Dear Perfect Toddler Parent,
We’re going to assume right off the bat you only have the one child. Because frankly speaking, the chances of having multiple “Sucker Babies” are as likely as our minivans ever getting cleaned out. As if.
What’s that you say? All of your toddlers are or were perfect? Then the stars shone brightly upon you, my friend. Immediately play their combined birthdays on a lottery ticket. However, do NOT under any circumstance write a parenting book. The hate mail would make Darth Vader weep.
What’s a Sucker Baby? You’ve never heard your pediatrician use that term? A Sucker Baby is that mild child who spurs first-time parents to innocently share such irritating proclamations as “Feeding is never a problem. When I want him to breastfeed, he nurses, but when I need him to take a bottle, he never refuses.”
Then there is this eye-roll inducing classic: “Napping? That’s never an issue. Why, I just tell him to lay down and he closes his eyes.” We know this is a thing because Erin was guilty of this one, but don’t worry, she followed up with four more kids. She’s been duly adjusted.
Notice the common denominator of “never”? You know what “never” is? It’s the devil’s stink bomb. It’s that sneaky ass Norwalk virus lingering on the public restroom door handle that will transform your household into Calcutta. It’s that cop lurking behind the Dunkin’ Donuts billboard where the speed limit plummets meteorically from 55 to 35. You’re not going to see it coming, but it’s going to take you down.
Now if your Sucker Baby was not first in the birth order, this letter isn’t really for you. If you’re like Ellen, you KNOW you are blessed with this bundle of docile and you are not passing judgments on ANYONE because you have already walked through the Valley of the Spirited Child. However, if the stork brought your bundle of serene first, like Erin, you may be under the impression you got this shizz handled, just like Custer . . . before his LAST Stand.
Well, we got your other side of the Sucker Baby coin . . . and the battle scars to prove it. Here are the differences.
It begins in infancy . . .
As you peacefully dine at a restaurant with your bundle of joy slumbering in her infant carrier, you notice a frantic woman attempting to nurse her screaming banshee as her food congeals into a lump of nasty. When she dashes to the restroom to mop the spit-up from her hair and her spouse sprints to the car for the magic binkie, their waiter stops by your table explaining the restaurant is taking up a collection to pay their bill to get them OUT NOW. (Ellen wishes the part happened where they paid for her meal.)
And continues into toddlerhood . . .
Playgroups for you mean relaxing over a cup of coffee as you tsk-tsk at the mother on For-The-Love-Of-All-That-Is-Holy-Don’t-Break-Anything duty. Whether it’s blocking the seven foot tall bookcase deathtrap or diverting from the precious glass curio case filled with Lladro, she is on her toes. But bonus for her, she is sweating off the baby weight. (Or at least that is the delusion Ellen used to soothe herself to sleep with at night once upon a time.)
You may have been the pious one to look some frantic mom in the eye and utter, “You may want to take a break from playgroup until you can control your child better.” (Hmmm, maybe you should be afraid because Erin never forgets a face.) Moving on . . .
You think you know tantrums? If you’ve never abandoned a full cart of groceries and dragged a flailing child out of the store by her heels because your 8 and 98/100 months pregnant self couldn’t get a grip on her, then you’re not Ellen. Although Erin has everyone beat. She was told by a priest “God will understand if you take a break from church.” (Erin got a coupon for half off her next exorcism, so really, it was a wash).
So let’s make this clear. If you have never experienced parenting on the beaten-down side of the above scenarios, then you need to keep your advice to yourself. Your little “Ignore the bad and praise the good and they will realize they get more attention for the good behavior,” or your recommendation to simply say “I can’t understand you when you’re whining” is no good here. Those are fighting words to a spirited child and you risk altitude sickness from how quickly things will escalate. This is a different level of child who requires a different level of fortitude. Your advice works, just not for these little ones. We know because we’ve been on both sides of the equation.
