Mom Posse Archives - Sisterhood Of The Sensible Moms

It seems like a good time for a refresher on Mom Guilt . . .

If a mother’s love can stretch to the moon and back, then her guilt zooms to Andromeda, twists itself into an origami sippy cup, snaps back to earth and smothers her like a smelly lovey blanket. Well, today is the day The Sisterhood is kicking that odiferous guilt quilt to the curb.

We all know THAT woman. The chick who spends an entire girls’ night out wringing her hands because she “should be home with her Baaaaay-by”. If you don’t know this woman you are either (A) Lucky or (B) THAT woman. But, honey, we are here for you! Repeat after us: “I need to recharge and work on my adult relationships. I am not a robot or a slave and, goshdarnit, other people besides my kids deserve my attention, including me.”

Time to start honoring, dare we even say relishing, the time we get to rejuvenate ourselves and our relationships or else we are just wasting everyone’s time.

Need some hardcore convincing? May we present . . .

1. Nobody wants to parent the center of the universe.

Conveying to your child day in and day out that she is the center of the world leaves a barren place for humility and empathy to take root. And think about how it feels for your kid when all of your focus is on him or her. Holy Anxiety! We all have great expectations for our kids, but sometimes our micromanaging can become stifling. A little time apart shows your child there are other things in your world. Just remember, you’re modeling how to be a happy and successful adult, too . . . but no pressure.

2. If you let the kids take over, it’s gonna get ugly—for both of you.

Kids are need monsters who desire nothing less than complete domination of that kingdom we call home. But let’s get a little perspective—are you really going to let a little Napoleon prevent you from having some time alone? He just pooped his pants an hour ago, should he really be calling the shots? And besides, having that much power can be frightening. It is a little disconcerting to be able to prevent mom from going out the door by throwing a batcrap crazy tantrum. Boundaries are not punishments, they are an integral part of parental love.

3. You need to love your partner more than your kids.

Boom. We said it. You heard it. But really listen to what we’re laying down. Kids can’t take you dancing or give you a lovely night out or uncork the wine bottle. And they should never be your emotional bedrock. Your partner staked a vested interest in your happiness and well-being before you started this family. Offering some return on that investment will only pay dividends in happiness and emotional well-being for the whole clan.

4. Your friends need attention too.

We all get by with more than just a little help from our friends. We aren’t just talking about carpools either. Good friends are like water and air and Sour Patch Kids (or is that just us?). Acknowledging and honoring how essential these relationships are now means that your girls will still be there for you later. Like when you need help hiding a body. (PTA meetings can be brutal.)

5. You need to honor yourself, your needs, and your dreams.

Kids need the best version of you. We are not talking about the perfectly waxed, superbly coifed, and supremely toned you. (Remember those days? We don’t.) We’re talking about the you that channels deep wells of Mother Theresa worthy patience, laughs in the face of Looney Tune-esque antics, and leaps tall buildings in a single bound or at least has the energy for a decent game of yard soccer. We’re talking about the you that happens when you are rested, understood, and your soul is fed on a deep metaphysical level.

Soooooooooooo. . . .

If you want to get a babysitter to write your blog, take a run, or get a haircut, just do it. Volunteer to save woodchucks, write the great American novel or break out the cocktails with a friend. Honor your needs, because you need to recharge and only YOU know what is gonna make that happen.

On the flip side? Don’t Judge!

If other people are taking time, don’t judge. Take notes on how she makes it happen! There is no medal for this tour of duty. Let us tell you once and for all: You do not win any Mother of the Year trophies, because there is no competition!

If you get the chance to be away from your precious ones, don’t spend that time fretting about what is going on at home. If you’re not refreshed to tackle your mom job when you actually get back home, then it’s nobody’s fault but your own. Girl, you know you’re back on duty the SECOND you walk through that door. Take your chance and run like hell or, in the beginning, baby step your way to a better, happier you.

We know it’s hard, but you have to get over the hassle of taking that first step. Go sit in a coffee house, grab a tapas with your girlfriends, or take an afternoon off to spend with a good book. They all offer you the same thing—a chance to do what makes you feel good. You will be a better mother for it, and these baby steps toward honoring yourself will prepare you for even bigger leaps like, gasp, going away with your husband. It’s work (we know the planning, the scheduling, and organizing can nearly kill you) but it’s worth it.

