Category Archives: Pintershizz

Christmas Pintershizz: The Final Countdown

Sing it with us! “It’s the most wonderful time of the year . . .” Hmmm, let’s not. How about we up the reality on this bad boy season and all download The Final Countdown?

Ellen: Is it crazy that I’m stewing in jealousy because my Jewish friends checked off their holidays in one epic swoop this year: Thanksgivukah? Sure it was a swirling dervish of exhausting festiveness at the time, but now they are done: D-O-N-E done.

Erin: Your spirit must be crushed to be envious of two holidays smashed together. Pushed up against the Shutterfly deadline again?

Ellen: Is it that obvious? I thought squeaking in under their free shipping cutoff was going to be the end of me . . . AGAIN.

Erin: We always poo poo pissin’ contests, BUT I have you beat. I am fighting the machine of the ACTUAL Shutterfly deadline. Like no-money-in-the-world-can-get-you-your-book if you miss this deadline.

Ellen: And the last day to order on most other sites is drawing near. I always feel carefree about shopping when the internet is my safety net . . .

Erin: Until BAM! That safety net is ripped away like Santa scratching your name off of the Nice List.

Ellen: Amazon Prime has lessened my stress considerably, but really, I think it may have exacerbated my procrastinating tendencies. You can’t wrap what you don’t have. I’m predicting my traditional Christmas Eve date with Scotch Tape and Pinot Noir in the unfinished side of my basement will be a “go” again this year.

Erin: I hate to burst your miniscule bubble of holiday cheer, but in a couple of days even Amazon Prime won’t be able to save you because there is no “Bend the Time Space Continuum” shipping option. You’ll have to resort to going into actual stores if you don’t pull yourself together.

Ellen: I feel myself shutting down. So what better way to cope than to avoid my Christmas list altogether and just make fun of stuff on Pinterest?

Erin: I’ll jump on your Procrastination Train! Its Caboose of Denial looks comfy. The stewards to stroke my hair and make shushing noises is a nice touch. Besides, I’m counting on elves this year to save me.

Ten Things Pintershit That Better Not Be Under Our Trees

Erin’s List

1. Godfather Gone Wrong

I love the classic movie “The Godfather”, but this pillowcase is taking fandom a bit too far and a little over the top. Fake gore on your pillow just seems so wrong. Plus it would be hard to explain to the six year old.

2. Handbag From Hades

I like a great bag as much as the next girl, but this one is only appropriate for your next party down by the River Styx. I feel like I would need to pack some extra biscuits in it for Cerberus, but it hardly seems big enough for the reed pipe I’d need to lull him to sleep. Save this little beauty for another day or another girl who doesn’t know her mythology like I do. Or for someone you don’t like.

3. Sucker!

My 13 year old’s classmate brought these to school for a birthday treat. Look closely. That’s right—there are scorpions, real scorpions– imbedded in these bad boys. Supposedly, some of the kids LOVED them. I don’t care if they are prepackaged and gluten-free, I can’t get over that scorpions are venomous creatures. I just shuddered. I repeat, “DO NOT buy this for me.” Unless you want an Erin-sized hole in your front door as I run screaming for my life.

4. Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

This gives new meaning to the phrase “My dogs are tired.” Why would you make shoes like this?

Ellen: I don’t know, but your octogenarian catchphrases delight me every. single. time. They’re the bee’s knees.

Erin: There is no shame in being well read . . . and I can crash a bridge game like a boss.

Ellen: I have to agree, that is a skill that could come in mighty handy, as handy as hip pockets on a hog.

Erin: Now you’re just mocking me.

5. Sweater With a Side of Surgical Mask

There’s almost nothing I love more than turtlenecks and sweaters during the cold winter months; so I would normally welcome a gift like this. There is just something clinical about the weird way you’re supposed to wear it over your face. It says, “I take my fashion with a side of Ebola virus.” This would make Christmas dinner at the family homestead awkward, especially since I would have to consume my entire meal through a straw. Ham and potato smoothie, yuuummmmm.

Ellen’s List

6. Wonky Wookie

I like Stars Wars as much as the next person, but this is a little much. Dressing like Chewbacca would just make me feel like I forgot to wax. Don’t tell me it’s for Halloween because I already have a bevy of Hallo-Awkward-Ween choices lined up for next year.

But on second thought, if I wore this, could I get away with just wookie roaring at everyone? Hmmmm . . . or rather Arrrarroowwrrerr.

By the way, special thanks to infolinks for taking my query — “How to write Chewbacca sounds?” — as seriously as I take my writing. I got THE right information for THE right decision, yo. Integrity.

7. Christmas No

Don’t think that just because this sweater embraces more of a yuletide theme that it is appropriate. Just to be clear, this does not give me the warm and fuzzies. It gives me visions of Labradors peeing on my feet. You, know, because I would be a tree.

