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SWAG! This word inspires more excitement in bloggers’ hearts than a declaration that Captcha has been banned from the internet. At a blogging conference, it is the battle cry of a generation . . . or at least of the attendees who forked over big bucks to be there and want some goodies to ease the pain of the post-conference credit card statement.

Just look at the expo floor at the BlogHer 2103 Conference.

Ok this is mostly a picture of Erin, but you can kinda sorta see the expanse of the hall behind Erin.

OK, this is mostly a picture of Erin, but you can kinda sorta see the expanse of the hall behind her.

But that wasn’t all. There was swag distributed to our rooms too! Oh, the excitement of opening those bags!

Disclaimer: All excitement in this photo is highly staged.

But Jockey was not going to be outdone. Behold the gag gift hit of the conference. It is also rumored that children all over the country have incorporated them into imaginative play. So thumbs up for enriching the youth, Jockey.

Thank you for modeling Linda from Elleroy Was Here, Mel from According to Mags, Jess from Science of Parenthood, and Michelle from Old Dog New Tits.

Those white plastic cups are basically boobie gauges. We also got a $30 coupon off of a $60 bra. For all this, we were encouraged to accept the honor of blogging about it.

Along those lines, Denny’s paid to have laminated menus and some dollar store plastic distributed to each room with a note–Please share our exciting new menu with your followers. Oy. We bet a grand slam breakfast would have a greater chance of being devoured at a vegan block party than those menus had of making it into suitcases.

Here’s the thing, Brands, may we call you Brands? You’re treating us like customers, not like partners. Swag is fun but it doesn’t pay the bills. Stop thinking of us as hobbyists because we are businesses. We create a product in our writing that earns us readers and followers on social media platforms. We have clout. When we speak, the people who are listening care what we say because we have built relationships with them. Think laser beam attention AND interaction.

You would never ask a magazine or a newspaper to give you space for free even though you have no guarantee any reader is going to really look at your words. Readers aren’t there for your brilliant ads –so many other interesting words and shiny (in the case of newspaper, grainy) pictures to look at. You even have to create your own ads a good portion of the time.

So with that in mind, Brands, you have no problem throwing us a coupon while smirking, “You’re welcome for that awesome blog topic, write away! Oh, and make an awesome graphic too, we hear that’s pretty popular.”

Can you understand the indignation? It’s like handing someone a coupon for paint, asking them to drive to the store to pick it up, and oh, while you’re there, buy the brushes with your own money, and then skillfully tattoo the front of your house with “Buy Slim Shady Paint” for all of your friends to see. But wait, not in an obvious way. Make it seem like you WANTED to do it.

Psst, Bloggers, now that we have Brands muttering, can we have a word with you over here? Do you know why Brands do this?

Because they are able to.

Bloggers give their websites over for free all of the time. Your energy, time, and social platform is worth more than a bottle of lotion. Stop giving the blog juice away for free even if they’re giving you some yummy cookies to go with it. YOU ARE WORTH MONETARY COMPENSATION!

So next time you get an offer,

1. Is it a product or service you believe in and think your readers would too? If no, don’t do it. Integrity is the basis of your writing product.

2. If yes, and you haven’t seen any money in the initial contact, ask them what their budget is. If they say “no money” or don’t cough up some serious merchandise, scroll away. While a nice laptop may be worth your time, a stick of deodorant never is.

3. If they make an offer of $10 and the lint in their pockets, ask for what you are worth. If they balk, scroll away.

4. If they say, “Why yes, we did find money for you in this huge bank account we have,” you have just realized your worth AND made the internet a better place for your blogging brothers and sisters. And you now have the moolah for a web designer to fix your slow upload speed. Or for a mortgage payment. Homes are important.

We have a list for you too, Brands. Don’t think we forgot about you.

“Don’ts” for Brands

1. Don’t give us materials thinking it is an honor for us to share them. We have other interesting topics to write about, thanks.

2. Stop treating us like customers. A catalog does not count as swag. Or compensation.

3. Don’t ask us to use hours of our time for a chance to win a prize. Would you give up your paycheck for a spin of the roulette wheel to win a sofa?

4. Don’t blow your blogging budgets on huge parties where there is no real point beyond an open bar. What is a blogger supposed to do with that? Take that money and pay some bloggers to work directly with you. If you buy a blogger a drink, she says thank you and walks away. If you pay her a salary, she gives you value and she can stock her own fridge.

5. If you’re still going with the party thing because you think a tweet is worth a chafing dish of crab dip, for the love of ease please have your Twitter handles and Instagram accounts posted. Symbols on your banners don’t help. We can’t click on them.

6. Don’t just pick any bloggers to work with you. Do your research and pick the ones who are a good fit. Your return on your investment will go cha-ching and you’ll actually see that yes indeed, this is THE way to reach customers.

And we’ll end it on a positive note: