Tag Archives: Toddler

Potty Training: Stop Stressing and Get Some Perspective

We are not about “Been there, done that.” Even when it comes to potty training.

In fact, nothing makes us cringe more than that phrase. It’s like smug and condescending got seasoning with venom and wrapped into the ultimate passive-aggressive burrito guaranteed to give you night burps. And chin acne.

No, we even poke fun at that kind of one-upmanship in “Motherhood, You Have No Idea.”

But in every serving of humor, there is a nugget of truth. We really didn’t have any idea what lay ahead when we were young mothers drowning in feedings, bath times, and diapers. Or more accurately, drowning in spit-up, bathwater pee cocktails, and poop.

Instead of relatives implying we just had to take our lumps, they should have thrown us a lifeline: useful advice and perspective. And while we’re a-wishin’, it would have been great if that perspective was candy-coated with humor so we could have avoided been-there-done-that indigestion.

So here is your useful advice:

Kids aren’t really potty trained at eighteen months, parents are. What do we mean? At that age, parents are heavily involved in reminding, scheduling, and wiping. There are accidents. No one-year-old is recognizing his needs and attending to them every time. We think this is more work than diapers. It’s okay to wait until your kid is old enough to really take charge.

Your kid won’t be graduating from high school in diapers. That is such an annoying statement, but it is true! If potty training isn’t working this week, just let it go. This isn’t all or nothing. It’s not like the plane is going down and you’re prepping her on how to use a parachute. You have time. Kids develop and change SO quickly. In reality, you are never stuck at one “stage” for more than a blink of an eye, although while you’re living it, it seems like slo-mo eternity.

THE SECRET TO KNOWING WHEN THEY ARE READY. Yep, you can’t even find this on WebMD. Ellen was taught this by an experienced pediatrician in medical school, but has never been able to exactly source it in a book. This is what is known as practitioner wisdom and why medicine is an art, people. (And why WebMD is no replacement for talking to a doctor).

Where were we? Oh, when your child can change directions abruptly when running, they can control their bowels. Boom! Sisterhood Secret right there. Worth the free price of admission.

Now here is your perspective dosed with humor:

Slow your roll because parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to save your angst energy for all sorts of things, such as teen driving. Yep, that is the one that has crawled all up in our worry holes right now.

So without further ado:

1. Expense

OMGeeeee. Between the musical potty seats, sticker charts, pee targets, special wipes, underwear, pull-ups, wetness alarms, books, apps, and videos, you need to take out a small loan for all of the equipment and accoutrements.

For real OMGeeeee. You DID take out a loan for that vehicle they are commandeering down the highway. If they even crack a taillight on the mailbox, it’ll set you back $400.00. Oh and the cost of the mailbox.

2. Special Equipment

Maybe one of the biggest drawbacks to early potty training is that toddlers fall through standard issue toilet seats with alarming frequency. This means cluttering your bathroom with pint-sized potty paraphernalia, but you do have choices. There are the toilet seat inserts (also known as toddler bum adapters) paired with stools (well hello there. double entendre). Or you can use the stand alone, pint-sized potty chairs, or as we fondly call them, open-sewage-container-you-are sure-to-kick-over-in-the-middle-of-the-night-when-your-spouse-forgets-to-empty-it. Either way, may we suggest adding a crate of Clorox wipes to your shopping list?

Oh you’re in luck! No special equipment is needed because IT IS YOUR CAR.

3. Music

The earworms! THE EARWORMS! For the next 18 months, you’ll be humming the electronic tune from that musical potty seat Grandma just knew you had to have. It’s not annoying AT ALL.

When your teen is behind the wheel, you’ll have nothing to hum to because no driving distractions means no radio. But no worries, the sound of your grinding teeth will fill the silence.

4. Books

So many to choose from! How will you decide? Well, it’s all a matter of preference and how copiously Aunt Betty gifts them to you as “hints.” But here is our recommendation: throw those suckers away once Junior is in pants. Those things have been sitting on your bathroom floor for ~~weeks~~ months. No one needs your hand-me-down fecal matter contamination. No one.

