Tag Archives: Friendship

Handy 5 Step Plan for Early Friend Drama

This week my friend sent up her bat signal on her Facebook page asking the rest of us for advice: her second grader was having trouble with friends at school during recess. Short of getting her own bad reputation on the playground, what should she do? Help me, friends of Facebook, you’re my only hope, she wrote. As a mom with a second grader again for the fifth time, I was good for more than getting not so subtle Star Wars references. I had been around this tree before and I could lay this one out for her pure and simple. Just call me Obi Wan Kenobi.

In my humble opinion, second grade can be one of the flash points for mean friend stuff, mostly because it’s a high point for any friend stuff up to this moment. Greater cognitive skills at this age means that our sweet nuggets are not only reading and writing better, but they are developing higher levels of discernment in other areas as well. This means that while your kid may be cultivating an adorable love of bugs like my girl did when she was this age or a funny fetish for all things Star Wars and Chima like my current seven year old, he or she may also be breaking hearts all over the playground.

From a developmental standpoint, the role of peers increases between 7 and 8, so second grade can be especially rough in the friendship arena. One of the most beautiful and important developments at this age is that of a best friend. It can also be one of the most tricky, especially when the tides turn as they are wont to do in the fickle years of early elementary school.  While one day your son may be picking out LEGOs to share with his “bestest” buddy, the next day he could be screaming ”You’re not my first best friend anymore.” So we, my own second grader and I, spend a LOT of time talking about handling crappy friend stuff and discussing what it means to be a friend. But we also have a handy dandy plan in place for helping with early friend drama.

Here’s what I shared with my friend and now I’m sharing it with all of you.

Handy 5 Step Plan for Early Friend Drama - As young children develop cognitively and emotionally, their friendships can become trickier. Here is a plan to help you and your child. |Parenting Advice| Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

In a nutshell, it’s a plan for working things out and it moves from handling it themselves to getting help.

1–Call them out.

I prompt my son to actually ask “Why did you say that or do that?” Usually the issue stops right here. This fall on the soccer field, Eddie’s friend from Scouts was playing on the other team. My son heard the boy say something mean about our team during the game. Afterwards, my son went up to say “Hi!” to his friend, but before we all went our separate ways, I heard him ask his friend why he’d said his mean comment. To his credit, the boy apologized right away.

2–Tell them how it makes you feel.

In my masters program, my wonderful child development professor emphasized time and again that besides actually understanding what is happening at each stage and age, the greatest gift we could give children is the ability to name and share their emotions. Teaching kids to say, “When you said this, I felt this way” sends a powerful message that emotions are important to relationships and need to be expressed and responded to appropriately.

3–Step away and play with somebody else.

Sometimes it’s just time to move on–not move on forever, but for right now. Let them know it’s okay to try something else. A little breathing room can be a beautiful thing for all parties involved. This is a subtle but sophisticated maneuver. There is no big talk or verbal showdown. No fits or pouting. It’s a simple change of plans: I was playing with you, but now I’m going to play over here.

4–Get help.

Kids need to really work the first three steps before they get others involved. First, they really, really need to learn to figure things out on their own. From a developmental standpoint, they know right from wrong so they need opportunities to practice exercising their good judgment. But also, tattling is a bad habit that makes you persona non grata with humans big and small. No time like in the very beginning to break this one habit and hard. But if they have tried and things are still somewhere south of sunny with their buddy,  they need to know that they can call on an adult or older kid to help out, especially when the situation has gotten physical or there is no safe way to talk it out.

5–Tell them you need a break from them and why.

I love a break when friends aren’t playing well, but at this point in the “interfriendtion” it’s important to spell out why. After trying everything else including getting adults involved, sometimes it’s just better to give the friendship a rest with a reason. Twenty-four hours may be all the time they need to gain a fresh perspective and be able to deal with each other as friends again. But the kicker is that it also gives time to think about why things didn’t go so well and talk it over with trusted adults before trying to play together again.

 Hope our handy guide restores peace in your universe and may the force be with you!

-Erin

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How A Concussion, A Tree, and A Trip to NYC Saved My Holiday Sanity

I struggled with that title a bit because we try to keep it PG around here, you know, for the children. Let’s just say this has been the season of “effits” for me. And it has saved my sanity this Christmas.

How A Concussion, A Tree, and A Trip to NYC Saved My Holiday Sanity -- A procrastinator is forced into reform! -- Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

It all started with the tree.  Wait, that’s not right. It all started right before Thanksgiving with the concussion my youngest daughter was gifted from an accidental punch to the head during handball in gym class. It was worse than at first perceived, and she had to be on complete stimulation lockdown: no music, no texting, NO SCREENS, no reading, no games, no puzzles, no nothing–except talking to her mother in a darkened room . . . and coloring. It was like the worst grounding ever for any thirteen-year-old, except my thirteen-year-old was about to turn fourteen. We had to reschedule her birthday party, too. The sadness was palpable.

This is how I entered Thanksgiving where I also had to make the entire dinner from soup to nuts, as Erin likes to say. Hallmark did not have a card to express my Grinch-esque holiday spirit because they apparently like to keep it PG, too.

But I wasn’t just feeling overwhelmed by worry for my injured daughter and the responsibility of orchestrating a glutinous meal; this was my second year without my mother. I look back on last year and marvel at the way I soldiered through the holidays. I must have been functioning on muscle memory because I was numb. Whereas last year I was wrapped in a muffling quilt of grief, this year I was acutely aware of every moment and nuance of her absence.

So with this curmudgeon essence coursing through my veins, I launched into the first of my effits: “It’s the weekend after Thanksgiving and we’re getting the tree.”

