I can’t stop thinking about this photograph from The New York Times.

My initial reaction of “aww, look how cute,” lasted for a millisecond before “hey, that’s not fair to that kid” kicked in full force. So much so that a couple of days later, I can’t shake the feeling about how wrong it was to serve up that child’s acute disappointment as “cute.”

It was disrespectful.

The photo being part of a journalistic story and permission granted to have it used notwithstanding, I think it is a very public example of how quickly adults can brush off and trivialize the concerns of kids.

How can children grow into respectful, empathetic members of our society if they are not shown the same kindness?

It stems from children not being viewed as autonomous human beings. They are at the very least considered by many parents to be extensions of their own personhood; at the worst, they are viewed as trick ponies here to entertain.

Maybe part of the problem is that children’s concerns can seem so small. Who cares about an Easter egg hunt when there are children going without water across the globe?

Well, if this child is lucky enough that this is his biggest problem, we should be happy for him. However, we should keep in mind that this is a very real, cutting hurt in his world. As adults, we don’t want the merit of our disappointments judged. We just want empathy. Let’s imagine that instead of an egg hunt, this was a hundred dollar bill hunt for adults. Even if you have all of the comforts of a steady income, an empty basket seems a little more important now, doesn’t it?

As the mother of two teenage girls, I am frequently floored by what they consider transgressions from their early childhoods. It’s always less about the incident than it is about their feelings being trivialized. In the end, it doesn’t matter if it seemed like a big deal to me, if it was a big deal to them. Be it eggs or dollar bills, having your feelings of injustice dismissed is angering and hurtful.

Just to clarify, it’s not that I want my kids to have a bubble wrapped life–insulated from hardships both real or perceived–it’s just I could have better used those disappointments to teach resilience rather than giggling over the cuteness of their frustrated foot stampings. I could have grabbed the opportunities to teach them to brush off things that don’t really matter, to guide them in the gift of laughing at one’s self, to give them perspective about our privilege, and to make sure they knew it is okay to feel whatever it is you’re feeling if you can get to a place of perspective eventually.

It doesn’t feel good to be dismissed no matter your station in life. It makes you feel worthless, patronized, embarrassed, and powerless. It can also lead to aggression. Keep in mind, when you tease or belittle a child you are giving them the tools to use against their peers and siblings.

It is so confusing to be mocked by an adult, and as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. How can children be expected to show empathy if they are not shown empathy? How can they develop into respectful adults if they are not respected?

Children are not here for our amusement, but we, as parents, are here to teach them the finer points of dealing with life. Instead of mocking, let’s just be grateful when teachable moments aren’t that dire. It’s not that it’s wrong to find the humor in a situation, it’s just we should always remember there is a huge difference between laughing at someone and laughing with someone. Children are “someones” too.

-Ellen

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