We are not about “Been there, done that.” Even when it comes to potty training.

In fact, nothing makes us cringe more than that phrase. It’s like smug and condescending got seasoning with venom and wrapped into the ultimate passive-aggressive burrito guaranteed to give you night burps. And chin acne.

No, we even poke fun at that kind of one-upmanship in “Motherhood, You Have No Idea.”

But in every serving of humor, there is a nugget of truth. We really didn’t have any idea what lay ahead when we were young mothers drowning in feedings, bath times, and diapers. Or more accurately, drowning in spit-up, bathwater pee cocktails, and poop.

Instead of relatives implying we just had to take our lumps, they should have thrown us a lifeline: useful advice and perspective. And while we’re a-wishin’, it would have been great if that perspective was candy-coated with humor so we could have avoided been-there-done-that indigestion.

So here is your useful advice:

Kids aren’t really potty trained at eighteen months, parents are. What do we mean? At that age, parents are heavily involved in reminding, scheduling, and wiping. There are accidents. No one-year-old is recognizing his needs and attending to them every time. We think this is more work than diapers. It’s okay to wait until your kid is old enough to really take charge.

Your kid won’t be graduating from high school in diapers. That is such an annoying statement, but it is true! If potty training isn’t working this week, just let it go. This isn’t all or nothing. It’s not like the plane is going down and you’re prepping her on how to use a parachute. You have time. Kids develop and change SO quickly. In reality, you are never stuck at one “stage” for more than a blink of an eye, although while you’re living it, it seems like slo-mo eternity.

THE SECRET TO KNOWING WHEN THEY ARE READY. Yep, you can’t even find this on WebMD. Ellen was taught this by an experienced pediatrician in medical school, but has never been able to exactly source it in a book. This is what is known as practitioner wisdom and why medicine is an art, people. (And why WebMD is no replacement for talking to a doctor).

Where were we? Oh, when your child can change directions abruptly when running, they can control their bowels. Boom! Sisterhood Secret right there. Worth the free price of admission.

Now here is your perspective dosed with humor:

Slow your roll because parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to save your angst energy for all sorts of things, such as teen driving. Yep, that is the one that has crawled all up in our worry holes right now.

So without further ado:

1. Expense

OMGeeeee. Between the musical potty seats, sticker charts, pee targets, special wipes, underwear, pull-ups, wetness alarms, books, apps, and videos, you need to take out a small loan for all of the equipment and accoutrements.

For real OMGeeeee. You DID take out a loan for that vehicle they are commandeering down the highway. If they even crack a taillight on the mailbox, it’ll set you back $400.00. Oh and the cost of the mailbox.

2. Special Equipment

Maybe one of the biggest drawbacks to early potty training is that toddlers fall through standard issue toilet seats with alarming frequency. This means cluttering your bathroom with pint-sized potty paraphernalia, but you do have choices. There are the toilet seat inserts (also known as toddler bum adapters) paired with stools (well hello there. double entendre). Or you can use the stand alone, pint-sized potty chairs, or as we fondly call them, open-sewage-container-you-are sure-to-kick-over-in-the-middle-of-the-night-when-your-spouse-forgets-to-empty-it. Either way, may we suggest adding a crate of Clorox wipes to your shopping list?

Oh you’re in luck! No special equipment is needed because IT IS YOUR CAR.

3. Music

The earworms! THE EARWORMS! For the next 18 months, you’ll be humming the electronic tune from that musical potty seat Grandma just knew you had to have. It’s not annoying AT ALL.

When your teen is behind the wheel, you’ll have nothing to hum to because no driving distractions means no radio. But no worries, the sound of your grinding teeth will fill the silence.

4. Books

So many to choose from! How will you decide? Well, it’s all a matter of preference and how copiously Aunt Betty gifts them to you as “hints.” But here is our recommendation: throw those suckers away once Junior is in pants. Those things have been sitting on your bathroom floor for ~~weeks~~ months. No one needs your hand-me-down fecal matter contamination. No one.

Hey, once again, you’re in luck. There’s just one book: THE LAW. There’s even people paid to enforce it for you. Insert sarcastic “Hooray.”

5. Control

You have no control! Yep. They’ll whizz in the corner if they want to. goshdarnit.

You have no control. Mwahahahaha! Push your foot through the floorboards all you want; it ain’t stoppin’ nothin’.

6. Obstinance

“I do it myself!” Sure little one, do it yourself. But can we interest you in an all expense paid detour through this decontamination booth before you go suck down your juice and Teddy Grahams?

“I know what I’m doing!” You’re right! It was much more efficient backing through the garage door. That step of opening it first was a waste of time.

7. Messy Underwear

The poopy underwear! You are constantly scraping, soaking, rinsing, and washing. Just so you know, we condone throwing the REALLY bad ones away. It’s the sensible thing to do.

Welcome to pooping your pants the first time they merge onto the freeway. Having a spare is not just for tires.

8. Parked in One Place

You’ll spend so much time parked in the bathroom waiting for your offspring to do his business, that you’ll be forced to use the time to do your business too: conference calls, grocery lists, online banking, soul searching, dream squashing. Nothing increases productivity like cold tile under your keister and a cabinet knob in your spine.

THIS is parking:

The only multi-tasking taking place is you chewing your nails down to the quick while sucking in gasps of breath in alarm.

9. Accidents

No one told you being a parent meant being doused in someone else’s excrement. Nothing seals your anointment into the Fraternity of Parenthood quite like your progeny whizzing through her clothes and yours as she sits on your lap sharing a tender moment.

Gah! This takes on a whole new meaning that keeps us awake at night. We’d rather not talk about it. Besides, we’re too busy repairing the mailbox and the garage door.

Okay, we CANNOT leave you on that note. We’re not going to lie to you though. Teaching your teen to drive is a plate full of nerve-wracking and a bag of chips, but it is not that bad. We’re grateful to have some reasonably responsible teens. See for yourself in this video we made about distracted teen drivers. Feel free to click the “thumb’s up” if you like it.