We all are looking for a village to help us raise our kids. For some of us lucky ones, we have a built in safety net of extended family that fill this role nicely. Unfortunately, they don’t always live around the corner like they did in generation’s past. But nurturing these relationships and unique family bonds is not just a worthy goal, but one that will make the parenting gig so much easier. Here are some great ways to help your kids build good friendships with their cousins.
1. Reunite.
Erin is blessed to have married into a family nearly as boisterous and fun as her own. Every summer Dymowskis harken from hills and dales far and wide to meet and eat and reconnect. The date on the calendar is sacred and everybody tries to make it. Yes, these gatherings are effort, but they are so worth it.
2. Play Games.
When cousins are far away, it’s nice to have a shared experience and language to speak. Enter the humble board game. Whether cousin bonding means week-long Monopoly games, endless card games (especially Sleeping Queens Card Game and Munchkin Deluxe), or board game extravaganzas, games help break the ice and bring the fun easily with cousins who may not have seen each other in over a year.
There may not be training for these events, but that doesn’t mean it’s not intense competition.
3. Create Traditions.
For both of our Maryland families, sharing a bushel of the crabs is a precious summer memory worthy of a trip to our ancestral home every summer. We get practically giddy with the happy, family vibes we are all imbibing . . . or that could be the beer that goes so well with the crabs. But Steve’s family takes it a step further: they give everyone an engraved mallet for Christmas the year they learn to pick their own crabs. Little gestures like these go a long way to cementing bonds.
4. Let them share pieces of your everyday life.
Cousins, even the ones that live 300 miles away, appreciate little peeks behind-the-scenes. Try to plan at least one visit where the places to visit are the ones you go to every day.
5. Share the big moments.
Baptisms, graduations, or even a real honest-to-goodness Pinterest wedding are the perfect time to celebrate the ties that bind you.
6. Try something new together.
Nothing brings cousins close like a shared new experience. Even silly activities will reign supreme and be remembered long after you have taken off that crazy hat.
A family that walks in a parade together stays together.
7. Use technology to bridge the miles.
We are so lucky to live in this age of technology. Whether talking through Skype, following each other on Instagram, Snapchat or other social media, or simply creating fun lasting memories of time spent together, leverage all that data for family fun at its finest. Growing up, Erin’s friend Mary taught her the delightful term “frousins” to describe the beautiful gift of cousins who are more than just family, but true friends as well. Here’s hoping we should all be so lucky!
Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.
This time last year, my family was altogether for a pretty big moment: my brother Jonathan asked his girlfriend Kelly to marry him. Almost immediately after all the hugs, high-fives, and champagne toasts, Steve pulled out his calculator and started crunching numbers. With my brother and Kelly living in San Diego, a cool 3,000 miles from us on the East Coast, we would be booking airfares and lodging times seven in our near future. Then things got interesting: they were doing a destination wedding in Cancun, Mexico. Yay! And, gulp! Now we weren’t just googling great fares, but how to get a crew our size to another country. The sad truth is that there is not that much help to be found on the internet if your group is more super-sized than travel-sized. Here are some of the things we learned about how to travel internationally with a large family.
1. Plan Ahead
Though this one has been drilled into us from a lifetime of trying to go, well, anywhere, getting a brood the size of a basketball team to a tropical destination meant we had to take our planning game to the next level.
Pace yourself. Free-wheeling, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants travel is for young adults and moms on the lam. We were making lists and checking them twice from about 10 minutes after we got the first text about the wheres and whens and we didn’t stop double-checking them until we landed safely back home.
One important part of this phase was thinking through the travel process itself. We made sure to download movies and podcasts and create playlists for everybody’s tech. Then we picked out books, magazines, snacks, and gum. We loaded backpacks with all of this and then threw in a deck of cards and some plain sketchbooks. Keeping the campers happy during the not-so-fun parts of travel was key to peace in our moveable kingdom.
Give yourself loads of time any time you try to go anywhere. Remember the “20-per-kid” rule. For every child you are trying to get out the door, you need to add at least 20 minutes to your “out the door” time. Somebody is sure to be faster, but that just gives you back precious minutes for your “slower than molasses but we love him anyway” child. Nothing destroys the memories you are trying to make faster than a screaming mother trying to get everyone out the door in time to meet a flight or dinner reservation.
Pay attention to the details. Like. . .
Passports Everybody needs one obviously BUT what if some of you already have one. We almost got punked with this one. Steve’s passport was set to expire about a month after our trip. While you can use your passport up to the date inside the cover, many countries will deny travelers entry if the passport expires in less than six months. Avoid unfortunate, uncomfortable, and expensive consequences and make sure you renew your passport at least nine months prior to the expiration date.
