Christmas Pintershizz: The Final Countdown

Sing it with us! “It’s the most wonderful time of the year . . .”  Hmmm, let’s not. How about we up the reality on this bad boy season and all download The Final Countdown?

Pintershizz Christmas Edition

Ellen: Is it crazy that I’m stewing in jealousy because my Jewish friends checked off their holidays in one epic swoop this year: Thanksgivukah? Sure it was a swirling dervish of exhausting festiveness at the time, but now they are done: D-O-N-E done.

Erin: Your spirit must be crushed to be envious of two holidays smashed together. Pushed up against the Shutterfly deadline again?

Ellen: Is it that obvious? I thought squeaking in under their free shipping cutoff was going to be the end of me . . . AGAIN.

Erin: We always poo poo pissin’ contests, BUT I have you beat. I am fighting the machine of the ACTUAL Shutterfly deadline. Like no-money-in-the-world-can-get-you-your-book if you miss this deadline.

Ellen: And the last day to order on most other sites is drawing near.  I always feel carefree about shopping when the internet is my safety net . . .

Erin: Until BAM! That safety net is ripped away like Santa scratching your name off of the Nice List.

Ellen: Amazon Prime  has lessened my stress considerably, but really, I think it may have exacerbated my procrastinating tendencies. You can’t wrap what you don’t have. I’m predicting my traditional Christmas Eve date with Scotch Tape and Pinot Noir in the unfinished side of my basement will be a “go” again this year.

Erin: I hate to burst your miniscule bubble of holiday cheer, but in a couple of days even Amazon Prime won’t be able to save you because there is no “Bend the Time Space Continuum” shipping option. You’ll have to resort to going into actual stores if you don’t pull yourself together.

Ellen: I feel myself shutting down. So what better way to cope than to avoid my Christmas list altogether and just make fun of stuff on Pinterest?

Erin: I’ll jump on your Procrastination Train! Its Caboose of Denial looks comfy. The stewards to stroke my hair and make shushing noises is a nice touch. Besides, I’m counting on elves this year to save me.

 

Ten Things Pintershit That Better Not Be Under Our Trees

Erin’s List

1. Godfather Gone Wrong

I love the classic movie “The Godfather”, but this pillowcase is taking fandom a bit too far and a little over the top. Fake gore on your pillow just seems so wrong. Plus it would be hard to explain to the six year old.

Horse head

2. Handbag From Hades

I like a great bag as much as the next girl, but this one is only appropriate for your next party down by the River Styx. I feel like I would need to pack some extra biscuits in it for Cerberus, but it hardly seems big enough for the reed pipe I’d need to lull him to sleep. Save this little beauty for another day or another girl who doesn’t know her mythology like I do. Or for someone you don’t like.

hades handbag

3. Sucker!

My 13 year old’s classmate brought these to school for a birthday treat. Look closely. That’s right—there are scorpions, real scorpions– imbedded in these bad boys. Supposedly, some of the kids LOVED them. I don’t care if they are prepackaged and gluten-free, I can’t get over that scorpions are venomous creatures. I just shuddered. I repeat, “DO NOT buy this for me.” Unless you want an Erin-sized hole in your front door as I run screaming for my life.

scorpion-suckers

4. Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

This gives new meaning to the phrase “My dogs are tired.” Why would you make shoes like this?

dog shoe

Ellen: I don’t know, but your octogenarian catchphrases delight me every. single. time. They’re the bee’s knees.

Erin: There is no shame in being well read . . . and I can crash a bridge game like a boss.

Ellen: I have to agree, that is a skill that could come in mighty handy, as handy as hip pockets on a hog.

Erin: Now you’re just mocking me.

5. Sweater With a Side of Surgical Mask

There’s almost nothing I love more than turtlenecks and sweaters during the cold winter months; so I would normally welcome a gift like this. There is just something clinical about the weird way you’re supposed to wear it over your face. It says, “I take my fashion with a side of Ebola virus.” This would make Christmas dinner at the family homestead awkward, especially since I would have to consume my entire meal through a straw. Ham and potato smoothie, yuuummmmm.

mcx-alexander-wang-look6-lgn

Ellen’s List

6. Wonky Wookie

I like Stars Wars as much as the next person, but this is a little much. Dressing like Chewbacca would just make me feel like I forgot to wax.  Don’t tell me it’s for Halloween because I already have a bevy of Hallo-Awkward-Ween choices lined up for next year.

But on second thought, if I wore this, could I get away with just wookie roaring at everyone? Hmmmm . . . or rather Arrrarroowwrrerr.

f000_chewie_costume_hoodie

By the way, special thanks to infolinks for taking my query — “How to write Chewbacca sounds?” — as seriously as I take my writing. I got THE right information for THE right decision, yo. Integrity.

7. Christmas No

Don’t think that just because this sweater embraces more of a yuletide theme that it is appropriate. Just to be clear, this does not give me the warm and fuzzies. It gives me visions of Labradors peeing on my feet. You, know, because  I would be a tree.

christmas sweater

8. Heck No

Wellllllllllll, I think there is something obviously and freudian-ly amiss with a monstrous shark emerging from a crotch. But really, I don’t care to hate on Ariel or cause little wanna-be princesses angst; let alone inflict my daughters with that much mortification. Who, aside from a Victoria Secret model, can stand that much groin gawking during a simple day at the beach? Although . . . this would be hilarious on a Disney cruise, right? Mwahahahaha.

shark vs mermaid

9. The Gift That Keeps On Drowning

Now that I have a complex about sharks eating mermaids, I would just consider this gift a blatant and aggressive threat on my well-being. Can you actually imagine swimming, I mean, not drowning in this??

But it does provide a nice set-up for the gift of laughter. What do you call a muffin top squeezed up by a mermaid tail? A tuna roll! I’m here all week, folks.

MERMAID-TAILS-570

10. Just Take A Baseball Bat To My Knee

My knee is always just one twitch away from needing an MRI. Disability can even stalk me while walking in a straight line on level ground. These shoes would just seal the deal in a slow and tortuous way. Who am I kidding? It would be fast and epic. Regardless, the spikes would make it hard for you to remove my shoe from your arse when I shoved it there for giving me such an awful gift.

spikeheel

 

However if you insist on giving me that shoe, you know, for my own fashion good, then you’d better gift it with this AT-AT Walker walker. This is a Star Wars gift I can get behind. But now you’re confused, you say? I just dissed Chewbacca and now I’m embracing this? It’s really very simple. You just have to be discerning . . .  and read my mind.

AT-AT Walker

Here’s wishing that all your shipping deadlines are soft, your cards get sent out before President’s Day, and no one dumps Pintershizz under your tree!

xoxo

Ellen and Erin

 

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