I know this does not seem like much of a stand. Many people decorate their trees that weekend–their ARTIFICIAL trees. But we get a real tree, and we like to keep it up until New Year’s . . . and we can’t be trusted to take it down on New Year’s. In a totally related side note, I have a history of scooping pine needles out of my family room with a snow shovel.

But my baby needed something to distract her from her canceled party, and picking out a Christmas tree at dusk seemed within the realms of non-stimulating activities.

How A Concussion, A Tree, and A Trip to NYC Saved My Holiday Sanity -- A procrastinator is forced into reform! -- Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

After that baby step of an effit, they continued to flow! I didn’t care what tree we picked out. We were together. Without my guidance it took forever. But whatever, we were grabbing some joy. When my oldest pointed out that half of our family unit was settling on a crooked tree with a bubble butt, I did not enter the fray. I mean, the thing only tipped over once while we were decorating it, but who cares because I was there to break the fall.  So behold our tree anchored to the wall with a “ledge” so large we nestled a papier-mâché cat on it to detract from it.  It really is the Kim Kardashian of trees.

How A Concussion, A Tree, and A Trip to NYC Saved My Holiday Sanity -- A procrastinator is forced into reform! -- Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

I really did miss an opportunity to set up a champagne fountain. At least the star is slowly sliding down to earth.

But besides pine needles embedded into my eardrum, I got this takeaway:

Sanity Saver #1: It doesn’t matter what the dead tree we are destined to mulch in four (or six) weeks looks like! Martha Stewart has always ignored declined my invitations to date anyway.

I took this calendar-defying decorating miracle one step further and decked the whole house! My first realization of how other (organized) people live hit me on the head like chestnuts flung by a mischievous Elf on the Shelf.

Sanity Saver #2: Decorating the house before December opens up that whole month to be jammed packed with all of the concerts, parties, baking, and fa la la-ing.

In the past, I had always wanted to have my youngest’s birthday party before decorating, because kids are destructive, yo. This led to me squeezing in the decorating when I could and sometimes left us tree-less into the third week. But she is now a teen, and all they do is hole up in the basement. From now on, decorating is taking place in November and partying is getting pushed into December. Thank you concussion for foiling my procrastination?

Then in true Christmas miracle fashion, a second procrastination buster entered my life in the form of a simple dinner invitation. A friend was flying in to visit family in New York City, and sent out a message asking if any locals could meet for dinner. I raised my hand! I am not local. I am three hours away from NYC. I said effit I am going anyway.

I could not turn my back on this happenstance because the invitation was for December 22nd, the time my mother would have come up to join in all of our Christmas preparations.

Sanity Saver #3: I have found the best way to grab joy over grief is to shake myself out of the groove that highlights Mom’s absence and surround myself with people who feed my soul. Friends are the family you choose.

One of my dear friends, who actually was local, offered to have me spend the night, and I had one of the loveliest evenings filled with good food, and even better laughter. Breaking bread with intelligent, interesting women is a gift.

How A Concussion, A Tree, and A Trip to NYC Saved My Holiday Sanity -- A procrastinator is forced into reform! -- Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Ah, but I had labeled this invitation as a procrastination buster too. In order for me to enjoy myself, I needed to have Christmas ready to go. In an unprecedented move, I had all of my shopping done and all of the gifts wrapped by December 21st.

Sanity Saver #4: Not leaving the wrapping until 10 pm on December 24th allows you to actually enjoy Christmas Eve and prevents zombie eyes in the Christmas morning pictures.

It’s not that I always wanted to wrap on Christmas Eve, it’s just that wrapping seemed like the task that could be pushed off until the end.

If this were a Christmas special, a Claymation snowman would come out to tie this up in a shiny bow, but I have to admit my ribbon is a little crumpled. I may have still had to stay up until 1:30 am on Christmas Eve because I was a little too cocky about having the wrapping done, and failed to gauge the time it would take to make the awesome Pumpkin French Toast Casserole I found on Pinterest.

However, I still don’t regret the time I spent snuggling with my family watching A Charlie Brown Christmas instead of clanking around in the kitchen. But I have seen the light because I now realize why organized people are so self-congratulatory. It feels good! God willing, I will rock the holidays even better next year. My family deserves a Stress-Diminished Ellen for Christmas.

-Ellen

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5 Things All Teen Girls Need

It’s back-to-school and we’re gathering all of the necessary supplies for a great year. It’s so much work to fill those carts, and really painful to empty those wallets, but that’s not where the prep ends.

With the start of school, calendars explode with activity and what’s important to the core of our girls’ lives can get lost in zooming from Point A to Point B while not forgetting to check off Item C and drop off Project D. Some of the most important things they’ll need for success aren’t things we can buy, but things we need to make room for in our lives and in theirs.

 

 5 Things All Teen Girls Need

 

Money can't buy these "Five Things All Teen Girls Need." #parenting - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

 

1. A Soft Place to Land

Middle school and high school can be rough to navigate–inhospitable even. Girl World especially has a complicated landscape where petty jealousies and miscommunications can wreak havoc and become all consuming.

Girls need to know that home is their safe place. Continuing rituals from their childhood that provide time to talk–like a regular mealtime or bedtime routine–means that girls know they already have a time scheduled for your attention and help. You are no longer reading them bedtime stories, but it’s reassuring for them to know they have time to tell their stories to you.

 

2. Time to Just Be

Girls love downtime. The mind and heart are wired for connections and these are born in the spaces in between band and volleyball practice and helping to decorate the gym for the Homecoming Dance. Acknowledging their inherent need for moments to relax and recharge will go miles towards helping them be their best, most authentic selves. Every minute is precious, but not every minute needs to be scheduled.

