Wake up, Parents! Summer is right around the corner! If you want your little darlings to get spots in those dream camps that will secure their places on the World Badminton team, guarantee them first chairs in the kazoo orchestra, teach them to knit earmuffs for underprivileged yetis, or just get them out of your hair for a week, then you need to be on this. Like yesterday!
Erin: All of my dreams are fiscally conservative, and in my experience the cheap camps are the first to fill up.
Ellen: Well, I got a brochure for a camp that’s in no danger of filling up: The Country School Farm: An Experience For Children Who Love Animals.
Here is the actual daily schedule:
Erin: They list chores no less than three times without even a crackling of sugar coating and then with a little more guile at least three more times. Projects? Never has a word been more worthy of air quotes.
Erin: But how much for this Dickensian work camp?
Ellen: Five days of Nirvana for only $780 plus travel expenses to Ohio.
Erin: Wait! What!?! That camp is getting PAID that much to have kids shipped there to do their farm work!?!
Ellen: Yep. For ages SIX to twelve.
Erin: Drop whatever you’re doing, because we’re founding a camp!
The Sisterhood Chain Gang Summer Camp
For 50 bucks, a case of Diet Coke, and 4 pounds of Starbucks Coffee (whole bean), you can send your child to the paradise that is the Eastern Shore of Maryland. Your child will have the time of his or her life in not one, but two bucolic locations. Your child will get to view two beautiful rivers through the safety of a minivan’s back window, as we whisk your precious babe from one work site fun-filled location to another. (Upon further reflection, we’re going to need $20 in gas money too. And snacks. You should definitely pack snacks. We’re partial to Cheez-its and Double-Stuffed Oreos.)
Boredom is unknown at The Sisterhood Camp. From sunup to sundown your child can partake in the following activities specially developed to hone skills, build confidence, and make our (particular) world a better place to live.
With an eye to creating future leaders concerned about a cleaner, greener planet, we will teach your innocents to Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle like a boss! We’ll even throw in an “R” unique to The Sisterhood Camp—Relieve us of our clutter.
The fun never stops as campers clean out typical hoarders’ garages. The kids have the times of their lives as they race to see who can fill the dumpster the fastest. Winner gets to take a water break. But that’s not all! Campers get to visit the local landfill and shake the hands of the sanitation workers too!
Back at the camp, they will join our special “Make this, Martha!” seminar in which they use duct tape, spray-paint, and hot glue to transform junk into masterpieces. At The Sisterhood Camp, we believe you can turn any trash into a treasure that can earn us a couple of bucks at the local flea market!
But it’s not all just good times, we pride ourselves in putting the work in “Working to Make This World a Greener Place.” Hours will be spent every day breaking down and sorting materials for recycling. We even offer a special “Box Cutting 101” safety course for our more seasoned campers because with this much work to be done, we don’t have time to go to the E.R..
Once the campers have proven themselves indoors, they are ready for the great outdoors or at least the trail behind Erin’s house! They’ll spend the day working on miles of trail and be rewarded by sleeping in tents that night! What better incentive to make that ground level, clear, and poop free than knowing they’ll be sleeping on it!
The highlight of the day— for most of them— is learning to use a chainsaw and axe. On a separate note, campers will also learn more advanced first aid i.e. securing a tourniquet.
Now don’t worry, we haven’t left out evening activities! We let each camper do at least one load of laundry every day and more if they’ve behaved! We will teach them the finer points of Stain Discernment and Treatment, Determining the Best Detergent for the Load, The Fine Art of Reading Labels, and The Ins and Outs of Folding. Top off the day with a special “Sort the Socks” game!
And We Did Not Forget About Recreation . . .
We stand by our motto, “We put the blood, sweat, and tears into having fun.” In fact, we’ll have your precious ones iron that on t-shirts to forever remember their time here because blisters don’t last forever.
Camps with pools are a dime a dozen, but where else can a child learn how to build a pool? Your child will sludge through the process from permit to pool chemistry. And, as an added bonus, they will become one with the earth as they dig that bad boy out by hand because minors aren’t allowed to operate backhoes, we checked.
And as an added added bonus they will become wizards at time management. If they need to work through dinner to pour that concrete, gosh darnit, they will buckle down and do it. Cement cures on its own schedule and schedules are meant to be followed. People are expecting a pool for the annual Labor Day party. And a fire pit.
“What good is fun if you haven’t earned it?”
Check out our books, please, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”
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