8. Heck No

Wellllllllllll, I think there is something obviously and freudian-ly amiss with a monstrous shark emerging from a crotch. But really, I don’t care to hate on Ariel or cause little wanna-be princesses angst; let alone inflict my daughters with that much mortification. Who, aside from a Victoria Secret model, can stand that much groin gawking during a simple day at the beach? Although . . . this would be hilarious on a Disney cruise, right? Mwahahahaha.

9. The Gift That Keeps On Drowning

Now that I have a complex about sharks eating mermaids, I would just consider this gift a blatant and aggressive threat on my well-being. Can you actually imagine swimming, I mean, not drowning in this??

But it does provide a nice set-up for the gift of laughter. What do you call a muffin top squeezed up by a mermaid tail? A tuna roll! I’m here all week, folks.

10. Just Take A Baseball Bat To My Knee

My knee is always just one twitch away from needing an MRI. Disability can even stalk me while walking in a straight line on level ground. These shoes would just seal the deal in a slow and tortuous way. Who am I kidding? It would be fast and epic. Regardless, the spikes would make it hard for you to remove my shoe from your arse when I shoved it there for giving me such an awful gift.

However if you insist on giving me that shoe, you know, for my own fashion good, then you’d better gift it with this AT-AT Walker walker. This is a Star Wars gift I can get behind. But now you’re confused, you say? I just dissed Chewbacca and now I’m embracing this? It’s really very simple. You just have to be discerning . . . and read my mind.

Here’s wishing that all your shipping deadlines are soft, your cards get sent out before President’s Day, and no one dumps Pintershizz under your tree!

xoxo

Ellen and Erin

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Yarn Pintershizz is the Bomb

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You know what’s popular now? Knitting and crocheting. Know how we know? Well, the internet. Duh. When memes like this start popping up in your feed, it’s time to take notice or at least write another installment of Pintershizz.

Proper grammar is also sexy. “IT’S,” Ryan, “IT’S.”

Ellen: I fully acknowledge we could have gone in and made our own meme to correct the grammar, but “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That.” See what I did there?

Erin: Funny. But the “its” is still making me twitchy.

Ellen: Well, move on, because this is more about making you itchy from bad knitting projects.

Erin: Please tell me this has nothing to do with the performance art lady knitting out of her vagina?

Ellen: Noooooooo! I am taking a MUCH higher road than that. This is just the fun wooly stuff that started popping up in our Pinterest feed. Like yarn bombing. Did you know that was a thing?

Yarn Bombing: Making Vandalism Cozy and Adorable.

Erin: I do now, but that is pretty charming. Not really Pintershizz.

Ellen: THAT is technically a form of graffiti and vandalism and it’s illegal. It’s also very badass — one of the more prominent artists went under the “graffiti knitting name”, Deadly Knitshade.

Erin: That. is. awesome. Are people really getting arrested for this?

Ellen: I don’t think so. Can you imagine the court scene?

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present this rapscallion who had the audacity to put this hat on this bus stop and thus bring a smile to every person’s face who happened to pass its way . . .

Judge: I hate to interrupt, but what idiot called the police instead of just picking up some hedge clippers?

Prosecutor: Good point.

Judge: Case dismissed.

Erin: By the way, how do you know all of this?

Ellen: Shut up, but Wikipedia. I know I’m a Wikipedia snob, but I thought it was probably okay for graffiti knitting.

Erin: Probably. We won’t make you turn in your library card, but you seem to be dropping some stitches, where is the Pintershizz?

Ellen: Did you just try to use a knitting term to illustrate that I’m getting off track??

Erin: Sweet kittens with mittens, I’m damned if I get on board with you and damned if I don’t. Just show us what you found on Pinterest.

1. Throne Cozy

Ellen: What better way to kick off Pintershizz than with a crocheted toilet?

Erin: I did just finish two bathroom remodels in my house . . . but no. There are waaaaaaaay too many people who stand up to pee–with questionable aim, I might add–in my household.

Ellen: Stop right there! I can feel the bacteria crawling through the computer screen. But speaking of science experiments, what about this gem?

2. Trapped Like a Rat

Bonus genuine dissection tray. Only mildly used.

Erin: Now isn’t this something you would like? Seems like the perfect gift for that med student in your life.

Ellen: No! It’s not even anatomically correct! Where are the lungs? WHAT is that brown blob on the left? Is that green thing the heart? Everyone knows the gallbladder is green, but it most definitely is NOT in the center of the chest.

Erin: Wow. I think we just found your OCD trigger. At least the tray is authentic.

Ellen: I’ll be impressed only if it smells like formaldehyde and desperation. Moving on to less evil-scientist-type items . . .

3. Bad Yarn Decision Dude

Ellen: Now this one is just funny. Pretty sure it is from the 70s.

Erin: What a lovely decade that was: avocado green and harvest gold EVERYTHING, Vienna sausages on toothpicks as appetizers, and clothing like THIS.

Ellen: I can’t remember what that hat is called and it’s driving me nuts.

Erin: That’s a tam o’ shanter.

