Baby books are such sweet things . . . in theory. But, you actually have to record the special moments within them to make them, well, special. We’ve heard about mothers who diligently fill them in, but we think they are more the stuff of urban legends — like Sasquatch and clear skin after 20. We don’t truly believe they exist.
Maybe it’s because they are so boring: first tooth, first haircut, blah, blah, blah. We guess that’s where blogging comes in, to record those childhood moments that aren’t quite up to Hallmark standards, but become the stuff of family history. Well, we weren’t blogging when our offspring were babies, so we are filling in the archives now.
The 10 Firsts That Did Not Make The Baby Book But Should Have
1. First Epic Spit-Up— Are you wondering who can remember a spit-up since they are as common as political rants on Facebook? Well, Ellen can. It’s all about timing . . . and volume. Ellen had settled down on the couch with her hubby to watch a movie — what was to pass for their date night in their new life with a newborn. A spontaneous date night because they didn’t expect the baby to sleep. Hooray! There was no time to go to the video store and no, streaming was not an option. Did you not notice video stores were mentioned?
So at the mercy of HBO, they settled in to watch Dante’s Peak, a purely cheesy movie about a volcano erupting . . . when the baby awoke with a wail. Newbies that they were, they didn’t see that coming. So Ellen, desperate to watch the movie grabbed the baby and started nursing, and nursing, and nursing. At the EXACT moment the volcano erupted on their television, the baby erupted on herself, on Ellen, on Frank, on the couch, on the wall . . . are you getting that it was epic?
2. First Epic Diaper Blow-Out— Everyone has a great blow-out story, but Erin’s, like Ellen’s above, has the added bonus of uncanny timing. The scene: one sweet baby in a beautiful heirloom white christening gown, in the front row in Erin’s hometown church, with 300 witnesses present. As the strains of the first hymn floated out over the congregation, the sweet baby at the center of the scene let loose with a diaper blow-out that seemed completely at odds with the size of said child and necessitated not one, but TWO, wardrobe changes (for mom AND baby).
Unfortunately for Erin, as she checked the diaper bag, she realized that the only option for clothing was big brother’s dinosaur t-shirt. Seeing as how she was in church, it seemed like an awkward time to take the Lord’s name in vain, but she was thinking it. And if an expletive did leave her lips, well, God probably forgave her. Long story short: Kid was baptized in brother’s growling dinosaur t-shirt. Come to think of it, this one was immortalized in photographs and probably doesn’t need a mention in the baby book.
3. First Time Baby Bites You— Nursing moms recognize this as the moment where you fully realize pain on a whole new level, the level being apocalyptic-holy-crap-that-hurts. It is also the moment when you realize that you could imagine putting a “Baby For Sale: Cheap” sign around his neck, if you could just get his clenched teeth off your nipple.
Erin did NOT win this trophy. In fact, if any of her fellow passengers could have laid their hands on this trophy, she may have been beaten with it.
4. First Time Traveling with Kids Alone— Traveling with two mobile kids under the age of three on an airplane with a connecting flight was almost her undoing. Natural disasters pale in comparison to the maelstrom Erin’s kids whipped up in the Bangor Airport circa 2000. Things began unraveling the second she checked in. Erin was so worried that her little girl who was faster than Speedy Gonzales was actually going to vault her way onto the baggage carousel that she left her son’s jacket at the front desk—Casualty #1.
When she finally wrestled the kiddos to the holding pen — ahem, the waiting area — things went from kinda crappy to Defcon 5. Erin hadn’t done the mental math earlier so she was unaware that trying to keep a hand on two active toddlers, their carseats, their carry-ons, and their stroller was an equation she was sure to fail. With kids intent on running in two equal but opposite directions, their belongings unattended and exposed to the whims of terrorists and thieves, and public opinion of her mothering skills tanking, Erin snapped like a twig. She stood in the middle of the airport waiting area and said, “Somebody is gonna have to help me. NOW.” Erin’s sanity—Casualty #2.