Hey, once again, you’re in luck. There’s just one book: THE LAW. There’s even people paid to enforce it for you. Insert sarcastic “Hooray.”

5. Control

You have no control! Yep. They’ll whizz in the corner if they want to. goshdarnit.

You have no control. Mwahahahaha! Push your foot through the floorboards all you want; it ain’t stoppin’ nothin’.

6. Obstinance

“I do it myself!” Sure little one, do it yourself. But can we interest you in an all expense paid detour through this decontamination booth before you go suck down your juice and Teddy Grahams?

“I know what I’m doing!” You’re right! It was much more efficient backing through the garage door. That step of opening it first was a waste of time.

7. Messy Underwear

The poopy underwear! You are constantly scraping, soaking, rinsing, and washing. Just so you know, we condone throwing the REALLY bad ones away. It’s the sensible thing to do.

Welcome to pooping your pants the first time they merge onto the freeway. Having a spare is not just for tires.

8. Parked in One Place

You’ll spend so much time parked in the bathroom waiting for your offspring to do his business, that you’ll be forced to use the time to do your business too: conference calls, grocery lists, online banking, soul searching, dream squashing. Nothing increases productivity like cold tile under your keister and a cabinet knob in your spine.

THIS is parking:

The only multi-tasking taking place is you chewing your nails down to the quick while sucking in gasps of breath in alarm.

9. Accidents

No one told you being a parent meant being doused in someone else’s excrement. Nothing seals your anointment into the Fraternity of Parenthood quite like your progeny whizzing through her clothes and yours as she sits on your lap sharing a tender moment.

Gah! This takes on a whole new meaning that keeps us awake at night. We’d rather not talk about it. Besides, we’re too busy repairing the mailbox and the garage door.

Okay, we CANNOT leave you on that note. We’re not going to lie to you though. Teaching your teen to drive is a plate full of nerve-wracking and a bag of chips, but it is not that bad. We’re grateful to have some reasonably responsible teens. See for yourself in this video we made about distracted teen drivers. Feel free to click the “thumb’s up” if you like it.

Potty Training: Stop Stressing and Get Some Perspective!

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What do potty training and teaching your teen to drive have in common? More than you think.

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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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Toddler photo credit: ToddMorris via photopin cc

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Kids Need the Word “No”

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“NO.”

A short word that stops you in your tracks. It’s the pinnacle of negativity, the Commander in Chief of control, and the debutante of Debbie Downers.

Ellen: That is all true, but it seems really one-sided. I think “No” is just misunderstood, like Brussels sprouts. They’re both not bad, they just can suffer from awful presentation.

Erin: Okay Dr. Phil, I feel compelled to kick your cruciferous analogy off the couch because “No” isn’t some limp vegetable. It’s your trusty weapon in the toughest job you’ll ever love: Parenting. It’s your big guns for raising kids to be successful and happy, but you have to use it wisely.

Ellen: And it’s not just for toddlers, although for the love of Cheerios, you better start setting the boundaries in those tender years. It is so crucial because you are actually leveling your battlefield for when things get real: The Teen Years.

Erin: Consistency is your friend.

Ellen: That all became clear to me when Coco threw her TEEN tantrum. I thought her toddler tantrums were nuclear, but I should have waited before shipping that hazmat suit off to Goodwill. Coco had banged up against a boundary and was missing a prime social occassion because of it. She thought that if she just backtracked and righted her wrongs, she could sidestep the grounding and proceed to partying.

Erin: She really should have known better. She had lived with you for thirteen years.

Ellen: When she realized her penance was not going to shorten her term, her fury was like the Polar Vortex and El Niño had a baby and that baby was every volcano on earth erupting at once.

Erin: You’ve been watching a lot of Weather Channel again, haven’t you?