Every minute is precious, but not every minute needs to be scheduled. - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms - 5 Things All Teen Girls Need

 

3. Our Two Cents

We know the value of keeping our mouths shut. A lot of peace can be had in the Kingdom of Teens when we don’t comment or even raise an eyebrow at every little thing, but there are bigger issues where we need to model how to form an opinion or take a stand.

Strong women don’t hang out in the middle of the road, but steer their own course. Telling them how we feel about big events and small happenings lets them know us better and gets their minds working to help them learn about themselves.

 

4. Adventure

They sometimes groan and grumble when we show up with a paddle or a walking stick ready to take them on a trail or river, but once they are out there, they are just fine. Exercise and fresh air does wonders to clear the mind and boost self-esteem. Nothing provides a sense of accomplishment like jumping off that ledge, paddling against that current, or finding your way back from that trail.

5 Things All Teen Girls Need - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

 

5. Opportunities to Grow

Whether they are musical or artistic or athletic or academic, girls need a chance to try on different hats. Here’s the secret: Throw out the “or.” They don’t need to pick just one persona from the list or stick with that one choice forever. They need chances to see themselves differently and imagine different futures for themselves. They need the encouragement to try new things, embrace mistakes, and reject limiting labels.

To that end, we highly recommend the organization Girl Talk and its LeaderU Summit. Dedicated to helping girls develop leadership skills, Girl Talk is a a peer-to-peer mentoring program for high school and middle school girls. Founded by Haley Kilpatrick, Girl Talk wants to help teens build self-esteem, expand their leadership skills, and foster a heart for community service.

Our daughters were fortunate to be sent to the Summit by FAAR, The Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility. You can read what our girls wrote about their experience here. This probably goes without saying, but we’re pretty proud of their published work. All opinions expressed here and there are all our own and their own.

5 Things All Teen Girls Need #Parenting - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

 

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Lean In is So Last Year: The Real Lessons For Our Daughters

Last summer, Leaning In was the “new black” of attitudes and catchphrases. God bless Sheryl Sandberg for kicking over the proverbial corporate ladder–women are not limited to one straight shot to the top.

We girls are creative, we can forge our own path. Think of it like swinging from a jungle gym–there are different pathways and places to play for everyone. And the best part? You don’t have to be on the playground alone. According to Sandberg, the way to the top is with your sister girlfriends in hand, or in circles as she likes to put it.

Well, we saw the power of a posse play out on the runway of this summer’s BlogU Conference:

Leaning In and Leaning On Are Not Mutually Exclusive

Erin: Yeah, we brought out the bold for that sentiment.

Ellen: Although, now I kind of have the quippy sharks from Finding Nemo running through my head: “Fish are friends, not food.”

Erin: You know what? That works, too. You don’t have to devour another woman or bite a chunk out of her mojo to make yourself look better. As the idiom goes, “A rising tide lifts all boats.”

Ellen: And that is what the BlogU conference personified in spades . . . or oars or whatever will keep this metaphor going.

Erin: But don’t turn away, non-bloggers! These are NOT blogging truths. These are lessons that every woman needs: Collaboration is good  . . .

Ellen: And absolutely possible. As part of the BlogU faculty we were lucky enough to be in the test lab that proves women can work together without ego, manipulation, or power-gaming.

Erin: We saw it happen. With thirty-six women. I mean just look at us.

BlogU Faculty NickMom Prom

Okay, this is some of the women. We can collaborate, but darn it if we can be on time for a picture. You can see the full BlogU Faculty here.

 

Ellen: And behold . . .

Real Lessons For Our Daughters

Lean In is So Last Year: The Real Lessons for Our Daughters - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Some are silly, some are serious, but as we like to say, “Sensible and funny are not mutually exclusive.”

1. You can make your dream happen.

Lean In is So Last Year: The Real Lessons for Our Daughters - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Meredith from Mom of the Year (she did so much work!) and Stephanie from Binkies and Briefcases. (Photo by Motherhood, WTF?)

It’s great to dream, but action is what changes your life and the lives of those around you. Stephanie Giese from Binkies and Briefcases is the mastermind and owner of BlogU. She went from “You guys, I’ve always wanted to create a blog conference” to “I’ve booked us a space” to “Wow, that just happened” in less than a year. Many hours in between were spent herding cats. Yeah, we just referred to the lovelies above dressed in retro threads for the NickMom prom as unruly cats, but they know it’s true. Especially Karen Alpert from Baby Sideburns. See if you can pick her out in the picture above. Just give it a try. Oh heck, we’ll just lean in and help you out.

Lean In is So Last Year: The Real Lessons for Our Daughters - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Eye of the Tiger

 

2. Making dreams happen is a lot of work.

“That just happened,” doesn’t just happen. Planning, striving, and putting in the hours is required. Each of the women on our keynote panel has “made it” in the blogging/writing world, but they nakedly shared just how much work their successes required. It could be said that they had some breaks, but what they actually did was make their own luck. Then they put their noses to the grindstone to capitalize on it. They did not just dabble, they cannonballed into their dreams.

 

3. Buuuttt, there’s always room for silliness and fun.

You can be a powerhouse but still kick back and have a good time. Movers and shakers sometimes just have to, well, shake it. There is a definite confidence required to be  silly. Silliness is what lightens spirits and binds girlfriends together. It is what you can hold in your heart to get you through rougher times.

 

4. You can relive your youth.

But there will be one difference . . . you’ll be free from the apprehensions and turmoil of youth so it can be even better. There is nothing more attractive than confidence.