Someone half-heartedly collared one of her two little n’er-do-wells long enough for Erin to kind of nudge the kids in the direction of the boarding area as she attempted to carry two carseats while pushing the stroller and shouldering the bags. This memory is a little lost to the elements of time and Post Traumatic Stress, but a second jacket and the stroller were lost during the boarding process—Casualties #3 & #4.
5. First Time Offered Unsolicited Parenting Advice By A Stranger— Erin survived the above scene without so much as a whisper of advice; Ellen was not so lucky in the grocery store. Her gaffe? Using big words with her toddler. In reprimanding her little bundle of fire, she may have used “unacceptable” and “deplorable.” A nice man actually turned his cart around to come back and tell her that her problem was that she used “big, fancy words.” Yeah, the country would just go down the toilet if more children had enriched vocabularies.
6. First Time Being Scolded By a Professional For Your Parenting— Ellen apparently gets all of the hate attention. The scene is now the dentist office where she was upbraided by the hygienist for the condition of her daughter’s teeth. “So did you manage to keep the two teeth she has left without fillings clean this time?”
Ellen was outraged but managed to calmly reply, “That’s not my daughter.”
The hygienist points at the chart, “Well, that’s her name.”
“But, that’s not her birth date, so I’d appreciate OUR chart so we can go to another dentist. One that takes malpractice a little more seriously.”
You should definitely double-check your facts before scolding Ellen.
7. First Time Getting Kicked Out of Story Time— Erin is part of a tribe of moms who all bear silent scars but should be wearing t-shirts that declare “I survived a Toddler from Hell.” Her wonderful, beautiful, spirited child could scale any surface (gravity be damned), escape any restraining device, and hurl herself to the precipice of disaster at any moment. It took great resolve for Erin to take this child into civilization AT ALL to spend time with other children. Therefore, it cut pretty deep when the sweet, lovely lady running the library’s story time took Erin aside and didn’t ask or imply or suggest, but practically begged her not to bring her child back. For the foreseeable future. Ouch.
Not a portrayal of Erin’s story time experience. This is her fantasy.
8. First Time Getting Kicked Out of Church–See above. But add a level of humiliation. In fact, the priest said, “God will understand if you just take a little break for a while.”
9. First “I Hate You”— Ellen swears this has never happened to her. But it happened to Erin FIVE times and lots of other moms she knows, so yeah, there should be a space in the good ol’ baby book for it. It should read: “First time my child ripped my heart out.” Motherhood is full of sh*t, but it’s not all giggles.
10. First Time Your Kid Makes You Laugh Out Loud— We couldn’t leave you on a sour note. We love that moment when the kids cross over from baby to little person. One of Erin’s favorite moments like this was when her then three year old was riding in the back seat with his friend whose dad is a hunter. His friend was explaining that you can tell how big a deer is by the number of points on his antlers. Her son thinks about it for a minute, grabs his ears, and then says, “I guess that makes me a two-pointer.”
As always you ladies have me laughing my ass off at your misery. I can relate to many of them. The comeback at the dentist office-priceless.
Robbie recently posted..New Tricks
The dentist kind of freaked me out a little bit. The hygienist was so self-righteous. Imagine treating someone off of the wrong chart? I ALWAYS double check birth dates on all of my kids’ charts now. And on mine. Ellen
Great ones! I like the first diaper blow-out. Those were gross. Remember the first poop called Meconium or something. Ugh. The hardest to wipe of their butt!
Bruna from Bees with Honey recently posted..10 promises I made as a teenager
I definitely remember cutting poopy onesies off of babies because I couldn’t bear to pull them over their heads. And there was that one time that the carseat got destroyed. But I don’t have any blow-out story that compares to Erin’s. Thank goodness. Ellen
I loved this list! My daughter is #7 waiting to happen. My soul feels soothed just hearing that other “high-spirited” children exist…sometimes it feels like I got the only one out there.