Ellen: HOW did you know that?

Erin: I have my niche. You’re full of knowledge everyone needs to know, but I know things no one ever wants to know . . .

Ellen: Don’t sell yourself short. You’re just like Google, except less profitable and user friendly.

4. Keeping Those Buns Warm

Ellen: I do NOT want to know what her secret sauce is.

Erin: If you ask me, she looks like she’s one french fry short of a Happy Meal. See? I’m hilarious.

Ellen: You have your moments. Keep the faith.

5. More Fashion WTH?

Ellen: What would this be for? Is it for those times you only want 50% of your limbs to be sexy and frostbitten??

Erin: Oooo. It’s like the woman who’s famous who had the leg sticking out of the dress.

Ellen: You mean Angelina Jolie? You came up with tam o’ shanter, but can’t remember Jolie? I’m getting you a People Magazine subscription for Christmas. You need to up your Google game.

Erin: I told you, I’m a niche.

6. Two Woolens Arses are Better Than One

Ellen: This is for those people who think Snuggies aren’t ugly enough.

Erin: Yes, because what would make you feel better about being hideous than knowing you spent eleventy gazillion hours creating that ugliness?

7. Earbud Time Suck

Erin: What’s so bad about these? They would actually be pretty useful in my family of seven. Someone is ALWAYS complaining that someone else is using their earbuds. Blah, blah, blah.

Ellen: It’s the TIME SUCK factor. In my family, someone is always losing their earbuds. I can’t imagine spending this much time on something that has such a short life span. By the way, you know you could just color the connectors with different colored Sharpies?

Erin: YOU know that would require a master chart that we would promptly lose, right? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

8. Here We Go A-Flaying

Ellen: I feel like I disappointed you with the last one, so back to the weird. Doesn’t this look like someone has been skinned? Wasn’t it St. Bartholomew who was flayed?

Erin: I don’t know. It seems like there were a bunch of them.

Ellen: Okay, not to keep spinning the same wheel (yeah, I did it), but how do you know something like tam o’ shanter, but you’re not sure which saint lost his hide? You’re a religion teacher.

Erin: Told you, I’m niche-y.

9. Because We Love Llamas

Ellen: I didn’t want to end being a complete knitting hater. If I had a llama, I would totally knit it a scarf. I don’t know why I love llamas so much–maybe it’s their long, sweeping eyelashes, their goofy expressions, or the way they spit like they just don’t care. There is nothing wrong with the textile arts, it’s just, I don’t have the time.

Erin: I wouldn’t mind learning to knit either. People have told me it’s great to do while sitting in car line or sitting on the sidelines . . . the only problem is, I already have things I’m catching up on during that “down-time.” My “down-time” is double-booked until three months past 2020.

And Sweetie, you can just buy a scarf at Target for nine bucks. The llama will never know.

-Ellen and Erin

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Oops, Ellen Pintershizzed Again: Beverage Edition 2.0

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Pinterest, how we really do love thee! You make us laugh with funny little ecards like this:

Check out our board of funny “Snorts“

You send traffic to our blog from our pins like this:

Read all about it.

And you inspire Ellen to complete projects like this:

A Guide For Procrastinators On How To Complete a Pinterest Worthy Project

Unfortunately, you also dupe Ellen into abusing her friends on New Year’s Eve with swill like this:

What??

Erin: Oh sweet sprinkles, I had hoped I would never see the Kahlua Float Fail again. Champagne and ice cream?! Gack.

Ellen: All I can say is I was wooed by this lovely picture. And it would have at least presented better if you had some darn flutes instead of those tacky plastic cups.

Erin: But I had nothing to do with you using caramel jimmies instead of chocolate. To be fair, that picture looks tempting and you usually are pretty good at picking out recipes.

Ellen: It ‘s kind of a super power of mine . . .

Erin: That, and modesty.

Ellen: ANYWAY, the root beer floats I made for the kids were yummy.

Erin: It’s hard to mess up a root beer float, although I guess you could have used mint ice cream or something . . . you know, if Pinterest told you to.

Ellen: Funny. I do have to admit, I was Pintershizzed. Lucky for you, I wasn’t afraid to splash it all over my friends.

Read the whole Pintershizz series here.

Erin: But you did have a recent tirumph. Those Crockpot Pumpkin Spice Lattes you brought to my Halloween bash were great.

Ellen: They WERE good and doesn’t Mary look adorable serving them up?

Check out the recipe.

Ellen: But didn’t you hear the complaints that I used, gasp, caffeinated coffee? Apparently most of us are so old that we can’t consume caffeine after 2 pm. I have no such problem, but maybe I just cultivate a superior level of exhaustion.

Erin: I’m not sure that is brag-worthy.

Ellen: Well, that is not the Pintershizz anyway. THIS is where I, and I alone, got Pintershizzed.

Gack. Bakind soda and vingar came to the rescue.

Erin: What is THAT?

