Tag Archives: drinking

What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Parenting Teens

Over the years we have shared a lot about the joys and pitfalls of parenting teens. We have compiled booklists to read before college and to keep on your bedside table and garnered advice about talking with your kids about sex, dating, and even medicine abuse. We have shared commandments and tips for how to survive.  When we needed it,  we even offered up some prayers. But we haven’t shared the rest of the story. It’s not that we are holding back on purpose, it’s just that parenting teens is a complicated endeavor. But because it’s long overdue, here’s some of what we don’t talk about when we talk about parenting teens.

The rest of the story about parenting teens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

1. It can be a lonely time for moms.

Oh, sigh, It really is all about us, isn’t it? Let’s just say this: it’s a whole lot easier commiserating over things like sippy cups taking over your kitchen and goldfish crumbs smashed into the carpet of your minivan than failed drivers’ tests and low SAT scores. Some of this stems from the truth that your child does not necessarily want you spilling all the details. Respecting your child as a person means that you could and should put a lid on it.

Some of it though comes from a desire to not be judged as a mom.  Different methods of handling potty-training or toddler meltdowns can be entertaining. Different methods of handling teen drinking can cause an uproar at Girls’ Night Out. In any case,  It’s the height of irony that at the moment when you probably need it most, moms can have a hard time finding support from their tribe. Heck, even finding time to get together with the busy schedules that accompany teen parenting can be challenging.  In any case, it can make traveling this stretch of the parenting highway a little lonesome.

The rest of the story about parenting teens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

All of these ladies are our buddies from our young mom days. It’s tough to find time to see each other but when we do, it’s like no time has passed.

2. You won’t always like your kid.

Love them? Of course! Like them? Well, let’s just say it’s complicated. Kids trying to figure out who they are means that often they are unrecognizable to you. The girl who ate twenty hot dogs at the county fair is now a vegan. But that’s not even the worst thing. The real sticking point comes when she decides to take down the family holiday meal. The 360s that happen can be disorienting, but they are also oddly comforting. There were parts of every stage and age of parenting that weren’t fun or funny. The same is true for the teen years.

The rest of the story about parenting teens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

But some things never change. Pumpkin patches are always fun.

3. You will feel like you are doing it wrong.

Just know that the moment is coming when you will feel bad about yourself, your kid, every decision up to this point, all of it, every last thing. These are the moments when you will lean into your loneliness from your friends, your sense of alienation from your child, and just need a major chocolate fix. Take that moment to exhale, breathe, regroup. You and your child will live to fight another day. More likely, tomorrow will be rainbows and sunshine, because that’s how things go on Planet Teen.

The rest of the story about parenting teens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

But they can also save the day, like at Grandmom’s 90th birthday party, and that will make you feel better about all of it. Promise.

4. Things will go wrong.

In the time I have been parenting teens, we have had concussions, car accidents, break-ups, break-outs, heartbreaks, and losses. Expect that balls will get dropped, mistakes will be made, and fenders will be dented. It makes it so much easier to take that phone call when it comes.  One of my favorite professors said that a great gift to give a child is a back door. Come up with graceful ways to help your child retreat from situations that get out of hand. Give yourself and your child grace when they do.

5. Things will go right.

The stars will align just so sometimes. At these moments, the grumpiness will recede and all those forgotten aspects of your child’s character will shine through. Forget everything that went wrong. Revel. A lot. Take a picture when you can.

The rest of the story about parenting teens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

The infamous New Year’s Day hike. Every last teen was not having it, but then the winds changed.

6. Sometimes you will like them so much it hurts.

They are going to be hard to take sometimes, but they are also going to blow your mind with hints of the amazing things to come. Because crowing from the rooftops about their awesomeness is frowned upon by said offspring, you might feel lonely in this knowledge. However enjoy your moment and spread the news surreptitiously. Recently, one of my friends commented about a teen playing kindly with her tween at a swim meet. She was surprised and impressed. While I was happy for her experience, I wasn’t as taken aback by it. I made the point that I have never NOT seen a teen be generous to a younger child they knew. Teens like to keep their goodness simmering below the surface of potential peer review, but there is so much good news to be found. Celebrate the small victories and point out all the good you see.

