Category Archives: I Just Want To Be Alone

7 Qualities Our Daughters Should Look For in A Husband

We’ve been married long enough (to our husbands, not each other) to know that we both hit the jackpot when it comes to great guys. Erin’s husband, Steve, and Ellen’s man, Frank, are solid, steady models of what it means to be a great husband. This makes them excellent examples for our teen daughters of how high they should set the bar for potential spouses. Among the many things we wish for our girls, we’re both really hoping for some great sons-in-law. To that end, it would behoove them to appreciate some of these mighty fine qualities in their own fathers so that they might end up with great catches of their own.

A little guide for our daughters about the qualities they should look for in a husband. We want good sons-in-law! Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

1. Bomb Squad Captain

Our daughters are magnificent yet imperfect people just like their mothers. A guy who can handle all the stuff life and their wife throws at them is a keeper.

Erin: The other day I blew up my morning by committing a cardinal sin of teen parenting: questioning a teen’s fashion choice as she was walking out the door. I may have been looking for a place to hide, but Steve was the one left to diffuse this bomb. The sensei of calm in the midst of chaos, Steve had this crisis locked down and everything righted again by the time they made it to school. I DID get this though: “Nobody messes with my teens in the morning.” Oops. My bad.

2. A Piper Willing to Pay

There will be times in a long, happy marriage when a husband needs to be brave, bold, and willing to bend.

Ellen: I had been attempting to get Frank to parasail with me since our honeymoon. Instead of delving into the reasons behind his sidestepping, I’ll just leave it as “Something else always came up.” A little while ago, on our family cruise vacation, his dodging lost its dart. When our teen daughter wanted to parasail, he immediately and magnanimously agreed it was a great idea . . . for her to go with me. Two birds with one stone; you have to admire the efficiency.

But then our tween piped up, “I want to go too.” And I laughed and laughed because now both parents had to go (he was too stunned to realize I could have just gone twice, shhhhh). And I laughed some more when our teen volunteered for her and her dad to go first. He ended up having a blast and it was all because he loves his girls.

They are a little in the shadows, but one person is grinning and one person looks a little worried. Guess who is who.

Erin: This is the lighter side of stepping up to the plate, but it is the stuff of great family memories.

3. Clutch Hitter

Marriage, like life, is messy. You wanna guy who can and will hold the bucket.

Erin: Steve is ridiculously, blessedly good when the chips are down around here. He has proven himself time and again to be the guy you want around to bandage your wounds or take over when a viral menace takes down the entire family. I have actually seen him drag his own sorry sick butt out of bed to crawl to help a sick kid when I was too sick to move. That’s the guy you want on your wall.

4. Grandmaster Flash of Family Fun

It may sound oh-so-cheesy but it’s the honest truth that families that play together, stay together. Pick a guy with a sense of fun who wants to share it with his favorite peeps.

Ellen: Frank is fabulous at planning family vacations because he IS the Grandmaster Flash of working Expedia deals. The result is some wonderful family memories that build a strong foundation to support you through rougher times.

5. Schtick Flinger

Both of our men love movies as evidenced by our marital codes of movie quotes. This soothingly predictable banter keeps the daily hum of our lives from being humdrum. Our girls don’t necessarily have to find movie-quoters, but there is a golden nugget here. Pick a partner who makes you laugh through the every day. You’ll never regret it.

Erin: Steve can find fun in paper bag. With his natural gift for storytelling, he can make even a weeknight dinner a laugh-riot.

6. Cheerleader

No pom-poms here. We’re talking about a guy like George Bailey from “It’s A Wonderful Life;” one who’s willing to lasso the moon for you. You cannot do better than find a man who wants what’s best for you and wants to help you get there, even when that means becoming fodder for your book.

7. Proffer of a Great Proposal

Speaking of fodder for a book, we wrote about our proposal stories, the beginning of our marital bliss, in I Just Want To Be Alone. Listen up, our fabulous daughters, if you hold out for the other six qualities we listed, your husband-to-be will want to rock your socks off when he asks you to marry him. You’ll have great stories to tell your children and grandkids or if you follow in our footsteps, the entire free world.

