Tag Archives: conversations

Rules for the Mindful Parenting of Teens

Rules for the Mindful Parenting of Teens | Practical advice to help you on the wild roller coaster ride that is parenting teens. | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms “Here, Mom, sign this,” my 15 year old son said handing me a permission slip. We were all grabbing bags, lunches, gear for lacrosse, and keys. We were three seconds from being out the door, but my senses started tingling. Rule One of parenting teens: they like to leverage time, or lack of it, to slip under the radar. Calibrate your parenting alert system to activate immediately whenever they ask you to do anything with less than five minutes of wiggle room.

“Um, give me a minute. What is this?”

At this point, he actually started shaking the paper a little and whining about how it was time to leave. Rule Two of teen parenting: when they start leveraging your aging body, in this case, my eyesight, against you, take that system to full alert. I put down my bag and took the paper from his hands. This one is my third child. This is not my first rodeo. He does not want me to ask questions about this piece of paper.

At first glance, it was nothing. My son’s band is going to Disney. We have been signing waivers, permission slips, and checks for months. On the surface, nothing special. My alert system said to reread it. It said, “Something’s up with this paper. Put that other contact in, take another sip of coffee, and read between the lines.” As I was rereading the paper, my son actually grabbed my key, picked up all the bags, and started pushing open the front door.

Whoa.

Rule Three: teens have sloth-like tendencies that hinder them from unprovoked bursts of helpful labor. When they take action, kick that alert system up to Defcon One. In a state of high alert, I become the Rock of Gibraltar. I stood planted in place and read this paper again.

Oh.

Suddenly, all the subtle maneuvers and not-so-subtle ones made sense. This was the roommate form which laid out who would be rooming with my son, 1000 miles from home. There were three boys in his room, all upperclassmen, but one name stood out, a boy who had been busted on numerous occasions for drinking. My son knew this. He knew that I knew.

Rule Four of parenting teens: don’t back yourself or your kid into a corner. An immediate “no way in hell” would have shut down any conversation. More importantly, it wouldn’t have gotten me what I really wanted: the answer to the question “why are you putting yourself in this situation?”

“Put down the bags. Let’s talk. I’ll write you a note if you’re late.”

And we did talk then. And he was late to school. But I’m glad that we did. I heard how this situation played out. The older boys had asked him to be his roommate, so my freshman son, a little starstruck to be chosen, felt he couldn’t really say no. Also, the boy who had been in trouble is friendly, fun, and has a similar sense of humor to my son. My kid thought the arrangement would just make the trip more fun all around. At this my most exasperated Mom self thought, “ya think?” But Rule Five of parenting says to keep that exasperation to yourself to share with your husband later. I didn’t have time to waste; I had some heart breaking to do. Rule Six: when you have to lay down the hammer, do it gently, but mean it.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable with this.”

I laid out my reasons. Chief among them: if they were his roommates and they got into trouble, he would go down with them. He would have no safe space to retreat to. My son was surprisingly reasonable and changed his roommate group, but the next group he chose had similar issues, and we had a similar talk. At this point, my exasperated Mom self resurfaced, “Geez, child, this is what you are bringing me? Have you learned nothing?!” In the end, he will be rooming with a group that we both think will work for his fun level and my overall comfort level. However, I did make a huge neon mental note to self after this incident: this particular child makes decisions differently than his two older siblings. The good news is that we can talk and he can be reasoned with. The not-so-great news is that my parental alert system needed some important adjustments. To put it frankly, I am at Mom Level “Watch Like a Hawk” with this kid until he crosses that stage at graduation . . . from college.

I share this story, because contrary to so many other aspects of parenting multiple children, you can never coast when it comes to conversations about alcohol. Sure, with baby #3 you might have bought the cheap diapers, he might have potty-trained himself, and he definitely ate cheerios off the floor, but this is one arena in which you still need to bring your Momma Bear ‘A’ game every time to each and every kid. Follow up every funny feeling you might have and read every note for the fine print. With this particular subject, the stakes are too high.

