Fall is a glorious respite between the heat and intensity of summer and the cold and bustle of winter. For those of us spellbound by the mind control allure of Pinterest and its goading to craft vintage paper leaf wreaths or fashion pumpkins out of mason jar lids (a real craft, y’all!), fall represents a simple beauty not found in the busier and flashier holiday season to come.

Fall is seemingly perfect in its jewel tones and crispness. The sunburn of summer is a fading memory and the frostbite of winter is far away, but the truth, dear friends, is there is darkness lurking under every golden maple leaf. Sure Fall lures you in with its golden sunshine and its crafty crafts, but don’t let your guard down because fall will foil you!

 

1. Pumpkins— What fault can be found with pumpkins? Whether lit as a jack-o’-lantern or left  as is, the humble pumpkin screams as the poster child of bounty and harvest . . . until they get you screaming for another reason.

Sure they look wonderful decorating your front stoop, but these beauties are inevitably forgotten in the monster mash that is Halloween. Frost and mold take their toll until Ellen is yet again scooping the squishy remains of her pumpkins off the front porch with a snow shovel. It’s like a welcome wagon for fruit flies! Yaaaayyy.

2. Football –We used to love the occasional college football game and Ellen even enjoys the NFL, but now we both have high schoolers and EVERY Friday night is a football game.

Our derrieres are frozen to the bleachers, our eyes are glazed over from the mediocre action, and our tummies are either growling from hunger or gurgling with rebellion over the crappy snack bar fare. Thanks, Fall, for turning an occasional diversion into a mandatory march. Go team!

3. Orchards—Nothing says Fall like a trip to your local orchard to get fresh apples, BUT, Danger, Will Robinson! You’re lured in with the promise of fresh air and good old-fashioned family fun. You get invigorated by the thought of a fabulous family photo perfect for a Facebook humblebrag . . . until you realize you’re being hunted like antelope on safari by a pack of yellow jackets. You know you can just buy apples at the store, right?

4. Apple Cider Donuts— Once again we have the damn orchards to blame for this one.You cannot escape the powerful grip of this confection because we’re pretty sure the farmers pipe the delicious aroma of frying donuts to all four corners of the farm. You’re pretty much yelling “Give me ALL the donuts!” by the time you hit the checkout line. But this yumminess really hits you on the bottom line, or rather, the backside. Good thing big booties seem to be the in thing.

5. Pumpkin Latte— Fall is for pumpkin-ing the everything. Ellen loves a good HOT pumpkin latte, but she limits herself to just one or two each year. It was with more than a little trepidation that she accepted the ICED pumpkin latte when they bungled her order, but she thought “Why not? How bad could it be?”

BAD!

It should ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, NEVER BE SERVED COLD. EPIC FAIL. Thanks for screwing up Ellen’s reward to herself for passing on the apple cider donuts.

6. Spiders— It’s THEIR season and we are all just living through it. Enough Said. <shiver>

7. Bipolar Temps— Fall is the ficklest of friends. Sometimes Fall will bring you temps that will make you think you woke up in July. And then again, Fall might bring you a visit from Jack Frost.

It makes deciding what to wear on a daily basis one of the trickier things you might have to navigate. Thank goodness for layers! Start the day in polar fleece, end it in a tank top.

8. Footwear— Is it okay to wear boots because it’s October, even if it’s still 80 degrees? Are flip-flops okay paired with a cardigan? Note to the chick wearing flip-flops with socks in the Starbucks line: THAT is not the best of both worlds.

9. Freakin’ Leaves—  ‘Tis the season for Mother Nature to throw a tantrum in your yard like a magazine-shredding toddler. If Fall didn’t break you with the yo-yoing temps, the flesh-hungry yellow jackets, or the donuts threatening to balloon your booty, the LEAVES will seal the deal.  And someone needs to come up with a better solution than the trusty old Rake-and-Bag because we don’t have time for the Motrin-and-Ice that follows.

10. Corn Mazes— Bottom line: You’re coughing up hard-earned cash for the opportunity to get lost. And you WILL get lost. Forty-five minutes later, you’re crashing through the border, hot, muddy, and agitated . . . only to  be scolded by the teenaged employee because you did not use the exit that was “clearly marked” on the map from hell. Fordeville Diaries knows EXACTLY what we’re talking about.

Thank goodness there’s an apple cider donut ready and waiting for you and your Donner party.

Feel like we’ve been Debbie Downers? Check out our recipes that use that modern marvel: canned pumpkin. Total autumnal upside.

Hope you are enjoying your autumn!

Erin and Ellen

 

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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

 

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