Does the mere mention of teens and relationships send your mind reeling toward sex and drama?
Gulp.
Scoot on over and pass the sunscreen, because we are in the same boat as you. But who can really blame us? It’s been a theme of literature and entertainment since way before Snapchat. Romeo and Juliet, anyone? Fast forward to the age of Netflix and DVRs with shows like One Tree Hill, 90210, and Pretty Little Liars and you start to believe your teen could wander into a den of depravity on any random Tuesday night.
But here’s the thing, those shows have adult themes written by adults for adult actors playing teens. In middle America, teen dating tends to be a lot less racy. We’re not saying adolescents, sex, and alcohol aren’t a thing–we discuss those extensively here and here–but we’re suggesting you step out from the shadow of anxiety cast by those high-stakes topics for a moment. We’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast of “These Kids Are Giving Me Gray Hair” with a reminder of all of the good things your teen can learn as they test out the waters of dating relationships.
Positive Life Lessons
How to Judge Character. Dating may seem like a whole new playing field to you, but it’s really just the teen social scene kicking it up a notch. There’s been flirtations and there’s been “going out” (which ironically rarely makes it past the four walls of the lunch room). With dating, teens are now choosing to spend time with a particular person. This gives your kids the opportunity to fix a lens on the things that really matter like respect, integrity, common beliefs, and shared interests to name a few.
Clue your kids into watching how people treat waiters, clerks, pets, and loved ones because that will reveal more about a person’s character than any Buzzfeed compatibility quiz. But most importantly, tell them that when people show them their true colors, believe them, no matter how adorable they may be on the outside.
How to Know Yourself. Remember the early beginnings of relationships where everything revealed is brand new and fascinating? Sure the initial conversations start up around schoolwork, parents, siblings, and pets, but it’s not long before more initimate subjects are broached: What kind of books do you read? What’s your favorite music? What do you want to be when you grow up? All of these questions implicitly get to the core of “who are you really?” Getting to know someone helps you get to know yourself too.
How to Be True to Yourself. Being part of a pair is the perfect place to learn how to stand on your own two feet. Erin’s daughter was three dates in before she realized the boy she was dating hated the music she LOVED. But it wasn’t so much that he didn’t care for her favorite band, it was the way he reacted to them and to her affinity for them that made the difference. Standing up for her favorite band brought her a step closer to standing up for what she believes in. You might not thank your daughter’s ex for creating your future crusader, but his presence in her life didn’t hurt. Dating gives your teens opportunities to define what they stand for and to discover what their “deal breakers” are.
How to Resolve Conflicts. Conflicts don’t have to be of global proportions to be important. In fact, lesser disagreements are a great training ground for when the stakes are higher. That fight blooming over disparate Netflix queues on a Saturday night develops compromise. Spending lots of time with one special person means your teen will have lots of chances to learn how to work out differences of opinion. It’s a great opportunity for your kid to practice the conflict resolution tips listed in our handy graphic. Click here to enlarge.
How to Love Yourself. The hormones, the pressures of school, the social scene—did we mention the hormones?—it’s enough to bring even well-adjusted teens to their knees. A significant other gives your kid a sympathetic pair of eyes and ears who thinks he or she is pretty darn great. Negative self-talk takes a backseat because there is this person who sees some really special things in them. After all, out of all the students, in all the classes, in all the school, your kid and their date found each other. And whether this turns out to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, a momentary blip, or a lifelong love on the timeline of their lives, dating alters how they will see themselves. Its been proven to them that they are lovable. Similarly, the vulnerability they show to open themselves up in a relationship moves them miles along that emotional highway they are all traveling toward emotional maturity.
Not every relationship will be great and many won’t even be that good, but if your child decides to date during the teen years, there is no need to feel adrift. The confidence your kids gain from testing the dating waters is valuable to the growing up process. These skills will be just as valuable in a future executive office as in a marital abode. Ultimately, dating is a good and healthy part of their development.
We have one final life ring to throw from the decks of the SS Sanity: you don’t have to welcome every new significant other into the inner family. Don’t disrespect young love, but the new sweetheart doesn’t need to be on the Christmas card either. Dating is a learning experience and this means couplings can change with the wind. If you keep your feelings out of the equation, your child can be free to come to you with their questions or, dare we even mention it, broken heart.
At these beginning stages of teen love, we treat significant others like we do wait staff: we are polite, we enjoy the small talk, and we assume they won’t be in our lives forever. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it until we need to take it to the next level.
[Check out our podcast too: How to Talk to Your Kids About Dating.]
-Erin and Ellen
Responsibility.org sponsored this post as part of their #AskListenLearn campaign, but all opinions about how to keep your sanity while your kids are dating are all uniquely our own.
You can follow us on Google+, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.
Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”
As the mom of a 17 year old I can’t hank you enough!!![My Profile](http://www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com/wp-content/plugins/commentluv/images/littleheart.gif)
Kathy Radigan recently posted..True Love Ways
So glad you found it helpful! Thanks for reading! Erin![My Profile](http://www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com/wp-content/plugins/commentluv/images/littleheartplus.gif)
The Sisterhood recently posted..Teens and Romantic Relationships: A Positive Spin
What great advice! We have a few years here, but can’t thank you enough for any and all advice when it comes time for teen dating here, too!!![My Profile](http://www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com/wp-content/plugins/commentluv/images/littleheart.gif)
Janine Huldie recently posted..How Being Sick is Different for This Dad Versus This Mom
I love you ladies and your smart, smart advice. Thanks for always going before and providing hope and guidance for what’s to come!![My Profile](http://www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com/wp-content/plugins/commentluv/images/littleheart.gif)
Meredith recently posted..Go! POW!
Few things make me angrier than the “dad cleaning his shotgun, I got these tattoos in prison” “ha ha” narrative on regards to fathers and teen daughters as they start dating. It’s ignorant and makes the daughter not trust their father.
My oldest is 20, a college sophomore, and on her second long-term relationship. She’s earned my trust with her decision making regarding the opposite sex and or serious relationships. We talk a lot, about things my parents never did with me – sex, drugs, rock and roll, respecting your body and being smart about your decisions with your heart.
Teaching your teen daughter about priorities – school, work, family, and goals over a relationship is one way to get them to understand not to move too quickly with someone and or make a decision with their body that can affect their future. I wish my parents had talked to me the way my daughter and I talk. I would’ve made less mistakes.
Good post![My Profile](http://www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com/wp-content/plugins/commentluv/images/littleheart.gif)
Lance recently posted..Blue Orchid