Even the most even-keeled junior or senior can melt down from the pressure of trying to prepare for college. All of the work just gets piled onto the everyday tribulations of being a teenager they’re already suffering through. Trips to the guidance office leaves students with huge to-do lists and everything escalates simultaneously. Calculus exams are followed by SAT test dates, are followed by Homecoming, are following by service learning hours, are followed by everyone down to your local librarian demanding, “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?!”
Whether your child has been on-track with grades or is just now waking up to the importance of his or her permanent record, it can cause a kid to crack. Everything can seem to be going along fine when “boom!” tears and angry outbursts sink your evening. But here’s the thing, what your child is freaking out about often isn’t even the real problem, only the last straw. Classes and social life and expectations are all jumbled together. You not only have to be a counselor, but also a detective. It leaves you longing for the time when plastering an entire box of SpongeBob Band-Aids over their legs could make the invisible boo-boos all better.
So what’s a parent with a distraught child to do besides feel helpless? Well, here is the first thing NOT to do: Take Over. It may make you feel better to be in charge–checking grades, ordering college pamphlets, signing up for SAT prep–but it’ll only make your child feel inadequate. Part of the stress kids feel is from struggling to separate from their parents and you swooping in to the rescue will only make them feel like they’re not doing it well.
But this doesn’t mean you have to leave them flapping in the breeze, so we’re back to what you can DO.
Listen to them. I mean really get in there, keep your mouth shut, and LISTEN to them vent. This is not the time to offer solutions. At this stage, you’re not solving any problems with your “but if you just did this”, you’re fighting against their emotions. And remember, they may not even be ranting about what is really bothering them.
Agree with them. Nothing acknowledges being heard and takes the steam out of a tirade like “You’re right, that really is tough. I can see why you’re upset.” Showing your commiseration and understanding really is a shining star in your bag of parenting tricks. And more often than not, this is the magic key that leads you to what is really the matter.
Praise them. Instead of kicking off the afternoon nagging them about all of the things they need to do, praise them for all they have accomplished. “Wow, I’m really gratified you’ve been working through your ACT prep book,” or “You’re really kicking it in government,” goes a long way. We all like to be recognized.
Walk away. If your kid is so stressed he or she is indulging in a tantrum, walking away is your friend, especially if you’re being hit full force as the target of your child’s anger. “Hey, I’m going to give you some space because you’re not really being fair to me and this is not how we talk to each other in this house. How about I get you a snack and I’ll check in with you in a little bit?”
I’m not suggesting you have to absorb disrespect, I’m just saying you know when the situation is over the top and you don’t have to engage in every battle flung your way. Remember, you ARE the adult, they’re still trying to figure out how to grow into being one. You’ll also be teaching by example. Physics problem driving him or her up a gravity-defying wall? Encourage your kid to walk away, take a break, and tackle it again with fresh eyes. Cooling off is a respectable thing to do.
Give them a pep talk. You don’t have to keep your mouth shut forever. Once they have vented and you have listened, feel free to dispense some encouragement (not to be confused with a to-do list of “you need to get on with xyz”). A favorite in my house is “That which is for you will not pass you if you are putting in the work.”
Pay attention to the physical. Getting back to tantrums, keeping your child well-fed, hydrated, exercised, and rested is just as important now as it was when they were toddlers. In particular, teens need between eight to ten hours of sleep to function. Notice your kid is burning the candle at both ends and barely holding it together? It may be time to review their diet and bedtime, and to lend some organizational guidance.
Make a plan. This is not you taking over, but helping your student find a way to plan out the school year and college prep process for themselves. Sit down and help your child break down “oh my gosh, college applications!” into bite-size pieces like “Step 1: Talk to teachers about recommendations.”
Get organized. Making a plan also calls for some organization, but a system is only useful if it is used. It doesn’t matter if you love color-coded binders, if your child doesn’t use them, they are just that much more clutter. If your son is happy with one basket for SAT materials and one for college booklets, then take a deep breath and let him go for it. Dare I say, you may even want to consider one of those clear plastic drawer units. Remember, it won’t be around forever and simple is good.
Refocus them. Plan a college tour to remind then what all of the stress is for. It can be easy to forget that all of the boxes being checked, hours spent hitting the books, and tests being suffered through are for getting to that fantastic college life. Even if you’ve already visited some schools, going on a tour when your high schooler is really feeling down can help rejuvenate them to keep their eye on the prize. Just don’t schedule it during their exam week.
And finally . . .
Stop sweating the small stuff! You, not them. Are there clothes all over the bedroom floor and they never remember to bring home their water bottles? Let it go if they are keeping their grades up. Their lives are anything but routine right now and some things have to slide in order to keep on top of what is important. Besides, God willing, they will be their roomates’ problem soon enough.
Do you have any tips you would add?
Ellen
Check out
The 12 Commandments for Surviving Your Daughter’s Teen Years
Ten Things I Want to Say to My Son Before He Graduates
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These are great tips. It must be hard finding that balance. We don’t have kids, but as a teacher, I see the struggle that parents have in walking that line.
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