Ar%%%^GHKlsmdk@$&$@jhy^bleeeeeeerrrrrrggh.
That’s what having a stroke looks like in print.
Okay, that was melodramatic, but my eye did twitch when I read Why I Don’t Want My Kids Doing Chores — Even If They’re Age-Appropriate.
The author recounts a tale of when her 5 year old, on her own initiative, swept up the kitchen floor and then asked the author to get the dustpan for her because it was out of reach. The author’s response?
I sighed loudly. “I’ll just do it,” I said as I swept up the pile of dried peas and other assorted remnants from dinners past.
She then goes on to say how dejected her daughter looked, but she she just can’t stand it when her child “cleans” because it makes a bigger mess. She is also tired of everything being a lesson.
So this mother’s compulsion with perfection and her exhaustion from parenting notwithstanding, there is a very good reason why I want everyone to teach their kids to do chores.
Because if you don’t, society has to and I’m a member of society.
Let’s go over the first step to creating needy cretins. Little kids love to help, but they don’t do it well–neuromuscular development and all that. By shutting them down when they try to help, you are sending the message loud and clear that it is only worth trying if you can achieve perfection. Well, that’s a real “take the initiative” killer.
Here’s a little spoiler alert from someone who has teens: Their skills get better, but their attitudes get worse. May Mr. Clean be there to pick up the pieces if you crush their faith in their abilities when they are young. You’re not going to get THAT teen in motion without a stick of dynamite and a crowbar.
And this goes beyond cleaning because I don’t care if you have a 6 year old or a 16 year old, that clean floor isn’t going to last past the next snack. What does last is the impression you have given your child that they are not competent, they shouldn’t even try, and there is always someone much better to do it for them.
Those dejected preschoolers turn into lumps of young adulthood who can’t wash their own clothes, pay their electric bills on time, or respond to deadlines. And guess what? They don’t want to because someone has always stepped in to do it for them.
I have been “teaching” my girls to clean the bathroom for years. Fifteen years later, my daughter is still in denial that the toilet is part of the bathroom. But my response is not to sigh and grab the scrub brush. Instead I tell her, “How about practicing being your best self and do a little better?” Parenting lessons never stop, even when it’s just a toilet.
I’m making my best efforts to raise human beings who won’t ruin your day with their crushed spirits and incompetence. Society would be a much more pleasant place if we all did likewise.
-Ellen
You might also be interested in Kids Need the Word “No” and THIS is Why We Share Parenting Advice.
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AMEN. My son loves to help around the house, and I can just see his confidence raised when he does and I thank him (not even with a reward, just with words). It has translated over to him being very helpful in his classroom and that makes his teacher’s life easier. Already making an impact at 5.
Jessica recently posted..[306/365] Fifty-Eight
“Thank you” is a powerful phrase. I expect my kids to pitch in because they are part of this family, but gratitude is always in order. Ellen
You’re damn right. I also call B.S. on a five-year-old being unable to put her own toys away properly. My son has been putting away toys since he was two.
Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 recently posted..You Can’t Be a Sexist Feminist
i think the problem isnt so much that the child isnt able to put the toys away but that the mom expects them to be organized a certain way.
Looking forward to reading more. Excellent post.Really thank you! Continue writing.
I LOVE this! Our 6, 5, & 3 year old are already doing their laundry and asking for more “chores”. If you don’t let them do it when they’re eager, they’re not going to want to do it later.
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And then people wonder why we have a generation of teens who think the world owes them a living. They cannot handle the mundane task of even working at a place like McDonalds because they have never washed a dish, swept a floor or done anything else. SMH my kids have chores.. period.
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It’s really learning what it takes to balance your time and that even if some things aren’t fun, some things are necessary. Ellen
Amen!!! I am working on a series of posts all about chores. I went and skimmed that other article and it made me cringe. It is our job to raise these people to become contributing members of society!! She is so put out that it might be her job to do so that it makes me a little scared. I just hope she’s not representing the majority! And like you said, as they get older their skill set gets better, but their attitude sucks, but it is so important to teach those skills. The point is NOT how clean they get the house, the point is they are learning valuable skills. Love this post!!!
Stacey recently posted..10 reasons your children should do chores
Do you have a blog post on ideas on how to get your kids to do chores on the regular? Like methods you use. Sometimes my kids will do chores, and sometimes they just won’t. I think timing has a lot to do with it, but I don’t know. I’m always looking for ideas.
Michelle recently posted..Don’t Crap on my Lawn and Pretend you Fertilized It!
What we do is:
1. have “whole family cleaning time” on Saturdays or Sundays. We start off with the list of chores and people get assigned/bid on what they want to do. Right now, we divide and conquer – one kid per adult to make sure that the work is done right.
We also put an incentive (if we finish by Xtime, we can go do fun thing…) We also make it EXTREMELY clear what happens if we catch any skiving- losing privileges.
2. I have a checklist of daily chores that the boys have to follow – such as “feed dogs, put away back backs, put shoes in shoe box, etc” I do have to remind them, which drives me nuts (I mean, really, every single day you forget to feed the dogs?) but they do it usually at the first prompting.