The rest of the story about parenting teens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

She did not have to ask them twice to play with her.

7. Sleep will be a luxury again.

Sure you are prepared to lose some zzzzs waiting up for driving teens or worrying about college, but you might not know how much. Adjusting your parenting to adolescent biorhythms means late night Netflix binging and baking chocolate chip cookies at eleven o’ clock at night. All of this is to say that being ready to drop everything and hang means that you might want to invest in some industrial strength under eye concealer too.

The rest of the story about parenting teens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Who could say no this face? Why, of course, I will make cookies with you after my bedtime!

8. Friends reign supreme.

Happy families know this. Happy families honor this. Happy teens reward your attention to this important truth.

The rest of the story about parenting teens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

As you can see, we weren’t really holding back so much as pacing ourselves to reveal the full picture of what it’s like parenting on Planet Teen. In spite of everything, we really are pretty happy here. We think you will be too.

-Erin

Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.

I Just Want to Be Perfect

You can follow us on Google+, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

 

Enter your email address: Delivered by FeedBurner

 


Share it real good . . .
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponShare on RedditEmail this to someonePrint this page

How to Survive and Thrive During the Teen Years

So you have a teenager or two? Welcome to Planet Teen!

No time to gripe about the rough landing here on Planet Teen, focus now on what’s coming before you get blindsided by the natives. We’ve been here about 25 minutes longer than you have, but due to the constant turnover that is Planet Teen, we’re qualified to share some of what we have learned here. We can provide newbies with some guidance, veterans with some commiseration, and decorated war heroes of multiple tours with high fives and the massive amounts of chocolate they deserve. Here are some things that will help you and your kids survive and thrive during the teen years.

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

 

1. The Smell

The atmosphere here is different: you can feel it in the air and probably smell it, too. Planet Teen pulses with electric, frantic energy and smells an awful lot like the inside of an Abercrombie and Fitch store. Except when the wind changes. Then it just smells like B.O.

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

This is especially pleasant on long car rides together.

2. The Shifting Terra Firma

The ground is a-shakin’ and a-shiftin’ here, people, and no expert in the world can predict when the quakes will hit.

Exhibit A:  “D” on a test? Wuteva. Missing headband? Total building-dropping, house-leveling, bridge-buckling quake. Some people may say that the teen year are hostile. We prefer to think of them more like a shifting, puzzling, exasperating landscape. The key to happiness here is to remember the rules to keep you and your kids moving in the right direction.

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

3. The Landscape

Not just “Hey there’s a shirt or six on the floor” messy, we’re talking stinky, nasty, smelly armpit of a place littered with dirty socks, muddy cleats, damp towels, skeletons of projects past, and snack wrappers. Even for the most roll-with-the-punches Mommas, Planet Teen’s littered landscape will threaten to break you. We have tips to help tame it, but be ready or be buried.

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

4. The Towels

Teendom is a cold, damp place for adults because the natives of Planet Teen line their lairs, formerly known as their rooms, with damp towels. Maybe the humidity is good for their skin. We have been here awhile and have no solution to this one. Sorry.

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

5. The Language Barrier

Teenagers compose fiction they dispense as fact as effortlessly as breathing. You would think only major events would warrant this level of creativity, but it starts slinging without rhyme or reason. Think of it as the mire to slog through every day to get to the real stories, no matter how boring. It might make you tired until you realize that the really wonderful whipped cream and cherry on top is their indignation when you suggest that their story might be two degrees south of complete BS. Best to bookmark some ways to communicate effectively with your kids about everything from sex to dating to alcohol. Channel you inner Dory and just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

It’s not all terrifying. There are positive things that come from big kid situations.

