Today’s Pinterest rant is targeting nails. Full disclosure–I’m not a big fan of painting my nails. It’s not because I’m not girly or I don’t think it’s pretty. It’s just I’m a perfectionist and I can’t stand smudges or chips and my life is a smudge and chip inducing maelstrom.
Let’s talk about those smudges. The moment I become incapacitated in any way– say, my butt hits a toilet seat, my hair drips with shampoo, or my nails are freshly lacquered–a tremor in the biosphere occurs triggering an explosion of “MOM!!!!” Can’t let wet nails prevent me from saving the day.
But I’m a resourceful gal, let’s say I sneak under the radar and manage to vamp up my nails. What’s the point of all of that effort when my maelstrom of a life hasn’t changed? A manicure doesn’t stand a chance against my to-do list of mulching the flower beds and scraping the black gunk from around the kitchen faucet. Contrary to urban legends, I use my hands for more than clicking the remote and popping bon bons.
Soooooo, just don’t paint my nails and the frustration is gone, right? WRONG! I have daughters. Daughters who are 12 and 14. Every time I call to them for assistance there is some kind of nail polishing going on. Hmm, maybe I’m THEIR tremor in the biosphere.
Me: I need these clothes folded.
Jellybean: I’m finishing the topcoat on my nails.
Me: The dishwasher needs to be unloaded.
Coco: Oooo, sorry, I just started painting my nails.
Me: The trash needs to be taken out.
Jellybean: I’m painting Coco’s nails. With stencils!
Me: Seriously, you need to clean the toilets.
Them: We’re simultaneously painting each other’s nails.
Me: I give up. I’m going to Target.
Them: Can you pick us up some base coat?
So what’s the problem? Nails dry and they can carry on. Well, the problem is Pinterest. Once again Pinterest has upped the ante.
Source: memebase.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
You can’t just slap on a coat of polish and call it a day. Oh no! There must be designs and glitter and themes. Painting nails takes eleventy forevers plus two hours. My girls get to their tasks eventually, but not on my time schedule. You know that an unloaded dryer or dishwasher is the equivalent of a jackknifed tractor trailer on the chore highway. Nothing is moving along or getting done until they are cleared.
Now my heart is not made of acrylic. They do have some pretty cute results.
Free hand zebra stripes–the Sistine Chapel of nails . . . except they take longer.
But Pinterest won’t just stop at time consuming. As always, it crosses from “Wow!” to “What the Heck?” to Pintershit in the blink of an eye.
1. Ok, THESE are the Sistine Chapel of Nails.
Who has time for this? The intricacy makes my head spin.
Source: the-crumpet.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
2. And these are the Van Gogh of Nails.
Get this woman an easel and some pastels. Talent like this should not be wasted on an art medium that is going to get wrecked the moment she has to do something major . . . like actually participate in life. Doors don’t open themselves, People. Well, unless they are automatic . . . or revolving.
Source: the-crumpet.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
3. WTF are up with these?
At least the above two examples are attractive. An utter waste of time, but attractive. These are just weird. I’m torn between two interpretations–the abstract representation of my dreams swirling out of my grasp as time marches on and choices become narrowed OR bird poop sliding down a window.
Source: thecrumpet.blogspot.co.uk via Sisterhood on Pinterest
4. I think I wasted a WTF on number 3.
These are fuzzy. FUZ-ZY. I guess they would come in handy for a chronic nose picker during hay fever season. You know, because they’re extra absorbent.
Source: refinery29.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
5. Paying homage to my Savior on your nails?
Okay, that might be okay, but WHAT is that creature next to the baby (alien) Jesus? Is it a sheep? A pig? Chupacabra?
Source: thecrumpet.blogspot.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
6. “I know what we’re gonna do today.”
Waste some time on some cartoon nails! Maybe these Phineas and Ferb nails should go a little deeper undercover; although I have to admit Perry is looking kind of sharp.
Source: polishartaddiction.blogspot.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
7. Let the games begin!
Oh I’m not talking about Tetris. The only game she’ll be playing is “Find the piece of mommy’s bizarre nail in the macaroni and cheese.”
Source: iwastesomuchtime.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
8. Nails, lips, and a meme!
Extra bonus points for the nails matching the lips. That paint doesn’t look toxic. at. all. Speaking of toxic, have I been sniffing too much polish remover or does her bottom lip look like Grumpy Cat?