Ellen: That is the bottom of my crockpot AFTER I had already scrubbed it out twice. And I’m talking the bottom of the cooking unit. The warm and toasty latte that sloshed between the pottery crock and the metal heating part baked to a lacquer-like finish worthy of Chinese cabinetry. Apparently liquid doesn’t transport well in a crockpot.

Erin: That is an understatement.

Ellen: It took multiple cycles of baking soda and vinegar to get that nastiness clean. Hey, maybe I’ll get my revenge on Pinterest by pinning that disgusting picture.

Erin: I think you need to work on your revenge plots. How about we just tell people to follow us on Pinterest because we have a whole board of great libations?

Ellen: Fine. But I’m still pinning it.

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Pintershizz Mother’s Day Anti Gift Guide

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We have a love hate relationship with Mother’s Day. We are both blessed to have our mothers and we adore our kids, but May is just so overwhelming. With the dances and the plays and the banquets and the tournaments and the weddings and the graduations, we feel like we could meet ourselves coming and going.

This May is so hectic, we’re really too tired to even get on a good rant about it. Eh, we did it last year and it still applies. Our favorite part is that the creator of Mother’s Day was driven crazy by Mother’s Day. She died blind, poor, and childless. Go read all about it.

We were going to be more positive this year and write a list of fabulous Mother’s Day gifts, but the brilliant Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns beat us to it with her hilarious post, Ten Things I Really Want for Mother’s Day. Just to seal the deal that you click on over to read it, here is number seven on her list. But you need to pinkie swear promise that you will come back because we plan on hitching this post to the hilarious train. We swear.

7. I want to pee and poop alone. I will prepare for the day by downing a tanker truck full of liquid and eating ridiculous amounts of fiber.

Thanks for coming back. We knew you loved us. And we won’t disappoint you because we decided to go the way of Pintershit for this one.

1. Nothing “As Seen on TV”

Ellen: Whoa wait! Why is this first on the list? I got one of those Perfect Brownie Pans one year and I love it! I can make 18 perfectly sized, moist and chewy brownies, each with perfect edges every single time!

Erin: Do you have a side job as a spokesmodel? I was thinking more along the lines of this beauty. I picture myself with a dandelion puff of a rat’s nest after using this. Your head of matted hair would be spectacular. It would give new meaning to the saying, “My hair looks like a cyclone hit it.”

Source: aircurler.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

Ellen: Okay so this is kind of bad, but on the other hand they are kind of winning me over with the word “luscious.” But on the other other hand, it kind of looks like some deranged Barbie themed breastmilking device. But just for the record, “As Seen on TV” doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad. I’m also the proud owner of a Snuggie and Footie Pajamas – complete with a trap door. See?

Me and Macklemore are gonna pop some tags.

Erin: This picture right here might be all the Mother’s Day gift I need.

Ellen: You’re welcome. By the way, Kids, don’t listen to Miss Erin. I’d totally be into the Air Curler.

2. A No For Everyone but Ellen

Erin: Based on the footie pajamas, I’m assuming this would be a hit with you.

Ellen: Hellz yes. I pray I get this to scare the bejeezus out of you when we go camping together. THAT would be the best Mother’s Day gift ever for me.

Source: soapdispenser01.blogspot.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

3. Nothing Creepy

Ellen: Dude? What’s wrong with skeletons?

Erin: Damn, you must be easy to shop for. But c’mon, these chairs say, “Start digging in the back yard for bodies.”

Ellen: Maybe, but I wouldn’t want them because the vertebrae are all wrong.

Erin: Yeah. That’s the problem.

Source: betterlivingthroughdesign.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

4. Nothing that is Really About Our Kids’ Interests

Erin: We support our kids, but we do have our own interests. Mother’s Day should be about us, not about us ONLY having identities through our children. For example, we try not to take the “sports mom” thing too far.

Ellen: These shoes are the definition of too far.

Source: google.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

5. Nothing Alive

Erin: I would find the pressure to keep this gift alive soul crushing.

Ellen: Agreed. But it looks so comfortable and stylish. What could be bad about having a pot of dirt around your neck?

Source: fab.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

6. Nothing Using Our Kitchens

Ellen: While the thought of breakfast in bed seems appealing, things would not turn out like this.

Source: kingofcooking.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

Erin: We’ve been at this mothering gig for quite a while, you can’t fool us.

Ellen: Our kitchens would so look like a typhoon hit a garbage dump.

Erin: And we would so have to clean it up. I can’t even think about the puddles of syrup. No freakin’ pancakes are worth this. Just let us get our own cereal. We’re good.

Source: thekitchn.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

7. Nothing Creepy!

Erin: No words.

Ellen: Is it weird I’m almost as disturbed by her nappy hair as that hideous earring?

Erin: Maybe she got the Air Curler for Mother’s Day.

Source: imgur.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

8. WE SAID NOTHING CREEPY!

Ellen: For the love of God, burn it!

Erin: Bury it in the back yard!