ALSO, and this is HUGE, find a small regional passport office (often a post office) that will let you schedule your appointment. Even though many passport offices will let you just walk in, these are not for you. Also, have all paperwork filled out, all necessary documents (birth certificates and social security cards), and bring the passport photos with you. We did ours at the local Walgreens. Yes, you can get them at the passport office but this slows the already slow process down to a stultifying crawl. Don’t break your people before you have even left native soil.
Fraud alerts. Steve works for a large bank and he has worked in fraud divisions before, so he clued us into the importance of this one. Let your credit card company’s fraud department know what countries you will be visiting and when including any countries you might be changing planes in. This way, they won’t flag your card as stolen and cut you off from funds just when you need them the most.
Flight restrictions We scoured the website to make sure we understood everything we needed to know about who could bring what, luggage sizes, etc.
No restrictions on taking pictures during flight. The ones my kids took during take-off and landing are among my favorites of the whole trip.
Be the early bird. For dinner, flights, tours, and just about anything, be ready to get that worm. Understand that your group is large, unwieldy, and largely unwelcome in the world of travel packages built for 4. Google and read travel reviews about what time to arrive and then plan on getting there at least thirty minutes beforethat. For flights, we were there an hour earlier than the recommended time (usually three hours, but at least two for international flights).
Be flexible. We met twenty of our relatives in Mexico for the wedding, so meal planning was complicated. We used What’s App to coordinate meals, beach time, and wedding to-dos. Our resort also had a great a la carte restaurant on site which was perfect for trying to get everyone together for meals that accommodated picky 7-year-olds and particular retirees alike.
Decide what you are doing about data. While checking out our cellphone plan to solve our “insane international data charges but Instagram-loving teens” dilemma, we discovered that our resort had a special app that could be downloaded to use social media without incurring international roaming charges.
BEST NEWS EVER!
2. Travel Light and SMART
Consolidate where you can. Despite the fancy clothes we would be bringing for the wedding, the rest of our clothing would be bathing suits, cover-ups, and clothes to go to dinner. This meant that we could pack the two youngest boys together in one suitcase, a worthy goal. Make “less is more” your vacation motto.
Plan on checking at least one bag. The idea of trying to fit all of our liquid needs to TSA standards was stressful. Because we were able to get us all into 2 rooms, we decided that we would bite the fees and check 2 bags, one for each room. This meant that each room would have all the big bottles of sunscreen, medications, and toiletries needed without having to worry about fluid ounces or special baggies.
Fly fancy. It’s just good travel advice in general to pay attention to the local customs about what is appropriate attire for dinner, visiting churches, holy places, etc. Our resort did not allow flip-flops or t-shirts at dinner which meant everyone needed at least one nice, closed toe shoe and a collared shirt. We made the decision to fly “dressed-up” so that our bags wouldn’t be as heavy.
We usually save the collared shirts and fancy hats for family parties.
Get the good luggage. Ellen knows the sad state of our luggage. As an intrepid traveler, she has many pieces of good luggage perfect for travel and she lent them to us. Good, rolling luggage and carry-ons make a huge difference when herding your cats through an airport or hotel lobby. We loved especially the underseat carry-on which was perfect for our 12-year-old. Roomy enough to fit all the clothes for him and his brother, it also meant I didn’t need to worry about him hitting any seatmates in the head as he tried to stow it overhead, or worse yet, worry about snagging overhead storage at all.
Pack smart. We had everybody pack and then take three things out of their bag. Except for the 8 year old who took out three pieces of underwear, this system was solid gold. Ellen also has a great tip that really saved space. We had a goal to only take 6 bags total. By checking 2 of them, we were down to only 4 bags going through the TSA line which was a huge help, especially considering that the college-aged kid forgot he had a water bottle in his backpack and was detained for a bit.
Protect travel documents. We made copies of all travel documents, then we gave all the actual passports to my husband Steve to distribute to each person right before they were needed. He immediately collected everything again after they were no longer immediately needed.
On the way to Mexico, the flight attendants didn’t give us our country entrance documents until we were disembarking, and the scene below ensued. On our way back, we got smart and asked for them while we were on the plane.
No, we aren’t a spectacle at all filling out our country entrance documents.
3. Honor your travelers.
Preserve bedtimes, routines, rituals. As much as you can obviously. All will benefit from happy, well-fed, well-rested kids. This even applies to older kids. Don’t plan a 9am museum visit knowing that punchy teens buck at the mere suggestion of being out the door that early.
When they are done, let them be. A lot of travel is overwhelming. Give them space and time to decompress.
Flower girl-ing and vacationing is a lot for a 7-year-old. This baby needs some pool time.
Let them do vacation their way.
We have teens and young adults, in addition to younger kids. We took the pretty pictures with my fancy DSLR, but I think I might love some of the ones my kids took of the trip even more. Let them show you the trip through their eyes.
Snapchat filters aren’t just for stateside fun anymore!
Make the experience of traveling part of the overall fun. Travel is great . . . and boring and confounding and frustrating too sometimes. We tried to make the parts that weren’t as much fun still interesting especially when we saw the troops fading.
