Competitive Twisted Crafting by Ellen
Advisement: This is not the usual Sisterhood fare, so if you are easily offended, please go check out our recipes. They’re delicious. If you continue on, keep in mind that Ellen is an M.D. who trained in OB/GYN. She could not resist this challenge. You’ve been warned.
Leslie Marinelli who blogs at The Bearded Iris and her fellow humor blogger The Suniverse came up with the idea for a twisted craft contest. To understand how twisted, check out this picture of one of the prizes. Really, go check it…
Naughty, right? I KNOW! Well, after I recovered from the vapors, something started to wheedle into my brain — that competitive voice that whispered, “I’ve got this”. So I looked in the mirror and repeated my very own Stuart Smalley affirmation.
I’m gutsy enough,
I’m crafty enough,
And damn it I have $85,000 worth of vajayjay education that says I will rock this mofo out!
So with an idea and one quick trip to Walmart, I was on my way.
With a Ziploc container, $4 worth of air-dry clay, $2 worth of twine, and $500 worth of medical textbooks, my materials list was complete.
And I sculpted for what I would like to think of as 30 minutes, but to avoid being called a liar will be called the-amount-of-time-that-shall-not-be-named. (This just felt like the right place for a Harry Potter joke.) But it was worth it to create the…
Brazilian Kitchen Twine Dispenser!
Except — insert the sound of screeching brakes– the anatomical correctness stretched the limits of my comfort zone like a breastfeeding nipple in the mouth of a swiveling baby head. I wasn’t fired from being a doctor, People, I quit. But what to do? Of course! I Georgia O’Keeffe’d it up by sticking some leaves on it. Dang, it still looked pretty graphic, but after a quick trip to Pic Monkey I knocked some more of the Hustleresque out of it. Now it’s art!
Mmmmmm, not quite. This lady cave needed a coat of paint. A vajazzling perhaps. What to do when you have already devoted so much time to a useless project that your left eye is starting to twitch and your stomach is turning sour? DEVOTE MORE TIME TO IT! This is how I burn my time instead of finally liberating my hair from its eternal damnation to a ponytail.
But oh my, when you have a lump of air-dry clay lady hump like this, it takes quite a bit of drying time. Like the amount of time it would take Honey Boo Boo’s mama to fill out an IQ test if she knew such silly things existed.
I serve Easter dinner on this table.
Dry at last! Dry at last! Sweet menopause, it was dry at last. This project had already sucked up my time, it was not going to suck up any more of my money. So I raided the nail polish basket for this trio of lovelies.
Like the results?
Holy Ratchet Up The Realism! You are never going to see this photo! Not gonna happen! When you are trying to tone down the graphic nature of an obscene craft, do not, I repeat DO NOT paint it in flesh tones. WTH was I thinking?
Well, now I was thinking that I had to wrap this mess up before my kids came home from school and my husband came home from his business trip. There are just some things I’m too tired to explain. Clay anatomical models on my dining room table is one of them.
Luckily, I’m the type of girl who keeps gold spray paint in her garage. The Midas touch to the rescue. Behold . . .
Solid Gold(ish) Brazilian Kitchen Twine Dispenser
Complete with Pierced Privates Twine Cutter!
So what do you think? At least I have my Mother’s Day present ready for next year.
Other places to see Ellen’s medical magic
A Tale From the GYN Front Lines by Ellen
Update: This entry won! It’s the most profitable my medical education has been in a decade.
By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski
ERMAHGERD! That is one fancy, realistic, and practical lady cave! Love the vajazzled twine cutter part (and the sparkly star effect, SHINY!)
Your captions kill me! Always. You have such a knack! I’m hoping you’ll privately email me the realistic deleted “nasty girl” painted pic for funsies.
Also, so proud of you for using all them book smarts for something really important. ‘Atta girl! XO -Leslie
We felt like highlighting my background maybe explained why I “went there.” You know, made it all scholarly and clinical-like. Although, I may have busted that perception with the gold paint.
The sad thing is, I missed a comedic moment by not taking a picture of the realistic painting. I had it half done and it was starting to look like one of those nasty plastic models doctors have on their counters. Sooooo, I then started to get all artsy-fartsy and tried to paint it in a swirly type pattern and that was BAD. Like UGLY bad. A vagina is a beautiful thing and my painting was NOT conveying “feminine goddess”. I was then starting to panic because my family was due to arrive so I covered that thing in gold.
Your love and praise have made it all worthwhile. Plus I can’t WAIT for some kind of opportunity to give this as a gag gift. Now that would be a fun blog post.
Ellen
Oh. My. God. That is a spiffy hooha. I can’t stop starring at it!
Ellen can barely help herself. Glad you appreciate our Macgyver! Erin
It’s the piercing. It just sends it over the top.
Ellen
Wow. Just amazingly wow. The fact that you not only came up with this idea but managed to so completely pull it together is incredible.
Job well done.
Thanks so much for entering!
Oh my everything-un-holy this is awesome! I never use twine for anything in my kitchen, but I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t find a way to incorporate it into every meal if I had one of these on my counter! I’m at a loss for what to enter this contest with. I REALLY freakin’ want to! Any other time I could make anything grossly perverted just for the fun of it. But now that there’s a deadline looming overhead, I can only come up with two things. And neither of them are quite as awesome as this. *deep sigh*
Back to the drawing board…
Jen recently posted..Zombies ate my shopping list and that’s why we don’t have ice cream.
Thank you so much, but YOU should just go for it! Let the professionals be the judge of your creation.
Ellen
WOW! Just WOW!!!
That is so many kinds of awesome.
Sue @ WubBooMummy recently posted..Totally inappropriate crafty makeover
Somehow, I feel like I’ve learned something about crafting, and a little something about myself. It’s lovely AND useful – a vagadget?
hollow tree ventures recently posted..A Mandatory Walk Down Matrimony Lane
Go go Vagadget go! Love it! Ellen
Great, now I can’t get the Inspector Gadget song out of my head, except with “inspect her vagadget” lyrics.
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Dogs Aren’t Supposed To Eat Babies
I don’t know…. between this and the glitter penis wine glass charms, it’s a hard call! Love the practicality of the piece. I’d buy one. Who doesn’t love to bind their bird with twine from a gold vagadget?
Emma @ Your Doctor’s Wife recently posted..No Time to Talk
This is…educational. And gold and sparkly. And the reference to piercing only made me cringe a little.
Awesome job!
Tracy recently posted..ZZ Top’s Gift to Women
I think you should sell these on Etsy. I would totally buy them for all the women on my Christmas list for the shock value of seeing their faces when they open it.
Ummm… I’m almost afraid to say this but….
as fab as this is (I LOVE IT)….
doesn’t the string..and va-j-j…
uh well….doesn’t it look like a tampon string hanging out?
Or is that just the first place my mind went?
Um maaaaaybeee . . .
This entire post and comments made my day!!
The perfect gift for the crafty lesbian in your life! I WANT ONE!!!!
I am a bit stunned and amazed.
I have never been in to crafting. Until now. This is so much better than scrapbooking.
Scrap vulva’ing. It really just needs a celebrity to endorse it and we are away.
I am absolutely astounded by your talents.
Envious actually.