Azara recently posted..For the first time
Yes, we had/have some “high-spirited” children who are maturing into the loveliest human beings. We should write a post about that because there were definitely times that I felt all alone. And like my child was going to be the death of me.
I actually had one friend who was flabbergasted by my child’s behavior at a playdate apologize years later when she had her second child and he was a little more spirited. It is tough to have your first baby be the “sucker” baby. I’m glad I had my tough one up front. 🙂 Ellen
Awesome list!!! I loved it! I can’t even imagine flying alone with my kids. It was hard enough with my husband with me. And I lost it on that trip – actually, now that I think about it, I think I’ve lost it on all of our trips. And we’re flying in a couple weeks. I better start praying now!
Kate recently posted..My First Kiss On The Beach…Highway (Under a Street Light)
Sorry for provoking that bit of self-realization. 😉 Ellen
I read the whole list, and I laughed (especially at the dentist) and nodded and commiserated. Truthfully I’m still stick on the first big diaper blow out. Lil Duck’s was TERRIBLE. It shall go down in her history as an uber memorable moment!
Ducky recently posted..It Was My First
Everyone remembers their first blowout. 🙂 Ellen
As always a really good listicle!!! That should be the real baby book…
Wayne recently posted..The First Listicle???
I’m thinking this blog post covers it. 🙂 Ellen
Love it!
Awesome. Your stories always make me feel better!!!! I’d also like to add “First Time Child Uses Feces as Artistic Medium” and “First Panicked New-Parent Trip to the ER”! &:)
Oh, we totally forgot about those. They really do belong here. ; ) Erin
HILARIOUS POST!!!! Man, I love you guys! I found you through Dose of Reality girls… Thanks for making me laugh, and I can SO relate to all of these firsts!!! Erin- you and I could easily be bff moms. Just sayin’. 😉
Chris Carter recently posted..Extraordinary Mom…
Aww, thanks, Chris! We could have probably had about 20 firsts on this list, but we love Stasha too much for that! Erin
Go Ellen at the dentist! I’ve had that happen at the pediatrician with my older son but no one yelled at me! And Erin was very brave at the airport! I only had one toddler at a time and that was hard enough! Always love your lists 🙂
Stacie @ Snaps and Bits recently posted..Bring It On, Sandy
When does bravery cross into “What was she thinking?’ 😉 Ellen
Travel was the best. We spent a few hours on the tarmac once and my three year old was swinging from the luggage racks. No one said a thing. I think they knew sharpies would come out next. They weren’t as happy when we were cleared to move but someone had two kids on two potties and needed a few more minutes before we would be seated.
That’s awesome. Maybe we should travel together. 😉 Erin
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post, ladies.
Two-pointer – awesome.
Alison recently posted..Be Kind
I still giggle about that story and he’s nine. One of my favorites for sure. Erin
So totally the awesome ladies…this is one book I would have definitely taken the time to fill out!! Love the stories you shared! 🙂
thedoseofreality recently posted..Top 10 Firsts…Just the Way We Remember Them
Thanks for the hysterical walk down memory lane. I would add things like, “The first time it took four people to pin down my toddler for immunizations.”
Ginger Kay recently posted..Being a stand up kind of girl
This post could have gone on FOREVER. Maybe we need a second installment. 🙂 Ellen
Those are definitely firsts that should be mentioned in a baby book. (Which, by the way, I am terrible at keeping up with!) I can relate to so many of them!
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..The First Time…
I hope you punched that hygienist in the gut! (Even just in your head, if not literally.)
Bridget recently posted..Monday Listicles
Don’t worry. I think Chuck Norris resides in my head just for that purpose. 😉 Ellen
Love #4 and #5 – That has happened to me too! Visited because you commented on my blog in Sept. – Just now saw it!! Sorry! This was great!
Cathy
Glad you stopped by. Public spectacles and unsolicited advice are the best. 😉 Ellen
Great list. It brought to mind some hilarious memories of the past two years. Thanks!