Source: etsy.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

Okay, on that note we’re done with the anti gift guide. So what do we want?

Ellen: I like my Mother’s Day simple and my gifts sweet. One of my favorites were these “Sweet Hearts” that my youngest made them for me.

Erin: They are adorable. I like my gifts simple and sweet too. Here’s my list: Kelly Moore camera bag, sports lens for my Nikon, and a remodeled bathroom.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Ellen and Erin

Pintershizz Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Read the whole Pintershizz series here.

May is so busy we’re too tired to rant about Mother’s Day unless we get something from this guide.

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Check out our books, please, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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Catcrap Crazy Pintershizz

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What is it about cats that makes them synonymous with crazy? Is it their aloofness or their murderous tendencies? Is it merely because of the alliteration? The term “Crazy Cat Lady” rolls off the tongue while “Crazy Dog Woman” or “Crazy Gerbil Guy” aren’t even things. Well, the gerbil guy may be a thing, but we’re too afraid to Google it.

We’ve had our own run-ins with cat craziness. Heck, Erin can’t even keep the cats in her house straight. She had an imposter living with her for a while. Wait, does that qualify her as a Crazy Cat Lady or just crazy?

Either way, that story is not as crazy as some of the cat inspired items you can find on our pal Pinterest.

1. Let’s start with the cat crap.

We know people live in small spaces and want to hide the litter box, but this is how we see this one playing out . . .

Imagine a Norman Rockwell perfect holiday. Everyone has feasted and now the family has settled down to play Scrabble, but wait, there is a dispute over the word “scurrilities.” You, the host, jauntily proclaim, ” I cry foul! Spellcheck doesn’t even recognize . . . FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, AUNT LINDA, THERE IS NO DICTIONARY IN THAT CABINET! Put on your glasses!”

Source: betweennapsontheporch.net via Sisterhood on Pinterest

2. You need a sharp pencil to keep score.

After almost grabbing a handful of litter box party favors, imagine the hoot Aunt Linda will get when you send her to sharpen her pencil in this gem.

Source: fab.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

3. Tastefulness is key when decorating.

No one likes potty humor? Tell that to the whoopie cushion industry, but we can’t guarantee Aunt Linda will understand.

Source: consequentlyslapdash.blogspot.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

4. Continuing with the “Steal Your Soul” sub-theme.

Any ol’ (crazy) person can decorate in a cat theme, but it is the true genius who weaves a subtle sub-theme, drawing you in with its complexity. What would go better with the above demonic cat toilet seat than a Stepford Cat toilet brush holder?

Source: staringdown40.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

5. Taking it to the next level.

Anybody with money ~~to burn~~ can buy cat themed items, but those dedicated to their decorating make their own accessories USING CAT HAIR. Imagine the chuckles “Allergic to Cats Aunt Linda” will enjoy when you tell her, “Sure I have Benadryl. It must be hard to see with your eyes swelling up like that, but it’s in the little box on the back of the toilet.” Wink, wink.

Source: etsy.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

(If you need a laugh today, please click on this pin to see the Etsy store for this!)

6. Maybe you should issue a warning.

If you had this doormat, maybe everyone wouldn’t be buggin’ that Aunt Linda’s trip to the ER was all your fault. Were you really to blame that she forgot her EpiPen?

Source: perpetualkid.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

7. Take your show on the road.

Maybe the problem is you’ve been hiding your light under a bushel basket. Let the world know you love cats and tell the haters to stop their wheezin’. This accessory would pump up the “Meow Factor” of any outfit.

Source: pbase.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

8. Hold the phone!

The secret is it’s fake! But imagine the conversations you could start with this purse! You might even get your very own personal phone call from Sarah McLachlan.

Source: lovelyish.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

9. When subtle isn’t enough.

May we suggest the Crazy Cat Lady uniform?

Source: tumblr.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

10. We feel like that outfit is missing something.

Fill in your own jokes, but don’t write them in the comments. Our kids read this blog.

Source: romwe.polyvore.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

Finally, Aunt Linda’s Revenge . . .

This is the only gift she’ll be giving you next year.

Source: ooh-shiny.net via Sisterhood on Pinterest

-Ellen and Erin

Laugh at the whole Pintershizz series here.

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Pintershizz: Buyer Be Dumb

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Shopping can be fun, boring, necessary . . . or it can be frivolous. Let’s face it; it’s really the buying that gets us into trouble. Most of the time we are Sensible, but every once in awhile, there is that purchase that just makes us shake our heads and say,”What in the name of all that is rational were we thinking?”

Erin: We’re not talking about an impractical splurge like this:

Source: mylusciouslife.com via myLusciousLife on Pinterest

Ellen: Yeah, these are ridiculously pricey, don’t really rock out with yoga pants, and would inflame my plantar fasciitis, but at least they can be hidden in a closet.

Erin: These shoes are so expensive I would probably have to display them on my mantle for the next decade and call them art to justify delving into the college funds for them. On second thought, my youngest is five, and they probably won’t even be using books by the time he goes.