So girls, we’re seriously hoping you follow our advice and land some sweet fellas like the ones we have. Remember what we said about those sons-in-law.

Want a copy of our book? Just click here.

(Pick one up for a friend while you’re at it.)

–Erin and Ellen

7 Qualities We Want Out Our Daughters to Look For in A Husband

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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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Musings on Books and Asparagus

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We seem to be on a Green Grocer kick here at the Sisterhood. The other week we were talking about how boundaries were like Brussels sprouts (it’s a great analogy, really, check it out). And then we followed up with this post where the disparaging things Erin said about cantaloupe were at least balanced by her kiwi rhapsodies.

And the veritable veggie streak continues because today we are talking with Abby Heugel of Abby Has Issues. Sure, the first thing you think of when you hear her name is funny, tight, original writing. But this lady loves her produce with all of her vegan heart. Why, she has this hilarious song she penned about asparagus, . . . but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

What we really want to say is that we are so honored to be sharing space with her in not one, but TWO anthologies: “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth” and the available for pre-order “I Just Want to Be Alone.” Here is just a little teaser of her piece in the new book.

You can also order right now on iTunes.

But while Abby is a vegan, she is no virgin to publishing. Don’t let the alliteration lead you to get those two confused. She has two books of her own out: “Abby Has Issues” and “Abby Still Has Issues.”

You can buy her books here.

Ellen sat down to chat with Abby about all things important or at least what you can cover in eight questions. Of course by “sat down,” we mean they were both sitting at their computers burning up the interwebz with their fabulous-ity (otherwise known to people who aren’t in the biz as emailing).

How did you come up with the name of your blog?

Abby: My blog’s name is “Abby Has Issues” because a) I’m a magazine editor/writer and b) I have serious issues. See what I did there?

Ellen: I do see what you did there! Clever and short. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, while perfectly descriptive, is a wee bit lengthy. A pop-up warning should have appeared when we purchased that domain name: “Are you sure you want to type that for all of eternity or at least until the internet implodes?”

Can you tell us a little about your two books “Abby Has Issues” and “Abby Still Has Issues.”

Abby: They’re collections of some of my best blog posts over the past three or four years, most of which relate how I have issues with everyday things from playing Bingo in the retirement home with my grandma to going through a car wash or a letter I wrote to my new yoga pants. If nothing else, reading my books will give you a laugh and make you feel normal.

Ellen: Plus it’s like a vault for your best material just in case, you know, the internet implodes.

What is one of your favorite chapters in one of your books?

Ellen: One of my favorite chapters in “Abby Still Has Issues” is “Couchgating 101” because let’s face it, it IS a ripoff to go see games at the stadiums and I do like to be casual in my robe.

Abby: I don’t think I could pick one or two essays as my favorites, as I liked all of them enough to put them in there and kept the duds out of print (and hopefully in Internet obscurity, like MySpace but much less popular and no Tom included.) The stories about my grandma are popular and I love that I captured her wit and could share it with others while keeping the memories for myself. Then there are the posts about setting up Martha Stewart, applying to be a naked sushi model and the tale of my mom burying a dead cat in a sweater. How could I pick just one?

Ellen: There will be no “Sophie’s Choice” required here. And really, if people just buy the books, they get them all. See what I did there?

Asparagus seems to come up a lot with you. Can you explain this phenomenon?

Abby: Ha. Yes, the asparagus, such as the stalk I am “smoking” in my profile picture and to which I wrote a song via blog post about a couple weeks ago. To be honest, I’m just a vegan who just really loves my vegetables–asparagus, broccoli and avocado, specifically (I know this is a fruit, but zip it). So that’s just kind of become my “thing.” I have a cool picture in my kitchen of avocado and asparagus, a couple plates and fun kitchen things from my mom and of course, the profile picture (and stinky urine, but whatever. I pee alone.)

