Mother’s Day is once again upon us. A holiday proposed by Anna M. Jarvis to honor her mother that was so quickly perverted into a money-making scheme for the floral industry that she later sued to have Mother’s Day eradicated. She even went to jail over it. We are not kidding. We looked up the history and ranted about it (extensively) here.
But apparently the force is strong with the floral lobbyists, because Ms. Jarvis was no match for the ball she started rolling, since to this day we are expected to shower and be showered with gifts. Now we are suckers for homemade cards, dandelion bouquets, and macaroni tiaras because they are kid-sourced and from the heart. However, let’s just say some of the other store bought gifts and gestures might not exactly hit the mark. We’re looking at you, dads and other significant others who get involved.
We do appreciate the effort, but maybe you should save us all some time, hassle, and money, and simply toss the kids some construction paper and markers–but for the love of crafting herpes, NO GLITTER! So if it’s the thought that counts, tally up these thoughts moms have about certain presents. Let’s just put it out there that some gifts and gestures might not be saying what you think they’re saying.
1. Fresh Flowers
Wow. Not only did you forget about my raging allergies, you have given me yet one more thing to keep alive in the house. So if it comes down to the flowers or the cat, which should I choose? The litter box is pretty nasty. Hmmmm.
2. Shrub
Okay, so now I’m not only pressured to keep something else alive, I have to sweat through my granny panties to get it in the ground. A gift that has never-ending responsibility, requires tools, a hose, and heavy lifting? Um, thank you?
3. Breakfast in Bed
No stone-cold slice of bacon or dried-up piece of toast is worth the mess I will face in the kitchen.
4. Coupon Book
Oh thanks, nothing says love and “Mother’s Day is today?!” more than empty promises. Combine this with the deed to a castle and the registration papers for a unicorn and I’ve got me one humdinger of a gift.
5. Jewelry
Thanks for noticing I haven’t worn a piece of jewelry since I birthed spawn from my loins. Ripped earlobes and strangulation just aren’t that appealing to me. Strange, I know.
6. Designer Chocolates
You know I’m on a diet! Wait a minute . . . did you all just want a box of fancy chocolates for yourselves? If life is like a box of chocolates, then I just got punked.
7. Blender/Waffle Iron/Crockpot/Vacuum/Toaster
If your “gift” is part of a chore for me, just turn around slowly and put it back on the shelf . . . OR someone might get hurt. I don’t even care if it’s cute. On second thought, if this is your clever way of telling me you got me lifetime maid service, then proceed.
8. Perfume
Once again, allergies. And if you all just picked up your stinky socks, you wouldn’t have to depend on my hygiene to make this abode a fresher place to live. I swear, the pressure to make your lives great is never-ending.
9. Books
How dare you! No, just kidding. A book is actually gift perfection, and if you combine it with a locked door and a cup of hot tea, you’ve just won yourself “Kid of the Year.” Might we suggest a few books any mother would love?
Happy Mother’s Day from the Sensible Moms!
Ellen and Erin
Read about our Tale of Two Mother’s Days here!
Read about REALLY bad gifts here.
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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”
