Tag Archives: Character Assassination Carousel

Fox and Hen Together on Fried Kentucky Shore

We announced to the world, on our Monday Listicle a couple of weeks ago, that there were certain children’s books that we would, well, like to throat punch. Now it is our turn on  The Character Assassination Carousel hosted by the hilarious and industrious Nicole Leigh Shaw over at Ninja Mom Blog. Time to turn the flame up to full roast!

 

Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures came before us and skillfully poached Babar. Treat yourself by checking out her post, after you’ve finished reading ours of course! Christine of Naptime Writing is up next. Can’t wait to see what book she targets.

 

And speaking of treats, do we have one for you!

This is a Read-Along Assassination!

To hear our voices soothe you off to Dreamland, click the media player and get started.

 

Erin: It’s the close of another juice-cup-filling, nose-wiping. . .

Ellen: lunch-packing, homework-crunching, dinner-slopping. . .

Erin: sports-hopping, bath-drenching day. Little Darling cuddles in for his evening storytime and hands me this little gem.

Ellen: Oh, joy! A book without words that your crazy, artsy friend gave you at your baby shower. Because nothing will top off an evening like this more than making up your own story.

Erin: I hardly have enough energy to brush my teeth tonight,  but sure I can make up a humdinger for you. It only takes me 25 edits to write a blog post.

Ellen:  Truth be told her story sucked, but now in the new light of day with a little sleep, she remembers how funny WE are.

Erin: So we decided to make lemonade out of this lemon.

Ellen: We present for your enjoyment…

Erin: …and ours too if we are totally honest…

Ellen: the victim of this week’s Character Assassination Carousel, Fox and Hen Together by Beatrice Rodriguez.

Erin: Henceforth to be referred to as Fried Kentucky Shore as lampooned by Erin and Ellen.

 

 

Ellen: It’s a beautiful day on Fried Kentucky Shore. Some might say it is an unusual day because Chooki has put down the bottle and is nursing her maternal instincts by rocking her egg to a techno-beat.

I knew Poultry magazine had it all wrong. Chooki is going to be one fine feathered motherclucker.

Erin: But Southern Coop Living had it all right! Look at those tacky PDA photobooth pictures on the wall! And that empty fridge.

The Foxuation grunts, “Yo, Chooki, where’s the eats?!?”

Chooki says, “We only have half a bottle of Stoli and this champagne you swiped from the wedding you valeted.”

Pauly C, the mooch, chimes, “This is bogus, man, I haven’t had anything to eat since I hit the floor after those jeigerbombs last night and landed in that pile of pretzel crumbs.

Chooki says, “You’re such a bottom feeder. I got this, you losers.”

Erin: So she does what any chick in a den of slacker boys would do. . .

Ellen: And we do mean slack-ers! The Foxuation lost the car in a gambling spree, and Pauly C used all their extra scratch for GTL

Erin: (Look it up in the Urban Dictionary, losers.) She takes care of business herself with the only thing she has left—a fishing rod.

 

Ellen: I think she thought it was a whip.

Erin: I think if she had more brains she would see that Pauly C looks like a good appetizer . Just saying.

Ellen: Hold on a minute, Erin. Are you just skipping over the tender ménage à troi farewelling  to the egg? Back it up for a minute and REALLY look at those tacky love pictures on the wall.

Erin: Alright, let’s humor Ellen and all look at the pictures on the wall. Wait a minute, who has this chickie been chucking?

Ellen: That‘s what I’m saying. This is no-teach-a-chicken-to-fish-and-the-menagerie- eats-forever story.  It’s a “Who’s Your Baby Daddy: Fried Kentucky Style”.

Erin: I see warning signs a-flashing à la Dr. Phil. The Foxuation is the ultimate bad boy: he’s foxy, he’s needy, and he is an ever-loving ACTUAL predator.

Ellen: Run, Chooki, run!  Do not walk! And do NOT take the creepy crustacean sidekick with you!

Erin: Ellen, focus your inner Winnie the Pooh, we are only the narrators.

Ellen: So let’s focus on the Springer in this story and skip to the fight scene. It all starts when FUGLY steals the fish.

Erin: FUGLY?

Ellen: Falcon of Unknown Genealogical Lineage…Y’all.

Erin: Oh, him. He drags our Chooki and Pauly C, who is hanging on her tail feathers like the backpack he is, and unceremoniously dumps them in the drink. But the Ch-itch still has her fish.