I’ll leave you with this little anecdote which illustrates the larger point. Years ago, my husband Steve drew birthday party duty with my youngest. In addition to enduring the sugared up to the gills version of our son for this pool party, Steve was also going to have to get his parental chit-chat on. After talk of soccer teams and schoolwork subsided, one of the parents steered the conversation to more serious waters. He asked Steve how parenting a teen was different than a six year old.Steve threw this out: “Not different at all. I still do what I’ve always done. Trust but verify.”
Now, with three kids into the teen years I can say with all honesty that it’s as true a maxim as there ever was. We all want to trust our kids, we all want to think that our relationship with our kids is great, we all think that we know them so well, and we all want to believe that our kids would NEVER do something like drink or take crazy risks. Well, the very best, most involved parents I know understand that it’s not about them because kids make mistakes, kids get tripped up when cool upperclassmen pick them, and kids don’t always have the long view in mind when they are making decisions. So if nothing else, remember this: STAY VIGILANT, even if you’re on baby #17. Keep your eyes wide open for trouble. Like my dad said when he was teaching me to drive, “It’s best to see the potholes ahead before they rip out your undercarriage.” I’m not saying there won’t be bumps in the road through teendom, but hopefully, by staying alert, you won’t be blindsided by them.

-Erin

This is a sponsored post for Ask, Listen, Learn, but this story is all our own.

This month is Alcohol Awareness Month, so be sure to check out

all the great resources over there for talking with your kids about this important topic.

When parenting #teens, you need to bring your ‘A’ game for every kid. @AskListenLearn

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5 Things We Actually Talk About With Our Kids

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Some may say talk is cheap but we think it’s priceless. We are two ladies who love to talk. We like to gab about books and food. Occasionally, we take trips together and we’ll yammer on about those too. But what we really love to talk about is parenting.

With seven kids between us, we never run out of conversation or fodder for the blog. We see the value of discussion not just as a way to cement our friendship but as a tool to create better relationships with our kids too. We also believe that our talks are the crucial thing that will help guide them through the minefields of adolescence, particularly underage drinking.

Because good friends share, we love to help our fellow moms out by not just offering up our conversations for your amusement, but our tips for better talks too. We have provided some kindling for conversation. And we have also given some great advice about how to picture a great conversation with your teen, how to get conversations rolling, and how to rise above the teen and tween grumpiness. But we realized that while we have provided you with some funny anecdotes and awesome metaphors, the one thing we haven’t done yet is given you some concrete examples of what we actually talk about.

Since we almost never start our talks with “hey, let’s talk about drinking,” here goes.

Five Things We Actually Talk About With Our Kids

1. How to Lean In (And On)

Sometimes we talk about things making waves in the news. Sheryl Sandberg rallied the troops with her call to girl power. We’ve been chatting this one up with our kiddos ever since. Boy or girl, young or old, we can all benefit from this sage advice of valuing yourself and your contribution and asking for what you want. We even took this one step further and told our kids to lean on as well. This is the dinner table topic that keeps on giving.

2. Practice Makes Perfect, or at least sense.

Other times, we find our talking points on TV. We had a right fine giggle with our kids over the Oscar night name debacle. John Travolta had one job which he punted terribly. As we kept hitting replay on the video of his massacre of poor Idina Menzel’s name, it prompted all kinds of great discussions about keeping your commitments, being prepared, and doing your best.

3. Anybody can stage a comeback.

Even our stomachs can lead us to a great talk. Erin’s kids couldn’t stop talking about Twinkie’s exit stage left in the fall of 2012. But the source of even more spirited conversation was Twinkie’s triumphant return the following summer. Suddenly, we weren’t just talking about Twinkies at all but about how people can fall and rise again. Cue the Rocky soundtrack. Do-overs are for everyone, even Twinkie.

4. Bigger isn’t always better.

Many, many times, we get our inspiration from movies. Both of our families are huge fans of movies in all their forms—the good, the bad, and the really, really, really bad ones we call guilty pleasures.

The Hobbit inspired a lot of spirited conversation at Erin’s house. Family members lined up on both sides of this movie. Some were rabid fans certain of its place as a masterpiece, while a solid group on the other side couldn’t help themselves from panning it every chance they got. It even spawned a catchphrase “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” It’s the movie that launched a thousand conversations.

5. Listen to Your Mother

But then again, sometimes our conversations just evolve from what we’re doing or what our kids are doing. We share our hopes and dreams for them a lot, but sometimes we let them see our vulnerable side too.

For this one, we’re pulling out our actual words said by our actual selves. The Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility asked us how we talk to our daughters and sons about underage drinking and our hopes and fears for them during the teen years and, well, this is what we said.

We know that everyone has jam-packed schedules just like us. We get that between sports practices, club meetings, band rehearsals, football games, Homecoming dances, and actual school, of course, there’s barely a second to fit in even one more thing. We feel ya that If you have a senior like Erin does, that tiny window for imparting the wisdom gets even smaller. But you can find the moments.

