‘Twas the night before Halloween,
And all through Ellen’s house,
Not a costume was decided on,
And folks were starting to grouse.
On Ninja Turtles, on Minions, on Wonder Woman too.
All of these were rejected, even ghosts that go “Boo!”
So with nary a slim second to shave,
That red and white wonder,
Pinterest, was consulted for the save.
Erin: Wow. You know you could cut the angst if you all just wore the same costumes every year. Like me.
Ellen: Yeah. That is going to be a negatory for me. But, I have to admit Pinterest has not been my savior either. I’ve gotten sucked down the rabbit hole of weird Pintershizz–even weirder than your milkmaid. So while I’m no closer to being costumed, I AM very entertained.
Erin: Let’s share and entertain everyone. It is what we do after all.
Ten Tremendously Awkward Halloween Costumes
We original thought we’d list these from least awkward to most, but dang, they’re all just so awful. So we’re going to start with the innocents who could not say no and who had no one of any sense to stand up for them.
1. You Can Dress a Pig Up
If a 9 year old girl did not stage this photo, then the awkward sadness oozing from it can’t even be sopped up with a 5 pound bowl of cookie dough.
2. Doubt His Farts Smell Like Rainbows
We find it a little sad to see animals dressed up, but the humiliation in this pooch’s eyes haunts us. But maybe this pug had it coming. That’ll teach him to pee on Aunt Gertrude’s heirloom Persian rug. And really, he could have run away; not to mention he has a little thing called fangs.
3. Little Giblets
Now this poor baby had no defenses. What new mom or dad has enough sleep or fortitude to construct anything like this? And this definitely screams custom-made. Not a big market for transforming your offspring into entrees. Are you feeling the fear in his eyes?
4. Emu Contortionist
The little Butterball above didn’t have a chance, but this capon chose this ridiculousness. Are you grasping that the person’s head is at the base of the fowl’s neck? And, oh yeah, the head is a shoe. But the kicker (pun intended)? This was found on Sexy Costume Club. We need to go hit up the dictionary because we didn’t know that sexy was a synonym for awkward. What we do know is this is the worst manifestation of party animal ever.
5. Couple of Boobs
This costume requires more commitment than a diamond ring and a mortgage. For it to make any sense, you are walking with your arms around each other. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. And you’re getting groped.
6. Creepier Than Chuckie
We cannot even imagine what went into the decision making process for this get-up. We do know what was NOT involved in the planning: Testosterone.
7. Chainmail Can’t Protect You From Awkward
The one problem with this? Lack of commitment. Where is the chainmail diaper? But we’re just pulling your leg, there’s a moat-load of wrong going on here.
We know we said it was impossible to rate these from least awkward to most, but really, these last three are the grand finale . . .
8. Precocious Prophylactic
So much wrong in such a skinny wrapper. Can you feel the awkwardness of the neighbors having to pass candy out to this? Bright side? He’s been offered an after-school job at the local health center.
9. Bakery Fail
If the previous costume was screaming for a call to Child Protective Services, this one begs for a Health Department write-up. Why exactly does her belly have to be naked?
10.Words Fail Us
Erin: On that note, I declare ENOUGH! I do NOT want to see your husband’s head, um, there.
Ellen: Seriously. Don’t you worry your lactose tolerant kerchief because I don’t have time to find a gurney. In fact, I have completely run out of time to look. Since I haven’t found a costume ON Pinterest, my costume is going to BE Pinterest.
Erin: And this is why we love you.
Ellen: Happy Halloween everybody! Put down that Mason jar for a second and follow us on Pinterest!
-Ellen and Erin
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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”
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