6. The Code.

On top of shifting landscapes, cold derrieres, and the language barrier, you are going to want to learn their secret codes and cryptic handshakes if you want even a remote handle on what they are thinking. This means you need to learn every last text acronym, read every last Tweet, check out every last Facebook update, and make a habit of scanning Instagram. We kid you not: the tribe is a-rumbling even when the natives look all tucked in and cherubic. That’s one reason that it’s pretty good idea to meet them where they are, like on Snapchat. It’s all about connecting with your kid.

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

7. The Disappearing Stuff

Hide your valuables, or at least your eyeliner and straightening iron. The natives here are like magpies. Oooh! Shiny pretty thing over here! Aaahh! Sparkly, fun thing over there. These things get whisked away, never to be seen again. More than a little infuriating, it also makes you feel like dementia is setting in early. But Thou shalt not flip out when your eyeliner disappears. It goes with the scarf she already “borrowed.”

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

8. The Stakes

At times, it feels like between the milestones like prom and graduation, the big adult stuff like driving, and the hazards like drinking that Planet teen wants to take you down.

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Well, buck up, and remember that for all the crazy, rocky, smelly, damp, silly and scary things rocking Planet Teen, you and your child are not adversaries, but fellow travelers trying to make it to the next stage with your sanity intact. This is temporary visa status, not a permanent residence, so bring a plucky attitude, a sense of humor, and don’t forget the chocolate. We’re all going to figure this out together, but we are going to need the fortification. And we’re off. . .

Best of luck and fist bumps as fellow travelers! 

Erin and Ellen

Got teens? What to expect and tips to help you parent through this stage of adolescence | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

The Sisterhood Secret: Cultivate a passive, non-judgmental face. One great piece of advice that works like a charm is the non-committal “huh” or ”um” as they relay the story.

 

Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.

I Just Want to Be Perfect

You can follow us on Google+, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

 

Enter your email address: Delivered by FeedBurner

 


Share it real good . . .
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponShare on RedditEmail this to someonePrint this page

Rules for the Mindful Parenting of Teens

Rules for the Mindful Parenting of Teens | Practical advice to help you on the wild roller coaster ride that is parenting teens. | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms “Here, Mom, sign this,” my 15 year old son said handing me a permission slip. We were all grabbing bags, lunches, gear for lacrosse, and keys. We were three seconds from being out the door, but my senses started tingling. Rule One of parenting teens: they like to leverage time, or lack of it, to slip under the radar. Calibrate your parenting alert system to activate immediately whenever they ask you to do anything with less than five minutes of wiggle room.

“Um, give me a minute. What is this?”

At this point, he actually started shaking the paper a little and whining about how it was time to leave. Rule Two of teen parenting: when they start leveraging your aging body, in this case, my eyesight, against you, take that system to full alert. I put down my bag and took the paper from his hands. This one is my third child. This is not my first rodeo. He does not want me to ask questions about this piece of paper.

At first glance, it was nothing. My son’s band is going to Disney. We have been signing waivers, permission slips, and checks for months. On the surface, nothing special. My alert system said to reread it. It said, “Something’s up with this paper. Put that other contact in, take another sip of coffee, and read between the lines.” As I was rereading the paper, my son actually grabbed my key, picked up all the bags, and started pushing open the front door.

Whoa.

Rule Three: teens have sloth-like tendencies that hinder them from unprovoked bursts of helpful labor. When they take action, kick that alert system up to Defcon One. In a state of high alert, I become the Rock of Gibraltar. I stood planted in place and read this paper again.

Oh.

Suddenly, all the subtle maneuvers and not-so-subtle ones made sense. This was the roommate form which laid out who would be rooming with my son, 1000 miles from home. There were three boys in his room, all upperclassmen, but one name stood out, a boy who had been busted on numerous occasions for drinking. My son knew this. He knew that I knew.

