5 Moms to Avoid at School Open House

We know you’re rocking your mothering gig quite well, but we just might have some tips that will make your life even easier. When it comes to back-to-school we’ve got some experience: Erin is a 15 year veteran, if you count preschool, and Ellen is right behind earning her stripes at 14 years.

Right about now, you may be breathing a sigh of relief because the start of school is a calendar page behind you, and your brood is settling into the comfortable groove of routine. But we say, “Nay, do not let your guard down!”

This is where our experience will be to your benefit because looming on the horizon is School Open House. We know you’ve been there before, but it’s been a whole year since the last one. You may only be remembering stale cookies and sweet teachers, but we’ve had it beaten into us that there are dangers lurking. We hold the proverbial mirror up to you and the truth. Trust us as your guides on what, or more accurately, who to avoid.

5 Moms to Avoid at School Open House. Consider yourself warned! - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

1. Clipboard Chick

Seriously, you have your own committees to fill. She can work the other side of the room. You are NOT buying what she is selling.

Good. It looks like she’s moved to the other side of that plate glass window. You know it! This is YOUR house!

2. The Peddler

Speaking of selling, this is the only woman more dreaded than the Clipboard Chick. She has never seen an eyeliner spackle kit, gold-plated garlic press, or convertible fanny pack/dignity coffin/dream killer that she hasn’t wanted to sell you. She always has a party going on if your idea of partying is spending your vacation fund on beach scented candles.

Meanwhile, there is that woman with the clipboard again, better dash to the left.

3. The Tiger Mom

You know the one. Her kids have been prepping for the SATs since second grade. You don’t need that brand of stress burrowing into your brain. “We’re lobbying for Chadwart to take the ACTs in Japanese so he can showcase his full skill set in the most efficient way possible.”

Maybe you do need a gold-plated garlic press . . . to whack her over the head.

 Damn, the Clipboard Chick is right there over your shoulder. Is it too much to ask to pee alone? She is so tacky.

4.  The One Upper

You would think she is the Tiger Mom except she doesn’t have her kids achievements on a running loop. She is a little more skilled than that. She feeds off of your conversation . . . and your will to live, to create a whole new fantastical level of humblebrag. She’s an artisan, really. “Oh your Bonnie collected for Toys for Tots”? Well, our little Magniphyscent organized the toddlers in the YMCA babysitting room to construct toys out of beach detritus and driftwood. Toys for Tots said it was the most creative upcycling of hypodermics they had ever seen.”

This woman is worth studying, though. Thanks to her competitive Pilates training, she has moves to avoid Clipboard Chick that would make a ninja weep with jealousy. She really did you a favor this time by demonstrating her cartwheel/pirouette/moon-walk maneuver. Thanks for the warning that Clipboard Chick is near! Whew, that was a close one.

5.  The Complainer

For her, nothing is right with the curriculum, teachers, food, lighting, locker room water pressure. or toilet paper absorbancy. But will she join a committee or do anything about it? Oh noooooo! She spews negativity like a geyser and avoids taking action like the plague.

But once again, you’re in luck. You won’t have to deal with Madame Debbie Downer today because she’s galloping away from you.

And that’s when you catch your reflection in the band room window . . .

The Clipboard Chick . . .

Cue the Psycho music . . .

Could it be? . . .

NO! . . .

IS YOU!

What have you become?! Even we can’t help you. On a side note, kudos to the new custodial staff for keeping the surfaces so clean, shiny, and reflective.

-Ellen and Erin

 

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10 thoughts on “5 Moms to Avoid at School Open House

  1. Kristine

    Only difference is I seek out the clipboard lady so I don’t get stuck on some stupid committee that makes me use glitter. I have avoided glitter since the glitter disaster of 2008. I aim to never use it/see it again.
    The woman with the 20 questions… does she not see our eyes roll when she puts up her manicured hand?
    Kristine recently posted..An Ode to a Sewer FlyMy Profile

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  2. Bodynsoil

    How about social climber mom: the one who is so obsessed with her children getting an athletic scholarship. That she collects names like Pez dispensers; the name are sprinkled around in copious amounts in hopes of a perceived advantage for her child.
    Bodynsoil recently posted..When good motivators go badMy Profile

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