The Internet may seem full of adorable kittens and cherubic babies, but in case you are wrapped in a magical  bubble, we’re here to tell you it’s not all rainbows and unicorn farts. There’s judgement. And it can be harsh. One of the more awesome topics rising again to the top of the primordial goo is family size. We’re not talking about Stouffer’s lasagna, we’re talking about people actually thinking you want to hear their opinions on the perfect number of family members for you.

You have 5 kids!?! They are doomed to feel like they have to fight for love and affection. And do you really feel like it’s your right to overpopulate the planet??

Insert eye roll. Now.

One kid!?! OMG! How can you subject them to such a lonely existence?

Insert disbelieving head shake.

Only two kids? How predictable.

Um, what?

Well, since we too are on the Internet, we thought you needed our opinions, no, more than that, you deserved them. Erin has 5 kids and Ellen has 2, therefore we proclaim ourselves experts. Erin will debate on the side of Super-Sized and by default, Ellen’s family will hereunto be known as Fun-Sized.

Super-Sized vs. Fun-Sized

Point #1: Decking the Halls

Let’s get this party rolling with a festive yuletide vibe.

Erin: Ready to adorn your abode with the bangles and baubles of the season? Go big or go home! You want my army when it’s time to haul boxes out from attics, basements, and from under beds. My troops can have you trimmed and hung with all the trappings in no time flat. In fact, my mom even borrows them to help decorate her house.

Ellen: You really just said “trimmed and hung.” Heh, heh.

Erin: You’re just jealous because my Christmas happens like the kids from Charlie Brown jacking up that pitiful tree.

Ellen: Point conceded. And if they’re for hire, feel free to send them my way.

Point #2: Seeing the Movies

Going to the movies. What a wonderful way to bond as a family.

Ellen: I win this hands down! We can all go for under $70. Woo! Hoo! In fact, we just splurged and saw Catching Fire at the IMAX.

Erin: Please don’t even tell my kids that exists. We almost never go out all together as that would constitute the GDP of a small developing nation. Plus, getting us all to agree to a time is a logistical nightmare with the teens. We tend to mobilize in small, quick units rather than descend en masse upon our poor local duplex. We are Netflix devotees.

Ellen: Always doomed to be one step behind popular culture. So sad.

Point #3: The Food

No matter what size your family is, they want dinner. Every. Single. Night. And this unfortunately requires grocery shopping.

Erin: I’ve got this! We can buy in bulk AND they haul in the groceries and unpack them.

Ellen: I don’t know if the word “bulk” applies to you. I think for your family it’s just ‘groceries’.  But I counter. I can shop without a weight belt or a forklift. Or a second mortgage.

Erin: But my family is like a foolproof diet plan. Open a bag of chips? Gone like I live with locusts. Baking cookies? I don’t even have to remove them from the pans. And I don’t have the need for tons of pesky plasticware. Leftovers are not known in this dojo.

Ellen: My girls haul in groceries too AND they make the pies and help prep the meals.

Erin: Mine just eat. And eat. And eat. And eat. It never ends.

Ellen: Didn’t you have to buy another refrigerator just to hold your school lunches?

Erin: At least I have a place for beer in the summertime.

Ellen: Wow, it’s weird. I feel like you won AND lost this point.

Point #4: Travel

Whether by train, plane, or automobile, travel can be a way to rejuvenate your soul . . . if you can block out the are-we-there-yets.

Ellen: This is where being a fun-sized foursome is sheer perfection. We are an Expedia dream team—ready to pounce on any deal, able to fit into any accommodations, created for any discount dinner coupon.

Erin: We, on the other hand, inspire incredulous hotel staff to sputter things like “Just how many people are you thinking of cramming into that room?” And we’re barely mobile on wheels. Strapping, young sixteen year olds barely fit on a bench seat in a minivan and regress in maturity in direct correlation to the amount of time they are asked to do so. Yippe-freakin’-yay.

Ellen: But hey, your kids learn important lessons in spatial relations. I love how they have to rest their feet on their duffel bags and hold their pillow if they want to bring them.

Erin: I really feel like you just mocked me.

Point #5: Your Happy Place

Don’t you love those moments when all is right with the world and everyone is on the same page where the bluebirds are singing and the chipmunks are weaving flower garlands?

Erin: Well, with five kids, three of which are residing on Planet Teen, the odds are never EVER in my favor that everyone is going to be happy at once.

Ellen: Two many names in the proverbial fish bowl of hormones, huh? Would it make you feel better that I think I have one that can produce an epic meltdown worthy of a team of three?

Erin: Only if I didn’t have one just like her, but it’s a him. Double dose that mess with some testosterone.

Ellen: We’ll call it a draw.

See? We have solved the problem of the perfect family size. What’s that? You don’t feel like we tackled the big issues like cost, birth order, and fragile psyches? You don’t feel like we declared a winner? Well, not to go all Dr. Seuss on you, but maybe all it takes is to look into your heart and know what’s right for you. Or if that doesn’t flip your garbage can, how about some advice from Oscar the Grouch? Mind your own freakin’ business.

-Ellen and Erin