So it’s been a busy week in our lives. We both had kids finishing up high school fall sports and the first academic terms were ending (or getting close to the end). In both households, this proved fertile ground for learning lessons. There may have been an epiphany at Erin’s house that, wow, that zero really DOES bring your grade down. And at Ellen’s house, there may have been a moment to display some grace. But the biggest lessons learned this week weren’t for our kids but for a fellow mom we know.

After a week of torturous tween drama, Big Momma hand-wringing, and tears all around a sticky situation, this mom came clean, “I think I may be a helicopter parent.”

Erin- To which we say, knowing is half the battle (all credit to GI Joe).

Ellen- And get in line, Sister, you’ve got company.

Erin- No one wants to think they are THAT parent, but hovering is not just limited to hiding in the bushes outside of your darling’s classroom.

Ellen – So assuming that most parents don’t even realize they are swooping, let’s shine a spotlight on . . .

The Stealth Helicopter Parent

FLIGHT PATTERN 1

The Perception:

I don’t hover. My middle schooler is allowed to pick out her own clothes and even choose what goes into her lunch.

The Reality:

You are allowing your child to make choices, but are you letting your child make decisions to solve problems?

The Example:

Ellen – I chaperoned for my daughter’s sixth grade overnight environmental camp. My group of girls was lucky enough to have a fabulous educator who not only taught the girls about the Chesapeake Bay, but showed them they had the power to figure things out. On their own.

Right after introductions, she asked the girls to count off. There were about eighteen of them, and they all just shouted out random numbers in unison.

The other chaperones around me twitched and started to jump in. But the educator was prepared for this, because she just held up her hands and firmly declared, “They can do this.”

Before succeeding, they made two more failed attempts, prompting a mother next to me to mutter, “This is ridiculous.”

I replied, “How so?”

“I just don’t have the patience for this. Just count them off and get on with the lesson,” she replied,clearly agitated.

I replied, “This IS the lesson.”

The Problem:

When kids don’t work through tasks and proceed through their failed attempts, they never learn to make simple decisions without checking in.

“Miss Ellen, where should I put my clothes while I take a shower?” Really??

FLIGHT PATTERN 2

The Perception:

I don’t do everything for my kids. My 12 year old has a chore chart. He must check off every box or he doesn’t get his allowance. He earns his gold stars.

The Reality:

Chore charts are wonderful for BUILDING competence, but at some point a child should know what his responsibilities are and be able to follow through when there is no box to be checked and no adult to please.

The Example:

Erin — When I was the chair of a school fundraising dinner, I had not one, but two, different adults come over to commend me on my fabulous hard-working middle-schooler. What earned him his 5 star review? He refilled the napkins and the silverware BY HIMSELF. WITHOUT being asked or directed by an adult. Many of the other kids just stopped setting places when the napkin and silverware bins were empty.

The Problem:

How far we have fallen that the concept of an 12 year old displaying simple competence warrants such high praise? We need to expect more and stop accepting less. At some point, kids should not be working for gold stars but for the pleasure of a job well-done. Kids should be empowered to analyze what needs to be done, and then DO IT.

FLIGHT PATTERN 3

The Perception:

Well, it’s not like I’m writing my fourth grader’s essays for him.

The Reality:

But how much of a crutch are you for him in his schoolwork? Really?

The Example:

Erin – I let my 4th grader fail a science test, because he didn’t bring home his book to study. The big problem was that he didn’t care that he forgot it. When I voiced my concerns, he blew me off with a simple “I’ll be fine, Mom.” Did I drive him back to school to retrieve the book? Did we call a friend to ask for notes? Did we troll the internet for study guides? Nope, and while it was hard to watch his heart break when he showed us the big red “F” on his test, he was rocked by the experience. He has taken the reins and been charting his own course for success ever since.

The Problem:

Caring takes effort. Letting a child experience how crappy failure feels SHOWS them that the effort to succeed is worth it. Elementary school is also a great place to not just learn school lessons, but life lessons as well. The stakes are low here, so failure is a perfectly acceptable option AS LONG AS you LEARN from it.

FLIGHT PATTERN 4

The Defense:

When we have a test, I have to make sure my middle schooler studies. There is nothing wrong with that.

The Reality:

“WE” have a test? Give your child the tools to succeed, but then turn them loose to use them at their discretion.

The Example:

Ellen – Two years ago, my eighth grader decided that despite all she had been taught and shown, she was going to study for her Geometry test by flipping through proofs on the computer instead of working out problems.

I said, “This is not how you have been taught to study. This is not going to work, but I am now going to walk away and let you make your own decision.”

I painfully tore myself away. And she received a D . . . plus. But from that point forward, she started to be a true believer in proper study habits. I now have a high schooler who is succeeding under her own steam with the permanent transcript recording away.

The Problem:

Taking responsibility for your child’s wins and losses takes away two things: 1) The opportunity to learn when she fails and 2) The opportunity to celebrate when she wins. Think of yourself as the water boy instead of the quarterback. Give the field back to your kid.

Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” If you’re not going to let them find even ONE way to fail, then your kids are never going to get their light bulb moments.

Erin– So here is OUR big “Ah-Ha moment”. . .

Ellen – When we accept that we are prepping human beings for life on their own and not crafting reflections of ourselves, it makes it a whole lot easier to get out of that pilot seat we may not have even known we were in.

Erin– Self-realization is a beautiful thing and kudos to our friend for being honest and open about herself. For so many of us moms of tweens and teens, it’s time to move on over and out. It’s time to get our fannies over to air traffic control.

Our job isn’t over, but our child’s needs have shifted. They need us to provide safe skies where they can fly on their own, but they have GOT this.

Ellen – So let’s ALL hand over those controls. The best parents work themselves out of a job.