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms - Friends Let Friends Let The 80s Happen

Kelley from Kelley’s Break Room and Kerry from House TalkN are masters of transformation.

And if your prom dress still fits, it makes it even easier to relive the glory . . . or live something even better.

Lean In is So Last Year: The Real Lessons for Our Daughters - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Last century’s bad teen attitude boosted Janel from 649.133: Girls, the Care and Raising Of. to today’s prom queen.

 

5. Sometimes it is freeing to just be with the girls.

It feeds your soul to hang out with your girlfriends. And we’ll take that one step further with a secret that took us 20 odd years to realize: Prom is better without the guys. All you really want to do  is dance in a circle with your friends. NickMom was generous enough to give us our own prom where we made that happen. We love our husbands, don’t get us wrong, but a fun night out with the girls can be a very good thing.

Lean In is So Last Year: The Real Lessons for Our Daughters - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

The Faculty, Ellen dancing with Kelley from Kelley’s Break Room and Anna from My Life and Kids, and Amy from Funny is Family striking a pose.

 

6. Patting someone on the back is better than stabbing them there.

There is a whole lot of room at the top. Check out all the boys stretched out there enjoying themselves. If we want a Barcalounger there too, we need to help each other out and acknowledge the girls who are getting it done. Giving someone credit for her hard work does not diminish your accomplishments. And if she has what you want? Work for it! Save the petty jealousies for reality TV.

Lean In is So Last Year: The Real Lessons for Our Daughters - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

But “having your back” does not protect you from photobombs. Nor does it mean Erin gets help carrying heavy boxes when her friends are cutely dressed. There are limits. The crew: Anna from Random Handprints, Kerry from House TalkN, Karen from Baby Sideburns, Courtney from Our Small Moments, Anna from My Life and Kids, Jessica from Four Plus an Angel.

 

7. Get out of your comfort zone.

Sometimes we convince ourselves to think small, dream small, speak small. When you start out dreaming of going to the moon; don’t talk yourself out of it. Sure it can all be scary, but that’s why you hold hands before you jump.

Don't try this at home either.

So if your friend jumped off a bridge . . .

And never let yourself get too comfortable resting on your laurels. You are never too accomplished to accomplish something new. Keep leaping. Ilana from Mommy Shorts overcame her fear of public speaking at BlogU . . . and she enjoyed it. Prepare. Breathe. Leap.

She felt so

Ilana felt so freed she ditched her cocktail dress and borrowed this polyester dream. Refer to point #3.

 

And last but not least . . .

8. Cupcakes are exciting at any age.

And good girlfriends tell you when you have frosting on your face. Never, ever, never, sweet daughters, forgo an opportunity to have that cupcake, to take that break. Enjoy the sweetness and enjoy the laughs.

Cupcakes at BlogU

Erin and Toulouse and Tonic. Even ladies will tear into a good cupcake.

 

So thank you Sheryl Sandberg for getting us all riled up last summer. When we made it to BlogU this year, we saw for ourselves that leaning in and leaning on are not mutually exclusive. There’s nothing sweeter than the taste of success especially when you got there with your friends. That might be the only thing that trumps cupcakes.

-Erin and Ellen

 

 

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Mother’s Day Performance Review

Sometimes you are so busy in the month of May that the words don’t flow so you have to search for a little inspiration. Sometimes you have to turn that inspiration on its ear. Sometimes the whole exercise gets you more for Mother’s Day than you bargained for . . .

Mother's Day Performance Review

Erin: While tooling around the internet a while ago I came across this prompt: “Ten things I really like about myself.” I thought we should do it. It would be a positive and upbeat sort of blog post.

Ellen: Yeah, I’m all for Girl Power but I wasn’t quite so positive. I said, “I’m tired of talking about us.”

Erin: That is a weird attitude to have as a blogger, right?

Ellen: So I suggested, “Why don’t we ask our KIDS what they think is good about us?”

Erin: And I said, “You go first.”

Ellen: So that night as we were winding down and getting ready for bed, I asked my daughters, then thirteen and eleven years old, “What do you like about me?”

The calm evaporated and they charged up like someone had just changed their batteries. Apparently asking adolescents for their opinions about their parental unit can set off a three ring circus.

Erin: People like to give opinions, who knew?

Ellen: I pointed to my youngest, “You go first.”

She replied, “You buy us Cheez-its three boxes at a time.”

I sighed heavily. This was not going to be the “Hallmark Tribute to Mom” I was looking for. But I’m no quitter. I tried again. “But what do you like about ME, beyond what I buy for you? You know, the inner me?”

Without missing a beat, she said, “You have intestines.”

Erin: You have to admire her comedic timing. Badum-CHING.

Ellen: But my girl has a heart of gold so she threw me a real bone, “Your fashion sense isn’t embarrassing.”

Erin: It may sound like a backhanded compliment, but coming from an adolescent girl, that right there is like an Academy Award, a Nobel Prize, and an Olympic Gold all rolled into one.

Ellen: She went on to say, “You do doctor stuff like healing my wounds.”

I thought, “THIS is more like it.”

She proceeded, “You make great Tater Tot Casserole and you stay fit.”

I decided not to comment that these two things don’t even belong in the same sentence. I’m glad I kept my mouth shut because here’s what came next: “I like that you made me.”

I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t swell, BUT I also saw this as a perfect time to quit while I was ahead with her, so I turned to her sister, “You’re up.”

She left the gate galloping: “You’re able to persevere through anything.”

I was ready to leave it at that, but she thought for a moment and added, “You don’t get all uncomfortably up in my life. You’re also very creative with your blog.”

Erin: Okay, that sounded a little more teen-like, but extra points for the blog compliment.