Long lines getting into the country just meant there was time for cool photo opps.
AND one more piece of advice,
JUST DO IT!
We are ever so grateful not just that we were able to see my brother and his beautiful bride get married, but that we had the chance to create such a wonderful family memory. The truth is that despite all jokes to the contrary, all families are travel-sized. Don’t let your sheer volume deter you. Slow, steady, and steely-eyed will get you and your plentiful peeps over that finish line known as a great international family vacation.
Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that
showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.
It was an especially busy week last week. Winter concerts backed up to fall sports banquets (don’t even ask) which piled on top of all of our regularly scheduled things to create a perfect storm of frenzied activity that looks, even in hindsight, exhausting. So it’s no wonder that I almost forgot about the Christmas pageant altogether and even more believable that I nearly overlooked that it would in fact be our very last one too.
In our school, the kids participate in a Christmas pageant from preschool through third grade. This means, if you are a person who likes to keep count, that my family has been in a Christmas pageant every year for nearly forever. We have pinned more than our fair share of ears on our little stable animals, rehearsed lines, practiced songs, and eased stage fright worries. One of the gifts of a larger family is that we move more slowly through childhood. We don’t simply move on from some ages and stages like more economically sized broods. Life and logistics means that we get to stay here a little longer, that our big kids get to linger in little kid land an extra beat, that we get chance after chance after chance to straighten those robes and adjust those halos.
But our youngest son is in third grade now, so this year represents a chapter turning. He has worked himself up from the most reluctant angel to a fairly recalcitrant cow to a barely mumbling narrator to nab himself a primo role as the wiseman Caspar this year. On the one hand, I marvel that the boy finally fits that crown on his head, that he actually delivered his lines, that he sang his song so loud and clear. My heart swells, love grows, pride overflows. On the other hand, well, I miss that little bugger of an angel.
For me, this yearly ritual has been a bit like visiting a favorite vacation spot. We have measured ourselves against this familiar signpost for so long that leaving this Christmas pageant stage behind is going to be a bit of an adjustment. The tree can sparkle like Clark Griswold himself lit her up and the cookies can arrange themsleves in their pretty tins, but the season has not really begun until I see some angels squirming onstage and hear some off-key but earnest singing. This has been as important to my holiday heart as cookies or carols, uncomfortable chairs be damned. My heart has needed the messy, loud, uncontainable thing I witness at these performances to degrinchify it and get it back to the size it should be just in time for Christmas.
But I am going to have to find a new frame of reference, because this Christmas pageant ship has sailed. Lucky for me, I am getting really good at the whole bending, changing, and growing up thing. This time last year my oldest was a senior and getting ready for college. I wasn’t making resolutions because I was just hoping I could become the mom he needed me to be, the one that could let him go.
Now, my oldest son is home after finishing his first semester of college and we are all a little in awe that we are here. We are a new improved version of the “us” I have always known and loved, but we are all getting to now the new individuals we have become in our time apart. Moving beyond the Christmas pageant phase of our life is not the same as moving a kid out of the house, I know, but parts of it feel the same. Just like last year, I feel us all stepping forward into a brave new world.
Now we are no longer a “little kid” family. Toys R Us is not the mothership anymore. We are growing up from top to bottom, so I’ve decided to take my cues from the carol “Auld Lang Syne.” Not just a song about old friends, I like what it says about being graceful and open to the passage of time. I like the parts about moving into the future without denying the past. Sure there has to be a last Christmas pageant, just like there was a first, but there is no use fighting it or crying about it.
Auld Lang Syne. Time goes by. So it does and so do we right along with it. There is nothing to do but turn this chapter and wait eagerly for what is to come.
If you’re an Ellen, you are firmly in the “Have kids, will travel with a sweet neat vacation package built for 4”. If you’re an Erin, you’ll be strapping kids to the roof of the minivan, begging concierges for freebies and special room rates, and leaving luggage behind. Just kidding about all that, sort of. It’s not quite a Grapes of Wrath Joads-crossing-the-prairie situation, but the struggle is real. And Erin did leave behind luggage. She tells the story in our latest podcast.
While we are definitely gonna spend a decent amount of time talking about family size and how it colors our experience of motherhood, we will also talk a little about the challenges of raising a family with a large carbon footprint, how parenting morphs and changes, and about how every family flies its own flag.
We are having a great conversation over here. Just click the player at the bottom of the post and you can be part of it too!
Erin is blessed to have married into a family nearly as boisterous and fun as her own. Every summer Dymowskis harken from hills and dales far and wide to meet and eat and reconnect. The date on the calendar is sacred and everybody tries to make it. Yes, these gatherings are effort, but they are so worth it.
5. Share the big moments.
6. Try something new together.
Growing up, Erin’s friend Mary taught her the delightful term “frousins” to describe the beautiful gift of cousins who are more than just family, but true friends as well. Here’s hoping we should all be so lucky!