Here’s the only advice these frazzled parents of the less than perfectly behaved toddlers need: Make your boundaries and STICK TO THEM like industrial strength Velcro because the payoff will come in the teen years. These folks deserve sympathy and kind smiles because it is HARD to stand your ground when you are getting battered every. single. day. by a terrorist with a Napoleon complex and rudimentary communications skills. Most of these parents could also use wine. Or a beer. At the very least, go get them a grocery cart when they’re struggling into the store.
We’ll let you in on a secret, too. Those willful little terrorists transform into some very fine citizens with some very desirable traits such as not following the crowd and thinking outside the box. Just because a sprite is asked to leave story time, does not mean she is destined for the Hoodlum Highway.
So let’s all remember that every child is different. Oh, and keep on your toes. While a little rebel is creating a diversion, your little angel could be sneaking over the line without you ever noticing.
We just thought we would give you a chance to shed your McJudgy pants before Karma came along and delivered you a swift kick in them.
Your friends,
Ellen and Erin
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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”
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I’ve always been aware of this; while Baguette is in many ways easier than I had expected, my mother always made one thing clear.
I was a sucker baby.
Apparently I was easy. My brother was a funny, exuberant, tantrum-prone bull in a china shop. I still remember the way he’d scream until he was purple. So I know I’ve got it good.
Tragic Sandwich recently posted..“It’s Only a Phase” Is For Us, Too
Bravo and God Bless to the mommas who know that they’ve got it good! Ellen
No, no, my well behaved mild mannered 4 year is that way because of my stellar parenting skills. The reason why my two year old is a tantrum prone, stubborn wild child is society’s fault.
Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point recently posted..Down With the U.K. (again)!
Ah yes. That is a goodie too! Ellen
Ah….Lil Biddie stories always make me feel that there is hope for my little curly-headed terrorist. This post reaffirmed my decision to take away the Barbies after a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day on Monday. Hopefully she will get her ‘tude in check and earn them back at some piint before high school. Thank you, Sisterhood!
Nicole,
We are pulling back the facade of perfect one inch at a time! That is what I love about the bloggy world: a broad collection of experiences. When I had Coco, I was just surrounded by people who apparently had mild children. It took me a while to find my understanding, non-judgmental Sisterhood. 🙂 Ellen
I had a pretty good infant, but she’s turning into a terror of a toddler. I have said often and will say here again: To all parents I judged before I had my child, I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I get it now.
You are absolved ! 🙂 Ellen
I had the “Spirited” child first. Every statement I made was an intro to a negotiation with that one. Almost four years later I had the docile sweet baby every parent wishes for. She tricked me into wanting a third. Sixteen months after she was born, I gave birth to a holy terror! He put the first to shame! He screamed all the time, barely needed sleep, didn’t nurse well, spit up A LOT and had me considering escape by jumping out the window in the middle of the night! At eight months we finally figured out part of his problem was an allergy to cows milk which started a whole new round of challenges of dietary adjustments. But his demeanor was so much better! He was actually a happy kid! The spirited one is a funny intelligent 7th grader, the sweet one is still sweet but she definitely has an edge to her from living in between the other two. And the third is a funny, outgoing, generous, kind hearted handful with ADHD and absolutely no dietary issues any longer. I KNOW kids are born with the personality they are going to have for life. As parents we just have to work with what we get and do our best to help them become productive citizens.
Exactly Jen! We just have to ride and guide the wave (or tsunami, depending on the day). Ellen
Uh guys?
This is my favorite post from you EVER.
EVER!
I laughed and nodded my head and awww’d for you. For all of us, actually.
Super funny stuff!
Dawn Beronilla recently posted..100 Dogs In A Month
That is high praise! Thank you! Ellen
Lmbo.. I got the spirited child first, followed by a laid back but keep us on our toes with allergies and sickness through most of his toddlerhood middle child and the baby has been our sucker baby. Even at 13 he will still walk up behind me wrap his arms around me and say I love you mom I thought you looked like you needed a hug.. sighs..
Southern Angel recently posted..When I grow up I want to be…. Monday Listicles..
Awww, the sucker baby is a wonderful thing. My sucker baby texts me like I’m her girlfriend, just to share.