Ellen: It’s really cute we’re talking about these shoes as a hypothetical bad purchase when I have THIS actually in my house:

We like to call it The Monster Bed: Where blankets and stuffed animals come to party.

Erin: That is one big, fabulous bed. I’m not seeing the problem.

Ellen: I feel like I should size the picture so that it spills over into the margins. You know, so that you get a visceral feel for how massive The Monster Bed really feels in my daughter Jellybean’s (12) room. This is as much of the bed as I could get in the frame because, as it was, my back was pressed against the wall.

Erin: But she LOVES that bed.

Ellen: But at some point she is going to move out and then we are stuck. It can’t be a guest bed, because getting into that thing as an adult is AWKWARD. The way the steps are arranged makes you have to hunch over and crawl up there like a hobbit. Grandma could never make it up there.

And it weighs a gazillion pounds. She wants her room repainted, but this bed can’t be moved. We are actually just going to paint around it. That makes me shudder.

Erin: If you squint your eyes, that idea might actually pass for Sensible. It would be easier just to deal with the wonky paint job when you finally get that thing outta there by taking a sledgehammer to it and throwing it out the window. Remind me again why you bought it?

Ellen: Well, mainly because Jellybean needed a bed since we had whisked her daybed down to the newly finished basement, but really because she fell in LOVE with it. I justified the purchase because of the storage possibilities.

Erin: Jellybean is a good girl, she deserved it. Those drawers are fabulous.

Ellen: It can’t be justified. This is what we use them for:

Where candy goes to rot. She doesn’t so much like to EAT the candy as to HAVE the candy.

Erin: You know what would make you feel better? A good ol’ round of Pintershizz. There are much dumber things to buy for the home than Monster Beds that bring your children joy.

Laugh at the whole Pintershizz series here.

9 Things Pintershizz That Put Your Insensibility On Display

(Working Title in Japan: How to Have Fun With Grandma)

1. Actually Have Your Children Swinging From the Ceiling

Ellen: Really!?! That’s my basement.

Erin: I just thought it would be helpful to point out The Monster Bed was not alone in your house.

Ellen: Weird. Helpful is not the word that came to mind.

Source: Uploaded by user via Sisterhood on Pinterest

2. Chairs That Look Like Something the Cat Coughed Up

Erin: Okay, all poking at you aside, how about this one?

Ellen: Now that is Pintershizz! I wonder if you need a distemper shot to sit in it.

Source: yankodesign.com via JonPaul on Pinterest

3. Chairs That Force You to Use the Words “Phallic Symbol”

Erin: Here, Grandma, we saved a special seat just for you!

Ellen: Gives a new dimension to awkward family moments.

Source: yankodesign.com via Karen on Pinterest

4. Fridge of the Future

Erin: You just place your food in the gel to keep it cold. How could this not be a fabulous addition to a household with kids?

Ellen: I’m going to start working on the baby proofing for this now! We’ll be rich!

Source: yankodesign.com via Mary on Pinterest

5. The Bathmat That’s Bringing The Feel of Outdoor Plumbing Back

Ellen: A bathmat for those of us who don’t have enough dirt, mold, and mildew in our bathrooms already.

Erin: Super duper shiny bright side? It can double as a litter box.

Source: yankodesign.com via Jamie on Pinterest

6. Because It’s Easiest to Find Pintershizz in the Bathroom

Erin: Yep, this toilet seat scale weighs you “Before” and “After.”

Ellen: Gives scientific quantification to the term “Dropping a load.” Yet another thing for Grandma to enjoy at your house.

Source: yankodesign.com via Sara on Pinterest

7. When You Want Agility to Be the Gauge for Who Can Use Your Facilities

Ellen: Grandma would be s*** out of luck with this rodeo toilet.

Erin: Waa waa.

Source: jwz.org via Sisterhood on Pinterest

8. For the Animal Lover/Contagion Fan

Ellen: Have you ever wanted to pretend you worked in a Biohazard lab while washing your dog? Want no more!

Erin: I’m sure you could use it with kids too. Nothing wrong with wrapping your kids in plastic while lovingly bathing them.

Ellen: Plus picture this curtain WITHOUT someone’s arms in it. Opens up the opportunity to explain to Grandma why your shower curtain looks like a giant tandem prophylactic.

Source: solutions.com via RaVae on Pinterest

9. One of These Pins is Not Like the Other

Ellen: We’ve had a good time presenting home products, but sometimes you have to twist the theme to accomplish a goal: like poking fun at your blogging buddy. We began this post at my expense, but we’re ending it at Erin’s.

Erin: You do know I’m right here? What are you talking about?

Ellen: I’m referring to when you asked me where to get a laser pointer, aka “Blinding Device”.

Erin: Well, it is for Science Olympiad for my middle boys—refraction and mirrors and all that. It’s so cool . . .

Ellen: What did your homeschooling neighbor say when you asked her if she had one?