Source: naildesignsphotos.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
Source: uproxx.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
9. Art?
I’m assuming this is art, but I’m wishing it wasn’t. I’d be pretty careful wiping if you know what I mean.
Source: flickr.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
10. I am not alone.
Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures writes for the hilarious site Craft Fail. She shared an attempt that our friend Anna of Random Handprints made at copying a Matzoh Manicure. She eventually nailed it, but this try might be more mange than matzoh.
Source: craftfail.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
Oh Pinterest, you know we love you, but sometimes you lead us astray.
-Ellen-
I am not even a huge fan of regular nail polish, because (*hand up*) chipper and smudger! Also, I am very craft-challenged, so those new designs? Way out of reach for me!
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..Roller Coaster
But you could do the cheetah lips, right? Ellen
#3 makes me think of The Ring or other such scary-as-hezzle horror movies, and now I will not sleep for a week.
Kim at Let Me Start By Saying recently posted..Facing Bullies
I have a video tape you could watch to help soothe you to sleep. 😉 Ellen
STOP IT.
*cries in corner*
Kim at Let Me Start By Saying recently posted..Facing Bullies
I know a girl, yes she is my kids age so girl is right I don’t care if she does have 2 kids already, who was doing the designs on her nails long before it became a thing. She did it before they came out with all the special polishes and brushes and she is AMAZING doing her own nails free hand at least once a week. While I love have a manicure I get basic stuff. For the reason you listed. IF I thought I could keep them looking like something for more than a day it would be one thing. The tard cat look alike cracked me UP
Southern Angel recently posted..Now for the happy stuff.. PYHO
Ladies, have you seen THIS one? It’s a horror, er, I mean, flower show! http://pinterest.com/pin/94857135873209119/
Alison recently posted..Parenting Theories
I feel like I need an addendum to the post! How could I miss that one! Ellen
Who has time for this???? Oh, right teenage girls who don’t do their chores anyway.
I don’t polish my fingernails for the same reason you don’t – they are always chipped by the end of the day.
Ginger Kay recently posted..A New Bike, for a good cause
The only reason I would want to be a teenager again is because of the time. Ellen
HilARious! The whole thing is great, but my favorite part? “I think I wasted a WTF on number 3.” Indeed. I think every single one of those warranted a WTF. And thanks for including CraftFail – you know we’re just keepin’ it realz. 😉
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Tiny, Ironic Dancer
Yes, add my thank you to the one above for including my craft fail. If it weren’t for failed crafts, I wouldn’t have any crafts at all…
Also, I sorta kinda want those fuzzy nails.
Anna recently posted..Finding the Funny – April Edition and a (Huge!) Chobani Greek Yogurt Giveaway!
I hate painting my nails too – but I do love a gel mani every once in a while – you could smash your nails with a hammer and the polish wouldn’t chip. Fabulous pintershit as usual!
Dana recently posted..New York City with Kids: Part Two
I’m with you on this one, except my girl is a youtube nail polish tutorial junkie. And what’s better is they use a match to dip in the polish to draw on the dots and designs, so she’s using up all my matches…wtf? What’s wrong with a toothpick? I can get 250 toothpicks for a buck. Seems like every hour she’s re-doing the nails. (Right now her nails look like cows-white polish with black cow spots and the thumbs are a cow’s face.) I go through cotton balls and polish remover like nobodys business. Glad to know I’m not alone. We should probably buy stock in that shit.
Adrienn recently posted..Tween-Talk, the best advice on raising tweens and other nonsense.
I’m really working hard at trying not to be one of those “judgemental moms” but the universe makes that so difficult!!!
Vicky
Vicky recently posted..Spike is an as#@!*e
Fuzzy nails? Seriously? They could at least be a cool color. Yuck!!
Mom Rants and Comfy Pants recently posted..I’ll Take My Cheese with a Side of Dirt Please!
It’s a slippery slope. I started following a tween friend’s tutorials for fun and now I have daisies on my nails. I’ve asked to be put down immediately if I take it any further.
Thank you for LOL’ing at nail art.
PS Oh, look, I can select a recent post to tag! I know which one I’m choosing ;D
Urban Flowerpot recently posted..My First Attempt at Nail Art
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