There’s a reason there’s a saying: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Kick Mom Guilt to the curb and grab your slice of happiness today.

-Ellen and Erin

5 Reasons You Should Take a Break From Your Kids, WITHOUT hand wringing.

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So you’ve decided to sign your darling up for a sports team. Unless you have a chauffeur, a nanny, or a flux capacitor to split yourself in two, you’re going to need a mom posse. And if you do have those things, what the hell are you doing? Go get yourself a nap, a merlot, and a pedicure.

In the land of youth sports, it’s the luck of the draw who you get to hang with for the season. You need to swim in the pool you paid for, so to speak. The kicker? You’ve never needed help more. There will come a time when older brother needs to go in one direction, your Pele-in-the-making needs to get to the play-offs in the other direction, dad is trapped at work . . . in Dhubai, and the cat is puking out its pancreas. But this situation goes from doom to doable if you have a mom posse to fall back on to at least take Pele to soccer. You’re on your own with the puking feline.

The secret to the posse is to choose wisely and develop it early.

1. Preparation starts at home. The first practice is not the time to be rocking your best boots, 7 For All Mankinds, and perfect blow-out. It makes you look like you don’t really need the help. If that is the case, rock it out, Sister, but if you do need help, you might want to dial down the mom glam for now.

But don’t let the pendulum swing too far the other way. Holey pajama pants and grungy slippers gives off the impression you feed your kids PopTarts for dinner, your entire family is sharing one towel, and most importantly, you don’t have your shizz together enough to transport someone else’s precious babies. Remember, the posse is all about reciprocity. Aim for approachable – best yoga pants, clean top, and neat ponytail. We’re not suggesting being Ms. Fakety-Fake, just don’t let it all hang out until, let’s say, practice six.

2. Get to the first practice early. Posses are for carpooling so safety comes first. Watch the other parents roll up in the parking lot. If a driver doesn’t at least slow down to 5 mph before opening those minivan sliding doors to eject her spawn, then you might want to mark her off the potential chauffeur list.

3. Follow the herd. When everyone is sitting together like ducks in a row, line your chair up too, Buttercup. If the group decides that selling blood is the best way to pay for the team’s new warm-ups, roll up a sleeve and offer a vein. On second thought, you may want to run, but in most cases now is not the time to be the Lone Ranger. Your kid’s not the only one who joined the team. Every time you make an effort, you’re upping your posse potential.

4. Start chatting parents up to see where they live. Carpooling only makes your life easier if it doesn’t take you a tank of gas to take the extra darlings home. Try not to be creepy scoping out addresses, though. If you can’t ask where someone lives without triggering a background check, work that smartphone. Take a picture of the team and show it to your potential posse member, “Look how cute this is!” If she just grunts, consider the screening process to be in full swing and move on. If she coos, say, “Hey, are you on Facebook? I could tag you in it.” If you become friends on Facebook, you are golden! You not only have access to location, you can make sure they don’t participate in demonic goat square dancing . . . or at least they’re discreet enough not to post about it.

WARNING: Do not scroll through and “Like” every one of her pictures because you’ll be detouring through Creepytown. Remember, you were trying to avoid that?

5. Work your kid. This will go a whole lot smoother if you correlate your connections with your kid’s buddies. Don’t fall into the trap of setting up a carpool with the second baseman who wipes his boogers on your son’s glove. Building friendships is good for your child and good for you and nothing builds friendships faster than sleepovers. Suck it up and send out an invite. Just make sure your bathrooms are clean and you remember to feed the kids. Passing out bananas for dinner doesn’t put you at the top of any posse lists.

6. Be the posse member you want to attract. Offer to help a mom you see in distress, carry that über complete first aid kit so you can save the day, create the hang out spot for the kids on your snazzy waterproof picnic blanket, hand puppies out from the back of a van . . . wait, scratch that last one. Just be a team player.

7. Send up a flare. If subtle action fails, don’t be afraid to beg. In fact, lay out your situation in an email or surely you could work it into a conversation during that 3 hours on the sidelines. It’s time to tamp down that pride, put on your big girl panties, and ask for exactly what you need. The people who respond when they know your chips are down are just the type of people you want in your life any way.

Bottom line: Mom posses make all these extracurriculars “posse”-ble. (Yeah, insert rim shot here.) So get out there and make a carpool buddy today! Friends don’t let friends drive both ways to practice two days in a row!