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Breaking Up with iPhone Like It’s a Bad Boyfriend

Breaking Up With iPhone Like It's a Bad Boyfriend | When technology is no longer working for you, it's time to forget the good times and just say good-bye. With humor of course. |Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

On this episode of As the Technology Turns, Erin has come to an important decision . . .

Erin: I did it! You’ve been badgering me, and at times I resented you for it, but now I can see the truth, and, well, I DID IT!

Ellen: I think I speak for all of us. What?

Erin: It’s just that I finally decided to break up with iPhone. It took me a while to come around, but I’ve finally seen the light. I was dependent and trusting, but all iPhone did was toy with me and make me jump through hoops; all while I forked over my money to support it.

Ellen: Hallelujah and pass the Cheezits! it’s about time! I usually take the high road and refrain from trashing old boyfriends immediately, but you know I’ve got no love for Apple, so I’ll just say iPhone SUCKED!

And this isn’t just me wrapped in my granny shawl shaking my cane. About three weeks ago, I was in the Apple Store to get my daughter’s broken screen replaced. A screen that had broken from a two foot fall, and despite a case. All I wanted to do was give them $129 to fix the screen. What I got was a “genius” locking me out of my AppleID account, sitting on hold with Apple customer service WHILE I WAS ACTUALLY IN THE STORE, and ultimately leaving with my broken screen.

Erin: Things didn’t go much better for me because I have to tell you that the break-up is going about 4,050 degrees south of fine. Of course, I did throw out an”it’s not me, it’s you,” but I couldn’t have anticipated the height the hackles would be raised. Apple didn’t take the news of my leaving well.

Ellen: You should have anticipated it from all of my rantings! Apple is a cult and iPhone is its brainwashing megalomaniac leader. Anything Apple and iPhone can do, PC and Android can do for cheaper . . . and with more expandable memory.

Erin: But you have to understand. Until earlier this month. I had been living the life of fast internet and seamless cell service. Modern motherhood requires decent communication between the mobile mom unit and her minions and my iPhone 4S was making it happen.

Ellen: Except when it would drop calls, freeze texts, and shut down without warning. You just adapted to its bad boy ways without even knowing you were doing it.

Erin: Okay, Miss Thang, I DID come to my senses. You miss the good life when it’s gone, especially when it’s leaving is so, so ugly.  Anybody with even one carpool to manage knows that phone malfunctions are a recipe for disaster. In the case of the multi-directional dynamic Dymowskis, it almost brought down our whole enterprise. I was becoming persona non grata in the neighborhood for missing important calls and texts.

Ellen: You and your “persona non grata.” What you were doing was morphing into a primo pariah, and, more importantly, you were pissing me off, too. You’re a wee bit communication challenged with a working phone, so this was getting ridiculous.

Erin: I could see the writing on the wall for this relationship, but I just didn’t want to give up. I couldn’t admit that my trusty sidekick was not so trusty anymore! Never!

Ellen: Trusty? For products that are so “bug free,” there sure are a lot of people flooding the store to get their problems solved.

Erin: I couldn’t help it, I started making excuses for my phone’s bad behavior. It had an old battery; it had been ages since I had given it a hard reboot; I hadn’t cleaned the screen in forever–it probably just needed a little TLC.

Ellen: So does the Apple Store serve red Kool-Aid to its members?

Erin: Listen, we had been together almost three years, my little 4S and me, and I wasn’t looking to upgrade. For one thing, moving up would mean moving to a new charger. I know it seems inconsequential, but the 10 chargers lying around my house would all immediately be rendered useless to me. And for another thing, I wasn’t feeling any special love for the 4S’s shinier, fancier brothers.

Ellen: Just more evidence of The Man “upgrading” models for no reason. Oh wait, there is a reason. So that you will be left with useless junk, and have to throw more money at his feet. You know Androids charge with a universal USB, right? The same kind of USB you can buy in Walgreens for five bucks?

Erin: Apple does bring out a side in you, but you’re right. Apple’s first evil move was to immediately take the 4S replacement option off the table completely.

Ellen: Immediately? Oh, you just wait a minute! You’re already looking at the past with rose-colored glasses. They first told you to bring in your 4S and leave it overnight so they could “see what they could do.” Mind games! They were inconveniencing you because they knew by your second trip to their Ring of Hell store, you would just cave and upgrade when they “tsked, tsked” and told you,”Sorry, but there is nothing we can do.”

Erin: Yeah, Apple was practically forcing my hand into a union with the 5S or 6, neither of which was looking like anything special. So I defiantly threw my Solo cup of Kool- Aid to the floor and started poking around comparing phones.

Ellen: I have never been more proud. You HAVE finally seen the light.

Erin: Oh, but this is where things took a dark turn. The LG G3 was emerging as the clear winner across the board and, as a bonus, it came with a free tablet. I knew I needed to leave iPhone behind, but when I told the Verizon worker that I was contemplating the move, something snapped behind his baby blues. He actually looked a little panicked and afraid.

Ellen: No one leaves the cult! It’s the only explanation for why people turn a blind eye to screens that shatter from the force of a butterfly’s fart. Jeez people, there is an entire industry dedicated to FIXING BROKEN APPLE SCREENS.

Sorry, I got a little more riled up. So did he bring in the “muscle” to convince you to stay?

Erin: Practically. Apple actually held my iMessages hostage. A last ditch effort to get me to see the error of my ways, and apparently it happens all the time.

Ellen: Hostages and cults go together like iPhones and cracked screens. Just sayin’.

Erin: But the worst was when I went home and looked my Mac and iPad in their retina displays and said,”I have a new boyfriend . . . and he’s an Android.”

Ellen: I am starting a slow clap for you.

Erin: I know, right? But the truth is that if every other piece of technology in your home is an Apple, it is a little like going off the reservation.

Ellen: Or leaving a cult.

Erin: Okay! It’s a cult! But I’m happy things turned out the way they did. Big, pretty screen, nice camera, and, best of all, texts, tweets, and emails delivered in real time.  My LG G3 and I are gonna be just fine.

Ellen: And there is one less Apple disciple in the world. Amen.

So are you an iPhone or an Android??

–Erin and Ellen

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