Ellen: And she still wasn’t done. She further amazed me when she completely shed her cloak of teen self-absorption and asked me, “But what do you like about yourself, Mom?”

Well, well. I guess I was going to answer Erin’s prompt after all. So I said, “I like that I can pretty much do anything I put my mind to.”

And my oldest replied immediately, “Yeah, I can see that.” Her sister’s head bobbed in agreement.

Once again, wow. Validation was mine, reflected back to me by my daughters’ words. I thought, “This was a GREAT exercise!”

Erin: And after Ellen told me this story, I thought, “I want this in my life, I need this in my life.” Plus I have five kids who at the time ranged in ages from four to fourteen years old. I had a larger pool to draw from. My answers were going to be even better.

Let’s just say my first thought after my crew reported what they like about me was I understand why some animals eat their young.

To be fair, we were all sardined into the minivan on a multi-state, endless car trip when I turned off the DVD player and yelled over the ensuing din of protests, “So what do you think is great about me?”

Erin's family can pack a car.

Erin’s family can fill a minivan. To the brim. We really should start a collection to get them a Patridge Family bus.

Erin: It became deathly quiet. As in they were either heeding the age old advice “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” OR they were finally overcome by the smell of feet and stanky sports equipment.

You could hear crickets chirping.

Then, from the deep back bench, my oldest son, the one I labored with for twenty-seven hours with no drugs and gave me a grade four tear, said, “Well, you make great chocolate chip cookies.”

Ellen: He was fourteen after all. All boys think about is food.

Erin: I will never wear a two piece again because of that child and that’s all he’s got?

I started to say something, when Son Number Two piped up, “You’re a great baker. You make great chocolate chip cookies.”

I thought, “Okay, slacker, your brother just said that.” Such a middle child. The Brady Bunch Jan Syndrome is real, people.

Then my still sweet as pie eight year old boy chimed in with “Hmm, let me think . . . you make great chocolate chip cookies.”

Really, boys? Where’s the love?

Now, I know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and my cookies ARE damn fine, but where was my “Love Song to Mom”? Where was my “Ode to the Woman Who Gave Me Life”? Why did Ellen get unicorns and rainbows and I was left choking on stale cookie crumbs?

So I decided to be a little more instructive. I offered them some examples, sharing what Ellen’s girls had said.

NOW the girl child, who had just turned thirteen, was right with me. She was on board. “You’re a creative writer, a good friend to everyone, you stay fit, and have a good fashion sense. Oh, and you make really good chocolate chip cookies.”

Ellen: Hmmmmmm, that all sounds very familiar.

Erin: Note to self: Explain to her some of the finer points of plagiarism.

But there was still hope! My sweet baby boy had not answered yet. The one who considered me the most beautiful woman alive and still thought the world revolved around me could surely deliver the gem I was hoping for. And then this:

You are really good at yelling at Daddy.”

Well isn’t that the piece de resistance? I feel like I need a disclaimer here: WE WERE ON A CAR TRIP! I was driving.

Ellen: Why did you ask on a car trip?? A miserably long car trip? Timing is everything and yours was pitiful.

Erin: But seriously? Are you kidding me?? The whole carload of them thought they were a total hoot and raucous laughter ensued.

Ellen: They were pretty funny.

Erin: So to summarize, Ellen’s kids will be picking her tiara up from the jewelers any day now and MY kids want me in their own little sweatshop churning out the baked goods.

Ahhh, sweet motherhood.

Ahhh, sweet motherhood.

Ellen: There are no report cards, Mother’s Day performance reviews, or gold stars for parenthood, but you can always ask your kids how you’re doing.

Erin: We dare you!

 

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The Little Things That Are Really Big Things

Sometimes you need to advocate for big changes. Sometimes you can make a difference in small but important ways. Erin tells the story of her neighbor with autism and someone who made a difference. | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

When I was a new teacher, I had a professor who slashed grades with the enthusiasm of a Wal-Mart employee on markdown day. Her pet peeve: referring to our students by their diagnosis. If we forgot and referred to an “autistic student” or “an LD kid,” she would punish us with her weapon of choice: the red pen. I may have grumbled at her vehemence, but it did the trick. My students were forever forth children with dyslexia, children with emotional disturbances, children with autism. They were individuals first and foremost, never the sum of their disabilities.

It was a simple, subtle shift that made the difference for me as a teacher and I took that with me as I worked with families, advocated for students, and partnered with schools. I often had to lobby for big changes, profound commitments, and systemic, institutional shifts, especially in times of crisis. But I always honored that it’s the subtle nuances that turn the ship around, the moments of grace that beget small miracles. The story I am going to tell is one of those.

My neighbor Dylon is a teen with autism.  He is also obsessed with telephone poles. He knows every type of utility pole, their crossarms, their type of resistors, what utility companies work where. If he were on a car trip, he could point out which company services which area from Patapsco to Constellation all the way from Maryland to Florida. It’s safe to say that power poles are kind of his thing.

His dad Ron knows this: “When we are driving down any street, he will notice a new pole and he will whip his head around like he just saw Santa in a sleigh.” Yeah, we’ve got Minecraft, LEGO, and One Direction going on here, we get the obsessions. But while every kid can have a bit of a one track mind, it is a whole different ballgame in autism.

Autism brings other challenges as well. When Ron asks Dylon what he wants for Christmas or his birthday, Dylon will just repeat what he has gotten in the past. No original thoughts. No lengthy lists. No last minute addendums or post-scripts.

So the family has to get creative. Last year, Ron noticed some new utility poles going up in South Jersey, the biggest he had ever seen, so he drove the whole family up there as a surprise for Dylon. The picture of their three kids sitting on that utility pole was their Christmas card that year.

