the best medicine. 😉 Ellen
I’m so sorry you went through all that pain. But seriously, this account is awesomely funny. Seriously, I had to read it twice to take it all in!!
Bridget recently posted..How To Get A Deal
Thank you! You should see the material I edited out for length. 😉 Ellen
((HUGS)) sounds truly horrible. So glad you are ok!!!
Jennifer recently posted..Run!
Lucky for us Ellen is also plucky. ; ) Erin
OMG OMG so sorry and SO glad you’re alright. OWWWWWWWW
Angela Shelton recently posted..Whatever You’re Adamant About – You’re Probably Wrong
Ellen is on the mend. Now she is still funny, but in a whole different way. Loopy Ellen is a sight to behold. Erin
Yeah anytime a doctor automatically assumes it has something to do with my ovaries I lose a lot of confidence in them. But that’s mostly because I’m a dude,
P.S. Glad to hear that you are doing better now. 🙂
Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point recently posted..I Want My Two Cups!
Well, that would be an uncomfortable conversation too. “Listen, I know you’re a doctor and all, but I’m a guy. . .” ; ) Erin
Geez, Louise! I haven’t been on Twitter much this week and had no idea you went through this, Ellen. So glad to hear you are OK and that this crazy painful turn of events didn’t injure your funny bone.
Hoo Haa Highway? Bahaha! Isn’t that a song by Billy Idol?
Kathleen recently posted..Meet You at the Finish Line
Brilliant! I think my post should be read with that song playing in the background! Ellen
I am glad that you are ok! Wow, this story was just unbelievable – funny – but unbelievable!
Sad part is, I don’t think my story is all that uncommon. People just don’t have enough background to recognize the undercurrents going on. Thanks for the well wishes.
Ellen
So glad that you are ok! You have such a good sense of humor about what was clearly a terrible experience. Great post. Sorry you “got” to write it!
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Thanks! Writing it helped to fill in all of my “free” time recovering. The bright side? I haven’t had to squeeze blogging in around other things. Downside? In my state, it takes me three times longer than it usually does to write anything.
I read through this comment four times to make sure it was coherent and I’m still not sure. 🙂 Ellen
So glad you’re okay! Bruised and beaten, but okay. I hope recovery is a quick one (and the doc with the IV’s is not so quick).
P.S.
I have no idea how you can make your pain so funny!
Jill recently posted..My BIG Bold Miracle
Thanks! My husband read this and asked if we went through the same day because he didn’t quite find this much humor in it. 🙂 Ellen
Holy shit Ellen!! (Sorry, not G-rated, but if there were ever a time to “work blue”….) I was horrified reading this, my jaw on the floor. But then of course found myself laughing out loud to this kind of thing: “At least contractions come in waves. And you get a baby.” At least your sense of humor survived the IV assault.
I’m so glad you are feeling better but what a tragedy of errors to get you there. Hope this results in a strongly worded letter!
Kim at Mama Mzungu recently posted..Flipping the Script on my Birthday
Did you get the joy of at least getting a pic of your appendix? I know how you love your pics! That could be one for the sisterhood pages!
Yikes. It’s been over 20 years since my appendectomy, and I definitely remember that pain. (For me, kidney stones were more painful; the appendix did not make me nearly pass out while I was checking into the ER.) I hope your recovery is going well!
Tragic Sandwich recently posted..TV and Us
WOW, it’s like everything I fear about the world of medicine!! I look at students in front of me who think almost is good enough and wonder about the future of us all, being taken of by people who graduated with close enough, almost good enough, not quite, etc….
I’m fascinated by the number of people lately who are having appendectomies! It’s like the new thing, all of a sudden! What’s going on????
sparkling74 recently posted..Who’s The BreadMaker Now?
I don’t know what would be worse as a patient, knowing too much about medicine or too little. I would like to think everyone I come into contact with is competent, but time and time again they prove to be human. Makes me wonder if I should electively have my appendix removed now to spare myself possible pain later.
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