Advisement: This is not the usual Sisterhood fare, so if you are easily offended, please go check out our recipes. They’re delicious. If you continue on, keep in mind that Ellen is an M.D. who trained in OB/GYN. She could not resist this challenge. You’ve been warned.
Leslie Marinelli who blogs at The Bearded Iris and her fellow humor blogger The Suniverse came up with the idea for a twisted craft contest. To understand how twisted, check out this picture of one of the prizes. Really, go check it…
Naughty, right? I KNOW! Well, after I recovered from the vapors, something started to wheedle into my brain — that competitive voice that whispered, “I’ve got this”. So I looked in the mirror and repeated my very own Stuart Smalley affirmation.
I’m gutsy enough,
I’m crafty enough,
And damn it I have $85,000 worth of vajayjay education that says I will rock this mofo out!
So with an idea and one quick trip to Walmart, I was on my way.
And I sculpted for what I would like to think of as 30 minutes, but to avoid being called a liar will be called the-amount-of-time-that-shall-not-be-named. (This just felt like the right place for a Harry Potter joke.) But it was worth it to create the…
Brazilian Kitchen Twine Dispenser!
Except — insert the sound of screeching brakes– the anatomical correctness stretched the limits of my comfort zone like a breastfeeding nipple in the mouth of a swiveling baby head. I wasn’t fired from being a doctor, People, I quit. But what to do? Of course! I Georgia O’Keeffe’d it up by sticking some leaves on it. Dang, it still looked pretty graphic, but after a quick trip to Pic Monkey I knocked some more of the Hustleresque out of it. Now it’s art!
Mmmmmm, not quite. This lady cave needed a coat of paint. A vajazzling perhaps. What to do when you have already devoted so much time to a useless project that your left eye is starting to twitch and your stomach is turning sour? DEVOTE MORE TIME TO IT! This is how I burn my time instead of finally liberating my hair from its eternal damnation to a ponytail.
But oh my, when you have a lump of air-dry clay lady hump like this, it takes quite a bit of drying time. Like the amount of time it would take Honey Boo Boo’s mama to fill out an IQ test if she knew such silly things existed.
Dry at last! Dry at last! Sweet menopause, it was dry at last. This project had already sucked up my time, it was not going to suck up any more of my money. So I raided the nail polish basket for this trio of lovelies.
Like the results?
Holy Ratchet Up The Realism! You are never going to see this photo! Not gonna happen! When you are trying to tone down the graphic nature of an obscene craft, do not, I repeat DO NOT paint it in flesh tones. WTH was I thinking?
Well, now I was thinking that I had to wrap this mess up before my kids came home from school and my husband came home from his business trip. There are just some things I’m too tired to explain. Clay anatomical models on my dining room table is one of them.
Luckily, I’m the type of girl who keeps gold spray paint in her garage. The Midas touch to the rescue. Behold . . .
Solid Gold(ish) Brazilian Kitchen Twine Dispenser
Complete with Pierced Privates Twine Cutter!
So what do you think? At least I have my Mother’s Day present ready for next year.
Other places to see Ellen’s medical magic
Update: This entry won! It’s the most profitable my medical education has been in a decade.
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski