Are you a teenager heading off to college? An adult switching careers? A woman who is starting a business? A man who is starting a family? A human being with a pulse?

Here is a simple truth with the power to set you free:

Not every question deserves an answer.

Unless you are under oath in a court of law or defending your doctoral thesis, a question asked–especially if it’s a toxic one–does not equal an answer required. As long as you maintain your composure and remain polite, you can take your time in answering or even choose not to answer it AT ALL.

This truth has been nipping at our brains for a while because Erin has a son in college and we both have more kids in the chute ready to launch toward the ivory towers. It’s so nice when people like church members, acquaintances, and random neighbors take an interest in them. However, so often it turns into an interrogation. “How are you?” morphs into “Where do you want to go to college?” leads to “Do you really think you can get into that school?” which progresses to “What are your SATs?” and finally crescendos into “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?” (“with the rest of your life” implied).

“What are you going to do?” may not seem all that bad, but once that one gets through the door it’s often followed by: “But that major is too broad!” “Do you really think you can get a job in that field?” and the best one “You’ll never be able to pay back your student loans!”

It’s almost like the shiny promise emanating from these kids makes people want to squash it. And we’re not talking about reality checks from counselors or mentors, we’re talking about the clerk at the hardware store feeling free to give his two cents.

Our friends at Grown and Flown give a whole list of stressful questions to avoid with kids trying to grapple with their futures in College Admission and Toxic Questions. They give some helpful alternative conversations starters, too.

But you know what? It’s not just adult on teen ambushes, teens can be brutal to their own kind.

Erin:  While it’s currently en vogue for a grand gesture to get your Homecoming date—fences decorated with the question, candies artfully arranged for the ask, declarations over the PA at football games (there were no less than three at the first home game we attended)—this is the toxic question writ large. The pressure to create something special enough to garner some likes on an Instagram feed and get the girl is real. However, the pressure to be clever pales in comparison to being ambushed in a public way about a personal choice.

When my girl got stuck in these headlights, she panicked. To avoid hurting her friend’s feelings in the face of his sweet grand gesture in the gym, the most public of teen forums, she said yes. But later, quietly, off to the side and away from the madding crowd, she politely declined his invitation. Unfortunately, a whole gym full of kids saw her say yes. The social fallout was swift and painful. In the cruel math of high school, she added up to being the bad guy. While nobody really won in this equation, had she deferred answering, at least it would have been between just the two of them.

But lest you think this is a primer just for teens, Ellen will never forget being attacked at a cocktail party about her career choices.

Ellen: I was at a party hosted by my best friend from medical school. It was a couple of years after quitting my OB/GYN residency and I was a stay-at-home mother to two young daughters. Although I did not know many of the neighbors at the party, they knew I had been a practicing doctor from the way my friend introduced me. I was standing in a conversational circle discussing boating when a woman fired at me “Don’t you think you are setting a bad example for your daughters by quitting your career? And how exactly are you going to pay for college?” Ahhhh. The silence from a dozen gaping mouths swiveling towards me was deafening. Those were some toxic questions if there ever were some. (And why does it always lead back to college??) Luckily, another neighbor stepped in and diffused the situation: “Carol, not every mother feels like she needs to buy her daughter’s love with a new Prada purse.” Boom. Thank goodness for my savior, but what if she hadn’t been there?

How Do You Answer When You’re Put on The Spot?

1. Remain polite. This is especially important for a teen talking to an adult, but for the most part, a cool head is always a good idea to maintain control of a situation.

2. Know you can take a minute. Teens are trained to answer questions swiftly and correctly, and it’s hard to overcome this impulse. Let’s be honest, most of us never outgrow that need to provide the “right” answer. But you can practice phrases to give yourself time to think. Things such as “Hmmm, good question,” or “I’m not sure we have time for that answer, ha, ha,” or “Can I talk to you in private?”

3. Remember you cannot script other people’s actions or comments, you can only control your own. Just because a question lights your fuse of anxiety, doesn’t mean you have to let it detonate. Take a breath and realize this person is just making human contact and your answer is not that critical to the fabric of civilization. Unless of course this person is vetting you for a cash donation to your college fund, then by all means, get worked up over your answer.

4.  Totally diffuse the situation by agreeing. This won’t work if your core beliefs are being attacked, but it will work for the run-of-the-mill-middle-of-the-grocery-aisle “BUT HOW CAN YOU CHOOSE ARCHITECTURE? IT IS SO COMPETITIVE!!” An easy, breezy, “You’re right, it is,” is a real conversation stopper. You don’t have to argue and go on the defensive.

5. Answer a question with a question. Play offense instead. In Ellen’s cocktail party interrogation, she could have said, “Interesting question. How are you a good role model for your daughter and what is your financial plan for college?” Granted, a flipped reply this pointed might have too much of an edge for a child to use. In the case of a college bound senior being asked about her top college choices, she can give her answers and quickly follow up with “What made you choose the college you attended?” This plays to the age old wisdom that people love to talk about themselves.

So when you’re feeling in the spotlight, just remember that for the most part people are just trying to show interest or make conversation, and you are in complete control of your answers. If they want something from you, it is okay to say you need time to answer. And when all else fails, flip the spotlight on them.

-Ellen and Erin

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