Erin: I believe her exact words were, “Are you crazy!?!”

Ellen: Well I found the pointer for you. If you’re going to go that way, you might as well go full on Pintershizz.

Source: thinkgeek.com via Carmen on Pinterest

Erin: Wow.

Ellen: Just tell the boys not to run with them. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

-Ellen and Erin

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Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Valentine’s Day Pintershizz

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Here’s the deal. Between January 31st and February 11th, both of us have birthdays and so do our husbands, so by the time Valentine’s Day rolls around this is pretty much how we feel:

Now don’t go calling us the Grinches of Valentine’s Day. We’re just tired of spending and doing by the time the 14th rolls round. Seriously, it’s hard enough mustering enthusiasm for birthdays once you high-five forty, but birthdays lurking along less than 50 days after Christmas? Meh. And then Valentine’s Day about a week later? Well, Sweet Brown up there expressed it best. We’re turning to our old pal Pintershizz to find —

10 Things Pintershizz We Don’t Have Time For on Valentine’s Day

1. Going out to dinner.

Does this surprise you? In theory it sounds good and we do love date nights with our husbands. However, Valentine’s Day is like amateur night: the menus are often fixed, the prices are hiked, and the service is lousy because the poor wait staff is running ragged fluttering those rose petals over champagne toasts. Give us a random Friday night out instead and we’ll swoon. Plus, Ellen still hasn’t gotten over the memory of the V-Day about 21 years ago when she and her husband got the worst case of food poisoning they have ever endured. The restaurant was named Il Fiore, but will forever be known as The ILL Fiore to Ellen and Frank.

You might consider al fresco dining as a way to beat the crowds, but it is February, People. A table for two outside can quickly turn into gurneys for two in the Emergency Room. Because frostbite. Unless you’re in the tropics and then why are you reading this post? It’ gorgeous, get outside. Pinterest source.

2. Flowers

Okay, now maybe we ARE vying for the title of “Grinches of Valentine’s Day,” but flowers on V-day just seem so trite, and well, easy. And oh my goodness, they are expensive. Just surprise us with daisies on a random day in June and use the rest of the flower fund to make us some spare keys for our vans so we have a 60% chance of getting out of the house on time.

Get a bonus King Kong sized box of Claritin if you order right now with promo code: thismakesmethinkyouareguiltyaboutsomething. Pinterest source.

3. Torture devices passing as sexy

Okay, we like sexy just as much as the next girl, but if it is going to cause us the discomfort of a thousand cactus needles being shoved under our fingernails while simultaneously enduring Justin Beiber piped directly into our craniums, then you can just throw that mess onto the Pintershit pile, too.

On second thought, maybe these will keep Pushy Peggy from running up on our junk in the Walmart checkout line. Pinterest source.

4. Lingerie

C’mon. Who’s the lingerie really for? Is it really a gift for us? See above if you’ve forgotten that quickly how we feel about sexy items passing for torture devices. Take Granny’s advice—nothing says sexy louder than a girl who is comfortable in her own ~~skin~~ panties—emphasis on the comfortable.

Is it underwear or washable birth control? Pinterest source.

5. Man Costumes

No!! Just because we said that lingerie was not exactly a gift for us, we didn’t mean our men had to dress up! This does not qualify as a gift either . . . although there is the gift of laughter to consider.

Want to see my toaster streudal? Pinterest source.

6. Geekery Fashion

We know we’ve just been yucking it up with the granny panties and with lederhosen, but Valentine’s Day really isn’t the time for gag gifts. If it makes you snicker in the store, just walk away or throw it on the Pintershizz bonfire.

It’s a puzzle, it’s a purse, no, it’s a bad idea. Pinterest source.

7. Things to Make Homemaking Easier

Get it together! No appliances are to be given on Valentine’s Day! Even a vacuum this cool can’t get you out of the doghouse . . . unless it comes with a FULL TIME housekeeper à la The Brady Bunch. So to clarify: any appliance without an “Alice” is Pintershizz.

The only thing that will be wanted if we receive appliances for Valentine’s Day is us . . . for murder. Pinterest source.

8. Sweets

We can hear you saying, “What is wrong with you two? What is so bad about candy on Valentine’s Day?” Well, let’s just say we’ve been working really hard trying to beat the post-40 bulge and we don’t actually want to fit into those granny panties.

Nope. No jewelry in here, only diabeetus. Pinterest source.

9. The Love Toilet

Do we really have to explain why this is Pintershizz? C’mon, you’re better than that!

What better way to spend $1400 than to pave your way to divorce court? Pinterest source.

10. The Wine Purse

What did we say about tacky gag gifts . . . wait a minute. This is pure genius! Write this one down.

Making friends at PTA meetings since 2014. Pinterest source.

So what will we accept on Valentine’s Day since we have just poo-pooed a ton of the classics and then some? Well,we’d never turn away jewelry.

Earrings always fit no matter how much Halloween/Christmas/Valentine’s Day candy you indulge in. Pinterest source.