Ellen: True, but I swear I was being pulled through one of those swirling time travel tunnels to the day my abundantly pregnant self had to abandon my grocery cart, squat like a sumo wrestler to grab 2 year old Coco, and drag her out of the store by her heel. My ginormous self could not get a grip on her flailing body any other way.

Erin: At least you had plenty of strangers judging you to get you through the moment.

Ellen: The awful moment that lasted forever. If only I had a crystal ball to see that it was worth it. I was mortified, but I set the precedent that my “No” was firm. So even in her teenage rage, there was a little squeak in her hippocampus telling her, “Your parents are NOT going to back down.” She may have forgotten that ancient push-pop battle, but she knew her mom was not a pushover.

Erin: Giving into a toddler can make a moment easier, but it can set you up for a decade of hurt because the stakes only get higher and the issues only get weightier.

Ellen: However a huge part of being able to stick to your guns is picking your battles wisely. You can’t waste all of your ammunition during a skirmish, because you won’t have any left for the real war.

Erin: You have to stay focused on the real mission: Raising human beings who can function and play with others safely in society. We know it’s easier said than done to stay focused.

Ellen: You? Have issues with being focused? What?

Erin: In MY tale of woe from the front lines, I was lobbing grenades when I should have been using my energy to whittle down my laundry pile. I dug in my heels over Bratz dolls, also known in my mind as Fun-Sized Streetwalkers . There was no way my girl was going to be playing with those totems to anti-feminism. Line drawn.

Ellen: You should have just given Bratz dolls a heaping dose of the cold shoulder.

Is this tart worth a battle line?

Erin: When I said, “You will never play with Bratz dolls,” my seven year old’s brain translated my Parentese into . . .

Ellen: “This is what I want to fight about with you for the next four years.”

Erin: That “No” catapulted them to the status of forbidden fruit. And the Battle Royale began.

Ellen: A battle you could not control. Because birthday parties.

Erin: And Biddie got one on her 7th birthday. If I had just ignored them like the Sisterhood told me to, Biddie would have played with the thing for about five minutes before losing interest, and I could have quietly been that streetwalker’s last escort . . . to the garbage can.

Ellen: What was really needed was a discussion.

Erin: I should have just used them as an opportunity to share my values with my daughter. In this case, my “No” didn’t teach her anything.

Ellen: We all can use some fine-tuning of our parenting perspectives from time to time. Here are some thoughts on when and how to lay down the “No.”

Boundary Basics

Banish the arbitrary.

“No” is not about stifling kids, but setting them free. Rules are to keep our kids safe and teach them values that will help them lead successful, happy lives. Arbitrary rules like “You will not wear eyeliner until you are 13” will bite you in the butt.

Keep it powerful.

We shouldn’t make rules we won’t enforce. We need to be ready to get our tired butts off the couch to redirect a behavior. Even after we’ve said “No” for the eleventieth time.

Remember flexibility.

If our children present good arguments for why a rule is not reasonable, we are willing to listen and ready to talk. We make mistakes. Fessing up and being open to other paths creates space for everyone to win.

Put safety first.

The rules aren’t more important than our kids. Covering up mistakes is dangerous for everyone. We want our kids to know that they can come to us for help at any time. Two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s a maxim for a reason.

Practice consistency.

Kids need to push against boundaries, but we need to consistently enforce them. A sense of safety and security empowers kids to take appropriate and desirable risks in areas such as academics and sports. Kids feel unsettled and insecure when they think they are in the driver’s seat.

Erin: Life is hard in the trenches–wet, stinky, and monotonous. We get it! Who do you think is beside you in that foxhole? Can’t you smell us? But if the “No” is worthy, you just can’t give in because you’re tired or they flash you those baby blues.

Ellen: Boys, girls, toddlers, tweens, teens—they are all just looking for gaps in the fence line EVERY DAY. So help yourself by keeping your trusty “No” meaningful.

Erin: And peace will reign in your mini-kingdom.

Ellen: Ha! Until the next skirmish.

