You know how foals basically drop out of the womb trotting? Wouldn’t it be great if human babies had some self-sufficiency like that? Minus the hoofs, of course. Instead, they are helpless lumps who train us parents from early on to take care of all of their needs . . . and it’s hard to stop. We’re conditioned to swoop in even when diapers are a distant memory and the “needs” at hand are that they NEED to turn in their blasted math homework on time.
Even if you’re bound and determined to not be a helicopter parent, it’s hard to know just how to back off. They needed your homework checking/grade tracking/assignment monitoring ways in early elementary school, but as they approach middle school it’s time to give them the tools to manage their schoolwork on their own.
Think of teaching responsibility the same way you would teach your child to ride a bike. It’s a rare kid who can go from tricycle to bicycle without some training wheels in between. Teaching them to be self-sufficient with assignments works the same way. There are going to be some particularly hard knocks if you expect your child to go from hand-holding to “you’re on your own!” in one great leap. It’s going to be dicey at times, regardless.
Erin has four sons and one daughter and Ellen has two daughters. With the experience earned from parenting seven kids between us, we have developed some tools–training wheels, if you will–your child can use to monitor their own tasks and schoolwork without you slipping into the role of nag. If you have to remind them to do their work, they are not really taking responsibility, but if you teach them how to remind themselves, they have a valuable skill for life.
Training Wheels for Responsibility
Ellen’s Focus for Five
In my house, with my two daughters, much time is spent in front of the bathroom mirror, so when they began middle school, that is where we posted our “Focus for Five” reminder sign. This was their visual cue to take five minutes to think about their day. A pad of sticky notes rested on the counter so my girls could jot down reminders as they thought of them to stick them on the mirror or place in their planners as needed.
- What do I have to take today?
- What do I have to turn in today?
- What do I have to do today?
- What do I have to get today?
- What dates and deadlines do I need to share today?
Click to print the Focus for Five PDF.
Number five is essential to this training wheel program. It was and is their job to inform me of deadlines instead of the other way around. Them reporting to me keeps things from (mostly) slipping through the cracks.
Bonus: By giving the system a name, I only have to ask, “Did you focus for five?” at the breakfast table to make sure they did not forget their forgetfulness prevention tool.
Erin’s Backpack Tags
I have five kids–four sons and one daughter–so in my house, if everyone put sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, we would no longer have a mirror. We took a more personalized approach: luggage tag-sized reminders on each of the backpacks. I made checklists on 3 x 5 index cards, covered them with an adhesive laminating sheet, punched holes through the tops, and attached one to each backpack with simple loose leaf binder rings. We started this with my oldest son when he was in elementary school. He was a bit of a distract-a-bat, so I started the tags with things like “Do I have a pencil? My homework? My folder? Did I turn everything in? Did I give Mom papers to sign?”
This is a system that easily grows with your kids. As we progressed through the years, we added things like “Did I remember my recorder? My gym bag? My cleats?” I just made a new list each time. Easy-peasy.
And there is a super duper parenting bonus! Did you notice that both of these techniques encourages your children to talk to you about their days? That is a great habit to instill as you approach the teen years.
By turning over their planners to them, you are empowering them with your trust, building their confidence, and communicating that they are in charge of their own accomplishments. Since life skills are not compartmentalized, this is going to serve them, and you, well when they are faced with tough choices such as lying, cheating, or drinking alcohol. Studies show confident kids are resilient kids who avoid risky behaviors.
Erin’s oldest son is a freshman in college and Ellen’s oldest is a high school senior. Our children went from scattered disasters to assignment managing, grade tracking, college applying, (mostly) deadline meeting young adults. We’re happy to say the rest of our broods are falling in line using these techniques too.
What “training wheels for responsibility” have you used in your home?
Ellen and Erin
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