Chooki screams as the FUGLY flies away, “ You ruined my blowout , Motherclucker. It cost me a Benjamin. But, you’ve messed with the wrong chick. I won, ‘cuz I got the fish.”

Ellen: Chooki thinks she’s won, but her screeching rouses the Guido from his hole.

Erin:  He is pissed because some skank slinked off with his gold chains this morning. He is coming off a bad night, and he is just looking for trouble.

Ellen:  But instead he finds himself presented with a tasty snack of Filet o’ Fish with a side of nuggets and crab claws.

Erin: Little does he know that he has actually found trouble with a capital T, and it is spelled Chooki.

Ellen: Chooki is spelled with a C, but anyway, she is one tough…

Erin: Primo Poulet

Ellen: Um, are you serious? We’re going a little more street than that. This is a Jersey Shore spoof. Who needs to focus now?

Erin: But anyway, Chooki is bringing it Kentucky Shore style.

Ellen: She’s on the left.

Erin: She’s on the right.

Ellen: And she’s down.

Erin: But not for long.

Ellen: She hog ties that mouth-breathing-chain-wearin’-gel-sloppin’ Guido…

Erin: …and shows him “Who’s Your Daddy.”

Ellen: I like how you channeled your “street” there, much better, but “Daddy?”  Don’t you mean, “Who’s Your Momma?” Chooki owns this; Pauly C. was as useful as a trap door on a canoe. In fact, let’s cut that poser Pauly C out of this.

Erin: In fact, let’s cut to the disturbing ending, shall we?

Ellen:  Sure. The lighting is soft.. . .

Erin: Good lord, you and your soft lighting.

 

Ellen: I just appreciate the scene being set. Anyway, it’s spotlighting the broken egg.

Erin: Chooki is horrified.  She picks up the frying pan like a weapon.

Ellen: I’m horrified too! How is her first thought that her Chuck Buddy was snacking on her chick? And why does a chicken have a frying pan ANYWAY?

Erin: She totally went to, “Motherclucker ate my baby, WHAT?”   She is going ALL Loretta Bobbins.

Ellen: What the heck are you talking about?  Do you mean Lorena Bobett?

Erin: Yeah, you know, the chick that sliced and diced her husband’s package.

Ellen: Disturbing. Um, adjust your glasses, Granny, she is taking it to the next level. She is about to end the Foxuation for good.  She knows she picked a lowdown scoundrel. She watches Maury Povich every afternoon.

Erin: And speaking of Maury Povich, the master of the paternity reveal, are you really looking at that offspring?

Ellen: What is that thing?? There is no creature like that in nature.

Erin: It’s got fox ears and wings. It’s the Frankenstein of babies.

 

Ellen: It’s not a Frankenstein baby. It’s a FICKEN.

Erin: There’s no such thing as a frickin’ Ficken. You made that up!

Ellen: Ya think? There are no words for that biological fail.

Erin: But the most important part of any children’s book is the happy ending.

Ellen: And what is happier than toasting a weird-ass newborn creaturewith a little ALCOHOL and the conquered roasting on a spit?

 

Erin: Wait! But there also has to be a moral!

Ellen: So what kind of moral exactly are we finding in this train wreck, Pollyanna?

Erin: Don’t chuck a fox or you could be raising a Ficken.

Ellen: And that there is your Sisterhood Secret. Sweet dreams, Mothercluckers!

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

Share it real good . . .
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponShare on RedditEmail this to someonePrint this page

10 Children’s Books We Wanna Throat Punch

We Love Stasha and Her Listicle Ways

So for this Monday Listicles, it is all about books. We thought we were going to be like kids in a candy store, unable to focus on what sort of list we would want to make because books are, well, like candy to us. But like the assassins we have been tagged to be, our only real choice was to list children’s books we would love to assassinate or, at the very least, throat punch.

 

Confused and mildly worried blog reader say, “What?”

We are talking, of course, about The Character Assassination Carousel hosted by the hilarious and industrious Nicole Leigh Shaw over at Ninja Mom Blog. Each month a guest blogger steps up to roast a different children’s book. I can see you going, “Oh, now I know what they are babbling about.” For those of you in the back, still in the dark, click on the badge to get the full scoop. And do it quickly because you’re blowing our cover.