Christmas Card Perkins

This year, Ron wanted to score  some Delmarva Power gear for a Christmas present for Dylon. He had tried unsuccessfully a year ago to visit the plant itself. The PR person there said there was no program for a tour like that even though they really just wanted ten minutes to look around. Ron thought his idea this year was so much simpler–a pen, a mug, a coaster, anything–and he just knew how much Dylon would love it, so he started emailing people. He received no response. Like not a single one.

So he decided to hit the pavement and make a visit or three. Every stop had the same pattern. Ron would usually meet a perfectly nice customer service rep who would refer him to a supervisor who would promptly dismiss him and show him on his way. Empty-handed. No premium items. Nada. Nothing. Each stop. Same story.

At the third location, things looked like they were shaping up to go the same way as before. But this time was different. There was a subtle change. This ship was turning around. This time the customer service rep didn’t bother looking for a supervisor. This woman listened to Ron tell his story of what he wanted for his son for Christmas and then promptly walked away.

But she came back quickly with a canvas bag with the company logo on it and started filling it up . . . with items from her workspace. Pens, desk items, notepads—any number of fully emblazoned ephemera made its way into the bag. This was a small miracle in and of itself, but then her neighboring coworker saw what was happening and started emptying out her desk area too. The bag was getting mighty big.

delmarva

But it’s the little things. In the midst of all this generosity, the co-worker added a die-cast lift power truck replica that had been sitting on her desk for years. Who knows why she added it in with all the other items, but she did. Maybe she was moved by Ron’s determination, maybe she was touched by the Christmas spirit, or maybe she had her own obsessed kid at home and she really was able to see Dylon as just any other kid. Maybe, but it doesn’t really matter. Dylon carries that truck up to bed every night and back downstairs every morning.

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This month is Autism Awareness Month. 1 in 68 children has an autism diagnosis. We are all shooting for the big goal of course: no more autism, but this year maybe we shoot for something else as well. Maybe we keep our eyes open to the dads trying to do something special for their kid, maybe we support the families living with autism every day, maybe we see the kids first and their diagnoses second. I believe in the power of red pens, die-cast trucks, and open hearts to change the world. I hope you do too.

Erin

Be the Change You Want to See in the World.

 -Gandhi               

*I wrote two other posts about Dylon and his family here and here.

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She is Not Your Yardstick

There is no shortage of judgment on the internet.

Erin:  It’s like End of Days.

Ellen: You’ve watched the fights . . .

Erin: Munching along on your popcorn.

Ellen: Brawls are a dime a dozen between Work-at-Home Mothers Who Macramé Diapers and Stay-at-Home Moms Who Milk Their Own Soybeans.

Erin: And there is no shortage of rants about all of the judgment. We even got a little uppity ourselves with all of the Judgy McJudge-A-Lots when we published “Mommy Wars: You Are Not Cherishing Correctly.”

Ellen: But this is not going to be one of those rants.

Erin: This is going to be more of an urging for everyone to just be happy to swim in her own lane, as it were.

Ellen: A pleading to stop making yourself crazy by comparing yourself to another woman. You don’t deserve to be judged, but SHE doesn’t deserve to be your yardstick.

She Is Not Your Yardstick

Erin: We get that Malibu Mommy and her Barbie dream baby carrier can make you feel a little frumpier than your usual Tuesday.

Ellen: We really do. I can picture the scene. You’re sitting there in your Baby Olympians of the Future class when Ms. Malibu walks in with her freshly washed ponytail swinging and nary a bodily fluid crusting on her yoga pants.

Erin: Basically, she’s just rocking the level of cleanliness that passes for normal in the general population, but is akin to putting on airs in the land of New Motherhood.

Ellen: But your hackles rise. “Who does she think she is trotting in all fresh faced to make ME feel bad about myself? I was up all night with a screaming infant. I’m lucky to have pants on, let alone worry about them being clean.”

Erin: But is she really your problem? Maybe Ms. Malibu doesn’t deserve the hounds of hate unleashed upon her, no matter how much she looks like a walking Pinterest board.

Ellen: Maybe she doesn’t deserve to be your yardstick because the truth is we are all just wobbling. We’re all just doing our best to stay upright, to keep moving, and to be happy.

Erin: What you’re seeing of that woman’s life is just the tip of the iceberg. You can’t judge for good or ill by the cute little handbag.

Ellen: Judging someone for looking good is just as bad as giving them the stink eye for handing out non-organic fruit roll-ups. Appearances of having your act together don’t always mean you actually have it together.

Erin:  I know this. When my fourth son was a year old, he was outfitted with glasses for his very poor eyesight. Then his eyesight kept deteriorating for no apparent reason. We were worried, the doctors were confounded, and scary words and tests were filling up my formerly open schedule. My life with four small children and a husband working full time, attending school part-time, and traveling every other week was quickly spiraling out of control.

My life was a wreck and I was headed towards the ledge. I couldn’t take even one sweet inquiry into how things were going without losing it, so I decided to deflect all attention. If I looked like I was okay, maybe people would stop asking. I used a gift card to get the best haircut I had ever had as a new mom, bought some new, CLEAN Gap t-shirts, and headed out to parks, libraries, and playgrounds looking if not like a supermodel, at least like a reasonably competent and together Mom. He’s fine now, but it was a rocky time for sure.

Ellen: The point is that most moms are out there doing the job: making meals, wiping noses, checking homework, and holding the family together.

Erin: And we all have things that make that hard. Whether it’s a present hurt that wounds us or a past that wears us down, we all have a finite number of straws until the proverbial broken back. We all are just wobbling, although there are times we look steady.