Rule Four of parenting teens: don’t back yourself or your kid into a corner. An immediate “no way in hell” would have shut down any conversation. More importantly, it wouldn’t have gotten me what I really wanted: the answer to the question “why are you putting yourself in this situation?”

“Put down the bags. Let’s talk. I’ll write you a note if you’re late.”

And we did talk then. And he was late to school. But I’m glad that we did. I heard how this situation played out. The older boys had asked him to be his roommate, so my freshman son, a little starstruck to be chosen, felt he couldn’t really say no. Also, the boy who had been in trouble is friendly, fun, and has a similar sense of humor to my son. My kid thought the arrangement would just make the trip more fun all around. At this my most exasperated Mom self thought, “ya think?” But Rule Five of parenting says to keep that exasperation to yourself to share with your husband later. I didn’t have time to waste; I had some heart breaking to do. Rule Six: when you have to lay down the hammer, do it gently, but mean it.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable with this.”

I laid out my reasons. Chief among them: if they were his roommates and they got into trouble, he would go down with them. He would have no safe space to retreat to. My son was surprisingly reasonable and changed his roommate group, but the next group he chose had similar issues, and we had a similar talk. At this point, my exasperated Mom self resurfaced, “Geez, child, this is what you are bringing me? Have you learned nothing?!” In the end, he will be rooming with a group that we both think will work for his fun level and my overall comfort level. However, I did make a huge neon mental note to self after this incident: this particular child makes decisions differently than his two older siblings. The good news is that we can talk and he can be reasoned with. The not-so-great news is that my parental alert system needed some important adjustments. To put it frankly,  I am at Mom Level “Watch Like a Hawk”  with this kid until he crosses that stage at graduation . . . from college.

I share this story, because contrary to so many other aspects of parenting multiple children, you can never coast when it comes to conversations about alcohol. Sure, with baby #3 you might have bought the cheap diapers, he might have potty-trained himself, and he definitely ate cheerios off the floor, but this is one arena in which you still need to bring your Momma Bear ‘A’ game every time to each and every kid. Follow up every funny feeling you might have and read every note for the fine print. With this particular subject, the stakes are too high.

I’ll leave you with this little anecdote which illustrates the larger point. Years ago, my husband Steve drew birthday party duty with my youngest. In addition to enduring the sugared up to the gills version of our son for this pool party, Steve was also going to have to get his parental chit-chat on. After talk of soccer teams and schoolwork subsided, one of the parents steered the conversation to more serious waters. He asked Steve how parenting a teen was different than a six year old.Steve threw this out: “Not different at all. I still do what I’ve always done. Trust but verify.”
Now, with three kids into the teen years I can say with all honesty that it’s as true a maxim as there ever was. We all want to trust our kids, we all want to think that our relationship with our kids is great, we all think that we know them so well, and we all want to believe that our kids would NEVER do something like drink or take crazy risks. Well, the very best, most involved parents I know understand that it’s not about them because kids make mistakes, kids get tripped up when cool upperclassmen pick them, and kids don’t always have the long view in mind when they are making decisions. So if nothing else, remember this: STAY VIGILANT, even if you’re on baby #17.  Keep your eyes wide open for trouble. Like my dad said when he was teaching me to drive, “It’s best to see the potholes ahead before they rip out your undercarriage.” I’m not saying there won’t be bumps in the road through teendom, but hopefully, by staying alert, you won’t be blindsided by them.

-Erin

This is a sponsored post for Ask, Listen, Learn, but this story is all our own.

This month is Alcohol Awareness Month, so be sure to check out

all the great resources over there for talking with your kids about this important topic.

 Follow us on Google+, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

Have every post delivered to your inbox! You can opt out at any time, but you won’t want to.

Enter your email address:

 

Share it real good . . .
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponShare on RedditEmail this to someonePrint this page