We have found that of all the things to make time for in our busy daily lives, conversation is the king. It’s not just the way we connect with our kids, but it opens us up to seeing our kids’ authentic selves as well. We may look like we are just talking about their favorite song or a great book they read, but we are being given opportunities to talk about the really important stuff too.

Talk then is like the two-fer bargain of the century. You give a little and get a lot. So invest in your conversations with your kids today. What you get in return: priceless.

Of course, we don’t just talk to each other and you shouldn’t just listen to us.

You can hear more real advice from our fellow bloggers and visit responsibility.org for additional resources and tips to keep teens safe.

We hope we inspired you to start your own conversation with your kids. You are the primary influence on your child’s decision to drink alcohol or not.

You can also follow @GoFAAR on Twitter and #responsibility to join the conversations other parents are having about this important topic.

When @goFAAR asked us how we start tough convos with our teens, here’s what we said….

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This is a sponsored post but the things we talk about are all our own. We really do endorse this as one of the many valuable resources available to guide you through the process of talking to your kids.

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Picture a Great Conversation With Your Teen

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Everybody should have a blog, and everyone should have a teenager.

Hear us out. We have not lost our minds . . . or at least that’s what the voices in our heads keep telling us.

Anyway, blogging has been a completely validating, delightful experience if you overlook the soul-sucking time spent falling down the rabbit hole of social media, the forays into the confusing world of HTML code, and the time spent with trolls and other internet nasties. It’s even worth it if you don’t make money.

But seriously, blogging produced some unforeseen, but completely wonderful side effects for us. For one, we’ve developed fulfilling relationships with people who read our blog and with other bloggers. But more surprisingly, blogging opened up positive feelings and deeper communications not only between the two of us, but with our kids, too.

We’ll say that last bit again. Blogging has improved our relationship with our kids. This, of course, developed after the infamous quote from Ellen’s daughter in the beginning:

Our blog is not just a place to write and express ourselves, but a place to express how we feel to our kids. The blog gives us a starting point to kick off some of the thornier conversations, and for that we are grateful. We can say, “Hey, we need to write about this topic for the blog, what to you think?” and the proverbial ball starts to roll.

It’s also a place for us to debunk the myth that the teenage years are awful. As we have transitioned ourselves over to Planet Teen, we have found that while adolescence can be rocky, in general, it isn’t so bad, and can actually be delightful.

The truth and enjoyment lies in bridging the Great Divide between what people want you to believe about teens and what teens are really like. Here’s the way we look at it. The kids you have loved, cheered for, and guided are now the interesting people you can share with on a deeper level. They have their own goals, dreams, ideas, and ambitions, and you have a front row seat to watch it all unfold. It’s pretty great.

And it’s so important to shout positive messages about teens from the rooftops because research shows that children who are validated by their parents and who feel confident are most resistant to peer pressure.

Since we are a wee bit iffy about heights, we’re going to ditch the ladder and shout it from the internet instead. For the #ToMyTeen campaign we were asked us to answer some prompts about our teens and to give some parenting advice. For fun, we decided to answer these without consulting each other. Check out what we came up with.

Oh but first, just to refresh, Erin has two teenage sons, 13 and 17, and one daughter who is 15, giving her a whooping three out of five kids who are teenagers. Ellen’s two daughters are 13 and 16.

Erin: After years of slugging through fart jokes, tears, and spilled milk, we are FINALLY able to have some real, thoughtful conversations around the old dinner table and I have to say it feels pretty great. You know what also feels great? Watching my kids be their best, most kind and generous selves. My heart swells when they weigh in on current events or just tell me what they really think and it melts when I see them lend a helping hand or offer a gentle word when needed. The word thoughtful perfectly describes these two important aspects of who they are right now.
Ellen: My daughters are many things, but I chose to highlight their intelligence because it’s their brains that will get them ahead in life and get them out of sticky situations. People are quick to give compliments about how pretty they are, but it’s their personalities and intelligence that make them the people you want to be around.

Erin: In my darker teen moments (think: empty linen closet because all of our towels are on my son’s floor), I can see why this stereotype persists, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. In my experience, teens aren’t lazy so much as gifted in the art of procrastination and deflection. They prioritize different things than I do, but they work hard at school, in their sports, and at their jobs. I have seen my kids and their friends work tirelessly and selflessly for that which they deem important. We adults need to focus on the positive and be open to seeing things from their perspective.

