Dear Participation Trophy Generation,

We’ll get right to our two points since we know we only have five seconds before you flip over to Vine: “Suck it up” and “We apologize.” These need some explanation—especially since we blasted any budding intuition out of you with our confetti cannons—but if your thumbs are already twitching to scroll, we bid you adieu with these words: “FOR THE LOVE OF FUTURE GENERATIONS GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR BUTTS, DO YOUR JOBS, AND STOP WITH ALL OF THE EXCUSES!”

For those of you sticking around out of indignation (you may lack in intuition, but indignation you got), allow us to switch gears. We’ve been told that precious snowflakes like yourselves need to be handled gently because you’re doing your best and you deserve respect, dammit; human rights and all that. You saw part of  a YouTube video on it over the shoulder of some guy on the train. You know what you’re talking about.

But that uncomfortable feeling you’re blaming us for because we’re bitches or at the very least unreasonable, is really the weight of expectations. We expect you to do the jobs you’re cashing in paychecks for every week. That’s not a reward for being cute, or showing up, that is money you EARN by fulfilling your job description.

Here’s the other thing, we don’t need to know the ins and outs of how you fulfill  your job. We just need a time frame for when the job will be done and affirmation that it will be done.

Let’s have an example. Examples are good for learning.

Say for instance you receive this call: “Hello Crofton, I really need the projected costs of printing that I asked you for two weeks ago so that we can finalize the contract.”

Here is how not to answer: “Yeah, I don’t have them because I’m new at my job/my cat died/I’m moving/the website is being redesigned/I have a dog christening to go to . . .”  Actually this example could go on forever so to summarize: DO NOT USE ANY DETAIL OF YOUR PERSONAL LIFE AS AN EXCUSE.”  It does not make us feel sorry for you. In fact, it makes a majority of us want to throttle you while screaming #SORRYNOTSORRY.

Here’s the professional way to answer: “There have been a few circumstances making the collection of those numbers challenging. However, this is now at the top of my list and I will have answers for you by tomorrow morning.” But here’s the key: You now have to ACTUALLY follow through on the work. It’s sad that does not go without saying, but really, it’s not completely your fault.

So this leads into what you will appreciate: an apology. We’re sorry, not for having expectations of you, but for not having expectations of you from an early age. How can we expect you to keep your eye on the prize of completing a job when you’ve always gotten an “A for Effort!” For people who have gotten stickers for everything from acknowledging our nagging to feed the hamster to wiping your own butts; it’s probably a eureka moment to realize performance matters.

Shame on us for doling out participation trophies, turning around scoreboards when the point gap widens too much, and for celebrating bringing up D pluses to C minuses. Guess we didn’t have the forethought to realize you’d be our employees of tomorrow and that your precious “I tried” ways would motivate us to Instagram inspirational quotes about professionalism.

So we effed up and now we’re paying for it in spades. But realizing there’s a problem is half the battle, and now that you know, we believe you can turn this around. We didn’t label 87.2% of you as “gifted” for nothing. But if you can’t, we’ve realized that it’s never too late for a little tough love. There will be some lovely pink slips waiting for you. Bright side? You’re free to make them into all the confetti you desire.

Sincerely,

Your Clients and Employers

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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”