Ten Children’s Books We Wanna Throat Punch

1. Babar—We begin here by giving props to the most recent Character Assassination  executed by Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures where she puts Babar firmly in her cross hairs. Her fractured tale, Babar Gets Poached, sarcasto-blasts passive-aggressive parenting and mutant pedophiles. Quite honestly, if she had not taken the big guy down, we would have, because ooh-la-la, this series of French books about an elephant king and his wacky brood makes you wonder if something  was lost in translation. If politically and morally offensive yarns are your cup of tea (and, no, Bill Maher does not count), then these lovely tales of imperialism are for you. Add some questionable family values (he marries his cousin–Hello, West Virginia!!)–and you’ve got one humdinger of a family storytime.

2. The Giving Tree– We cannot continue with this list without mentioning the Jason Bourne of Assassins herself, Ninja Mom. The Giving Tree has always made Ellen feel all give-the-boy-a-throat-punch. How self-centered can one kiddie lit character be? He is at the very least a diagnosable narcissist.  Ninja Mom gives the tree her moment to vent. Boo-yah!

 

Now allow us to branch out on our own for some target practice pot shots.

3. Franklin– Poor little turtle is toting  a world of problems in that shell, so you almost feel bad for him. Unfortunately,  he’s more needy than a Kardashian with a maxed AmEx. When he’s afraid of the dark, he doesn’t just buy a nightlight like everybody else, he’s that friend who wants to talk it out. A LOT. “Hey, I am afraid of the dark, what are you afraid of duck and fox and bear and beaver and raccoon and the whole freaking forest. Oh, and he is so virtuous and wholesome, and daggum nice, that he could be the mayor of Mayberry. Warning: This book could give you cavities . . .or a migraine or migraines because of cavities.

4. Margaret Wise Brown—Classic kiddy lit is not that different from classic adult lit—someone told you that it’s good for you, but you have no idea why. In this case, all the world of kiddy lit LOVES this lady, and this lady is well, a little nuts. Rhyme schemes come and go, sentence structures fall apart, and the laws of good grammar are suspended. It’s enough to make adults reach for a little something to help this go down.

5. Olivia — This line, “You wear me out but I love you anyway,” from Olivia’s mother is your warning. Between singing at the top of her lungs, painting things she shouldn’t, and scaring the bejeesus out of her brother, Olivia is the kind of pig known an a “negative influence”. She is a rollicking good time (if you are on the pathway to juvenile delinquency), so kids LOVE her, but if you have your own spirited little Olivia, this might be another book worth passing on.

6. The Thomas the Train books— How could such an adorable premise like talking trains lead to such creepy books and an even creepier show? These books really do make your skin crawl. The fact that their merchandising is taking over the world seems to us the fruition of their evil plan.

7.  Sheep on a Ship-–Had a long day? Are you a little tired? Under the influence of any medications or numbed to mental mush by a day spent with your offspring? DO NOT PICK UP THIS BOOK. We are channeling Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars here to shout, “It’s a trap.” For your tongue that is. Unless you have your full wits about you, this book will expose your babies to a whole new world of language that is probably best left to the locker room. Just trust us on this one.

 

8.  No, David!– The good news: This is the whole book. This phrase, every page. Shwoo. Easy read. The bad news: It is chock full of bad ideas. The ugly: Kids lap this book up like it’s their manifesto. It’s basically a primer on how to send your parents to the edge, and since all children are just waiting for an excuse and some resources to bring the house down, you have been warned.

9. The Berenstain Bears–AKA The Boringstain Bears. Saccharin sweet adventures make us yawn anyway, but these books are a double-dose of Ambien… or Ipecac.  Donate these to that new mommy you might not be the best of friends with. Über-competent Mama Bear, with her Cracker Jack Box psychology, will give her such great parenting ideas. But on the truly helpful side, clueless Papa will justify all of the semi-homicidal feelings she has been having towards her hubby during her all night breastfeeding marathons.

10. Our Target–Stay tuned, it will all be revealed on May 10th. Until then, watch your back Tooth Fairy because we are sick and tired of you forgetting to visit our houses.

Think our pot shots are funny? Do yourself a favor and check out the whole list of full length lampoons over at Ninja Mom Blog.

And check out all the other Book Listicles on Stasha’s The Good Life.

Darn, we’ve given you so many reading assignments, when are you going to have time to pick up a book?

Share it real good . . .
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponShare on RedditEmail this to someonePrint this page