Ellen: To the effect of what Erin said, I hate how teens are portrayed on networks like Disney or Nickelodeon. My girls aren’t smart-mouthed and they’re not one dimensional. They can’t be pigeon-holed into restrictive categories like jock, geek, or flirt. And once and for all, beauty and brains are not mutually exclusive.

Erin: Trust but verify is a play on the toddler truism, “Never turn your back on them”, and it just happens to be a critical part of the teen parenting arsenal. Give them freedom with consequences. Be ready and willing to check in on everything.

Ellen: Setting boundaries and having your “No” really mean no when they are young will help you immensely when they are older and the stakes are higher. They will know in their DNA that no amount of theatrics will weaken you. At age three, it might mean not caving in to the tantrum for the lollipop in the checkout line. No big deal, right? But by age fifteen, the kid who is taller than you will know that all of the “you are ruining my life” slamming around will not sway you when you say no to an unchaperoned party.

Erin: I loved my kids when they were little, but I really like them now. They can turn any day into a good time. Not just fun but funny too, they remind me to take myself less seriously and enjoy each moment with them.

Ellen: I just feel like I am raising people who will EVENTUALLY be my best friends. Right now, they are my favorite people to be with and I pray that never changes.

But enough about us, here’s the greatest part!

You can have what we have: the chance to communicate with your kids on a digital level! You can upload your own love letters to your teens for the #ToMyTeen campaign here.

Not only will you be validating your teen for everyone to see, you will be automatically entered to win a $50 VISA gift card though the month of October.

Still feeling a little camera shy? Remember what we said about validated teens being more resistant to peer pressure? Here’s one reason why it’s important to tell our kids they’re great and to open portals to important conversations: One in 25 teens abuses OTC (over the counter) cough medicine to get high.

Yep. That is scary stuff, but October is National Medicine Abuse Awareness Month and there is no time like the present to face stats like these head on . . .

It is also important to know what to look for when it comes to OTC med abuse because knowledge is power. It is important to trust, but verify.

Don’t start hyperventilating in a paper bag! You have the actions you can take:

Pick one (or more) of the awesome prompts.
Upload your picture.
Show it to your teen.
Start your conversation: “I did this to let you know I think you’re awesome because being a teenager can be hard. You’re faced with all kinds of pressures. For example, have you ever heard of friends using cough syrup to get high?”

Or maybe a less awkward start than that, but you get the picture. Seize the moments that present themselves for meaningful discussions, use the #ToMyTeen campaign to kindle the conversation, and remember that the most important element in a “talk” is listening.

You’ve got this. Even if you don’t have a blog.

-Ellen and Erin

This post was sponsored, but all positive feelings about teens are all our own. We LOVE this campaign.

Want great conversations with your teens? Picture it, then do it! Join the fun at #ToMyTeen!

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How To Get Conversations With Your Kids Rolling

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We talk about talking with your kids a lot. You can read about it here and here.

But how, oh how, do you make it easier?

Try a little something we like to call “Stop, Drop, and Roll with it.” Stop the lectures. Drop the awkward broaching of even awkward-er topics. Roll with the conversation.

It’s all about building a “Culture for Conversation” with your kids. Every conversation does not have to be complex and deep to build a connection. Every shared giggle, every act of listening, every story told builds an environment, a culture, in your home conducive to conversation.

It’s all about sharing your real self with your real kids in a real way. So here’s a little how-to so you can get those conversations with your kids rolling today.

Elementary

In this age group, parents tend to drive the conversation, but kids are a receptive, captive audience. They still see you as a fountain of knowledge and a go-to for information. You are forming the habits now that will serve you later in the tween and teen years.

Erin’s family has a cube with table topics that they like to bring out at mealtime.

Create mealtimes and bedtimes with space for conversation. Establish the routine of conversing every day.

Use experiences with TV, movies, and music to kindle conversation. Homework can also be a great jumping off point.

Erin: While studying for a social studies test with my then third-grader, I asked him this question: “Name three ways the Native Americans use their natural resources.” This was his inspired response: “Well, very well, and outstanding.” In this case, we were able to talk about his possible future in stand-up. Don Rickles has nothing on this kid.

Purchase a conversation starter like TABLETOPICS Family: Questions to Start Great Conversations

Erin: We love this resource. It brings us gems like this: At dinner last night, we asked the question: So what makes you different from everyone else?

Son 1: I’m handsome.
Son 2: I have great hair.
Son 3: I am the funniest and cutest.

Apparently, humility is NOT the thing that distinguishes Dymowskis from the pack.

