Here’s the deal. Between January 31st and February 11th, both of us have birthdays, and so do our husbands. By the time Valentine’s Day rolls around we are pretty much over it. Plus, it is soooooo hard to find our guys that many gifts in a row. Sure we wrote a gift guide for guys, BUT we already have all of that stuff.
Now don’t go calling us the Grinches of Valentine’s Day. We’re just tired of spending and doing by the time the 14th rolls round. Seriously, it’s hard enough mustering enthusiasm for birthdays once you high-five forty, but birthdays lurking along less than 50 days after Christmas? Meh. And then Valentine’s Day about a week later? Put a fork in us because we are DONE.
We are so done, in fact, that the clichés of Valentine’s Day make us want to hurt cupid with his own stupid bow and arrows. What clichés are we referring to? Basically everything clogging your Pinterest feed and ours. We like to call it Pintershizz. Here, we’ll elaborate . . .
10 Valentine’s Day Clichés That Are Pintershizz
1. Going out to dinner
Does this surprise you? In theory it sounds good and we do love date nights with our husbands. However, Valentine’s Day is like amateur night: the menus are often fixed, the prices are hiked, and the service is lousy because the poor wait staff is running ragged scattering those rose petals over champagne toasts. Give us a random Friday night out instead and we’ll swoon. Plus, Ellen still hasn’t gotten over the memory of the V-Day about 21 years ago when she and her husband got the worst case of food poisoning they have ever endured. The restaurant was named Il Fiore, but will forever be known as The ILL Fiore to Ellen and Frank.
2. Flowers
Okay, now maybe we ARE vying for the title of “Grinches of Valentine’s Day,” but flowers on V-day just seem so trite, and well, easy. And oh my goodness, they are expensive. Just surprise us with daisies on a sunny day in June and use the rest of the flower fund to make us some spare keys for our vans so we have a 60% chance of getting out of the house on time.
3. Torture devices passing as sexy
Okay, we like sexy just as much as the next girl, but if it is going to cause us the discomfort of a thousand cactus needles being shoved under our fingernails while simultaneously enduring Justin Beiber piped directly into our craniums, then you can just throw that mess onto the Pintershizz pile, too.
4. Lingerie
C’mon. Who’s the lingerie really for? Is it really a gift for us? See above if you’ve forgotten that quickly how we feel about sexy items passing for torture devices. Take Granny’s advice—nothing says sexy louder than a girl who is comfortable in her own skin panties—emphasis on the comfortable.
5. Man Costumes
No!! Just because we said that lingerie was not exactly a gift for us, we didn’t mean our men had to dress up! This does not qualify as a gift either . . . although there is the gift of laughter to consider.
6. Geekery Fashion
We know we’ve just been yucking it up with the granny panties and with lederhosen, but Valentine’s Day really isn’t the time for gag gifts. If it makes you snicker in the store, just walk away or throw it on the Pintershizz bonfire.
7. Things to Make Homemaking Easier
Get it together! No appliances are to be given on Valentine’s Day! Even a vacuum this cool can’t get you out of the doghouse . . . unless it comes with a FULL-TIME housekeeper à la The Brady Bunch. So to clarify: any appliance without an “Alice” is Pintershizz.
8. Sweets
We can hear you saying, “What is wrong with you two? What is so bad about candy on Valentine’s Day?” Well, let’s just say we’ve been working really hard trying to beat the post-40 bulge and we don’t actually want to fit into those granny panties.
9. The Love Toilet
Do we really have to explain why this is Pintershizz? C’mon, you’re better than that!
10. The Wine Purse
What did we say about tacky gag gifts . . . wait a minute. This is pure genius! Write this one down.
So what will we accept on Valentine’s Day since we have just poo-pooed a ton of the classics and then some? Well, we’d never turn away jewelry.
Unless it looks like this! Get your head in the game!
The direct route to the romance-filled center of our hearts? A night away—No! A weekend away!—fully planned by our hubbies INCLUDING arrangements for the kids and pets. That last piece of planning is what makes this the true gift of romance. Can we get an “Amen”? But even the gazillion points they would earn by scheduling babysitting would be cancelled out if they took us here.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the oh-so-easy-to-please Sensible Sisterhood!
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For 20 years I told my ex that I hated getting flowers. For 20 years he bought me flowers on Valentine’s Day (and my birthday). In year 21 came the divorce.
My current boyfriend hasn’t bought me flowers once in four years. I think he’s a keeper.
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Oh my goodness! How do you ladies find these things?! The drainpipe!
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