Unless it looks like this! Get your head in the game!

Their dreams of us making supplemental income as voodoo priestesses are just gonna have to die. Maybe we could sell their baseball cards instead? Pinterest source.

The direct route to the romance-filled center of our hearts? A night away—No! A weekend away!—fully planned by our hubbies INCLUDING arrangements for the kids and pets. That last piece of planning is what makes this the true gift of romance. Can we get an “Amen”? But even the gazillion points they would earn by scheduling babysitting would be cancelled out if they took us here.

Nothing is more romantic than hanky-panky in a drainpipe. Pinterest source.

Happy Valentine’s Day from the oh-so-easy-to-please Sensible Sisterhood!

May you NOT receive these Pintershizz-y gifts this Valentine’s Day!

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Pintershizz: The New Year’s Eve Edition

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Here at the Sisterhood, we are huge fans of Pinterest. We have over 3,900 pins to prove it. But you have to be wary of the Pintershizz. It can lead you to lose your mind by goading you to go over the top or, more benignly, it can just be pure entertainment. Pure, disturbing, entertainment. The problem is when you fall for executing the Pintershizz and end up getting Pinter-punked. Pinterest fails are tragic, y’all.

Erin: Do you really want to start out the new year with such negativity?

Ellen: Well, how about this? We ended 2012 getting Pinter-punked?

Erin: It’s really more accurate. And it would be ABSOLUTELY accurate is you said YOU ended 2012 by getting Pinter-punked.

Ellen: All I wanted to do was bring a fancy schmancy cocktail to your house for New Year’s Eve. Pinterest was full of them and I had been so impressed when the Michalaks showed up at the last soiree with this refreshing gem of their own creation.

Source: sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

Erin: Why didn’t you just bring that?

Ellen: Because I wanted to be different and if you never DO or MAKE any of the crap you pin, isn’t it just electronic hoarding?

With a start this Martha Stewart-esque, what could go wrong?

Erin: Well your prep basket was Pinterest-worthy, but what made you choose The Kahlua Float?

Ellen: It looked gorgeous. I love Kahlua. It had champagne. What is more perfect for New Year’s Eve than a cocktail that has champagne??

Erin: Okay, but what about the coffee ice cream? I have to tell you, coffee ice cream makes me want to gag.

Ellen: You might be missing the point. What SHOULD have made ME gag was the thought of coffee ice cream IN white wine. Here’s the recipe: 1 scoop espresso or coffee ice cream, 1.5 oz Kahlua, topped with 1/8 cup champagne. Ew! Who puts ice cream in wine??? My only defense is that I was enchanted by this photo.

Source: heatherchristo.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest

Erin: Or maybe it failed because you rednecked it up. Nice plastic glass. And it probably would have been better if you had used chocolate sprinkles.

What??

Ellen: First, I expected you to have champagne flutes or at the very least, wine glasses for me to use. I really brought the plastic cups for the root beer floats for the kids. Second, it was not the sprinkles. So I got caramel jimmies instead of chocolate. Walmart was out.

Erin: Redneck point punctuated . . .

Ellen: You just go on throwing stones at my plastic cups. I was not going to multiple stores to find chocolate sprinkles. Have you ever tasted a sprinkle? By itself? No matter what flavor they say they are, they taste like nothing. They are flavorless hydrogenated calorie bombs. One tablespoon is 60 calories.

Erin: Get out! That’s crazy! So if you have an ice cream cone covered in sprinkles, you really could have another scoop of ice cream for the same amount of calories? So I’m going back to my original statement, but with more venom. This drink failed because sprinkles are the devil.

Ellen: Okay, I’ll go along with sprinkles being the Trojan Horse of calories and they are miserable to drink through or around . . .

Erin: But it was super fun to pick them out of your scarf and I even think I got some in my hair. And down my shirt.

Ellen: Don’t forget getting them up your nose. But back to my points. This drink failed because it was ice cream in wine! Coffee ice cream, no less, in white FIZZY wine. What was I thinking?? I went back to the original blog post and there were lots of comments saying how pretty the drink looked, but not much about its taste.

We just realized we coordinated. How cute is that? Now you can gag too.

Erin: You were lured in by the pretty picture! We did enjoy the Kahlua over the ice cream, though. That was yummy.

Ellen: But it was hardly a cocktail.

Erin: Maybe you should have consulted me first. My Rein-Beer at the Christmas party was a hit. I have never been steered down the merry pathway of Pintershizz. I read the directions and can just tell if its going to be good or not.

So Proud

Ellen: Well, la-di-da! Aren’t you the Princess of Pinterest? You twisted some pipe cleaners and glued some googly eyes. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. I’ve never gotten steered wrong like this either. One of my superpowers is picking out good recipes.

Erin: I don’t need to pat myself on the back because I’m wearing the tiara. I think your “Super Recipe Picker Outer” cape would go nicely with it.

Ellen: And on that note. . .