3. We get them to help us whenever we are doing chores. I try to not let them sit around while I am cleaning (it pisses me off) and I try to explain to them how it makes me feel when someone is playing on their phone while I am sweeping up a mess that is definitely not all mine. My husband regularly gets one of the kids to be “sous chef’ when he cooks dinner, or I will get the kids to dry while I wash dishes, or run around the house grabbing dirty dishes when loading the dishwasher.
4. we have a “No whining” policy. You don’t get to whine about chores. You can ask in a reasonable tone of voice for a dispensation or postponement (such as “Can I finish this level in my game as I cannot save it”). But “I don’t wanna” is not good enough. I don’t wanna either. Suck it up, buttercup.
Yes! Divide and conquer! And no one sits around while someone else is cleaning UNLESS they were just super efficient and got done early. 🙂
Great list Siobhan. Thanks! Ellen
Find what their motivation is and use it. What works for every child and every family is different. If they love to watch tv, play outside, play video games…whatever is a daily part of their life that they would miss if it was gone or love to have more of, use it. Chores not done? No playing outside that day. Great job on chores all week? Extra hour to stay up late on Friday. Don’t make up anything new or elaborate or you won’t stick with it. Take a few minutes to brainstorm what you want done and how often and what the consequences or rewards will be. Sit the kids down, go over it with them and give them a week or so of gentle reminders from you before the real deal sets in where they are responsible for keeping up with it themselves.
We really started blogging after our kids were older so there is no post.
When my two were young (I’m talking starting around 6 y/o) they each had short lists of jobs–two simple jobs they had to do daily-like put their clothes in the hamper and put dishes in the dishwasher and once a week type tasks like dusting.
For the once a week jobs it was up to them to decide when to do them. If they completed their jobs without reminding, they got 30 minutes of computer time. Having to be reminded once got 10 minutes taken away, etc. If they got 4 weeks of completing tasks without being reminded, they got to pick something for us to do together as a family.
Now that they are teens, they pretty much pitch in to do the laundry and dishwasher duties without being asked (much). I tell them the expectations at the beginning of the week of what they need to clean before the week is over. Hopefully this is giving them the chance to learn how to balance schoolwork, activities, and downtime with the necessity of daily life chores.
Do I have to light some fires under butts? Often. But I also take the time to go over step by step what a “good job” is.Frequent refresher courses are needed. 🙂
My goal is not to have little maids–schoolwork (and oftentimes spontaneous fun) come before clean floors–but to teach my kids basic life skills so that when they go out on their own, not everything is a stressful new thing to be learned. I don’t want my kids to have to learn to follow a syllabus AND work a washing machine in the same month.
Ellen
Thank you for this “Sensible” response to that very unsensible parenting philosophy! This article is very well done and read by anyone who desires to teach responsibility (a lost art in today’s everyone is a victim society). Bravo!
You hit the nail right on the head! And I have to confessed, I LOLed at her, “Maria Montessori posted on her Facebook page [from beeeeyoooooond the graaaaavvvvve!!].”
Karyn @ PicklesINK recently posted..Minutes of Pickles Family Meeting Regarding Equitable Distribution of Chocolates
I thought she was maybe being funny with that? Ellen
I read the same blog post, and my eye twitched over the comments. OK, first let me say I agree that kids should have some form of responsibility. I also kind of cringed at reading how her kid wants to clean and she snatched the sweeping into the dustpan chore from her child as a result of some freak perfection disorder. I’m personally more inclined to letting the kids share some of the load because I just don’t like to clean anymore at all, even though I am a perfectionist myself and cringe when a job isn’t done well. But I also don’t force my kids into cleaning. I won’t fight with them about it. Sometimes I reclean what they clean when they aren’t looking. Like the way I do things is often criticized because I deal with my kids on their level based on our needs and my style as opposed to doing what everyone else is doing. The fact of the matter is, there is no way to know if your parenting methods are better than the next guy’s. There is no way to know if this woman’s kids are going to grow up to be a burden to you and your society or not. There is no reason to humiliate her, make negative assumptions, and declare her stupid or incompetent like many of the comments did on her blog. If you really truly believe her children would be better off doing some chores, there are much more productive ways to go about giving advice. Yes, my eye twitched. I felt so sorry for that blogger. She received over 500 comments on her blog alone about how she sucked. Nobody deserves that for taking the dustpan from their kid. My blog post this is sharing, Don’t Crap on my Lawn and Pretend you Fertilized It! is my response to that same blog post.
Michelle recently posted..Don’t Crap on my Lawn and Pretend you Fertilized It!
i would REALLY love not to have to care how other people rasie thier kids. but here’s the thing, at some point your lazy little monster is going to become MY problem, or the problem of someone very like me.
i know a lot of folks are put off by the venom w/ which a lot of people have responded to this woman’s article i dont feel the need to call her a shitty parent or talk about how she is sick or how sad i am for her kids. but i dont feel bad for her either. this is the social consequence for being a jack ass in 2014. i’m just glad she doesnt live next door to me.
Silly, but you have to have children do chores. No, it won’t be perfect…but if you teach them how you want it done, then it will be close. I have a housekeeper to do the big stuff, because I don’t/won’t do that…but as soon as my boys are old enough to do it all, you better believe they will…