This country is obsessed with labeling and categorizing. Seriously, you only have to look at diet plans on Pinterest or sports camps for your kids to know this is true. Parenting styles are by no means an exception to the categorizing craze. Everyone wants to find the perfect combination of techniques and tricks that magics them the perfect children and earns them the Gold Star of Parenthood.

Are you a Kangaroo Mom?

A Helicopter Parent?

A Free Range Dad?

A Tiger Mom?

Ellen: I vote I am an Exhausted Mom. This mothering business has been been going on for close to seventeen years now. I have two teen girls who pretty much PMS simultaneously. When do I get the gold watch? Eighteen years? Twenty?

Erin: Preach! But while I think labels can be limiting, I do think identifying with a style of parenting can be grounding and directional. I’m thinking Exhausted Mom might be a little too global to actually be helpful, even if it is spot-on accurate. Drink a cup of coffee and think about it.

Ellen: Okay, I agree many people want to identify with a group, but you have five kids and I have two. We don’t have one style, or even two; we have more like seven different ways of parenting. We’ve learned from trial and much error that each child requires a different approach. We are pretty skilled at wearing different hats, after all.

Erin: I agree. Parenting is about what they need, not about how they fit into some parenting style . The nugget of relief in that revelation is that you don’t have to memorize a stack of books or treat  kids like puzzles to be solved. You just respond to each individual’s needs.

Ellen: Exactly! So Responsive Parent, it is!

Erin: Yeah, but that just seems so fly by the seat of your pants and that is really not how we do things.

For example, my husband was recently at the First Communion parent meeting for the fifth (and final!) time. Knowing the material well, and in an attempt not to doze off, he may have been yucking it up in the back with some other veterans of the course. In any case, the conversation turned toward handling kids and their dramatics and one of the other dads said to Steve, “Well, you all probably have a philosophy about that.” And it’s true.

Ellen: Alrighty then. What is this global philosophy?

Erin: Don’t let your kids drive the bus. I really can’t take credit for this because it came from my mom. One day when I was whining and fretting on the phone to her because my two rambunctious toddlers were driving me to distraction, she said, “Are you driving the bus or are they?”

Ellen: So you really think Bus Driver Mom is going to be a thing?

Erin: I don’t care if it’s A thing, but it’s our thing. You know you adhere to this philosophy, too. It’s basically this: YOU are the boss, not your child.

Ellen: Okay, before I can get on board and drop my coins in the fare box, I need to clarify one thing. You’re not talking about taking over ownership of their responsibilities, are you? Because in that department I have pushed guided my kids to be their own drivers, dispatchers, and travel agents. Now that my girls are in middle school and high school, I no longer check their homework, assignment schedules, or grades. Their work is their work.

Erin: Oh, my kids’ responsibilities are their responsibilities. What I’m saying is that the children aren’t pint-sized Napoleons dictating the tone of the household or how the family lives. It’s not to say I haven’t ever given over the reigns before, but the consequences weren’t pretty. Let’s just say that I was pretty much scared straight right back into my driver’s seat after that. But I understand the trap. Oh, yes, I do.

For example, this is a frequent cry heard on Facebook, “My sweetums won’t eat anything but chicken nuggets. I am like a short order cook. Sigh.” Okay, if you don’t have allergies or developmental issues in your household, this is just a rut your family has fallen into. It’s the ultimate trap that could bring you and your happy home down. Drive the bus onto a new road that works for you. In our house, everyone must try a bite before refusal, and then if it is rejected, fruit and yogurt is the alternative. And don’t think your kid is a special situation in this department: I’ll put my pickiest eater up against anyone’s. The list of foods he’s refused and why would make you cry (too yellow! really?!), but he’s learned the mantra “not every dinner has to be your favorite” and we are all happier for it.

Ellen: Oh I have one! What about the cry, “I can’t go out on a date with my honey because my child will only let me put her to bed.”

Erin: Yeah, everyone deserves a break because fun, especially the kind away from smaller people, doesn’t just make me a happy mom, but a happy wife and a tolerable Erin too. So get in the driver’s seat and travel on down to your local theater for a little escape and a lot of Sour Patch Kids. You owe it to yourself and your kids to give them a break from you too. I’m not saying there won’t be tears, but with some love and guidance maybe there won’t be hysterics the next time . . . or at least by the fifth time.

Ellen: Yes, because it may seem literally impossible, but the emotions become even more intense when they are teens. What I tell my girls is that they are allowed to feel whatever they are feeling, but they aren’t allowed to splash it all over the rest of us like an arsonist spreading gasoline.

Erin: Oh, the toxic splish-splash of teen angst.

Ellen: There’s this one commercial for a discipline program on satellite radio that begins, “I remember the day Jeremy told me he hated me and slammed the door in my face.” My daughter turned to me and said, “If I did that, you wouldn’t be ordering some stupid DVD, you’d be taking my door off of its hinges.” And I am completely gratified that she assumed that would be my response.

Erin: THAT is driving the bus. But you know, for every rule there is an exception. Sometimes you let your kid drive the bus if he has the brilliant idea to round up his buds for a poker night. In that case, you happily give him the keys and the snacks and watch the magic happen. As Kenny Rogers likes to say: You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. And in this case, we would add: know when to sit back, pop some popcorn, and let the hilarity ensue.

Parenting is a journey, you need to take the driver’s wheel.

If you need more encouragement to kick your mom guilt to the curb, please read “Five  Reasons You Should Take a Break From Your Kids. Bye Mom Guilt!”

-Ellen and Erin

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