God gave me my wild child so I wouldn’t think I was His gift to parenting and He made sure to give her to me first because if she had been later in the birth order, she might have been the end of me. 🙂 Ellen
I’m big sister to two who were born when I was old enough to pay attention, and mama to a sucker baby. My husband is the youngest of four- the only baby he ever watched grow up is his own. I can’t convince him that ours is the weird kid! But fortunately he doesn’t want another immediately, so there’s time to train him.
Maybe, he’ll never have to learn! Just make sure he doesn’t dispense parenting advice to the general public, bless his heart. Ellen
Thankfully, any inclination towards that behavior was ended by his older sisters and their broods. The ladies will have none of this! 🙂
I have gotten the full spectrum. My #1 was pretty darn easy. But we knew it. By easy I mean NORMAL (so everything typical). Twin 1 was hell on wheels as a newborn since we had out of control gas/colic/with all of the projectile vomiting one can expect. Twin 2 was drama in the womb kicking the crap out of me (almost literally) and still does. Note- the boys are 4, 2 & 2. We got the full monty over here. And when one twin is freaking out (which happens more frequently in public than I’d like to admit–) twin 2 is having his own personal meltdown. I would never, ever EVER judge another mom with a toddler, etc. Unless they’re perfect. Then I will assume they are drugging him or her.
You made my eye twitch reading this! I’ve seen some of the comments on your latest post and woman, I think you rock it pretty darn well! Ellen
THANK YOU!!! I have twin boys (2.5 years old) and it is a wild, insane, chaotic ride every moment of every day. Enjoy motherhood? Are you kidding? Every moment of every day is a battle of wills.
I loved this post! “Sucker baby,” “Valley of the Spirited Child,” “God will understand if you take a break from church.” So much greatness!
My nephew is a sucker baby, and he has a sibling on the way. *insert evil laugh
Amy recently posted..The Camera And The Cranky Kid
I am evil laughing with you. And just to be clear, the words “God will understand if you take a break from church,” were ACTUALLY uttered to Erin. Ellen
So where can I get me one of these sucker babies????
I once posted on my personal FB about my (lack of) sleep woes, and a first time mom with a TWO week old, had the nerve to comment “not my baby. I can run the vaccuum, dog barks, etc. and she sleeps through it all!” It was SO SO hard to bite my tongue because in her case, I knew it was likely because her baby was two friggin weeks old! Sure enough, a little while later, she now frequently posts about her sleep aggravations.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..A Typical Mealtime with Kids
YOUR Facebook page is what sparked this post in my head. I wanted to put it out there that yeah, our “Spirited Children” are now in their teens and everything is just fine. (Most of the time.)
Karma does hate a McJudgy Pants. 🙂
Ellen
Lol… judging is just karmic recklessness!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..A Letter to My Pregnant, Child-Less Self: Afterthoughts
I teach those terrorists every day and wonder how on earth any of you do it at home. I only have to deal with a particular child for 45 minutes. You have to deal with them 24/7 on weekends and vacations. Sometimes that 45th minute never looked so good!
Sparkling74 recently posted..Mediterranean Chicken My Way
Oh my gosh! I love this phrase: “Sometimes the 45th minute never looked so good!”
Ellen
I was doused with unsolicited advice like so much gasoline when my first baby wouldn’t, for the love of God, sleep without screaming for an hour. The advice was always from one mom or another whose baby started sleeping through the night when said baby’s ankles were still stuck in the birth canal. And I always wanted to scream, “I have more experience dealing with a difficult sleeper than you!” And then I’d wish with all my evil might that THEIR next baby would have colic, too.
Jenny recently posted..5 Soft Milestones of Childhood
This is fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All mothers to be need to read this–it is all so true. Love You!!
You nailed this one. And while I don’t believe in karma it might explain why I keep running into these mamas, as I was once insufferably smug myself for about three months post-morning sickness for the second child and pre-reality for both.
Golden, halcyon days…
Afreakingmen.
I have a spirited first child, who was the opposite of sleeping-through-the-night, eat-everything-you-give-him, no-tantruming child. 3 years on, he’s still spirited and by god somedays I want to poke my eyes out. But of course I love, love, love him. I wouldn’t give advice though, unless you want to know how I DON’T poke my eyes out.