Ellen: Fun fact! Some people boast their pee doesn’t stink after eating asparagus, and scientists use to think it was because they didn’t break down asparagusic acid into smelly sulfur compounds. But now it is believed those lucky ducks just can’t smell it. Only about one-quarter to one half of the population appears to have the gene that allows them to smell the asparagus aftermath.

Not being able to smell asparagus pee is a single gene mutation, by the way, for those of you keeping track. In related news, I’m just itching to unveil my new baby shower game: Feed the Guests Asparagus, Sniff the Urine Samples, and Then Plot the Genetic Variability Amongst the Group. Hey, it’s just as good as some of these here.

What do you think about when you are alone in your car?

Abby: I’m almost always alone in the car, and I often think “I’m the only one who knows how to drive in a Michigan winter” and “If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light turns green, I can promise I will shut off my car, lie on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.”

Ellen: I would pay money to see that.

Who/What scares you?

Abby: Professional adults who use words like “cray cray” and “adorbs” in conversation, people with clipboards, unemployment, sneezing while driving and the thought of an avocado, asparagus or hummus shortage. Also death and toast when it pops up, no matter how prepared that I think I am (for the toast, not for death.)

Ellen: Totes obvi to all of those.

What was the last good deed you did?

Abby: Once a month I try and make chocolate pretzel treats for the nurses and old people at my grandma’s old people home to a) thank the staff and b) get the seniors on a sugar high. Also, I’ve sent a couple small gift cards and actual greeting cards to friends the past couple of weeks. When I feel like life is beating me down, I try and give karma the bird.

Ellen: This is why we love you Abby.

What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever lost?

Abby: My verbal filter. I’m working on that one.

Ellen: May I speak for all of us when I say, I hope you never find that filter, funny lady.

You can purchase I Just Want To Be Alone here. You have to go to the store to get your own asparagus.

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I Just Want to Be Alone So Listen To Your Mother

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If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

–Milton Berle

There is no other blogger on the internet better at building doors than Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Lucky for us, she builds monster-truck-garage sized doors big enough to spread the opportunity to other writers, too. You’ve heard of the Space Cowboy? Jen is the Literary Carpenter. We are so honored to be a part of her new anthology, I Just Want to Be Alone.

Now we may want to be alone, but we aren’t alone in this book. We bet you picked up on that when we mentioned it was an anthology. There are 38 funny women who make this book a “Buy it Now” kind of item. Oh wait, did we not mention that Jen is such a rock star that our book is available as a Pre-Order on Amazon!?

Believe the hype and order yours now so you can have it as soon as it’s available on March 22nd. If you need further enticement, enjoy these door hanger snippets of hilarity . . . and then order the book. Smooches.

Follow her on Facebook.

Follow her on Facebook.

Follow her on Facebook.

Want more? Check out the I Just Want to Be Alone Pinterest board to see what the other authors have to say.

But we aren’t done with our announcements! Our “door knocking” knew no bounds in February. We shook our tree a bit more and auditioned for the Baltimore Listen To Your Mother show annnnnnnnnndddd WE WERE SELECTED!

Are you like, “Yaaaaaaaayy, wait, what is Listen To Your Mother?”

Well, it is a series of live staged readings in 32 cities nationwide in celebration of Mother’s Day and motherhood. It’s heartfelt and it’s funny and it’s brave. You can read more about the Baltimore show here.

We would love for you to join us on April 26th. Tickets are under $12 and 25% of the proceeds goes to the House of Ruth Maryland. Buy them here. If you come and bring a copy of I Just Want to Be Alone, we would be happy to sign it for you. (See how we pulled that all together?)

Oh, but one more thing, while we are on the subject of Baltimore. We are part of the faculty for the new conference BlogU. It is going to be so awesome because it’s intimate, affordable, practical and empowering. Oh and fun. NickMom is sponsoring our Saturday night party. Limited tickets are still available!

In conclusion, things have been busy around here. If the blog is a-rockin’, do come a-knockin’. Or something like that.