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Dear Perfect Toddler Parent

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Dear Perfect Toddler Parent - Feeling a tad self-righteous about your little angel? Here's a few wee things to consider before throwing judgement around. | Parenting Advice with Humor | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms Dear Perfect Toddler Parent,

We’re going to assume right off the bat you only have the one child. Because frankly speaking, the chances of having multiple “Sucker Babies” are as likely as our minivans ever getting cleaned out. As if.

What’s that you say? All of your toddlers are or were perfect? Then the stars shone brightly upon you, my friend. Immediately play their combined birthdays on a lottery ticket. However, do NOT under any circumstance write a parenting book. The hate mail would make Darth Vader weep.

What’s a Sucker Baby? You’ve never heard your pediatrician use that term? A Sucker Baby is that mild child who spurs first-time parents to innocently share such irritating proclamations as “Feeding is never a problem. When I want him to breastfeed, he nurses, but when I need him to take a bottle, he never refuses.”

Then there is this eye-roll inducing classic: “Napping? That’s never an issue. Why, I just tell him to lay down and he closes his eyes.” We know this is a thing because Erin was guilty of this one, but don’t worry, she followed up with four more kids. She’s been duly adjusted.

Notice the common denominator of “never”? You know what “never” is? It’s the devil’s stink bomb. It’s that sneaky ass Norwalk virus lingering on the public restroom door handle that will transform your household into Calcutta. It’s that cop lurking behind the Dunkin’ Donuts billboard where the speed limit plummets meteorically from 55 to 35. You’re not going to see it coming, but it’s going to take you down.

Now if your Sucker Baby was not first in the birth order, this letter isn’t really for you. If you’re like Ellen, you KNOW you are blessed with this bundle of docile and you are not passing judgments on ANYONE because you have already walked through the Valley of the Spirited Child. However, if the stork brought your bundle of serene first, like Erin, you may be under the impression you got this shizz handled, just like Custer . . . before his LAST Stand.

Well, we got your other side of the Sucker Baby coin . . . and the battle scars to prove it. Here are the differences.

It begins in infancy . . .

As you peacefully dine at a restaurant with your bundle of joy slumbering in her infant carrier, you notice a frantic woman attempting to nurse her screaming banshee as her food congeals into a lump of nasty. When she dashes to the restroom to mop the spit-up from her hair and her spouse sprints to the car for the magic binkie, their waiter stops by your table explaining the restaurant is taking up a collection to pay their bill to get them OUT NOW. (Ellen wishes the part happened where they paid for her meal.)

And continues into toddlerhood . . .

Playgroups for you mean relaxing over a cup of coffee as you tsk-tsk at the mother on For-The-Love-Of-All-That-Is-Holy-Don’t-Break-Anything duty. Whether it’s blocking the seven foot tall bookcase deathtrap or diverting from the precious glass curio case filled with Lladro, she is on her toes. But bonus for her, she is sweating off the baby weight. (Or at least that is the delusion Ellen used to soothe herself to sleep with at night once upon a time.)

You may have been the pious one to look some frantic mom in the eye and utter, “You may want to take a break from playgroup until you can control your child better.” (Hmmm, maybe you should be afraid because Erin never forgets a face.) Moving on . . .

You think you know tantrums? If you’ve never abandoned a full cart of groceries and dragged a flailing child out of the store by her heels because your 8 and 98/100 months pregnant self couldn’t get a grip on her, then you’re not Ellen. Although Erin has everyone beat. She was told by a priest “God will understand if you take a break from church.” (Erin got a coupon for half off her next exorcism, so really, it was a wash).

So let’s make this clear. If you have never experienced parenting on the beaten-down side of the above scenarios, then you need to keep your advice to yourself. Your little “Ignore the bad and praise the good and they will realize they get more attention for the good behavior,” or your recommendation to simply say “I can’t understand you when you’re whining” is no good here. Those are fighting words to a spirited child and you risk altitude sickness from how quickly things will escalate. This is a different level of child who requires a different level of fortitude. Your advice works, just not for these little ones. We know because we’ve been on both sides of the equation.