My second is easy (easier?) but I would never throw that at someone and say, oh MY child sleeps through the night! (yes, sometimes, when HE’S CUDDLED UP WITH ME – can you tell sleep training is going south?)
Alison recently posted..7 Deadly Sins Of Blogging
Okay, I almost choked to death on my yogurt with the Norwalk virus and the door handle…Bwahahahahahaha!
This is SO true! My sucker baby was (luckily) my second. I cannot imagine how devastated if she had been first…and THEN I experienced the horror that was the infancy and toddlerhood of my son.
Then, “God will understand if you take a break from church” oh…that is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Well done!!
The Dose of Reality recently posted..The Most Shameful Parenting Moment I Have Ever Faced
There are a few people I’d like to send this to, but I don’t have ovaries of steel, alas! 🙂 This is awesome.
Mamarific recently posted..Interrupting all Programmes: Taking Back the Dial of Life
Such a good post. Oh how I wish I was into blogging when my first born was a baby. It would have been so helpful. Great blog – you ladies rock!!!!
Julie Chenell DeNeen recently posted..Lying to Your Kids About Sex Toys
Preach it! This one needs to be shared with the world. You ladies sure know how to send a thoughtful message, tell vivid stories, and sprinkle in goodies like “the devil’s stinkbomb” and “The Valley of the Spirited Child” like none other.
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. recently posted..Reality Killed The Soap Opera Star
Oh, man. This is great! One of my pet peeves is parents who are like, “It’s not the child, it’s the parents” when my kid is throwing a fit in the middle of Nordstrom. Yes. Because at home my husband and I take turns modeling boneless tempertantrums and never, ever meeting her emotional needs. Also it’s never occured to us to just tell her to stop. Thanks for suggesting we “put our foot down.”
Larks recently posted..Guns don’t save people, people save people.
I am guilty of the heinous, related crime of giving out parenting advice before I had kids!!! I was such a good mom back then, though. I couldn’t help myself! I had so much to offer people. I am obviously getting my just deserts now.
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I can’t believe this sat in my reader for a few days before I read it! So funny. You guys are awesome!
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Thanks!
I love this post. I have 5, and each one got worse. Dont know why I didnt stop sooner but the youngest is now 3 and its starting to get e little better. Oldest is 15 and I think its easier… then again, she’s the sucker child…
I only have one, and he has been a dream from day one. But I don’t look down on other parents or give advice for two reasons: 1) I’ve been around tons of children my whole life (huge family), and I know that I could put my life in danger by criticizing an overwhelmed mom. 2) I have heard too many moms say, “If my second child had been my first, I would’ve never had another!” This strongly confirmed my suspicion that I had won the baby lottery, and I wasn’t going to jinx myself by criticizing other moms. I still have to make it through the teen years, and he could turn on me at any time. But it also helped me decide that I’d stick to one child. I’m spoiled, I know it, and I like it. I see no need to roll the dice twice. I fear I am too impatient and spirited, myself, to handle a child with that temperament, anyway.
I just found your blog and LOVED this! I have drug the child out of the store, while 8 months pregnant and wanted to punch some of the onlookers! Thanks for the laugh – I will be back.
I hope some of those comments weren’t real. I would have to punch anyone who said such idiotic things to me, which would only confirm everyone’s suspicions about where my daughter got her temper from.
I thank fate every day for blessing me with a sucker baby as my second and final child, because the whole thing seems like the most amazing cake walk. I keep girding my loins for the next battle, but each stage just slips by in relative peace. I can’t believe it.
People as presumably intelligent as my OB have said, “Oh, it just seems easier because you’re a more experienced parent now.” BWAHAHAHA!!! No. It’s easier because he’s a happy, mellow little guy who is content playing with his feet while I go to the bathroom. His sister was and is not.
Azara recently posted..She’s a princess
I LURVE this. I have a friend who’s doing this right now and I am keeping my mouth shut even though I SO want to lecture her.