-Ellen and Erin

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5 Bad Wedding Shower Gifts and a Gem

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What is wrong with people? Buying someone a wedding shower gift should be the easiest thing in the world because of that time honored tradition: Bridal Registries. The happy couple actually takes the time to zap half the store with their little scanner gun so you have a list. All you have to do is run down the prices, pick your poison, and “Boom!” you’re done.

And if you perform this act of magic online, one more click, a little extra money, and that sucker is wrapped and shipped. It’s so simple even a zombie can do it as long as she didn’t lose her AmEx along with her soul. But if this is still just too much trouble, a check is always appreciated . . . as long as it’s not rubber.

Yet people spend the extra energy to go off the reservation all. of. the. time. The results are rarely good, unless the bride-to-be really did just forget to register for that ceramic pig sundial. If that is the case, we’ll just kick Santa to the curb and anoint you Mayor of Giftingville right now. Oh wait, even Santa follows lists.

For everyone else, here are five types of shower gifts to avoid.

1. The Registry Rejection

This might be the most egregious violation of all. Buying something that is “like” what is on the registry, but not quite. Ellen actually received a gold, burgundy, and green Navajo print comforter (why yes, it was just as lovely as it sounds) with this comment from the giver as she opened it, “I saw the comforter on your registry but I just didn’t like it so I got you this one.” But truly, what is better than ugly with a side of disdain for your taste?

This gift was waaaay out there.

2. The Leftover Gift

Erin has an uncle who likes to buy animatronic figures in bulk to take over to Poland as gifts when he goes to visit family. (Just keep reading that sentence until it sinks in.) He’ll have leftovers that he’ll gift to a few lucky stateside relatives. This is how Erin, at her bridal shower, became the fortunate owner of a Grooving Santa. The same type of Santa her sister-in-law had received the year before for her wedding. Yeah.

3. The Matching Outfit

Ellen has seen this one go down—the matching shirt and shorts for the couple to sport on their honeymoon. They are getting married, not auditioning as the protagonist couple for an Adam Sandler movie. No matchies! And just to throw it out there, does anyone really want to receive lingerie from her future mother-in-law?

4. The Subtle Hint

The bridal shower is not the time or place to give that heirloom hand-knitted baby sweater, especially if the couple is marriage before carriage. Relax . . . and go return that bulk box of ovulation tests, too.

5. The Re-Gift

Ah, re-gifting. Is it tacky or recycling? Regardless, try to follow along with what happened to Ellen on the bridal shower circuit. One fall, she watched her friend open an electric blue fondue pot. Months later, Ellen then received an electric blue fondue pot from that friend at her own shower. Wait, this is a time for air quotes—“friend.”

Don’t gift things out of your closet unless you happen to have a million dollars lying around. In that case, inbox us and we’ll make sure the bride gets it.

And Now for the Gem!

After all of this, are you like, “Ellen and Erin, it would be a relief to conform, but it would ruin my street cred to do anything as mundane as follow a registry.”

We have your solution: So new it can’t be on any registry, yet SO FABULOUSLY funny no one would ever complain about receiving it!

Order Now! Just click to order the paperback—> I Just Want to Be Alone

Or click here to order it on Kindle—> I Just Want to Be Alone, Kindle Edition

Or click here to get it from Barnes & Noble and iTunes—> Buy All The Books, All The Ways

I Just Want to Be Alone is a collection of humorous essays from 38 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you’ll find on the web . . . including us! Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat is the mastermind who brought us all together to tell the stories about our men that will have you nodding along and laughing out loud.

But it’s not just for brides-to-be! Every woman wants this in her life, needs this in her life.

It’s for any woman who has sent her man to the store for potato chips only to have him return with tortilla chips.

It’s for that lady whose hubby has ruined yet another load of laundry by leaving a pen in his pants.

It’s for that gal whose fiancé planned out the perfect proposal, but didn’t plan on the limo driver pulling over to take a whizz.

It’s for all of us who have rued that our husbands have taken up bee keeping. Wait, what? Never mind, just accept . . .