Here’s the only advice these frazzled parents of the less than perfectly behaved toddlers need: Make your boundaries and STICK TO THEM like industrial strength Velcro because the payoff will come in the teen years. These folks deserve sympathy and kind smiles because it is HARD to stand your ground when you are getting battered every. single. day. by a terrorist with a Napoleon complex and rudimentary communications skills. Most of these parents could also use wine. Or a beer. At the very least, go get them a grocery cart when they’re struggling into the store.

We’ll let you in on a secret, too. Those willful little terrorists transform into some very fine citizens with some very desirable traits such as not following the crowd and thinking outside the box. Just because a sprite is asked to leave story time, does not mean she is destined for the Hoodlum Highway.

So let’s all remember that every child is different. Oh, and keep on your toes. While a little rebel is creating a diversion, your little angel could be sneaking over the line without you ever noticing.

We just thought we would give you a chance to shed your McJudgy pants before Karma came along and delivered you a swift kick in them.

Your friends,

Ellen and Erin

Got a perfect toddler? Read this before throwing shade at other parents.

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Toddlers and Teens: 7 Surprising Ways They Are The Same

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Toddlers and teens both begin with “T”, but that’s not where the similarities end . . .

Ellen: I don’t know about you but when I first started thinking about having children, I was really thinking about having babies. Cute, cherubic, immobile babies. My vision didn’t really see past burp cloths, bibs, and binkies.

Erin: Oh, really now. Do tell. I have FIVE kids and they are knocking into the teen years like dominoes falling over a ledge. How did I really not see this coming? Where were all of my sensible friends with their little crystal balls to show me my future?

Ellen: I think I just explained that we didn’t know any better either, but you would have thought by number five you would have had some inkling. If you really think about it . . .

Erin: And squint your eyes?

Ellen: The teen years are not so very different from the toddler years.

1. Olfactory Offense

Toddler – The aroma of dirty diapers and unflushed toilets wafts through the air like a radioactive cloud.

Teen – The stench of teen spirit – rank sneakers, bubbling B.O., and body spray—permeates every pore of your upholstery.

2. A Day Out Requires A Sherpa

Toddler – Going out requires packing a stroller, snack, juice box, spare sippy cup, change of clothes, diaper bag, lovey, coloring book, sunscreen, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh yeah, and don’t forget the patience.

Teen – A day out means a SUV packed with homework dioramas, homeroom donations, gear for multiple sports, musical instruments, a bajillion water bottles and enough extra food to feed the Prussian army. And you might want to remember your patience – Level: Ghandi.

3. Up All Night

Toddler – “Read me one more story.” “Can I have a glass of water?” “The tag on my pajamas is itching.” “There is a monster under my bed.” “I peed my bed.” “Can I sleep with you?”

Teen – “Can you drive me and my friends to this party and pick us up at midnight (so that you can’t have that glass of wine, can’t put on your PJs, can’t go to bed, and can’t stop your mind from swirling about all of the things that can go on at parties).”

4. On The Weekend, The Early Bird Gets . . . Exhausted

Toddler – In your room at the crack of dawn to snuggle, pee on you, demand breakfast, dribble water, and commandeer the remote for Dora. You move through your long morning like a zombie in jammies.

Teen – You’re in their room at the crack of dawn to pry their butts out of bed with a crow bar to drive halfway across the state for their 12 hour soccer tournament. Wearing jammies is a red card worthy citation. You move through your day like a zombie in yoga pants.

5. Mount Laundry

Toddler – A miniature wardrobe of outfits succumb to jelly spilling, finger painting, toilet dipping, mud splashing, and potty training each and every day. The hamper piles up.

Teen– Burns through a gazillion outfits per day due to gym class, club meetings, band concerts, sports practices, and fickleness. Leaves a trail of clothes starting from their closets, leading to their school lockers, circling back to your minivan, and ending on the bathroom floor.