Lisa C recently posted..How to Make Chocolate Dipped Caramels
Haha! Now these are some firsts I can get behind. Those are the moments that make for great blogging material!
hilljean recently posted..For First Time Ever This Week
Thanks, and thanks for sharing it. I feel like it was a great topic. Everyone’s lists have been super-fun. Erin
Had to laugh at being kicked out of church and storytime…but the dentist thing really ticked me off. The nerve of some people!!! And traveling alone with kids on a plane?! You’re my hero. I hate flying (even when I don’t have kids along).
Runnermom-jen recently posted..A Love Story…and pumpkins
I felt so bad for Ellen when she told me about the crazy dentist and all the negativity they were throwing at her. Thanks for the support, Erin
I would have been in tears over the diaper blow out in the Christening gown! But I was so hoping for pics of the baby in the growling dinosaur t-shirt.
And the dentist one reminded me of the time I lost my mind on a dentist who was mean to my baby. His older brother ratted the old fart of a dentist out. I should have known something was up when they wouldn’t let me go back. We never went there again and he’s lucky his office staff kept me from getting my hands around his neck. Mama Bear. Grrr…
Diane@BeStillaMinute recently posted..The First Time…
That baby picture is pre-digital, but I might have to find and do a follow-up post. Erin
Your list is ALWAYS one of my favorites, and this one does not disappoint!!
I loved the volcano/spit-up story (my oldest had horrible reflux and would projectile vomit at least a twice a day), and I can also relate to the baptism blowout. Both of my two younger sons had blowouts in the same baptismal outfit–while the pastor was carrying them around. Fortunately she managed to avoid getting poop on herself, probably because she too is a mom!
And the “I hate yous”–my six-year-old is in that kind of phase right now. We’re often told “I HATE this family!” and that he is going to run away, when he’s not accusing me of not liking him, or loving his 9-year-old brother more than him. I will be so glad when he has outgrown this phase! Neither of my older boys have done this.
Love your writing–thanks for the entertainment!
Thanks. Your baptism stories sound pretty classic too. Erin
OMG … as someone who is coming off a my toddler is an a-hole week I needed these laughs! I LOVE it! And yes, I have a story for almost every one of those… except the hate one… I don’t think he knows what hate is yet… give it time
Audrey recently posted..Monday Listicles – 10 Firsts
As a mom to a couple of teens, I can say that in motherhood you always need the laughs. So glad we lightened the load a little. Erin
There should be an airline where they’ve cleared out the back 10 or 15 rows of the plane and replaced them with a daycare center.
Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point recently posted..Pegacorn vs. Pegicorn
That is pure genius. Really. Erin
My first diaper blow out was a bit different…. I’d already taken the diaper off and was reaching for a wipe, when I heard the pre-warning baby fart……I barely had time to duck aside.
I swear, I did not know shit could fly.
Rorybore recently posted..4 M: Boo Tunes
Gaaaah! Oh my goodness! It can really hit the fan!! Wowzer. That story needs its own post. Erin
Oh, the spit-ups! My son was the worst when it came to everything coming out minutes after it went in. I put gigantic bibs on him all the time just so I didn’t have to change him every 5 minutes. It made me sad because I loved all those little baby clothes and then I just had to cover them up.
Great list – as always!
heidi recently posted..50 shades of ordinary
Love #10. Well love them all! You two always make me laugh, even if I shivered a little while remembering my 10 like this! The dentist one is so brilliant though I will feel all power girl for the rest of the day!!
Stasha recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
Ha ha, loved your number 5 – all those big, bad words are making some people really confused! 😉 Great spin on the topic! (Even though it kind of makes me not want to have children… okay, number 10 makes it okay again!)
Anja recently posted..Random Thursday: 5 Must Read Blogs
when my kids were little we lived in London and my parents i LA. I often travelled back an forth with them on my own. DefCon 5 is a perfect description!!!
Grown and Flown recently posted..Mommy Bloggers Would Have Made Me a Better Mother