Children are like video games, they come in different levels. Easy, Moderate and INSANE. Starting off with an Easy means you’re going to have a difficult adjustment if #2 is a harder level. Whereas starting with INSANE and then downgrading to Easy is like a walk in the park.
I was the oldest child and had a few sucker baby siblings. I always expected to start off with an angelic first baby after hearing stories of my own infanthood. But no. I started with INSANE. So now that my second is still up 3 times a night even though tomorrow is her first birthday, I just shrug. There are worse things.
Jessica recently posted..I’m Jess and I’m an Atheist
Haha. My son is pretty close to being a sucker baby (minus the reflux and rough first week) but I know better than to brag about it – apparently my sister was a sucker baby. My parents joked once that she tricked them into thinking parenting was easy so they decided to have another kid. I was the complete opposite: colicky, grumpy, didn’t want help, didn’t want anything to touch my feet, etc.
Laura recently posted..We Don’t Parent in America
Oh gosh. These parents make me want to beat my head against a wall. I get so sick of feeling like something is wrong with me when really I think my kids are just normal, right? Right?? Just say yes to make me feel less crazy 😉
Meredith recently posted..Moo Cow of the Year
Love this. I have two kids, neither of which are sucker babies overall. I thought my older one was tough with his no sleeping, constantly sick, strongest willed child ever… and then his daredevil brother came along. Ug.
I’d like one of those sucker ones…
Anita @ Losing Austin recently posted..Happy Birthday Week
I have six kiddos… my first was my most willful, and required INCREDIBLE discipline on my part… to be consistent and stick to my guns. Then I had “miss complacent”, and then “Miss Terrible” (but she was not strong willed, she had an autism spectrum disorder….no amount of godly parenting was going to put her in line!), then a sassy compliant, and then a CUDDLY compliant (oh I praise God for the ease of this 5th baby!!), and now, baby six… well… he’s got me back on my toes!! I hope and pray I will have the energy to stick to my guns like I had to do with baby number 1. Much harder to do that now… since I’m incredibly busy homeschooling the others!! (I used to judge moms of many who had a toddler out of line… I figured they had just dropped the ball… turns out, they were just too busy with the others to get a grip on Terrible Twos! *sigh* looks like I’m about to be that mom! shame on me for being miss judgmental!)
Thanks for the post.
I only have one and, yes, she is a “sucker baby” and that’s one of the main reasons we decided not to have another one – because why tempt fate? (Well, that and because neither my husband nor I are exactly what you’d call “spring chickens,” and I don’t want to have to sign out of the retirement home to attend my daughter’s high school graduation.)
In any case, moms of multiples will get no judgy-mcjudgypants from me. I know I’ve got it good. I also know that they don’t need to hear me talk about it.
Love this. So true. We call a friend’s first child false advertising because he was so easy. My 3-yr-old has never met a tantrum she couldn’t pick up and run with. Doesn’t eat. Doesn’t go to sleep. Wakes up early. It goes on. I couldn’t believe my doctor asked if I was using a firm voice. I wanted to give him a firm shove. And the whining comment. I still try that all evidence to the contrary. Why do I still think it will work? Probably because I’m desperate!
Liz recently posted..Zoe vs. Potty Training, Part the Second
Half off the next exorcism – bahahaha. But seriously, do you guys have a coupon code for that? I have a two-year-old who may need that.
This is your best post! I had the spirited child first and when she was still getting up 5-7 times during the night in Kindergarten, while my two toddlers slept through, I took her to a psychologist for help. Here’s what she said: Will the qualities that she has serve her well as an adult? Uhmmm, not following the crowd but following her passions (singing in the middle of the night?), and asserting her self….uhhh, YES. The psychologist said that my daughter isn’t the one with the problem, it was me, trying to make her like all the other little kids. It was a great lesson for me, because now I share this with everyone…kids come into the world with a personality, you don’t create it and it is your job to help them manage what they’ve got! You hit it on the head! My spirited child is in 8th grade, an honor student, an actor and a singer, and most important, she is kind. She is a great kid!
I love you guys. I love that you get it and that you are real. Also? “ovaries of steel”? My new favorite descriptor ever. xo
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