Ellen: I’m having a heck of a wobble as I make it through this year of firsts without my mother. Catch me on a good day and I look like Suzie-Has-Her-Shizz-Together. Sometimes, remembering to shower is an accomplishment. I can be judged on both sides of the coin. Yay me.

Erin: So the next time we want to tear Ms. Perky Buns a new one, maybe we should pause for a second. She may be using exercise to stave off depression or she may live in fear because her father died of a heart attack at the age of forty-two.

Ellen: Or maybe she is just allowed to be fit without you having a reaction to it. Unless the “she” is Maria Kang, because yeah, she IS trying to make you feel bad.

Erin: But in general, we need to acknowledge that all moms are doing what they can for their kids and let go of the anger, resentment, and judgment. Sure, you might think Miss Mani-Pedi might benefit from a taking down once in a while, but she didn’t ask to be your yardstick. Maybe you should ask her how she finds the time. She might just offer to babysit your kids while you get your own pampering.

Ellen: So toss those yardsticks away because really, you’re judging yourself when you get wrapped up in all of the comparisons. Treat yourself with the kindness you deserve and direct your wrath towards something worthy, like those damn over-the-top bento box lunches.

Erin: She kids. Maybe.

This is food. People spend hours making this to have their kids throw it on the floor. Pinterest Source

This is food. We think.
Pinterest Source

 

-Ellen and Erin

 

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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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Picky Eaters are the Worst and Other Secrets of Friendship

Ellen here. People frequently ask us how we blog together and our reply is that our friendship just makes it work. Not the most helpful answer if you’re trying to find the secret to creating a blogging partnership, but people generally nod their heads. And people who know us really think they have us pegged. They think that Erin’s “happy-go-lucky-ness” balances out my “fly-off-the-handle-ness.”

It’s a lie.

Erin: Lie just seems so ugly. I know I have a tendency to lose the big picture and spazz over the details, but I keep that to myself. And to you and Steve. And to my sister. BUT, to the world, I am still waters.  And I AM easy-going.

Ellen: Are you now? One word: food.

Erin: I don’t even know where you are going with this. I like everything.

Ellen: Do you now? I was hoping you would just ‘fess up, but you’re forcing my hand. Okay then: cantaloupe.

Erin: Blaaaahhhh! Cantaloupe is so disgusting. It’s the texture. It’s slimy and . . . you know what? I am allowed to not like cantaloupe.

Ellen: I would agree, except you like honeydew and kiwi. If texture is the issue, they are all the same.

Erin: THEY ARE NOT! And don’t you talk about kiwi like that. I love it! My kids do say it’s like eating gelatinous boogers, but I love, love, love it! Every part is fantastic: the sour, the crunch of the seeds. It does something to my cheeks. It makes them feel all happy and fuzzy. I’m feeling it now just thinking about it. Kiwis are nature’s Sour Patch Kids.
Kiwi on Make A Gif

“I love what kiwis do to my cheeks!”

 

Ellen: Once again, you Erin-ed it up so no one is going to realize what a princess you are.

Erin: You’re mean.

Ellen: You make me mean. It’s your fault. You’re all bubbly, but maddeningly inconsistent.

Erin: That’s okay because you make up for your meanness with moments of kindness, kind of like a kiwi.

Ellen: I don’t know what that even means. Moving on: tomatoes.

Erin: I LOVE tomatoes. Mmmmm, summer tomatoes. I can eat a whole one as a snack with just a little bit of salt and pepper sprinkled on it.

Ellen: But your love has prejudice and conditions. What about cherry tomatoes?

Erin: Yeah, I don’t like the texture; once again slimy.

Ellen: No, they’re not. They’re crunchy.

Erin: Yeah, I do feel like I should like them so I try them every time.

Ellen: No you don’t! You just push them to the side of the plate without ever taking even a nibble. Which brings me to your next quirk: leaving your rejects for others to deal with.

Erin: I just feel bad about throwing food away.

Ellen: But you don’t feel bad about other people butlering away your scraps after they have congealed for a minute or fifty?

Erin: You know, I am the worst with cereal. I LOVE cereal. In fact when I first met Steve, I hopped up on his counter, picked up a whole box of his cereal, and dug in up to my elbow for that crunchy goodness–

Ellen: Which reminds me about your problem with boundaries, too.

Erin: I know. I wasn’t even his girlfriend yet. But I was just giving an example of how much I love cereal because here is the twist. If it has more than a tablespoon of milk splashed on it, it is dead to me. I will abandon that bowl in a heartbeat . . . and now that I think about it, I leave it for someone else to clean up.

Ellen: I feel like you’re growing and learning before my very eyes.

Erin: Oh yeah, and then there are eggs. I LOVE scrambled eggs, but they have to be fluffy. There can’t be any big chunks of scramble.

Ellen: You can squish down the chunks with your fork.

Erin: No you can’t! It does not change the texture. I have rejected perfectly good breakfast sandwiches lovingly prepared by my husband because of scramble chunks.

Ellen: Okay, while you don’t rule the land of high maintenance, you certainly don’t deserve the crown of easy-going.

Erin: Oh come on. There must be foods you don’t like.

Ellen: I don’t like curry, but not to be a brat, that is a pretty common food to dislike.

Erin: I LOVE curry. And coconut.

Ellen: Those are two commonly hated foods, and coconut because of its texture. You’re an enigma wrapped up in a tortilla. My only point is YOU’RE NOT THAT EASY-GOING. You just hide it well. And I’m here so you don’t believe your own hype. That never goes well. Just look at Justin Beiber.