Sometimes conversation thuds, but learn to keep going and only laugh out loud if you can’t help it.

Erin: This is really, really hard to do sometimes, especially when your kids lob up keepers like this:

Son: Dad, that team we just beat is the same one we lost to in the first game of the season.

My husband: That’s great. What do you think was the difference?

Son: The score.

Middle School

This is the moment where the parenting dynamic shifts. You have to remember (over and over again) conversation is just as much about listening. At the very least, Middle Schoolers have many more opinions about what is going on in the world around them. At the very worst, they share them with you. We jest. Kind of.

How to get the converstion rolling with your kids. -Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

The best thing that you can do is to switch it up a little. Let them lead the conversation now. While they may no longer think of you as the Bomb Diggity of Wisdom, you’re still a major influencer in their lives. In fact, you are still the most important one. They want to have conversations with you. They just want more of a role determining where, when, and how.

With older kids, it’s less about creating a conversational agenda and more about grabbing a moment and going with it.

Erin: When my oldest was in 6th grade, I decided to use the time in the car to get at the heart of a matter bothering me. Not a bad idea in itself, but I was so set on attacking my agenda that I started pelting him with questions right out of a parenting book the second he got in the car. He knew I wasn’t being authentic and he called me on it. He rolled down the window and yelled out, “My mom is trying to relate to me.”

Catch them in the first 15 minutes when they walk through the door. They are ready to unload, but if you don’t catch it, they are stingy with the replay button.

Listen without judgment or reaction. Just use “Yes, I am listening cues” like nodding your head. We love Michelle Icard’s use of the term “botox brow.” Learn it, love it, employ it often.

In general, only give the info they are looking for, BUT always be on the lookout for segueing into trickier topics like underage drinking.

This is a great time to set conversational guidelines. We are talking about things like: no name-calling, no bringing up old business, no using words like “always” and “never”. This is the time to start modelling healthy relationship tools. At the very least, you are creating awesome future spouses. Imagine the thank you notes your future sons and daughters-in-law will send you.

Emphasize that disagreements arise between all people, even those who love each other. Families work to resolve conflict with open minds, open hearts, and open dialogue.

Oh, and learn their lingo. If you were visiting a foreign country, you would take a guidebook and learn the customs. The natives will appreciate the effort . . . usually.

High School

It’s similar to middle school, but teens spend more time away from families than with them. Between school, sports, activities, jobs, and friends, they have their own world. Honoring that they have their own life experiences and independent knowledge is key to maintaining a good open relationship.

Honor that they have been exposed to things that you didn’t expose them to. Ask about movies they have seen, music they listen to, art they like, and books they love. They may talk a little or a lot, but these are your breadcrumbs back to them when the talking gets harder.

Remind them that they have a soft place to land. Your words, gestures, and even your familiar home environment should send a message that your house is their safe place. If they ask you not to tell something to your mother, your best friend, or their siblings, honor that. Husbands are a whole other ballgame, but the point is that they need to know that you are the Fort Knox of trust.

Keep it conversational rather than confrontational. Eye contact can be great, but shouldn’t be mandatory. Some things are just hard to talk about. The car is a great place for this to happen . . . especially in the first fifteen minutes they descend upon you. We are often grateful to have two hands on a steering wheel and a windshield to stare through when the kids start dropping bombshells.

Erin: In my house, we have a loveseat that brings you together but makes eye contact impossible without awkward neck angles. It’s the perfect chair for talking. My kids will even ask to “take it the chair” sometimes.

Walking together and doing activities gets the conversation flowing.

Ellen: I have to remind myself of this constantly. I once asked my daughter to go on a hike and I learned more in that twenty minutes than a month’s worth of “How was your day?” I was longing for a flip chart though because the social hierarchy and nuisances she shared were more complicated than the lineage of the House of Windsor.

Be prepared for conversational shrapnel. Good conversation with teens means that you are sometimes going to get nailed with things you really didn’t want to know. You are likely to find out that sweet little kid who slept over at your house for five years straight is now a social media bully or worse. Just remember that “botox brow” we mentioned before or you are going be shut out faster than you can say, “Come again?”

Were you hoping for more of a step-by-step instead of an Ikea pamphlet? Here’s the thing, you’ve got this. No one knows or loves your kids better than you. Just remember to always put on your listening ears (and face) and you’ll be fine.

If you’re looking for more resources for a lifetime of conversations, the Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility has them. You can find all sorts of great ideas for starting and continuing talks with your kids. Check out this video from FAAR too. It’s a great place to start!