Erin: You ARE nice like a kiwi. I’m going to choose to look at this as tough love. I do tend to get wrapped up in the small stuff when I get overwhelmed. And then I tend to start freaking out on the inside, but shellacking it with a happy face on the outside. It’s always so much better when I reveal the panic to you. You handle triage like a mofo.

Ellen: You know what I say, “If there’s no blood hitting floor, is there really a reason to panic?” I just tend to have a very short ramp leading up to irritation which leads to my fly-off-the-handle reputation. I had a friend once say that I am the worst at suffering fools.

Erin: That’s okay because I am the worst at suffering cantaloupe.

And that’s how this blogging/friendship thing works, folks. We balance each other out . . . and when that doesn’t work we rat each other out on the internet.

Picky Eaters Are the Worst and Other Secrets of Friendship. Humor makes every relationship better. - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

-Ellen and Erin

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We Get Along Like Cats and Dogs

The world loves a dynamic duo—think Lucy and Ethel, Laverne and Shirley, Thelma and Louise—but we are a bit unique in the blogosphere being a writing duo and all. Our work divisions, our idea generation, our everything seems to flow organically from our actual friendship. In other words, there is not a concrete division of labor, but things seem to kind of naturally flow from our real-life conversations and adventures.

We say to people who ask “how we do it” that we could never blog with anyone else. Our advice would be to pick your best, most honest, generous friend and hope with all your might that she is also a great writer. It’s lightning in a bottle over here, although we do have a mission statement. The truth of the matter is that while we share many similar interests and always have a good time together, we are definitely coming at life and blogging from different perspectives.

Erin: But we did write that one piece where we described our writing process like it was a volleyball game. We may have been overdosing on the Olympics a little at the time, but overall,  it felt pretty accurate.

Ellen: If, by accurate, you mean we were delusional when we compared ourselves to Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings, then I agree.

Erin: We weren’t claiming their abs, just their teamwork.

Ellen: But the truth is that we are probably a little more Garfield and Odie than May-Trainer and Jennings.

That’s why we can honestly say that  . . .

We Get Along Like Cats and Dogs How A Blog Partnership Works

Point #1: Stroking

Erin: Ellen is the quintessential cat. Independent, intelligent, and not easy to pin down,  Ellen has integrity. You have to earn her trust and respect and there is no way she could be bribed for a treat or even, say, a tweet.

Last week Ellen got retweeted by P!nk. THE P!nk. As in that exclamation point is not a typo because we are talking about the freakin’ for real P!NK! which is a pretty big deal. She was excited for sure, but if it had been me, I would have thrown a ticker tape parade and bought some balloons.

Pink Retweet

O.M.GEEEEEEEE! This even impressed my 15 year old, not my 13 year old, but 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

Ellen: Oh, really. I do believe you greeted me by saying, “Hey, I saw your Twitter thing.” Meanwhile, yesterday, you got retweeted by two regular citizens and you called me up, “I’m so proud of myself!! I’ve gotten back in the Twitter game and I got two, TWO, of my quips retweeted! How cool is that!?” My tweet is still going round and round Twitterland thanks to P!nk’s 21 MILLION rabid followers and you want a bacon treat for being broadcast to 80 extra people.

Erin: Down, girl. I feel like I should throw you some catnip.

Ellen: On the other hand, you are, without a doubt, the dog. Loyal, friendly, and playful, you are every bit a girl’s best friend as long as I make sure to stick to a stroking schedule. I collect things to say like “Good Erin,” “That’s a great job,” and “Aren’t you the best little blogger in the world for not breaking the site when you added that plug-in?” to toss out twenty times a day.

Erin:  When have I ever added a plug-in?

Ellen: All I am saying is that you like a good ham bone and to have your belly scratched.

Point #2: Enthusiasm

Ellen: One of your frequent mannerisms is begging like a dog when you get excited. You literally (yes, I AM using this word 100% accurately) say “Paws up!”  when you get excited about something. I practically have to carry around Scooby snacks for you.

erin puppy

Photo not staged. AT. ALL.

Erin:  That’s really okay, Team Cat. I’ve gotten used to the classic Ellen  “I know it was awesome, I don’t need your congratulations.”

Ellen: I’m going to give you a slow blink on that one and a flick of my . . . tail and move on.

Point #3: We Gave Birth to Our Own Kind

Erin: You know how people say having a puppy is like having a baby? Well, in my case, the reverse is true too. My kids are constantly tugging on me, bumping up against me, and hanging off me—and that is just the teens.  My litter may all technically be housebroken, but you cannot leave them unattended for too long or the whole place goes to the dogs if you get my not-too-subtle drift.  As the proverbial Queen of this Puppy Pound, I feel like I am stockpiling balls and treats just to keep these puppies happy.

Ellen: And my girls are just like me. Basically, they come around for me to feed them, then they go about their business. They’re purrr-fect. The example that proves the rule: My 15 year old just made All County Orchestra.  I had to specifically ask her if she had heard any results. Her reply?

“Yeah, I found out last week. I made it.” Then she sauntered away. Tail flick explicitly implied.

Ultimately, our particular brand of blog magic comes because we complement each other. We were never yin and yang or Oscar and Felix, but were, and still remain, a Tom and Jerry for the new millennium. Erin brings an energy and enthusiasm that is hard to deny or contain (it’s better to just ride that wave, honestly) while Ellen keeps it real and keeps us on track (you really do want her in your getaway car, the girl has mad skills).

And then there’s that other special ingredient that makes it extra fun AND extra special: the fact that we are great friends who love and care for our kids, our friends, our little ole blog, and each other.

Erin: Woof.

Ellen: Meow back at ya.

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